Michelle's Thoughtful Notes

Cheese and Two Crackers

2011-06-29T21:59:00.001-07:00

So my brother and I were watching this Vitamin Water commercial where an Asian male teenager came home to his two white parents.

Alex: He's Asian.

Me: He's adopted.

Alex: How do you konw?

Me: Two white people can't give birth to an Asian... =_=

And stupid comment...

Alex: How do you know?

myTube: Blank Slate

2011-06-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

After posting up the Fame Menu on my YouTube Channel, I will have 105 YouTube Videos and 495 Subscribers since 8th grade. I am contemplating to start fresh after I graduate with a second channel for all my future videos. Sound like a smart idea?

How Are You, Tubaman?

2011-06-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

I usually visit my friend Gilbert, a bando, in Ms. Axelson's class before I head to my first period. But since he wasn't here during first today, I decided to talk to my other friend Sami, who tried to compensate for his absense.

Me: Gilbert's not here today D;

Sami: I can pretend to be him today.

Me: Okay :D

Sami: -sits in seat-

Me: So, Gilbert, how are you? (Expecting an "alright").

Sami: -high squeaky voice- TUBA TUBA TUBA!

LOLOLOL

Prom 2011: Rendezvous a Paris

2011-05-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

I wasn't able to get a decent picture for prom due to mishaps (except three from Ms. Springer, Senor Yarnton, and my cousin William; none of which I have on me), so I drew one ♥

Me: ♥

Ben: -fist pump-

When Life Gives You Lemons...

2011-05-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

My friend Gilbert has been complaining a lot lately (he's somewhat a pessimist). He was complaining about he didn't want to go to a banquet because he probably wouldn't get an award. And he comes back getting an award but puts it down as something out of pity and not good enough as the other awards.

- - - - -

Me: Gilbert, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But when life gives you lemons, you make orange juice! What's wrong with you?!

Gilbert: Lol. You know what, I'm gonna go home now and make some orange juice out of lemons!

- - - - -

Glad to cheer u up, pal ;P

Like a Chinese Man Always Said...

2011-05-24T21:52:00.001-07:00

My friend Andy (his real name is Alex, but I like to call him Andy) has been bugging me for awhile about the female singles in our prom group and today he asked me this.

Andy: Do you think that I could possibily hook up with someone as a temporary date for prom lol? :)

Me: Maybe [insert name here] ;)

Andy: Lol

Me: Want me to ask for you?

Andy: No, I'll ask them.

Andy: Like a Chinese man once said. Be a Man

Me: LOL

Photo: Sharp Focus (Vote Please)

2011-02-04T20:23:00.001-08:00

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) 3
Brickfish

Most Recently Self-Made Videos: Feb 2011

2011-02-03T20:05:00.000-08:00

More Relief, But Not All Relief (for seniors)

2011-02-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

Haven't written an article in FOREVER. This is an editorial I wrote. Hope it isn't too crappy... Final Published Article: http://www.baronbanner.com/2011/02/02/more-relief-but-not-all-relief-for-seniors/

- - - - -

First semester has finally passed and for seniors here at Fountain Valley High School, it means one thing: relief.

My first semester of my senior year was like a slap in the face; sudden, and, of course, stressful.

Senior year is supposed to be the year to kick back and relax. That’s what everybody says. Sure, the year may be relaxing for those who stick with the average class schedule and limit themselves to three to five classes, ensuring their leave after fourth period for an off-campus lunch and a decent amount of time for themselves for the rest of the day. But for the rest of us, it’s nothing like that.

My fall semester involved applying colleges and frantically attempting to balance my classes and keep my grades up, which was harder than I expected. I applied to only private schools—University of Southern California (USC), New York University (NYU), Chapman University, and California Institute of the Arts—with an exception to CalState, Long Beach, intending to major in film production. And since my junior year was almost a complete bore with a minimized schedule I should have given myself this year instead, I decided to add in a few more classes I should have taken the previous; a foreign language class and a science class. I remember during the second semester of my junior year, I harassed my senior role models consistently. What classes should I take? Is this class to stressful? Too hard? A given? How much time does this activity take? I wanted the perfect schedule that would be appealing on my college resumes, and, at the same time, wasn’t too overwhelming or too dull. But I also wanted a zero period and a 7th, theater. So I set my schedule officially and I was satisfied with the following for the rest of the summer:

0 – Baron Banner

1 – Algebra 2B; TrigonometryA

2 – Physics

3 – AP English 4

4 – AP Government; (regular) Economics

5 – Baron Broadcast News

However, procrastination and lack of time-management tortured me. To my underclassmen out there, there is one simple rule you must follow—start your essays in the summer. Every year, seniors are told that advice by their respected alumni friends, yet most end up working on their essays last minute or too late into the school year. And the fact that no one prepares you for the college application process, unless you’re a lucky younger child of the family, puts a lot more pressure on you, the applicant, and your family, than truly needed.

In “brief”, this is my college application experience: I turned in all my online applications, whether for Common App or a different online host, all on the day of the deadline. I turned almost all of my film portfolios the day of or late (at least post-marked). I sent in the wrong portfolio for one of my colleges (I sent in a portfolio for screenwriting versus film production) and had to make another one and send it in after the scholarship deadline; however, it was sent on the day of the regular deadline. But luckily the essays for the incorrect major proved beneficial for other college applications and scholarships. I failed to talk to Ms. Michaela Wakeman regularly and turn in the teacher reports for her letter of recommendations for me—and have up to this day, become too intimidated and ashamed of myself to approach her again. I also ended up asking my teachers for my letters of recommendation on the last week before my first college application was due (Chapman) for early decision.

Let’s just say my college application experience wasn’t pretty…

Worst of all, I didn’t realize how much work I would have in Baron Banner and Baron Broadcast News as a senior versus as an underclassman, whether I had high positions already or not. That promoted lack of time-management and dedication to a lot of negativities; punctuality for deadlines was a big demerit, which I am ashamed of.

Luckily, now that the stress of keeping my grades up and college applications are now over, I can breathe once more. I can’t get relax completely like the rest of my senior class, some of who have started dropping their classes or transferring out to an easier course (AP to regular). And as tempting as that might seem, (utter relaxation for the last semester of my senior year), I have to resist. I did make some adjustments, however.

I switched from AP Government into regular Economics as planned and transferred to a different, but easier-to-understand physics teacher, which should prove more beneficial to me for my second semester report card.

All there’s left to truly worry about is scholarship applications and anticipation for those college acceptance or rejection letters pouring in slowly through April. Chapman should be my first to hear from, as I heard they recently started sending out their letters. Luckily for one of my friends already in Baron Broadcast News, he got accepted; which created a more intense anxiety for me every time I rummage through the mail or encounter him at school.

My goal for this semester is punctuality, motivation, and responsibility in keeping up my grades, keeping up with financial aid deadlines, extra curricular deadlines, and building up my artistic resume with film, design, and writing, especially with film festivals coming up.

Overall the pattern that was and I predict will be my senior year as a whole is as follows: fall to winter, a climatic stress pattern; winter to spring, cooling down; spring to summer, freedom.

I can’t cool down too much just yet. But one thing is true: more relief.

Most Recently Self-Made Videos: Jan 2011

2011-01-21T20:03:00.000-08:00

Jigsaw Puzzle Pieces

2011-01-21T19:46:00.000-08:00

I am like an optometrist. I produce a film or a video is like creating a pair of eye glasses. I provide the lenses and let my audience sit back, try them on and see the world the way I see it. Details of who I am, what I do, and how I live are carefully embedded into each tiny layer of the lenses. Individually, film or video I have worked on may stand on its own, but together they create a jigsaw puzzle of a bigger picture, one that can only be interpreted as one idea, one concept, one thing, one person—me. It is known that a picture may have a thousand words; however, with motion picture, an infinite deeper meaning is a possibility that cannot be overlooked.

My Title and My Pages

2011-01-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

There are always cases of situations that are “easier said than done”. As a high school student, it is my most commonly met situation. Someone always seems to have a vision or dream: “I want to…”, “This would be cool if…”, “I will…” Many promises and reassurances are made, and often times broken, that a natural reaction toward these redundancies is, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” On the other hand, high school definitely produces a great deal of competition to pursue one’s future career.

Rarely will you ever see me sitting to take a break and “just relax” for more than a minute. Perhaps I would spend some free-time with my friends here and there, but, in my work environment, “nothing to do” was not in my vocabulary. I was almost always up and about asking my peers about what they filmed, assigning them a project, confirming information, checking out cameras, organizing special events, or, for a majority of the time, gluing my butt to a comfortable chair in front of an LCD screen, editing a video segment or the front page design of the school newspaper. When I have a prophetic moment in my mind, I fully project it onto a paper or screen for all to see. I could stay stationary hour after hour, despite my lower body feeling numb and stiff, to make sure every little aesthetic detail was precise and perfect. Although there are times when my own battery does die, I am not ready to give any breathing room for doubt. I want to serve as a role model—editor-in-chief, executive producer, and/or club president—like my respected seniors before me. To one day have someone respond back to me, “I’ll believe it when I see it,” would be a sin. A fire grew in my eyes and a crescent moon in my smile as I urge myself to succeed and pull people into my shoes and behind my glasses.

Film production has become a “projector of my life”, incorporating all the aspects of art, visual or performing, that I enjoyed. Surprisingly, I never heard one whisper of objection from my parents. I remember from elementary school, I told myself “when I grow up, I want to be a doctor.” Yet by my sophomore year of high school, I was exposed to a number of activities—marching band, martial arts, journalism, graphics design, film, theatre, visual arts, and more—that cleared my mind to want a great deal more. “I want to be the first female Vietnamese American to be awarded an Oscar for Best Director.” My parents and I knew that I was bound down by an equivocated, yet potential, path for a life better than the daily economic struggle we dwell in today. They pushed me along to keep up with my grades and to stay on top of deadlines. As the years passed by, they gradually expressed an increase support and appreciation for my creative talent. I am truly grateful to feel an aura of warmth around me and to have my parents behind me. Else, it would have been an impossibility for me to be standing here today.

But obviously I don’t have a clean and perfect slate. There was a period of time when my superego ambition overpowered me to strive to be “king of the hill”—all for the titles, less on the substance. Doing anything to embellish one’s college application was brainwashed into many students through the intense high school competition. Unfortunately, I became one of the many who became sucked into the peer pressure. Editor-in-chief, executive producer, president. Those three words ran through my mind continuously. It wasn’t until my film and journalism advisor, Mr. Ziebarth, reminded me of the journey yet again—“I don’t care what you want to be called, as long as what you do applies to your title.” It was the most common sense one could agree to. Yet it hit me on the back of my head, as if an inspirational quote, and got me keeping on my feet. I was now able to take a step back and view the bigger picture.

With all the years of experience and knowledge I have, I not only want to learn and apply it to life around me, but to teach and to help improve others as well. I want others to be able to stand up for them and climb up their own mountain to success as well. And it makes me have an uplifting feeling on the inside whenever I do teach people and they understand. With that I have confirmed with myself that one day, I want to become a significant leader of the world, promoting Asian cultural awareness in the United States mainstream, feminism, and visual and performing arts, and entertaining the world as the first Vietnamese-American, or female Vietnamese-American to be awarded an Oscar for “Best Director”. And I want to be judged by my book as a whole.

Self-Expression is Power

2011-01-21T19:35:00.000-08:00

With the touch of my pen to the paper, I have the power of a sword. With the touch of my finger to this keyboard, I have the power of a hammer. With the press of the "publish" button, I have the power of a gargantuan microphone, projecting over the millions of digital bytes spread across the World Wide Web. My life is an open book and I made it an open book. But when I finally make this possible, there is always someone or something waiting with a blowtorch to burn it to ashes.

When I was in eighth grade while at the peak of my uncontrollable mood swings and hormones, I kept a journal. Never did I show this journal to anyone, including my best friends. As everything became less carefree, I slowly hid myself in my corner. I was not adjusted to expressing my problems. As much as I wished to express my feelings, the most it would sprout out would convey as vague and confusing status messages on my old MySpace profile page that only I would be able to decipher.

Yet, the journal was like my second beating heart, a separate superego entity. I always kept it among my possession at all times and became addicted to writing my thoughts into it. Every single day, every single minute, every single passage that I wrote in my obsessive mood drove me to my insanity. It was my Tom Riddle’s diary.

Why are you doing this? Why doesn't he like me back? Why are you thinking about this? Why am I thinking too much? What’s wrong with you? Did I do something wrong? Oh, you’re just over-reacting. I hate my life. You’re such an idiot I don’t deserve to live. I’m so fat. Slowly, my head began to fill up continuously with one thought and emotion after another. I felt like I was going to explode.

It was not until my best friend, Vivian, finally opened me up and she became someone to express my every single complaint, every single rant, every sob-story, and even a few happy ones. But I was not talking to a wall this time. She spoke. She guided me. And I felt sane again. Since the longest time, I had a smile across my face. I felt happy.

To rid of the journal that used to be my source of life, my source of relief, I engraved the phrase “cursed journal” with a permanent marker page after page until it was down to its last layer of skin. I then handed the bloody taboo off to Vivian for burning or disposal, and I never saw it again.

Since, I have avoided capping the bottle and began to express my thoughts through words again through my online blog with my journalism peers. The only difference between my blog and simple fancy-covered spiral notebook was that it was thrown out there for all my peers to read freely, and advise and comfort me in times of good or bad. And I felt a connection when I discover others have fallen into the same hole I was in. I burned down my dark corner and felt I could run to the top of a hill and burst out my voice to the sun.

But he just had to bring the rain on my world.

His name was David. He was not a close friend in any way, but he decided to start up a casual conversation over FaceBook chat one day during sophomore year. However, a conversation about our school system and about how “gay” he thought our AP European History class quickly rampaged into a catapulting game of insults and critical judgment. It was as if he had a microscope to my brain as he began to probe my mind, judging me with my emotions and statuses.

Pathetic. Immature. Insecure. No new friends or clubs or activities. Always marching band. What accomplishments and benefits will newspaper give or has given you? You act young…I act young? Exactly. You act young all the time.

Each piece of evidence he pulled up to support his statements was as if he was keeping tab on me from time to time, like a stalker. I could sense that he could see my face flushing red with anger. Though I kept my silence and I could hear him laughing clearly through the other side of the screen from his computer.

You want attention. You demand attention. You show insecurity with my friends. You never ask people out.

He might have brought the rain on my party, but I had lightning and thunder to strike him down. I was not going to let another devil’s advocate similar to a familiar superego of mine to return and beat me to the ground. I had a will to fight back against myself, against him, a free will to express myself however I want, when I want.

I felt strong. There is more people than just you in this world for me to deal with. I felt confident. Do I care that I’m broadcasting myself out to the world? Let the whole world know. Why should you make an impact or matter at all to me?

Cursed journal. Cursed journal. Cursed journal. Cursed journal. Cursed journal.

And there was silence, as I closed my eyes, spread my arms around as I looked up to the sky and smiled. “Sweet silence” was the only thing I heard as those words slipped across my lips.

At times, as I express my every thought and feeling, my life story, onto a sheet of paper, a digital document, as my previous respected editor-in-chief Victoria once said to me, “though it may seem that your voice is being silenced, there is always the written word.

And that may be the loudest of all.”

- - - - -

Essay in response to previous blog posts:

Half n' Half

2010-02-09T17:29:00.000-08:00

So yeah, last week...

Last week all the way up to ...Tuesday? Wednesday? I was depressed out of my mind. Stressing out like crazy. ESPECIALLY Tuesday...

I wanted to run away from home. And I was ready to if I didn't go to piano school.

After the 5th time of going back and forth to my guidance counselor to go join 7th period Theatre Production. My dad finally tells me to drop it. He doesn't want to drive me back and forth from school and home and he won't let anyone else drive me nor let me walk to school. He doesn't want to use up his time volunteering if he was required to (which he doesn't) and doesn't want to pay more money ($50 vs the $3k from band freshman year). He wants me to focus more on academics because he doesn't trust me doing extra stuff without maintaining grades. (I blame myself for the last day of school, forgetting to turn in my Bio packet for Ms. Foley which dropped my B to a C freshman year). I mean 6th period Theatre is okay. But it's so boring because I was three days late to signing up for festival, plus it seems more active if I join a production (Charlie Brown or Three Angry Jurors, both of which I can't try out for because my dad forbids me to.

So going to piano school, I was waiting in the car, kinda upset as is because I was already having a crappy week so far. I was munching away my stress on a sandwich (I wasn't even hungry) as I was waiting forever for my dad and my brother to come out. Apparently, Alex broke his glasses (again) while playing basketball with his friends back at Gisler.

When they finally come out, my dad is completely furious and he comes into the car, SLAMS the car door shut, turns on the car, smacks the radio to shut up and waits there. Before driving out of the driveway, he seriously yells madly into my ear about how tired he is, how much money he makes, how we don't appreciate anything he does, how Alex is slacking at school, just everything. I didn't finish my sandwich, but I had it beside me in my right hand while he was screaming at us.

After handling years of his reckless scolding, I learned to try to hold it in without uncontrollably staggering breathing and stiffing, but a rain of tears still came out. When we finally drove up to the side of the business building where piano was, I climbed up and walked up the stairs and I was trying my best to hold it in. But I had to let it out a little and I walked into the apartment, trying to wipe my eyes clean. My teacher saw me, but by then, my eyes were still kinda eh, but I wasn't crying. And I went to my new classroom. There was another piano in there, but luckily, no one else was sitting in there with me today. While Co Thuy went to teach the other student out by the grand piano, I sat at my piano (which actually a good quality electric piano for once) and wiped my face with tissues.

In the car and at the beginning of the lesson, I thought to myself, "I wanna run away." I planned it all out in my mind. I would take the laptop, my phone, my bag with all my school stuff, and some clothes. I'd leave behind my stuffed animals, Casey, my bed...I didn't car. I wouldn't live in the streets though. There's no friend I'd trust to go to, whose parents would be willing to take a runaway friend in. And the only family I trusted would take me in would be Bianca and Emerald's. So I'd take off for there at night. Or I could go to a shelter. Anywhere, but home. I hated it there.

I started to practice piano on my Sonata song and Rockata. Some little kids started to look through the window of my door to see who was playing the vibrant up-and-at-it song of my Rockata...some teachers too. I tried not to notice though. While playing my Sonata, Co Thuy and my old teacher Co Hai (now Alex's teacher) was listening along while having a conversation in my room. "She's so talented at playing piano, but she's just lazy at practicing," they said. Which I guess was a compliment, which it was, but it was true. I do get quite lazy at practicing piano. But I'm starting to practice more again. Once or twice a week now at home XP compared to none at all...Eh, it's a start.

After piano, I felt calm again, but getting back into the car with my dad, I got quiet and angsty again. The rest of the night, I spent it upset, stressed, and such. No one really understands what I go through, no matter now I explain it, even Charlie.

Whenever I explain all these stressful stuff to people, they're always like, I know how you feel, my parents do that too. I feel like they don't truly know unless they were in my shoes, literally.

That's just me.

Anyway, that was last Tuesday. The rest of the week, things started to get chill again.

Thursday, I started my first day in 6th period theatre after talking to my guidance counselor for the 6th time. I got nervous and shy, but I got used to the atmosphere pretty easily. I just wish I could join production and do more. I asked some of my new friends Skylar, Andrew (Ochoa), Alex, and Lauren to help me out by maybe giving me some acting exercises to get a jist of it. I also went to a BBN workshop thingy from 5:30pm and stayed at school until 8pm, helping Sean with editing sports anchor.

The next day, Friday, was the BBN, where I got praised for my amazing typography skills with my Pennies for Patients PSA by the staff members. Also, JoVo called Andrew (Neal), Nick, Addi, Presley, and me up after the meeting about the BBN. We all attended the BBN workshop...ish the previous day, and JoVo was confident with our group as we were all juniors and were strong as leaders for next year's executive admin for BBN. She wanted each of us to figure out in 5minutes what to say about why each of us should be the next episode producer.

I panicked and made a big list of why. I was responsible. I am a fast learner, am able and wish to learn more stuff, like graphics design, Adobe Aftereffects, greenscreen, and I will be willing to teach it to others, punctual, artistic skills, etc.

So I went first. The rest of the guys just mentions how to improve the BBN. I felt pretty confident with myself. After some discussion, JoVo, Josh, Sean, Soheil, and Jessica called us back and told us all of us are going to be working with each other. Heh? So we were basically going to replace the five of them. Oh...cool :] Alaa though wasn't too sure about that and spoke to Mr. Ziebarth about it.

My weekend basically consisted of talking to Charlie, zooming around on the laptop at times (I don't go on my computer a lot during the weekend), studying for math and a little bit of writing skills for the SAT, and watching TV. I snuck Casey into my room at night twice on Sunday night and Monday night :D Buahahha. Except Casey snores sometimes =/ Nya.

So on Monday, Presley texted me that we had a production meeting in the BBN room for lunch. Lunch? What time? We had school off on Monday because of Lincoln's birthday...right? I called her.

"Hey, um...you know for the production meeting?"

"Yeah?"

"What time is lunch?"

"...When the bell rings...?"

"...o.o...-confused- What time is that...?"

"I don't know...When the bell rings..."

"Erm...okay ^_^""" Thanks."

"Uh-huh."

-hangs up-

Crap...It was 10am. So it must be around passing period right? For 2nd to 3rd period. O_O

What if I was truant from school and I only THOUGHT today was a day off?

I remembered earlier that day my mom laughing how my cousin William accidentally went to school the previous Monday. And I was laughing to, but what if I was a joke and I missed school D; How embarrassing!!

So, I was freaking out for the next 10-20minutes. I called Kevin Ai's and Kevin Avent's house numbers. I didn't want to interrupt their class time just in case if they WERE in class if I called their cell phones. No answer. Dx What if they weren't home because they were at school!?!?? I thought about calling the school and asking if there was school today, but that would seem stupid and embarrassing as well. Perhaps I should call the school, sound like my mom and excuse myself from school as sick. Dx

My mom decided to go visit my aunt to play with Phuong Trinh (Elizabeth) and her Ong Ba Noi (our Ong Ba Ngoai is visiting in Viet Nam and isn't coming back until March). Luckily, my uncle had a laptop in his room where Phuong Trinh was sleeping. I immediately went on FVHS.com and checked the calendar: Lincoln's Birthday HOLIDAY...holiday? I called Presley.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Presley, It's Michelle."

"Oh, hey"

"Um...do we have school today?"

"No, no, no..."

"Oh, okay." And I told her my story.

Apparently, she meant tomorrow and forgot to include that in her text. Whew. (Tomorrow meaning Today o.o)

Charlie had school though :D Buahhahah Sucker. JK. I love him :3

So today, we had our little meeting during lunch for BBN. Andrew, Nick, Addi, and Me. It was time to separate our responsibilities, as Andrew put it. According to our conversation, Nick wanted to handle the production meetings and the cabinet with Sydnee, Addi wanted to do whatever and was sports manager, and Andrew, Presley, and I crashed heads into the position as executive producer for next year and episode producer for the next BBN. We decided to go into compromise and to switch off positions for the next BBN. Andrew and Presley were going to be episode producers, while I was the anchor's producer but still help do rounds (ask people to make sure they do their clips) and timeline (work on teh WHOLE BBN, which is what the episode producer does), Addi was sports manager, and Nick was cabinet (which isn't exactly executive staff...so......?). I was kind of disappointed, but that's okay. I was kind of jealous of Andrew and Presley though, saying they have already "shadowed" Jovo and the rest of the executive staff. So they basically know what they're doing. Dx Huh. I'll deal with it. Keep my head up.

I have to study for my APUSH Ch25 quiz now and do my Alg2 homework now...so I'll save the rest of the week for THIS weeks post o.o I think I should imitate Charlie...Post every Sunday. I was planning Wednesday, but yeah XP Whateverrrrrrr

Peace out :D yo

Michi

Pennies for Patients PSA script

2010-02-02T00:38:00.001-08:00

"This is the script for my BBN PSA for Pennies for Patients."

- - - - -

This is your wallet. Maybe it looks like this. Either way…this is your wallet.

Let’s see what’s inside your wallet.

A couple pennies…some nickels, dimes and quarters; Let’s not forget those dollar bills.

This is a box…Not just any box.

Now if you see a white box with this logo on it in your fourth period class, I mean…It has to be telling you something, right?

Pennies for Patients… “eh?” … huh…

Imagine if every student and teacher donated all their spare change they never use. You can donate pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, dollar bills, as much as you wish to donate! All this change, added, up, will be sent to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to help fund research for the cure for cancer.

Here’s a bonus. The fourth period class who raises the most money in three weeks from the first day your box is delivered to your class will win a pasta party. That’s right, pasta.

So donate now to Pennies for Patients. Because your small change can make a big difference.

Retracting Back my Dark Corner

2010-01-27T14:05:00.000-08:00

This week feels like...crap...

Of course, I don't really know what it really feels like to be a pile of poo...but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean.

I haven't felt like this in forever...

Everything at home just makes me feel so frustrated, angsty, upset...angry...yeah...

My brother pisses me off every single day with his annoyance. Everyone says, oh all siblings do that. It's the "typical sibling rivalry." This isn't the Full House show, where after there's a fight, you get a nice comfy hug. Since this is a journal, I mind as well be 100% be myself and mind. He's a total annoying bastard who should get a life...Seriously...I have my door locked...BANG BANG BANG BANG. Me: "What?" Him: "Let me in." Me: "Why?" Him: "Because." Me: "You don't need anything." Him: "Yes, I do. I forgot something in there." Me: "You're a bad liar." Him: "I swear!" -opens door- He comes into my room and walks out...or even worse, he comes in tries to grab one of my stuff and run out...or climb on my bed with his stinky feet or drooly face. Or my dad yelling at me or pushing me around like I'm an unanimous object to take his anger and stress out at. I think he thinks I'm ugly (my physique, my hair, etc...He always calls me fat and disses on my style and looks). Even worse, when my mom sees me all like eh, she gives me the bad attitude, which makes me feel more crappy.

Sometimes, I wish I could just runaway. I want to go to college soon. Get some years of relief away from home.

I spotted a flyer at school while heading to my guidance counselor to talk to about theatre about runaways, providing shelter for any runaway or such if there is a conflict at home, etc. I was curious to write down the information for later, just in case, but I didn't and I planned to go back later to right it down. I told Charlie about this, and I was surprised to hear that he wanted details on it, instead of opposing it. Not really what I expected.

I just feel so depressed and crappy so much lately, I kind of wanna shoot myself...like George did to Lennie in Of Mice and Men that we just finished reading in CP English 3. The other day when I was completely dead-spirited, I took two painkillers just to relieve the excruciating pain from the palm of my hands. I never took pills before during depression time, but after that, it feels like it's tempting to take them again. I was tempted to take the whole bottle without my parents looking, and keeping it just in case.

Charlie freaked and told me not to take the painkillers anymore, since he was scared of losing me, like the story he told me about a guy strangling himself and girl killing herself too (I forgot how it went).

I started of thinking, just like in the book Wintergirls to cut myself...Yeah, I said it: cut myself. I never cut myself before, but I felt/feel? so tempted. Perhaps it would hurt too much...Maybe that's the point, but, at least, I know now not to cut myself on the wrist (it's too obvious). I didn't though. "Michelle, I think you're overreacting," Charlie says.

Maybe I am... "I think you're PMSing," he says. Perhaps...

And I feel like such a jerk...IDIOTIC; I get angry and upset with myself. Stop it, Michelle! ...for thinking the stupidest things...but I just can't help it...

I was looking at Charlie's tagged photos the other day on Facebook and I spotted one of his really old pictures from 2007-08 (freshman year) and some comments from his ex-girlfriend Becca; so I went to stalk her on her page and her photos and what Charlie commented to her. A couple that seemed to get to me were:

Charliee Makika
dood u look hot :P
u should taake more pixies or ur self :D
ur pix is 2 shiny D: i can't see half of u >< (but i like the it's shiny :D)
July 31, 2007 at 5:49pm

Charliee Makika
lol alvin is kinda right xD cuz ur jux that hawt lol
September 17, 2007 at 2:10am

Beccaa Chuu Chuu
lol whos the cute 1 xD
September 16, 2007 at 3:53pm
Charliee Makika
BOTH OF U! lol but i like becca more :P lol
September 16, 2007 at 3:59pm
Charliee Makika
me and becca are always teh cutest! (except i'm not really and becca is really really cute♥)

Hot...(basically cute, pretty, beautiful...anything that goes under the same category...including sexy), I like her more, always the cutest, I'm pretty sure he said I love you to her too a lot, like I did with Dani, of course, I don't feel like I truly meant it as much as now, seeing all the stuff that happened between us. I didn't feel as significant anymore. I mean, I love him. I'm just...scared...jealous? upset, obviously... Why the heck am I thinking about this when we just got through one successful year together already...!?!? I don't know...-imagines self shooting brain out- Stupid mind... I feel like the worst girlfriend though still...thinking of all this. And it felt so tempting to think some more, but I got mad at myself and Charlie started being like >.> with me talking about it. Why are you so stupid, Michelle? Why can't I think of the positives of this relationship FOR ONCE!!?? I mean...I guess I do...but...-shrugs-

...I think I'm like completely obsessed with how Charlie's previous relationships went...especially Becca and him, since I am more familiar with it and I found her on Facebook...I was really determined to go through Charlie's WHOLE wall of older posts until I hit the beginning of 2009 when he broke up with Becca, just so I could look at their wall-to-wall (I also found this guy who was Becca's friend, named Kenny) and I looked at their conversation. I'm such a freak...

I wish Charlie was here...like seriously...maybe I wouldn't be worrying about all this stuff...maybe, maybe not...But I know he loves me...and I need to keep in mind (or rather, keep out of mind) that Charlie's past doesn't matter (and should go...poof :D).

I'm just scared, that one day, I might become another one of his ex's, which I hope in a million...billion...infinity and beyond years will never happen.

But maybe I'm just hanging on the so-called love I have already, just like my previous...But I don't want to think into depth about that...

I have finals coming up...Well, I AM having finals right now...Get out of school early :] Yay. English was easy and I hope I get a high or middle B in that class, Geometry is tomorrow...going to ace it as well as the class (then off the Algebra 2...thank gosh...), and APUSH and AP Studio Art 2D Design on Friday (classes with most hassle to study or prepare a portfolio for the final). :]

But I've been distracted a lot lately by stupid emotions/stress and the computer and internet.

The highlight of my week so far, standing oh so glamorous bright out of all the downers in this entry...perhaps just talking to Charlie, period, despite all the burdens of depression I have poured upon him D; Wahh...I'm sorry... is all I have to say over and over again. (TABOO WORD -smack- ...thank you :D)

I really HAVE to get the thought that I'm probably not that special of a girlfriend out of my head...I can't stop thinking about it...

Someone put me out of my misery =( I don't know how anyone can stand me being depressed like this...

Slip n' Jeans

2009-10-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

Morning:

Mom: Wait...are you wearing my jeans?
Me: Yeah...I wore them yesterday to
Mom: I've been trying to find those all day yesterday! That's where they've been. There were new; I haven't even worn them yet!
Me: Mine are in the laundry!
Mom: Wear them only today, then give them back
Me: Okay

- - - - -

Going to Zero (REALLY wet rainy dark morning)

Me: -slipping on the wet concrete while in her ugg boots that have eroded down to flatness- I bet I'm going to fall sometime before lunch -walks into Ziebarth's room-
SLIP and FALL
Person: Are you okay!??!
Me: -gets up with difficulty because of the slippery floor- @_@ I'm OKAY! -walks to chair carefully without slipping again, embarassed-

- - - - -

Afterschool at home

Mom: She wore my jeans today! See! I haven't even worn them yet!
Dad: o.O
Me: I had no jeans -walking into the garage and by the time i get to the kitchen door, I change the subject- I fell today.
Mom: YOU FELL TODAY!??!? ON MY JEANS!?!?!
Me: ...o.o (in thought: crap...) uh...no o.o
Mom: Yeah, you did! I just heard you!
Me: uh...-takes off boots and walks in the house-
Alex: Stupid...
Mom: (from outside in the garage) CHANGE UR PANTS NOW
Me: I FELL IN THE CLASSROOM NOT OUTSIDE O.O
Mom: you ruined em =_=
Me: they look fine... o.O
Mom: change your pants
Me: okay okay okay...(-chnages and walks to kitchen to get a drink of water, with the door open to the garage, my mom can see me and shakes her head at me-; awkward...)

Detentions for FVHS Bikers Due to Lack of Parking

2009-10-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

Lately, members of supervision staff have been hanging around the bike gates near Room 305, Mrs. Henderson’s room, for some unknown reason. I discovered today that a few of the bikes were labeled with green slips, which were detentions issued for “improperly parking” their bikes. As I gazed upon the few bike racks crowded and filled with bikes, I thought to myself, “Is this a joke? They can’t even fit their bikes into the racks anymore…There’s no more room.”

It isn’t fair for students to receive detentions due to the lack of bike parking because when there is a lack of parking, students have to improvise. I walked around the lot and observed every bike that had a green slip. They were all locked and standing upright to a fence, rack, or pipe. Although locking their bike to a pipe IS unsafe for the school, it lowers the risk of any students having their bikes stolen.

There just aren’t enough bike racks to properly park all of these valuable bikes.

Plus, another issue of this problem is the way supervision sent out the detentions. The green slips, which were taped to the bikes, stated a warning and asked the student bikers to go to office for a detention. One problem, supervision: any student could simply rip the paper off and go riding back home. Supervision labeled each bike that was “improperly parked” a detention, but they don’t know to whom it belongs to, or their student identification number. It seems like a poor way of punishing the students, unless the student was truly honest enough to go to the office after school to serve or complain about the detention.

At least supervision didn’t take their bikes away. Of course, that would be too much of a hassle. It’s not like we use our bikes in class. Seriously? Detentions for improperly parking bikes? If you want to stop the students from parking outside the bike racks or have the students get their bikes ruined or caught between other bikes, try to fund at least one or two more bike racks for the students. The Homecoming Dance is coming up and all that revenue raised from selling tickets could go to good use. It’s the least the administration can do.

FVHS BBN - Reflections 2009 PSA

2009-10-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

- - - - -

October 1, 2009

Video 61:

FVHS BBN - Reflections 2009 PSA

So every year, we have an art contest called "Reflections" that is theme-oriented. This year's theme is "Beauty is..." We can enter as many entries in visual arts, photo, literature, film production, dance choreography, and music composition. I'm going to enter in all of the categories, except for dance. ANYWAYS, this is the PSA (public service announcement) I made for my school's BBN (Baron Broadcast News).

Anyhow.

Enjoy :D

Music:

"Beat on Classic" by Drawoh (From Newsgrounds Audio Portal)

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I Love Ya! Tomorrow!

2009-10-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

Conversation with Charlie

Michelle Doan: hey! txt me bak if ur there :] HOPE U FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU GET UR WISDOM TOOTH PULLED OUT. I love youuuuuuuuu -heart-

Michelle Doan: btw the drawings for you, tanh, and hannah should have arrived yesterday or today by now so check up for that :] kk ttyl

Michelle Doan: (unless ur here)

Charlie Mai: i said it was tomorrow...

Michelle Doan: GOSH DARNIT

Michelle Doan: u said that yesterday

Michelle Doan: T.T

Michelle Doan: and the day before

Charlie Mai: o.o

Michelle Doan: i swore u did

Michelle Doan: u said...thursday

Michelle Doan: D;

Michelle Doan: no first wednesday then thursday....and now ur telling me friday

Charlie Mai: i said i found out its the next day.

Charlie Mai: it was never on wednesday...

Michelle Doan: tsh.....w/e i was being nice

Michelle Doan: D;

Michelle Doan: I TAKE IT BAK

Michelle Doan: >D

Michelle Doan: buahahhah

Charlie Mai: i love you lol

Michelle Doan: i love you -heart-

Charlie Mai: wow :]

- - - - -

Conversation with Tanh

Michelle Doan: charlie's getting his wisdom tooth pulled out today

Michelle Doan: nvrmind

Michelle Doan: he keeps telling me

Michelle Doan: tomorrow...

Tanh Truong: Tomorrow

Michelle Doan: and tomorrow

Tanh Truong: Ehh?

Michelle Doan: and tomorrow

Michelle Doan: he said tomororw on tuesa

Michelle Doan: tomorrow

Michelle Doan: yesterday

Tanh Truong: It's tomorrow isn't it?

Michelle Doan: now he's teling me tomorrow again

Michelle Doan: DX

Tanh Truong: LOL

Michelle Doan: like the WORD "tomorrow"

Michelle Doan: Charlie Mai: i said i found out its the next day.

Charlie Mai: it was never on wednesday...

Michelle Doan: tsh....w/e

Tanh Truong: lol

His Number - MDoan Comics Productions

2009-09-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

- - - - -

Victoria is minding her own business, hanging with her friends at Boomers, when an old classmate from elementary school suprises her--John. John and Victoria, who is startled by his presense, has a conversations, discussing old times and catching up on life nowadays. They exchange phone number when they depart from one another, but both never talk to each other again as Victoria leaves it be as she escapes her past.

This is my first film short ever. So yes, expect some mistakes and a bit of bad editing in some parts. The day we were filming two of my friends, David and Gilbert, who didn't know we were filming when we were hanging out, were rushing me to finish the filming from two hours to one. So sorry. Plus, I planned to use my digital camera to serve as my "boom mic" to record the audio at the table while I recorded the the film with the camcorder. But it ran out of battery...and you couldn't hear their voices that well because of distance and due to the fact that the guys kept talking really loud. That's why some of the audio doesn't match that well or sounds funny when I rerecorded at school later on.

It's not my best video, but, hopefully the next video will be MUCH better :D Wish me luck!

Anyhow.

Enjoy :]

Story of my Love Life (unfinished)

2009-09-29T21:31:00.004-07:00

"My failure Reflections 2009 entry for 'Beauty is...' as a poem. I was just testing it out (It's made up). I think I'm going back to expressive writing like blog writing for the literature section."

- - - - -

Emotions are wondrous things.

It is what makes up beauty. Seeing

past what lies on one’s skin and having

one’s heart full of passion: loving.

(Story of my love life)

It gives the people feeling of closeness

(Your rejection’s like a knife)

and lifts them off the ground with pure happiness.

(You’re the only one I like)

And the times of conflicts and absence

create sadness and a little bit of loneliness

(Story of my love life)

Story of my love life

Jealousy, when that cute girl passes by.

Starts to flirt with my dream love. That guy

has no clue how much that I try

to not get nervous when I come up, say “hi.”

There she goes, hazel eyes and her hair brown.

We just broke up: was another fight, another frown.

I don’t think I can look like a clown

anymore. She’s already bringing me down.

Walk away, I just saw him kissing,

not just a girl, but my best friend Missy

New template

2009-09-29T21:31:00.003-07:00

just reramping the blog for the new year, so sorry for unfinished boxes on the right side...I'll do it tomorrow

Do You Remember 9/11?

2009-09-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

- - - - -

A tribute to September 11, 2009 for my school's BBN (Baron Broadcast News) that released on the 11th. The interview were all mine. The newscast clips were borrowed.

I got my Youtube newscast sources from the following links:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zP5uIPyY DlQ
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RpNSF-e r88

Music:
-"Watch the World" by Box Car Racer

Anyhow.
Enjoy :D

FVHS BBN Camp Proj 2 - Charlie's Angels Trailer

2009-09-16T23:35:00.000-07:00

- - - - -

Sorry for not making an actual video in a long time. This video actually is a video I created with my group in my school's film class for camp. It's our second film project.

The object was to make a video with a character named Jack Magnum and with a chair in a tree, maximum of 2 minutes. Oh, there had to be a line that said "They'll crack under the pressure."

Our group was going to do a I am Legend and Castaway spoof combo at first until the next day, we all completely changed the idea =_= Gosh...so it became a Charlie's Angel movie trailer instead...I just went along. I did almost all the filming and the editing. I didn't feel as confident on this film project as my first one about Vandalism (which I will post on Wednesday, Sept 2). Um, I don't really like this video as much, because of the improvision and the other guy's ideas. So my editing was somewhat sloppy in this.

I don't know what music was used, since most of the music added were by other group members. I only know the first one was the original Charlie's Angel's theme song.

Even though, I did not like it as much, I thought it was still quite funny and everyone else in the class voted it as the best out of all the other camp projects, excluding veterans.

Anyhow.

Enjoy =]

FVHS BBN Camp Proj 2 - Vandalism is No Child's Play PSA

2009-09-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

- - - - -

This was the PSA I was talking about in the Charlie's Angel's Trailer video. This was the first film group project I have ever worked on and the first time using Adobe Premiere CS3 and the professional cameras.

I didn't get a chance to use the camera on this one, but I did most of the editing.

This PSA was also premiered in the 1st episode of the BBN (Baron BroadCast News) at my school.

Music:

-I don't know...I didn't provide it.

-I think one of em is the WIggles

Anyhow.

Enjoy :]

You Can't Hear the Ghost Mimes Cry

2009-09-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

Inside are excruciating electric shocks, coming on and off. Hundreds of knives flying through my chest and the palm of my hands.

But I don't cry.

I hold it in for hours, hoping the feeling will simply drift away watching a couple episodes of "Friends." But as much as the comic relief made me laugh, it wasn't enough to mask the pain.

I punch my knuckles into the palm of my hand and rub it, hoping my whole body would go numb as I restrain my internal hell.

There is an infinitely tall glass wall, indestructable and never-ending from left to right, that seperates me from the rest of the world.

I should be happy for them and hope they have fun with their peers on the other side of the glass. I shouldn't burden them for not.

It's a ghostly feeling.

I can't touch them. I become a transparent spirit, falling right through their bodies without effect.

Perhaps I'm blind because I can only see their dark silhoeuette as they speak to me in their sweet friendly voices.

Three in the morning and I can't sleep. I should close my eyes and pretend my bed is a bunch of soft marshmellows of Cloud Nine.

I cry.

But no one is around to see or hear me because you can't hear the ghost mimes cry.

I Hate Modified Days

2009-09-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

So on certain Tuesdays, we have modified day, where school (or first period) starts at 9am instead of 8...but 0 period still has to come at usual time at 7am...

This always...happens to me...like today.

(end of 0 period bell rings)
M: Hey Sami, what's your first period?
S: Math.
M: Oh, cool
(both grabbing backs and heading out the door)
M: So where's your math class?
S: Over there. (points to the left)
M: Oh...my English class over there D; (points to the right)
S: Where are you headed?
M: Um...over there? (points same direction as before) O_o
S: The library?
M: Huh?
S: Are you going to the library?
M: No o.O
S: Then where are you going?
M: English...
S: You do know today is modified today right?

(Storms back inside Mr. Ziebarth's 0 period)
M: I HATE modified days...

- - - - -

I remember another time last year...I thought I was late to first period and went striaght to Mr. Fitzpatrick's and found out he had a teacher's meeting. I went back to the Baron Banner room again (when it belonged to Poff)...

Even as a junior in FVHS...I still can't remember when it's modifed day ...

Baron Banner 08-09 ScrapbookPg

2009-08-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

I got bored, so I wanted to make a digital scrapbook page on the computer to practice my designing skills.

This is just a page about the 2008-2009 Baron Banner year.

Anyhow.
Enjoy =]

I was gonna join yearbook this year, but then I changed my mind to do AP Studio Art 2D

Click on image for a bigger view.

I Love You One

2009-07-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

Another slow joke Charlie was laying on me ;-;

- - - - -

C: I love you one!

M: o.o ... I don't get it...

C: It's okay :D Don't think about it too much.

M: .................Is the one supposed to be an explanation point?

C: Michelle! I said don't worry about it!

M: But I don't get it! D;

C: Michelle! I L OVE YOUUUUU! (repeats that a couple times)

M: I love you too?

C: I love you three :D

M: ....................................OH I GET IT NOW!

C: Yeah, it was all planned. =P You were supposed to say I love you two.

Taking the Jump and Cut

2009-07-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

I think back in 8th grade when I was in a terribly depressed and at the start of my teenage mood swings of crazy emotions... emo.

I hated my life. I hated myself. I wanted to die. I wanted my life to end.

I think now how ridiculous I was back then, thinking so negative and thinking everything was hopeless.

I didn't want to attract attention to my depression, so I didn't change my wardrobe to dark, emo clothes.

I didn't cut myself because it would be too noticeable, but after learning about cutting more, I think, wow, why didn't I think of cutting myself there. In 8th grade, it was cutting your wrists and arms. Now cutting has been more creative in places not-to-be-seen. But that doesn't matter. My first ex-boyfriend was emo too and almost influenced me to cut myself as well. One night I went to the kitchen and opened the knife drawer and held up a knife.

I chickened.

I wanted to die as unpainfully fast as possible though. I thought...pills? I don't know...Shot or stab myself...Too slow. I just wanted to disappear...somehow. Some nights, I remember walking out of the house and walking towards the main streets and watching cars pass by...And day dream, at school, of walking off and jumping. Would I die really fast? What if I still lived?

I didn't jump.

Thinking about it now, I can't believe how absorbed I was into the whole depression and emo thing, neglecting the love of my close friends there for me. I never went up to them about it and ignored that they were some hope in my life. I neglected the only friend who was basically like my psychiatrist that year, who was trying to give me advice and support me. How could I not see them. All I thought about was why that guy didn't like me back, getting scared of my first ex whenever we had fights, my life at home, and envy for not looking pretty enough or talented enough as a friend.

What if I didn't chicken out though. What if I took that knife and did cut myself...leading to cutting myself more and more.

What if I jumped...

Let's think about all the great things I have today now. A great boyfriend named Charlie. My first kiss... Wonderful close friends. A great experience in marching band and Baron Banner, and Baron Broadcast News to come. A dream to attend Boston University and succeed in the film world.

I have such a wonderful life now and I can't believe I almost put it to waste.

I hope I never come down to that point of depression every again. And if I do come to a point where my mind sets to "I hate my life," I'll think...what do I have? The least amount I'll have is...my great cousins and my close friends. Seldom will there be a moment where they will all hate me for once and abandon me. At least one person will always be there for me and I will believe in them.

Life is good.

Sticks and Tubes

2009-07-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

The result to shopping for clothes is always the same results...well almost always. The clothes didn't fit...they look pretty, but ugly on me...the arm holes were meant for skinny stick arms and pants and waistlines for small tubed tummies. I wanted anything...anything at all that would make me feel at least a little bit pretty, to myself, or, preferably, skinny.

Visits to the doctor is always the same...repetitive. After awhile, one would become sick of going at all. You're short for your age as a girl. I know. You know your overweight. I know. You should go on a diet. I've tried. You should exercise more. I see. Okay, time for some shots. Whoopee. Oh, and let's not forget my doctor telling my parents how to feed us next to control what we eat.

My cousin Bianca recently lost a lot of weight going on a diet. And she is perfectly healthy and skinny. She is one of the envies of my mom and me. Even worse is going to school and seeing almost every teenage girl with skinny jeans and long shirts so tight, they show how skinny she is. Stick-like bodies looking perfect and beautiful in every outfit, air passing through between their legs.

I stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom every time I go to shower. I stare at myself to examine what looks pretty about me and what I need to disguise or get rid of....improve of myself, to achieve that perfect self.

I need to control what I eat...I should stop eating...My parents wouldn't notice either way, especially my dad, who has already identified the fact that we all are "fat." I'm not hungry. His response: good. If I didn't have any physical activity at all, this plan would have gone out just fine. Hapkido Martial Arts. Halfway throughout this school year, I discovered if I skipped breakfast and lunch and attended class after school, result: black out in the middle of martial arts. Perhaps I should have drank more water. But it wasn't going to work. So I cut something else off. I'll skip breakfast and lunch on days I'm not going to martial arts and cut my dinner in half. I cut off the amount I ate rice.

My parents began to tell my relatives, proudly, that I was trying to go on a diet, and cut off eating rice. "Yeah, she's just like Bianca now."

Nothing changed. My weight stayed the same. No matter how much I ran in PE or on the treadmill...no matter how much I pushed myself in Hapkido...cutting my diet...The same big fat three digits came about when ever I stepped on the scale.

I stare at myself in the mirror in my room. At my body. My arms and thighs half muscle, half fat. And glare. I would start doing sit ups and ab twists, secretly while no one is looking my room, to burn off the fat on my tummy and hope the rest of the fat will go away in Hapkido. Hoping I could too look like the skinny girls and guys. Without having to disguise that my legs are at least a little bit skinny while standing, and feeling ashamed of my thighs showing off their fat, spreading across the seat while I sit. Without feeling fat wearing beautiful tops, with my arms squeezing through the short sleeves. Going down a size in jeans and not feeling depressed because my thighs are too gargantuan to fit all the way through.

I envy them all and hate it when they call themselves "fat" while standing in their skinny stick like shells.

I want all the voices to go away, telling me I'm fat. The doctor, my parents, my relatives...

Sigh...

I stand in front of a refrigerator for a moment. Perhaps I should eat something for lunch...I'm not hungry, walking away, feeling satisfied temporarily in my shorts and t-shirt, feeling around my waist and stomach that I feel a little bit skinny...at least until the next time I eat: dinner.

Perhaps I try to hard to fit in with the rest of the world. Peer pressure as one would call it. Someday I'm going to die of starvation and wonder if it was all worth it in the end. But it'll be too late by then.

I hear, you need to lose weight. I need to hear more. I need someone to tell me I look beautiful as I am. That I'm not fat. That I'm pretty. It's quite a selfish request.

All this confusion is running around in my mind about what I want.

I want to be skinny.

I want to shed it all off.

She Ate Tarzan

2009-07-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

So my mom's side was over for a lil party. And my aunt was helping my little cousin read, or at least identify objects in the storybooks. They were looking through Tarzan.

Aunt: Look, Maddy! Is a gorilla. The gorilla is eating the baby!

Me: No! The gorilla is hugging Tarzan!

Aunt: Oh, really? O.O It looks like she's gonna eat him. See? She's like holding him by the diaper.

So I guess supposedly, Tarzan never survived in his baby years.

I Stooped Down Low

2009-06-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

"Wow...I haven't made an actual blog post in a long time..."

- - - - -

I knew report cards had come out by seeing the first message of someone enjoying their grades on FaceBook. I was hoping I would get A's and B's as well on my report card and wanted to be the first one to see it for myself before my parents would. But upon going out the front door to check the mailbox, it was empty. The mailman did not arrive yet. I didn't want to freak out about it too much, so I put it at the back of my mind and forgot about it for the rest of the day.

Later that night, I heard my dad call on me. And simple "Yes?" asking what they wanted or needed was not satisfactory to my parent, so I went to the kitchen. My dad showed me my report card.

00 Web Design/Publ ... A

01 AP Eur His ... B

02 Geometry ... D

03 PE ... A

04 Eng Hon 2 ... B

05 Chemistry ... C

06 Spanish 2 ... B

Usually I would have gotten scared and nervous by now, but I was feeling calmly depressed as is. And my dad saved the time to talk to me about it later...That's good. But he said I had to drop all extra cirriculars and clubs. Huh.

I'm not going to rant about the D. I somewhat deserved it. (Though I really don't understand how I got a C in Chemistry when I feel like I've done better than last semester [B].) One section I decided to slack off and procastinate and do homework later and the test scores kill me. I tried raising it by the end of the semester, but I guess it didn't help... Gee... I really screwed up now.

Most of the rest of the night, I felt absolutely depressed and when 3-way talking to my boyfriend Charlie and my friend Hannah on the phone, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to act happy around them or not.

I was always scared of telling my dad whenever I got a bad grade on anything, ever since I was a little kid. I guess that's where lying started and continued, thinking I could handle it. Obviously, in this situation, it made it worse. And it was my own fault to not do the homework.

Hannah helped me straighten my thinking a bit though. She said I should talk to my dad seriously and look at him straight in the eyes, showing them I am a mature person and not their little kid anymore. I mean...I wasn't even looking at my dad when he showed me my report card...mainly because one of the things I fear most is my dad getting upset and/or angry with me.

The next day, I was thinking to myself how to talk to him and what to say. I mean, I seriously don't want to drop Baron Banner for sure and Baron Broadcast News (BBN). I'm basically the head designer and almost an editor-in-chief (I'm not even sure), plus I need that film experience for when I major in Film Production/Cinematography in college (preferably Boston University...I'm starting to wonder if they'll still accept me in senior year because of my specific grades ><).

What's my BIGGEST distraction? Well, I suppose I've already realized this answer...the computer. There's everything to do on the computer, especially if everyone of them are installed with an internet browser. And you can do and get distracted by anything at all. So I planned to ask my dad to restrain and limit my computer and internet usage and let me join at least Baron Banner and BBN (obviously theatre is too much, since it's after school hours. So I don't really mind; it was just something extra I might try). And those two clubs, Operation Smile (OpS) and American Cancer Society (ACS). The only one I really active in is OpS, since I'm vice president now. Phone? Not really, I can manage to do all my homework while still talking to Charlie, plus I can ask my friends and Charlie for help on homework.

So I went outside and had that serious talk, thanks to the help of Hannah to boost my confidence. I'm not going to give details, but I'm satisfied with the results. My dad talked to me about my revised class schedule, college stuff, goals and discipline on me and my brother. Apparently, he's taking it easy on me since I'm a girl (kinda sexist, but okay; "Alex has to be the man of the house" is what I remember my dad saying) and I'm going into a film major, not a major like medical science or such. But he's definately keeping a closer eye on me on my academics (random, but I think it's kinda funny he pronounced "academics" as "economy," but I don't say anything everytime he says it during his lecture).

I shouldn't forget like it never happened, because it's affecting my GPA for sure going down to a 3.26 this semester. My dad wants me not to challenge myself too much like my cousin Tony who took all honors and AP's, but take at least the minimal basics, like my cousin Bianca, who has straight A's with regular classes. So I'm going to drop Spanish 3 next year, because he wants me to get an A for sure, not a B, to raise my GPA. So I need to find an elective now that I'll probably enjoy that'll get me an A.

I can't believe I've slowly stooped down this low for my grades, but I shouldn't be too depressed about it. But I'm staying strong.

New Blog Search Engine!

2009-06-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

So I finally got a new search engine for the blog and got it to work and look properly on my blog layout ;D Woohoo! That's all I wanted to blog about. Haha ^_^

Photos: Family, Alex, Misc.

2009-06-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

So I posted new photos on FaceBook. Unless you're a friend with me on FaceBook, I don't think you guys can see the full image, but here are some preview thumbnails. (Click on the thumbnails for the full image)

- - - - -

Family 2009
Hanging out at my Aunt Oanh's house, playing with my baby cousin, Elizabeth (Phuong Trinh).

Miscellaneous
Proof to my boyfriend Charlie that my pet tortoise/turtle named Rocky DOES exist.

The Ridiculous Life with Alex
This is a new album I created dedicated to my younger brother that I will show to him 10+ years from now to show him how much a ridiculous person he was. In the following thumbnails, he's playing with Elizabeth's boys and laying on the floor of the car while my mom is driving.

Advanced Technological Communication ftw

2009-06-23T22:24:00.000-07:00

So my mom found a new way of telling Alex or me to do something for her without shouting at us from the other side of the house.

- - - - -

-cell phone rings-

Me: Hello?

Mom: Get out here now and help me with laundry.

Me: Er...O_o okay...

Mom: I love you!

-hang up-

May 2009 Artwork

2009-06-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

I post any kind of artwork I do. I do traditional drawings, graphics design, editorial design (newspaper), photography, scrapbooking and crafting, desktop wallpaper, etc.

Here's a gallery of artwork I have created in May.

Here We Go Again

2009-06-23T20:58:00.001-07:00

I have not posted a lot of blog posts this school year compared to freshman year. In general, I have not posted a lot of blog posts lately...period. Perhaps, I should get myself into the habit of doing so again.

I think I'll start by posting up blog posts everytime I have a new artwork to post on my deviantArt as well, along with my YouTube videos. (Maybe I'll start making a gallery as well for any set of photos I take for events and blog about it).

It's a start...or rather a restart o.O.

I guess lately, I look for more talking one-on-one about my thoughts lately, rather than typing/writing/blogging it down.

Fifty Dollars

2009-05-14T23:22:00.002-07:00

Charlie Mai: Guess waht?!

Michelle Doan: CHICKEN BUTT o.o

Charlie Mai: I'm gunna waste 50 dollars

Michelle Doan: O_O why???

Charlie Mai: Lol ah! You got me. It was chicken butt.

Charlie Mai: Cause I wanna

Michelle Doan: at the theme park?

Charlie Mai: No its not on that.

Michelle Doan: im prob gonna send u a 4th month present

Charlie Mai: You'll love it. Lol =]

Michelle Doan: and send over stuff for tanh, thain, kent, jesica, madelyn, and hannah too

Michelle Doan: o.o

Michelle Doan: the best one's for charlie tho :D

Michelle Doan: don't tell him

Charlie Mai: Lol its gunna cost more

Michelle Doan: it costed 5 to send that other present

Michelle Doan: besides

Michelle Doan: its for you guys =] itll be worth it

Charlie Mai: lol whatever

Michelle Doan: 50 DOLLARS?!?!??!?!!!?? O_O

Charlie Mai: Lol nice response lol took you a while

- - - - -

"My process of thinking seems to be slow..."

I Less Than Three You

2009-05-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

Michelle Doan: lol

Charlie Mai: o.o

Charlie Mai: i

Charlie Mai: less then 3 you

Charlie Mai: lol

Michelle Doan: ??

Michelle Doan: o.O?

Charlie Mai: o.o

Charlie Mai: Spell it out!

Charlie Mai: ;o

Michelle Doan: less than 3?

Michelle Doan: -confused-

Charlie Mai: O.o

Charlie Mai: what's the symbol for less than o.o

Michelle Doan: what are we talking about...

Michelle Doan: < > [ignore arrow, stupid html] 3 o.O

[supposed to make heart symbol]

Michelle Doan: OHHHHHHHH

Michelle Doan: >< - slow-

Charlie Mai: o.o

Charlie Mai: HAHAHAHA

Charlie Mai: *hugs*

Charlie Mai: lol

Charlie Mai: ur soo cute

Charlie Mai: xD

- - - - -

"I'm slow as ever..."

Michelle+Hapkido=Balance?

2009-04-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

Inside classroom for PE, watching a video about self-defense.

Video: Martial arts like Ju Jitsu and Hapkido help improve your balance.

Friends crack up.

Friend: That doesn't sound right.

**Michelle has taken band and is in Hapkido and still has no sense of balance...AT ALL.

Not Asian Enough

2009-03-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

"Forgive me for my cruddy writing. I just bs-ed it because I'm doing homework."

- - - - -

Stereotype. It's peer pressure.

"Your parents don't look Asian."

I remember hearing one of my friends saying that when I was younger when I showed them a photo of my parents. What made them not look Asian?

Their eyes look big.

I look at some of my other Asian friends, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc, and some of the Asian celebrities online. Vietnamese people usually don't have as slanted eyes as other south-eastern Asians, but there are still those who do. And when I look at Asians with pretty narrow eyes, I envy them and wish I had eyes like those too.

I was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom tonight and I thought to myself how I didn't really look so pretty compared to other Asian girls. I have the side bangs...And I try putting on lip gloss. I look at my eyebrows and try making them more narrow and pretty. If only I had some eye liner and some foundation or something.

I look at myself in the mirror again. Ugly. My eyebrows are still ugly and bushy. And my forehead is humongous... even worse of it all...my eyes are too big...

I went back to my room and put lotion all over my face in place of foundation, hoping my skin would look more smooth and such. Then I grabbed the roll of scotch tape and took pieces of tape to pull back my eyes to make it more narrow, curved, and pretty. And I push down the tape on my face to make the tape as transparent as possible. I look at myself in the mirror again and I think.

I must be so desperate, but I wish I had prettier eyes like these...or better, without the tape.

I try to think of my good points that "make me Asian."

At least I try to speak my own language, and I can read/write in Vietnamese, though I still have a long way to go to be fluent in Vietnamese.

I feel like crying on the inside though, because I'm not a skinny Asian enough to fit an Ao dai during Tet. And I'm not so pretty like my other cousins with my pretty long flowing hair, etc.

I don't even have a Vietnamese accent...

Stereotype kills self-esteem.

I don't feel Asian enough.

How Long Will You Last? (Another Penhall Moment)

2009-03-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

4th period English Honors 2 discusses the CAHSEE a week before testing.

Lily: What if we aren't done by fourth period?

Mr. Penhall: We're having a study period. And besides, you're not going to take 4 or 5 periods taking the CAHSEE...

- - - - -

1st Day (modified Tuesday) of the English CAHSEE

Mr. Penhall: -takes attendance- Where's Lily?

Tiffany: Still taking the CAHSEE.

Mr. Penhall: You're kidding me... -shocked smile-

Lily comes in a few minutes after class starts.

Lily: I couldn't take it anymore... I was soooo bored!

Snip and Cut

2009-03-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

"I'm halfway done with my first TTAAP Film Short's storyboard and script =] It's based off Sami's 'Reflections on Culture' blog post."

- - - - -

I remember before I became more aware of our declining economy, especially before this schoolyear, everything seemed to be fine. Now anything from teacher protests to housing foreclosures are almost a naturally familiar topic of the days. Any thought of spending money was crucially thought out and as this economy gets worse every single day that passes by, the more scared people get of losing everything they once had in their everyday life.

I suppose I never thought about it, but my dad didn't truly start struggling and complaining about his money crisis until last year during fall marching band season. Almost every day I went to rehearsal, my dad would always lecture me on how much time band took up and how much money they used up. He used excuses like "they don't care about the students doing their homework or anything, they just want your money." It's not that my dad couldn't absolutely afford letting me join marching band, at least last year. I became angry that he pulled me out of band the next year because of his many complaints about it, but as I came to think about it...If I kept staying in band for the rest of my 3 years in high school...he'll surely go broke. Three thousand dollars per year is a lot of money to work for...

Awhile ago, my cousins' family on my mom's side moved to Arizona because the houses there were cheap and I remember visiting them winter break during freshman year. This year, both my cousins' families were forced to move back to California and find a new job and rent a new house or stay with another family. Times are getting tough and I feel like its all over the news now--people losing their jobs and homes. My dad recently has been talking about how long until he loses his job too and when we are forced to move when housing foreclosure hits us. So he tries to remind me as much as possible how lucky I am to have the possessions I have now, such as my own computer and room, a collection of loving stuffed animals, and even a dog.

A few years ago when I was younger, my dad used to get my little brother, Alex, and I to find and help cut out the double coupons for Ralph's every Sunday to buy a surplus amount of groceries. Alex and I always dreaded bothering to cut and snip up every single coupon and matching them up with their double coupon and stapling them together. And let's not forget forget categorizing them in piles of what we need, what we want, and what we don't need period. As time passed by, Alex and I got lazier and the number of double coupons to cut out declined. Soon, there were even double coupons and they only came as one page. Today is March 17, 2009. Every Sunday, I never see the Ralph's coupons section anymore. Am I relieved? Somewhat. At the same time, I feel a bit of guilt now for not taking advantage of those last coupons. But when exactly was the last time I ever saw those coupons? Too long ago...

We need a miracle.

As graduation day senior year comes closer, although two years from now (but times flies by too fast), my dad gets more nervous about having to pay for a four-year college or a university, so recieving scholarships is extremely crucial. And with everyone almost in the same situation, theres going to be chaos in competition.

I don't know exactly how the rest of the country is doing right now...but in my world, if I were to describe the economy's role in our community in a one words, it'd be "chaotic."

I've never felt so much fear in the air in my life.

We're Going to "Penhall" This

2009-02-26T22:56:00.001-08:00

I wanted to put this in Overheard in FVHS, but then I'd be violating the anonymous rule. And it wouldn't be funny without putting Mr. Penhall's name in there haha.

- - - - -

Lily: Mr. Penhall, my friend told me that when her class was reading a book, her teacher said they were going to "Penhall" it.

Penhall: Penhall it?

Lily: Yeah, like go through it fast.

(Later on)

Penhall: Okay, kids...Listen up and act like you care. We're going to practice for the CAHSEE. Whereas, some people will take hour studying for the CAHSEE, we'll take twenty minutes.

Lily: Alright...we're going to Penhall this... -determined face-

Guilty until Proven Guilty: Accused of Cheating

2009-02-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

So two weeks ago, we had a lab and had to do a lab writeup in Chem. For one of the questions, I didn't know how to do a conversation from liters to mols and I asked another friend who was also in chem if she knew how. She told me 1 mol/22.4L. So I trusted her and used it for my calculations.

Two weeks later (today), after our chem test, my student teacher calls me up along with a couple of other students, one at a time, accusing us of cheating. She said 5 people had the same calculations all wrong using the same number. She asked me where I got 22.4 from when we haven't even learned about it yet.
I was like "From a friend."
"So you cheated off of her?"
"No, I just needed help and like---"
"I understand you guys get the same numbers on your data, but copying each other off for answers is not the right thing to do."

First of all, I didn't cheat...I did all the calculations and my whole write up, besides the data from the lab itself, by myself. And I got that simple number only from a friend. The rest on my own. So how the heck am I supposed to know I wasn't allowed to use 22.4L/1mol or w/e on my lab. The five other people who were also accused weren't even people I was closely associated with at all in my class either.

We tried bringing it up with the student teacher and Mr. Olsberg again and both got furious at us. "Do you want me to bring these papers up to the board? Do you guys want an honor code violation?" No... "Takes your papers. I''m tired of hearing your complaints and excuses. I don't ever want to see you cheating again."

The paper was a zero, but they said they weren't going to record it. At least, I think that's what they said.

So after, I went to my friend's Japanese class, the same one who told me 22.4L/1mol, right next to my 6th period Spanish2 class to rant. We were just talking about how ridiculous it was until my chem student teacher walked into the room, randomly. And I was just like "Crap, she's here O_O" and snuck back to my classroom before she caught my friends and I talking about the cheating issue.

Though, the zero didn't get recorded nor did I get an honor code violation, I was still pretty ticked off. They didn't even try to listen. But I kinda understand where they are coming from, having to deal with students all the time who actually do cheat or not. No one really knows the truth except for the person themself. Although it's very annoying...and I bet my student teacher's going to think I'm a kind of person who cheats now in Chem...how bothersome...She's going to be on my bad side for awhile. Mr. Olsberg too.

Sometimes I think adults treat us so harshly compared to their own peers. Where's our right for due process? Guilty! But--GUILTY! sheesh.
(I know, I'm too Phoenix Wright obsessed).

To My Handsome Sweet Valentine...

2009-02-14T03:13:00.000-08:00

**Purposely made to be public

Dear Charliee "Cutie" Bi [Maikika],

(That's all I know of your full name so far, unless that's it lol).

You seem to come out of nowhere or maybe out of my dreams the moment after I began to wish there was someone out there for me. And your piece seemed to fix my jigsaw puzzle perfectly because I don't feel that hole I've had in me for awhile waiting and trying to find "the one" out there.

It's amazing, as I have never believed in love at first sight, we got off pretty fast when Tanh (Brian) introduced us together. Seeing what you looked like, every time I talked to Tanh after talking to you for the "first time" (technically, the first time was a few months ago, before Tanh got a phone and you were giving me a short message from him) like a friend with Tanh and Alice, I kept going on about how you were so cute and had an interesting personality. It somehow matched mine. It was crazy.

And, despite the fact, I became pessimistic for going anything past crushes, Tanh kept encouraging me on that you liked me. Me: "I bet you're just misunderstanding him. I doubt he does." And it seemed that you talked to him about the same exact thing. [You: Oh my gosh, what if she rejects me?!?!?!"] Tanh is like the all-mighty omniscient God. Haha :D He knows everything...but can't help and make things weirder or more dramatic (like that time he encouraged me thinking you were mad at me that one time. lol).

The scary thing that drew me closer to like you besides Tanh's encouragement was the fact we seemed to have so many things in common. Your personality was the number one thing on the list that drew my attention the most...I felt like I could talk to you forever, but I guess if that happens, there would be nothing else to talk about anymore, huh? :D But the thing is, I've never felt so myself before. I've acted in such a way around you that I've never really showed to any other person because I'm somewhat embarrassed to show it.

In one of my previous Facebook notes, I wrote "In my dreams, there is a guy...one I wish would exist in my life..." and you seem to answer to these wishes five days following this post.

* You went up to me yourself orally instead of online that you like me and asked me out and be your girlfriend.

* You want to be that "perfect" boyfriend to me as much I want to be one for you.

* You're someone who I can and would sing random songs or car karaoke with without worrying about embarrassing myself (though, I do sometimes, but not embarrassed enough that I wouldn't do it at all.)

* We both want to learn to ball-room dance with each other.

* You're easy to talk to and if something bugged one of us or such, we'd help each other out.

* You seem to notice easily when somethings wrong through my voice and tone (and you're really at it too... O_O)

Well...you basically get it :]

You are my Tarzan and I am your Jane or so-called "Oh, I see." Haha.

You are my Shang and I am your Mulan to help you save the Emperor Tanh LOL

You are my Flick and I am your Atta saving you with my wings :]

You are my Peter Pan and I am your Wendy to kiss you on the lips.

You are my Aladdin and I am your Jasmine to sing "A Whole New World" with you on a magic carpet.

You are my Marvin the clownfish and I am your Dory being clueless as ever.

You are my Demitri and I am your Anya or Anastasia to dance with you like At the Beginning. (I need to get myself that movie on VCR).

You are my Charliee and I am your Michi and together we'll be dominating the world in happiness no matter the obstacles.

I found it hilarious how that one time we watched I believe it was Bug's Life (I could be wrong) on VCR (We love watching VCR movies =] ), on Tet, and I was waiting Alex's room with my cousins while you were loading your VCR player.

My cousins kept asking, "Aren't you gonna watch the movie?" -impatient-

Me: "I'm waiting."

Cousins: "For what??!?!"

You: "Okay, I'm ready."

Me: "Okay, click play in 3..2..1....omgosh your ahead of me by a second...."

Cousin: "OHHHH. I thought he was coming over here to watch with you."

ahahhah That was funny. Too bad Alex was the loudest one in the room while we were watching, next to the cousins later on playing Taboo with Alex in the room instead of my room... Cough. Tony and Johnny and Alex.

Watching movies in-sync is so much while on the phone with you haha.

I feel kind of bad that you told a lot of your friends about me already and I am your girlfriend and how some of em have already befriended me decently enough that the next time I talk with them, I don't feel all awkward. I should introduce my friends more to you, if they are more willing to like your friends. By the way, your friend Kent still didn't talk to me much yet, Haha.

I really have to (you too mister) have to appreciate Tanh a lot for encouraging the whole liking each other thing. Even though, I really wanted and supported Tanh's encouragement (in my mind), I thought myself... I'll stick with crushes until a guy seemingly decent asked me or something. I never thought you'd actually ask me out. That was the amazing part that absolutely brought all my hopes back up again. :]

Now, lately being so happy, I've been really modest and going like "I'm soo sorry!" lately, whether it's to you or my peers. It's not exactly a bad thing, but I guess it's because I don't want to do anything stupid and mess things up.

Hope you like your scrapbook/collage page I made you and the Rottweiler puppy stuffed animal (his name is Tommy :D). I have another Rottweiler puppy too, but a little bigger sized (his name is Ethan :D). Remember to give Tanh his presents I gave him too that came with you presents.

I love you very much.

Em yeu anh nhieu qua.

Te amo mucho.

Wo ai ni.

Hope you a lovely Valentines, cutie! I'll talk to you later.

Love, Michelle "Michi" Quynh Dao Que Doan

P.S. I hope you enjoyed those voice mail presents I left for you. I feel kinda embarrassed about them, but I'll get over it later.

Feeding the Birds their Worms

2009-02-02T15:40:00.001-08:00

So Victoria and the recruitment team were talking about what teachers they particularly want to have to recruit students in their class...

Zack (in response to Victoria's recruitment schedule email)

!!
Can I trade somebody for Winkle? I asked Victoria to reserve her class for me, but I think she thought I said "Wilton".
Anybody want to trade?
Zack (with Michelle)

Rachel

sorry zack, i liked (ok maybe not quite like, but didnt hate) winkle lol and i havent seen or talked to her since she left my class last year when she got sick so i kinda want to go do her class and see her.

oh and did u email all the teachers were visiting to make sure its ok and they dont have a test or anything victoria?

Victoria

Yup. I sent an e-mail out to all the English teachers that you guys are coming on Monday, February 2nd at the beginning of the period and that it'll be short/ sweet. All questions should be sent to baronbanner@fvhs.com.

And by the way, if you're hitting "Reply All" Dr. Poff is getting these e-mails from us, too, haha.

Zack

Surely you could donate one of your Winkle visits, seeing as how you already have three...
Right now you have eight visits for first period and we have five. Make it 7 & 6, maybe?

Hmmm?

Michelle

lol why does rachel get all penhall? wouldn't it be fair if we evened out the classes, so we wouldn't have all this conflict fighting over classes?

Victoria

You guys are too funny.

Rachel

because rachel used the rule of taptap. rachel "taptapped" all the penhall and winkle classes, therefore securing her visits to penhall and winkle. and michelle, you have penhall. zack, you have winkle. you already see them. why the need to see them again? next year (when you guys are still here and i am gone) remember the rule of taptap. lol.

Claudia

OHMYGOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! :)

you guys know that all these emails go out to EVERYONE?!?!?!??!?!?! or atleast to everyone on the email list...
even dr. poff sees this!!!!!!
LIKE OMG... LOL...THIS IS crazzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyy :]

winkle, penhall, tap tappppppp WHO CARES?!?!? jk... does that even EXIST?! :P

haha... i say zack and rachel should just transfer this conversation into a blog, where we can all comment and read from there.
:)
LOL

Rachel

i know lol im sure everyone is getting entertainment out of this, even poff

and the rule of taptap is a legitimate rule everyone should know :)

and i love how you put some form of a happy face after every paragraph claudia lol :D

Zack

Fine.
Only because you're a senior.
But next year I'll be laughing maniacally when I've monopolized all the best teachers.

Michelle

lol ill make sure to partner with zack LOL

Dr. Poff

You guys are too funny. Keep it up! i want to see you all crawling over each other to get through the door...

Michelle

claudia, neslihaun, and victoria. you stole laframboise from zack and i!! ahhhhhhhhhh >O -revolts- lol

omgosh ragan's class scared zack and i so much D;

-opens door- WILL YOU JUST SHUDDUP?!?!

zack and me: O.O

ranting from teacher to student

BEEP BEPPP BEPPP we'll just uh O_O come bak later -walks away really fast-

zack: I REALLY wanted to stay and listen! i really did!

me: @_@..........

To be continued...or not?

The Teenage Asian American Project

2009-01-18T16:35:00.000-08:00

I've been making this my goal since freshman year of high school and I haven't really gotten to attempting it yet...I probably should soon, I have about two years of high school left before the goal deadline is over.

I made a goal to myself to make at least one full-length movie before I graduate. Sounds somewhat challenging, but I think I can do it. And I think I found some inspiration thinking about what it should be able today, while vacuuming the house (I know...weird time to find some inspiration, huh?). I want to make a movie based on the life (lives?) of the teenager Asian-American (maybe more specific...like the first generation Vietnamese-American, such as myself).

I didn't want it based all about me though, I wanted stories to connect with each other...Then I thought, maybe I'll get some of my first generation-Vietnamese and other Asian-American friends and peers to help me create a script.

This is going to be a little project I will attempt at doing to help me start writing the script for my movie. I'm going to get those people to write me a story or essay, I don't care, about their lives as an Asian American. It doesn't matter how long it is and they don't have to put their names. I'm not expecting a melodramatic story. I expect someone to be honest for me to write an accurate script as possible. It could somewhat be like what Nuran did last year for the Baron Banner blogs--Truth. Something where they could write about anything personal and such anonymously. Hard to explain...maybe it's just me.

That will be my basis for now for the movie.

I'll call it...The Teenage Asian American Project (TTAAP).

In My Dreams...

2009-01-17T23:28:00.000-08:00

In my dreams, there is a guy...one I wish would exist in my life...one who will...

have the guts to come up to me face-to-face and ask me out...
commit to the relationship as much as I would at least...
sing car karaoke with me without any care in the world...
dance with me at prom or a ball...or my wedding
be gentle, friendly, and honest with me so that I will not be afraid to talk to...
not be clueless and notice when somethings wrong...
reassure me that he cares and loves me...and hopefully, at least once, that he will go above and beyond what is expected to achieve that goal...
take interest in what my life is like as I will take interest into his...
watch the stars with me at night while laying on the wide empty field of grass...
have a good relationship with my parents and will have parents whom I will have a good relationship with too...
appreciate having a dog...
always be open for a hug, even at random times (I hug almost everyone)...
make the first move...
have more guts to talk to me about personal things face to face rather than on the phone, or especially on IM chat/texting...
not be overly-sensitive if I tease him, unless reasonable...
be my best friend and my boyfriend (and maybe even more later on in life) at the same time...
try to make me happy
be the one who I will be proud and happy to call mine...

He would be almost good to be true and obviously, not everyone is perfect...But I can dream...and I wish somewhere in my lifetime, I would meet such a guy. I wish.

Holiday Cheer

2008-12-29T19:14:00.001-08:00

Vietnamese Terms:

-Chi: Older sister/female cousin
-Anh: Older brother/male cousin
-Co: Aunt on Dad's Side
-Di: Aunt on Mom's Side

Hey! It's been...almost a month since I last posted an official journal that isn't a survey, etc.

Happy (belated or not) Chrimahanukwanzakah! or Happy Holidays :3 -sing- And a Happy New Year!

This year, we did something different, I had my family Christmas party on Christmas Eve instead, since I guess my cousin who's visiting from Medical School in Minnesota will be busy on Christmas party at her house.

So this year, theres:
-Tony & Chi Phuong (the one that's visiting from Med School)
-Chi Phuong's bf Marcos
-Belle & Chi (Tony's dad's side)
-Johnny
-Chi Trang, Anh Nai, Anh Gon
-Chi Trang's bf Kenny

My cousins Elbert, Natalie, & William always spend Christmas in Texas or San Jose and this year, my cousin Hang and in-law Thai (and sweet little Ethan) are spending Christmas in Arizona with Thai's family. So the party is smaller this year. Plus, my little nieces and twin nephews, Jessica and Jasmine, and Jason and Jacob, usually come, but they aren't anymore (sadly).

Thanksgiving is usually the biggest family reunion of the year. I don't know where we're spending New Years this year, maybe at my house again (we usually spend special holidays at my house).

ANYWAY...

My parents didn't want us to open all our presents, so my cousin opened all their's while Alex and I only opened 2-3 presents and saved the rest for Christmas morning (I never opened presents Christmas morning before I always wait in the afternoon with my cousins for the party each year).

I decided to open the biggest box first. It was like the size of one of those computer thingys that sit next to your monitor or under your desk. It was huge o.O so I opened it. Inside the box was... Elmo Live.

Reactions:
Mine - O_O
Johnny (who helped me open it) - omg lol

Also inside the box was a couple books I wanted for Xmas and...a big Pikachu plushie taht looked just like the one from my room...hmm this looks familiar, especially since it's not in my room at the moment...WAIT A MINUTE! My parents put it in there to take up space...lol But the center of attention was the Elmo Live. My family kept watching it, neglecting their gifts as they stared and was mesmorized by the dancing and talking Elmo. It was so funny. But after awhile, I've grown to love it My favorite story Elmo tells is about his encounter with the giant :]

"Hey! Elmo has a story to tell you!
-sits down and crosses his legs- Hmmm...Oh! I know!

One day, Elmo was walking down Sesame Street, when all of a sudden, he heard someone say: "FI FI FO FUM! I smell a little monster!"
Elmo was scared. -hand touches chin and shivers-
Elmo looks up -tilts his head up-
...and up -even higher-
...all the way up! -looks up at the ceiling- Whoa-ha-ha! (me: cracking up)
It was a giant!
Elmo screamed! AHHHHHH!!!! -flaps arms and screams up to the ceiling-
But then...the giant screamed too! AHHHHHH!!! -same thing-
Elmo said: "Hey! What are you screaming for? You're a BIIIIG giant!"
The giant said: "But I'm scared of little red monsters."
Elmo and the giant look at each other. -looks up a the ceiling-
And then we laugh for being so silly! Ahahahahahha.
Elmo had so much fun that day with his new friend!
The End!

Elmo loves that story!"

Hahahha.

All of my presents:
-Set of 84 Gel Pens (from Mom)
-Elmo Live!
-Books: (from Dad)
::The Tales of Beedle the Bard (JK ROWLING)
::Th1rteen R3asons Why (Jay Asher)
::The Things They Carried (Tim O'Brien)
::Marley & Me (John Grogan)
::The Memory Keeper's Daughter (Kim Edwards)
::Sarah's Key (Tatiana Rosney)
::Ever (Gail Carlson Levine)
::Fairy Haven and the Quest for the Wand (Gail Carlson Levine)
::The Long Walk (Stephen King)
-Vietnamese Books: (from Co Thu)
::Snow White & the 7 Dwarves
::The other two, I can't tell what the title's mean
-Cute black dress (from Chi Trang)
-Toe socks (from Bianca)
-Socks and a photo frame (from Chi Phuong)
-Scrapbook and scrapbook items (from Chi Hang and Thai)
-A brown puffy vest that looks almost like the one I have already (from Di Oanh)
-Black hand purse that I gave to my mom (from Di Hong)
-Pink thermal-like longsleeve shirt (from Dad)

On New Year's day, Tony and I are going to go to our friend Zong Wei's house for a club potluck. KFC's gonna be there too And Cindy. And other bando friends (club is like 80% bando xD...maybe 90%).

I think I've typed too much. So I'm signing out now. :] Have a great winter break!

Cursed Journal

2008-12-08T17:24:00.000-08:00

Way back before the Baron Banner, before blogging in freshman year to this year as a sophomore, I used to keep a journal. It was one of those spiral notebooks with a fancy looking cover, I put an elephant sticker on it to make it look more cute. That was my daily journal, in which I kept all my thoughts in, and I never showed anyone. Not even my best friends.

These were the times where hormones start coming on and when my mood swings started. 8th grade, the year in which I considered the worst from start to end. I wasn't used to talking to people about my problems a lot, because I didn't want people to know I was feeling depressed or sad, just happy. And if I really really wanted to express it, like on my ex-Myspace account, I would leave confusing status messages only I would understand.

I wrote in the journal every single day as much as I could when I was in a writing mood. I wrote about what I did in the day, I ranted in it when I felt angry, went to the journal when I was depressed, anything.

Sooner or later, it got to a point where the journal began to drive me nuts, leading me to overthink issues, questioning myself without anything consulting to me back. It was like containing all my emotions into a bottle or a balloons, filling it more and more with air or maybe bees or any kinda of bug, that sooner or later, there's too much to hold inside and the balloon wants to pop, or the bugs barely have enough room or air to breathe in the bottle, they begin to go crazy and hallucinate...Well, you get it.

As for me, I went emo. And as much as I didn't want people to know how I felt, I didn't want people to know I was emo. So I didn't show it off, dressed all in black, etc. I wanted to kill myself, run in front of a car. Suicidal. And that's all I wanted to think. I didn't want to live anymore.

Until one day, I finally had the guts to talk to a close friend about it, and she became somewhat like a psychiatrist for me. That's how it was all year, whenever I had something to talk about (and I had much to talk about to her, good or bad), I went to her for advise, her consultation, just for her to listen. And I stopped writing in my journal.

By the end of 8th grade, I still had those mood swings and now, but I wasn't suicidal anymore, and I wasn't going nuts, keeping it all in. I looked at my old journal, in which I used to go to for comfort every single day in 8th grade, at the end of the school year in the summer. I took a sharpie and scribbled in "CURSED JOURNAL" on every single page.

Later on in my freshman year, I found my old journal again and looked through it. What a different I was like in writing. And what a different person I was like then and now. I did not wish to cherish this memory though. The next day, I handed the journal to my friend and asked her to burn it or dispose of it somehow. And after that, I never saw it again.

When I started the Baron Banner Blogs, I was uneasy about starting something like a journal again, but it's probably the best things that's helped me let things off my chest. I felt free, open, and honest to express myself just like any other journal. It was public too and my loyal peers gave me great advise and comfort to my blogs, and I felt similarity when others write about problems similar to mine.

From now on, I've gotten myself to avoid trying to bottle up all my emotions into a bottle. In the end, the emotions will fly around out of control if they become too much to handle all by myself.

Unexplainable Passion

2008-12-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

December. "The Greatest Time of the Year" as Aly & AJ titled their song for the holidays two years ago for the Santa Claus movie with Jack Frost.

There's an unexplainable feeling whenever Christmas, just the spirit of it, makes me really psyched for the holidays to come. I enjoy the decorations at the mall, Christmas tree decorating and gift wrapping, and the best thing is giving gifts to my friends and family.

This month, I look forward to Disneyland with my bando and orchestra friends, Christmas, the day before Winter break to give presents to my friends, and ice skating with NHS and OpS (Operation Smile). Too bad some of my close friends can't go to the ice skating thing, but at least there's still Disneyland. I actually get to march with the other guys at Disneyland too. I'm so excited. All year, I've been wanting to get in that uniform again, mainly to have that same feeling, I get when I'm on the football field, performing in front of the hundreds of people and the judges. It's like a satisfied feeling, and from the first tournament to the last tournament, I had that small depression I tried to hide at the back of my mind, so it wouldn't cause a burden. I wanted to be happy for everyone, and I was.

(This is the part where I start drifting off into another subject). I wrote a little bit about my weird happiness for the guys their first tournament. So happy, I cried a bit, but I wiped the tears away quickly. And when Kevin and David stacked their shackos (hats) on my head, it made me miss it so much. But that's life. The last competition I got to see was at Trabuco Hills. Instead of buying a ticket to sit out in the audience and watch all the other bands perform as well. I helped the pit, as I started to do the 3rd competition. We pushed the pit equipment all the way around the track as Upland High School marched onto the field to get ready to start their show. After setting up the equipment on deck, I watched the pit girls running around hugging each other good luck. I was mesmorized by the Upland marchers marching on the turf, and being so close to the corner of the turf field myself, I wanted to know what it was like to march on it again, but it wasn't the same. The turf was more rubbery in the middle of the field. I stared up at the judge's box for a minute and imagine and flashback myself performing Fusion at RCC, Madera, Finals, etc. last year. I couldn't grasp that same feeling.

But it was weird, while standing there about to push the pit equipment again for Fountain Valley performing next, I felt a nervous feeling as if I, myself, were going to perform. But I wasn't, that's the crusher. I wasn't performing. Again, I tried to contain my tears, but i ended up shedding a tear or two anyways. But I ended up trying to put that feeling and thought at the back of my mind again, after Fountain Valley came on the field and set up. I was up and about, going back and forth video-recording the band for a band music video, and I lost focus of the show, so I couldn't get a deep feeling about it.

Wearing that uniform on Tuesday at Disneyland is the closest thing I've got to being a part of the band again, as if I were going to go on the field again, but its just marching around Disneyland. Not so bad, it's just not so intense as marching on the football field.

I don't think I'm going to try to get Wampler to attempt to pull me out of PE, though, to get me into 2nd semester concert band. I think I'll use my 2nd semester to try to get straight A's or at least one B. I would say this is karma, for being such a forgetful, sometimes procastinating, person. But Christmas spirit keeps my hopes up.

Raining Joy

2008-10-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

I've heard of people being so happy, they cried with joy, but I never really experienced it myself...It was weird...I was close to crying...but I wasn't depressed, I was so filled up with happiness, so excited...even more since...I don't know...I was just SO happy for them...I felt tears in my eyes.

I rode to Chino Hills to Ayala High School on Saturday with my cousin Tony (graduated last year and was in the FVRR marching band), and my friends Tom, Kevin, Denise, and their mom. The band was having their first WBA competition of the season and, although I've been to their rehearsals on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I couldn't wait to see their show in the competition up in the bleachers. Right when we arrived at the school, we went to find the band and there practice spot and I was dashing off to greet the bandos good luck and see my friends.

We later left the band to warm up to get our seats in the bleachers with the other bando parents fron Fountain Valley. We came early enough to watch at least all of the 5A performances (at least Tony really wanted to). I was only going to wait until after the FVRR performance, then go hang out with them.

The band was on deck to perform after Arcadia high school. When Arcadia came on, I was thinking, oh my gosh, this is almost like last year's championships and finals with James Logan High school, but they were smaller. They still took up almost all of the football field though and had very small intervals (they even had trombones, how difficult to march with such small intervals). Because of such a large number of student marchers on the field, I guess that's the reason why they had their director be their only drum major, compared to the other bands and their student drum majors. James Logan High School although had student drum majors and was so big, they had a freshman band AND a regular band. And they STILL took up most of the football field! Crazy!

I was shaking and pulling on Denise's arm as I pointed at our band. "Our band's coming up next!!! I can't wait!" I was so impatient and anxious I was shaking all over, especially at my legs. Tom, Tony, and I bought an airgram for our friend Zongwei when they walk out on the field. We were always in band and never bought an airgram before, so we were confused how to do it. We decided to send him and inside band joke from last year's Fusion show, where Tony and his friend James made up lyrics with part of the 3rd movement of Fusion, which created Zongwei's new theme song. The message said: "To Zongwei. From Tom, Tony, and Michelle. Zongwei, he is the section leader. He will bite your head off. Watch out for his [piccalo.]" It was so hilarious and Denise and I screamed our throats out as the band came on. I made sure not to step on the funnel cake I laid down in front of me (I was plannig to save it to give to the bando's to eat afterwards).

(written and unfinished on October 9, 2008)

Hallow's Eve Dress Up Time

2008-10-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

For awhile this month, I was thinking what to be this year. I wanted to be creative and something pretty cool, compared to just wearing my martial arts uniform.

OH! I got my brown belt yesterday! I am so happy =] Yay. The next test for my brother and I will be in six months now rather than the usual three since it's takes longer to learn and know all the things for brown/red/black belts for the belt tests. Next test, I hope I can break the real thick one-inch, instead of the half-inch. I asked for one-inch, but couldn't break it (I need to kick harder). Oh, I was doing the flying sidekick. I kept falling and landing on the guys holding the board. Haha >_<

Back to the subject. I knew I was going to be Tohru from Fruits Basket next summer for Anime Expo when I grow out my hair and get my mom to help me make my outfit (AND I CAN HOLD STUFFED ANIMALS; I need to find an orange cat, purple mouse, and a tiger stuffed animal...). But it wouldn't be so fun doing it at school. So then I thought today during dinner, randomly.

I could be a white tiger!! I love tigers =] And dragons. I could get my mom to help me with the outfit.

Make:
-White hat with pointy roundish ears (white on outside/behind; pink or black inside/front?)
----[if my brown hat with ears doesn't match; if that fails, i can always get a headband or something and make ears and stick them in my hair]
-White long gloves with pink paw prints and black stripes
-White tshirt with black stripes
-White pants with black stripes (my mom used to sew custom pjs for me =])
-White tail (how do i do that?)

Have:
-boots (yay i have those!)
-

Need:
-Light blue eye shadow :3
-Black facepaint for stripes and whiskers on face (sharpie=no no)
-pink? (ill just just use my marker maybe =]) for nose

Band this year is marching in their costumes for the home game. I cant wait to watch that. I heard the clarinet section is dressing up as Pacman hahahah

1:10 with Casey Ep1 - The Casey Dance

2008-10-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

- - - - -

www.youtube.com/takkamichelledoan

Emily was at my house and we were waiting to leave to go to the school Homecoming football game at OCC, when we were playing with my dog Casey (3 year old female chihuahua/pug).

Haha. It's so funny =]

I was able to edit, render, and upload this video in like...a few minutes, so I need to go afk. I will make a update video on Life's MS later today (doesn't know when this video will finally finish uploading)

Anyhow.
Enjoy!

Music:
Hey Ya-OutKast

Why that little....

2008-09-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

INFURIATED!!! AGGRAVATED!!!! AND IF YOU (you know who you are >[ ) ARE READING THIS, I DON'T REALLY CARE. Cause I like expressing myself to the world. Whether the worlds wants to read it or not. MAD, ANGRY, TICKED OFF. I wanna scream and strangle 'em. Yet we all know, I would never actually do it.

"AUGHHHH I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'M SO FREAKING MAD. AND U KNOW WAT??? I'M EXPRESSING AND BROADCASTING IT TO THE WORLD! do i care? NO do i want attention? I'M JUST EXPRESSING MYSELF. and i don't care for what JERKS LIKE U HAVE 2 SAY. immature? yes. do i care?NO" was my Facebook and Yahoo Messenger status.

Some guy I knew and wasn't much close friends with IMs me on Facebook. We have a normal conversation when it later came into academics and he mentioned how "gay" AP Euro was because of their style of teaching, unlike how college would be. And after I mentioned honors, things went way out of hand. He judged how pathetic and immature I was, and the way he gave details, it sounded like he was checking up from time to time on me. (stalker...?) And keeps telling me I just ask for attention. I got....angry though I didn't say anything (obviously to him, he probably would expect me to get angry since he kept judging me with my emotions and status's. Insecure...no new friends. Always band. What accomplishments and benifits will newspaper give or has given me? No new clubs and all that crap...I act young ("Exactly. You act young ALL the time") I DO NOT and yet you say from what I see. I'm way more than what you can see. You just don't want to read the book. Exactly.

I want attention. I demand attention. I show insecurity with my friends. I never ask people out.

So if I want attention, it isn't exactly a bad thing. Everyone needs attention. Otherwise they would be lonely in life. (of course, I could hear a stupid response to counter that). I demand attention? And my status's prove it all. Status, blog, etc. etc. I have free will to express myself however I want and if you think that I'm pathetic for being so immature in such a way with my emotions, go ahead and say all you want. There's more people than just you in this world for me to deal with. Why should you make an impact or matter at all to me? "Listing your friends on your myspace shows u are insecure..." Insecure, my butt. "Are you just using thesauraus for every word you use in Baron Banner? Are you just trying to [sound smart] and call me a loser?" fjdslafjsla;fja

IMMATURE?!?!!? I CAN BE MATURE. I HAVE BEEN MATURE. THIS IS MATURE? NO. DO I CARE NO! IM INFURIATED. I WANT TO STRANGLE "impersonal critics" as you call urself, like you and do I care that I'm broadcasting myself out to the world? Let the whole world know.

I am Michelle Doan. I can express myself however I want, and ALL of it out, whether you like it or not. And if you dont accept it, ignore it and go on with life. I express myself for my own purpose to "let it all out." I am a centerspread layout manager and graphic designer in Baron Banner. Just because I'm in the same clubs, have the same friends, still hang around band, still in Baron Banner, doesn't mean I can improve myself, and make new friends, step it up. You don't believe Baron Banner will be something of this school? Fine, by me. Someday, I'll throw it in your face, whether you'll be like "whatever, I don't care."

I have way more to rant about, but I think I've made my point...

YOU have YOUR opinions; I have mine. Don't try to play hall monitor or patrol officer on me. So don't try to change me. I'm not the one who's trying to grow up too fast. You think I'm pathetic. Do you pity me? You don't know anything and you never will.

"I Can't Remember"

2008-09-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

Me and my selfish self wanted to get out on that marching field so bad as I listened to the band play and march. It gave me a quiver down my spine listening and watching it. And yet as the metronome and my peers marched and played, I began to step in time (in place of course) while standing on the mini-bleachers, pretending I was playing along with my imaginary clarinet. That's when things took a turn and my mind gradually began to stop caring about wanting to be in band for once.

She fell.

I didn't see, but all I heard was "IRONS! SOMEONE HIT THE DECK!" and I saw a mellophone player pointing at the pit. I assumed someone was actually hit (seeing how clueless and stupid I was). But I saw a girl laying on the ground.

Usually, I would try to mind my own business. It's not good to snoop into other people's business when something like that happened, but I saw Mr. Wampler, the director take her over (I guess she was awake then) and take her over by the shed to sit on a chair with a water bottle. That's when I tried not to pay attention anymore until...

"Michelle!" Wampler calls me over. He told me to stay with her and to make sure she's okay and that she doesn't fall over or such just in case, and to talk to her. All I thought was, okay sure. Nothing more than that.

I sat near her and didn't say anything for awhile, until I questioned if she was okay. She responded that she was okay and that her head just hurted. Then I ask if she didn't eat that morning or didn't drink any water (it was extremely hot outside). I don't remember what she said, but I think she said she didn't remember.

"I don't even remember coming out here...Why am I wearing pajamas?!" she exclaimed, confused, holding the waterbottle to her head.

"It's a Tuesday, and it's Tired Tuesday, where you wear pajamas. You guys were practicing in the band room, and then after school around 3, you guys brought your pit ensemble equipment out to the field while the rest of the band was practicing."

"Oh my god...I don't remember sh*t..."

I asked her what her name was. "Sally [last name]" What grade she was in. "......junior. I'm a junior." What school is this. "Fountain Valley." What classes do you have. "......oh my god...I don't remember..." By now, she was already in tears as she leaned down, hands gripping her head. She was embarassed for the other band members to see her.

I tried asking her more questions and calming her down: "Just take deep breathes. Slow down. In. Out. In. Out. Take a drink of water." But she kept breathing fast and crying. I tried asking her some more stuff to try to refreshen her memory to help her feel better. "Do you remember how many siblings you have. She knew. Do you have any pets? She knew. Do you remember who you saw or what you did this morning? She was quiet and started to cry. "I don't remember."

She couldn't remember her whole day and from time to time again she would shout out "Why am I wearing pajamas? I don't even remember coming out here." Just writing about it isn't enough to express how I felt. But I knew...I couldn't do anything...

The more she cried, the worse I felt, though I tried to cheer her up or distract her to help her remember.

A school trainer came and check up on her. Later came the paramedics. I left because I had to go...and walking to the front of the school...the only thought that came to my mind was "I couldn't do anything... 'I can't remember anything.' Useless. Useless."

"You did a good job," the trainer said after I tried to tell her how much she managed to remember after the paramedics came. I didn't make much of it...but I can imagine Sally clearly sitting on the chair crying trying to remember, leaning over on the chair, head in hands.

Sally...Sally...I wonder if she'll remember me when she recovers. Though, I don't think I made much of an impact anyways. So I wouldn't really mind if she didn't remember me.

But it keeps coming back into my mind in a daze, but I don't think myself as useless anymore...I just think of myself as the random person who happened to find out she lost part of her memory and was just there to failing to comfort her.

But still...it's all that comes to mind the most at the moment...

Hot Chilli Peppers

2008-09-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

"Curiousity killed the cat" and my curiousity seemed to set me on fire running around finding some way to put it out.

For dinner, I usually have one small bowl of rice with some meat or veggies or both and possibly, the side dish soup. Today, I just had the bowl of rice and the fish. And after I decided to have a sweet dessert (I don't know how to describe it...asian food haha). Then I got curious what was in the soup. So I took another bowl out (already put my other bowl in the sink) and took a small scoop of soup. It had celery I guess, steamed and tomatoes. It tasted pretty good and on my last slurp/bite...

My brain immediately told me to spit it out and a sting shot all throughout the inside of my mouth, as if it were on fire...My tongue and my cheeks started hurting and I quickly asked for water. I took about five cups of water, which was no use. My brother kept shouting, "KETCHUP!" to me, but I simply ignored him. I was so desperate, I began to tear off a piece of two off the chicken...still no good.

"WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT SOUP!!!??!" I exclaimed in pain.

My mom was laughing to my dad about how I probably bit into the pepper she put into the soup for flavor. She started taking my soup and seeing what was left of my soup and found a fingernail sized green chili pepper that I bit into. I was going crazy...water...WATER...SOMETHING....AHHHHH SO SPICY!!!!

My dad brought out the mango and started cutting out pieces for me to eat and to relieve the sting in my mouth. It calmed down as I started biting and sucking onto the mango slices... After the first piece, my mouth still stung and I asked for another...a few minutes later, I was calm again and the sting my mouth neutralized...

Remind me again...to never taste anything with any hot chilli peppers and to ask my mom what she puts in the soup or food beforehand... My curiousity to see what that soup tasted like led me to run around the kitchen and dining room like crazy...STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!

AHHHHHHH! -runs off the building like that one man did in Lord of the Rings- Hahaha.

Baron Banner Goes Cyber

2008-09-19T21:15:00.001-07:00

Let's just say, I got really bored... (click on picture for a better view)

Missing: My Identity

2008-09-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that one day the wind comes blowing by, snatching away your identity and you end up beingstuck feeling like crap because you dont feel like you're who you think you were anymore...?

I keep asking myself that and that's just how it's felt like since even a little bit before school started. I feel like (again, I must say, but this is the best way for me to describe it) something had died inside me...my happiness? my hope? my sense of...being? I don't know what...but I know deep down inside, I can feel it rotting and it hurts a lot.

I want to say I hate my life, but it's not possible to say so. I have many great friends and I achieved so much that benifited me...it's all there standing before me...the only thing missing is that person who it all belongs to...me? Of course me...but why do I feel like I am doing all these great stuff and living this life...yet...I feel a "dead" inanimous object, like a toy I suppose, that's walking among the living. Weird...

Emotionally unstable

That's how I've been lately...even when I'm at my happiest...just on the inside, deep down...there's a pain which I squeeze at my stomach that brings a sting throughout my body...

A trigger is all I need or a distraction...and I'm out of it into my own little world where anything can happen. Someone shouting, especially towards me, profanity (especially the "F" word or anything towards me, again), someone annoying me or getting me angry...or just...something that makes me depressed...And when it comes to me...I get very depressed or angry easily, even though it doesn't look like it.

I just haven't feel like myself...though I'm not sure what being myself is anymore...

I'm getting mad at myself for being depressed which makes me feel worse because I'm getting more stressed and I can't even help it...and I absolutely sometimes feel myself to be a burden...again I mention it...yes, burden...but I'm not...I know I'm not...maybe I am to others...but you know never...I feel like I am, no matter how many times I hear people tell me I'm not...

I don't know what much to write about...I'm just depressed in general...I feel like my hope is somewhat diminishing...in some part of my mind...Or maybe it's just who I thought and wanted to be and was for awhile...maybe that was diminishing...

I think myself to ask for so much attention sometimes that I feel ashamed of myself...I feel bad for changing myself for others before and now becoming who I am now to be so worried for attention...Do I really want attention? People need attention, I supposed. Otherwise, everyone in this world would be lonely...but I don't know...besides all that...I don't know what to think...All I can say is that...I'm depressed...and something's dying withing me...Whether I'm happy or not, eventually it'll all come back to remind me, the depressions still there...

Rain, Rain, Go Away

2008-09-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

Rain, Rain, go away.

Come again another day…

Or what I’d rather have: not to come back at all.

I seemed to get over this type of situation faster than the others I’ve had…somewhat…

Last night, I had a theory, while talking to my friend Tanh. I think the reason why my head would go blank due to over-stress, was because my mind was covering it up, making me blank out on those feelings. When I tried to be really cheery and laughed a lot talking to my friend Steph, my head just started hurting a lot. But that night was a better night compared to the previous. I didn’t cry my eyes out and slept just fine, because my head was hurting every time I tried thinking or dreaming too hard…which I somehow thanked.

Today, I was still kinda so so in classes, but quiet overall and depressed a bit, but mainly quiet and just calm. And I wanted and had to face that I didn’t at all or wanted to like Kevin at all anymore, which was…alright. I’ve been single before and now as always. I’ll live and, though, I’m quite hopeless in that certain area, I’m still determined to go on with life to improve myself in other areas.

I didn’t stop being quiet depressed until after lunch (lunchtime which I was extremely quiet while watching the other guys). Gradually until Spanish 6th period, I felt myself again. And walking to the band room after school, I didn’t feel like wanted to drag, like I had no motivation to go to my next class on time (not that I was tardy). I just felt like…it went away…though my head still has a minor ache in the brain @_@, but I’ll be fine.

The sun came back to bring away the grey rainy storm in my mind =] And by the end of the day, David, who was worried about me being depressed, was relieved for my recovery.

I still think Kevin is avoiding me though. But I guess I’ll just go up to him and greet him normally, now that I feel myself again.

No crushes

No stress

No depression

No relationship

No hope for love

And honestly, I feel like part of me died, leaving a rotting hole. But right now, I just want to try to ignore that and try to be happy. I hope the sun keeps on shining and another hurricane or natural disaster doesn’t come along to ruin it all, but that’s life. And I have to deal with it and go on again. Unless I’m in my other pessimistic personality when I’m down, I am perfect fine being single right now, because I have my friends =] and I’m still alive and good.

Hopeless

2008-09-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

"I started writing this from English 4th period and during seperate times of the day after that."

- - - - -

4th Period English
It's like all strands of thoughts, or, rather, feelings of any such depression or stress has been pulled out of me, like a loose thread on a piece of clothing. And yet, when there is nothing to bother me or to think about, excluding homework, that thread will be sewed back in to bring back all that pain I've felt inside. I just know it.

I wake up in the morning, eyes puffy from crying myself tired to sleep the previous night. And throughout the day, I feel like I want to go back to my bed for rest. Yet, even sleeping for half an hour after my geometry test, I was shouting at myself and stressing in my mind. But, skipping breakfast and having a rough night, I dozed off, my head tired from thinking too much. Although, still, I did not feel those painful emotions on the inside.

Although I've been holding up a tired cover over my book (I've been doing lots of metaphors lately ._.), in my pages, I was absolutely exhausted and a bit depressed.

- - - - -

5th Period Chem after lunch
Somehow I expected it, yet I tried not to make too much of it a big deal. Though I feel numb on the inside. I'm not completely over-the-head upset though. Part of my mind just wants to shout out and boast: "I told you so..." But I knew I didn't want to hear it. Again I wish I would give up on this and stopp trying to like others as a crush and stay single and keep my mind off of it. Boy, do I fail at that...

My predictions from previous experiences seem to come true w/out denying it. I'm not satisfied with the guess nor am I relieved. Only one world can completely describe this: hopeless.

Yet I'll keep going on with life, eventually getting it over with, and put on my happy mask. On the inside though, I want to cry to let it all out as much I am (writing/typing) it out.

- - - - -

After School
I seem to keep it all in the whole day, though during geometry I let out a tear or two, but I didn't want to break out in class. In Spanish, I felt exhausted laying my head the nest by my arms while doing Spanish classwork. I couldn't focus at times and all I thought was..."Just forget about it and stop dreaming, Michelle..."

Right as the bell for the end of 6th period rang, I rushed out of the room. Why rush to my destination to the band room to great my friends so fast? I don't know. All I knew was I wanted to get there before any of them left. So I quickly go to my locker and walk my way to the band room. But hopelessness and my exhaustion overcame me and I began to feel a bit depressed as I was beginning to finally feel in Spanish (gradually sewing part of the thread back on). I was only on the outside happy for some of the day, but on the way to my friends, I just felt terrible.

Walking to class after Lunchtime
Me: I don't think Kevin likes me (being my hopeless self).
David: He likes someone else.

Somehow I just knew it. And that was when the dissappointment and pain gradually came kicking in. I was depressed when I got there to great my friends, but I didn't break out. Just sad...Until Kevin came walking out of the band room. I immediately tried blocking myself away from his view while facing David, who immediately noticed my depression. Kevin came over to talk to the guys behind me and for some reason, I just felt...even worse... And faced him for a second and walked off behind them where the other guys were talking and there I was...

I broke out crying, trying to hide it to attract so much attention. My other Kevin friend (I'll call him Klink), who I usually walk with to the car where my dad picks me up, was going to say goodbye and came over to comfort me and brought me along to start walking to the car, but I went back to say bye. I don't know why, but it's one of those moments where I felt like I really wanted a specific (or some certain specific) friend's (friends') attention the most. Like before it was just Klink. This time it was David, Gilbert, and Klink.

I gave David a hug and Joe patted me on the head to feel better. Ben and Gilbert greeted me too.

David (while hugging): I'll be on tonight to talk to you after practice, okay?

I find myself to be a crybaby, but walking away, I saw my choir friends Emily and Kaleigh come about. I immediately tried to wipe my tears away and Kaleigh came attacking me with a hug, trying not to make me fall with the lack of my sense of balance. Somehow, trying to make it all go away, and after them coming along, I felt a little bit better now. But feeling it's happened again, just made me feel like I wanted to break out, especially since he was right there.

So I felt a bit myself again as I walked to the car and at Hapkido. And that thread seems to come loose and pull out of me again. And I feel blankminded to this whole situation due to over-stress...All I know what I want to think is...I don't want to have a crush on another guy again at all or for awhile...I'm completely hopeless with this...

"I'll take the risk." Somehow I had so much hope. I guess I let my guard down once again and let it fly away... And once again...the only world to describe this feeling, blank or not...is hopeless.

Nervous ShipWreck

2008-09-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

“I’ve been going up and down with my stability of my emotions lately. The somehow, at the moment, remind me of a magnet, attracting so-called problems to build up in my mind. (It’s hard to type this when I’m so ticked off.”

- - - - -

I’ve grown a big paranoia to like anyone after while with some bad experiences here and there. And I tried to restrain myself from doing to again. And yet, I started liking my friend Tanh…got over him…and, again, I get myself right away into liking someone else. It makes me mad at myself for switching so quickly and that maybe I only liked people because I was so desperate for someone to like me. I had a crush on Kevin N (the guy I almost liked at San Fran at band last year). I extremely didn’t want to get myself into the situation with liking anyone anymore because I didn’t want to make them bother with it or make myself supposedly-suffer all the time when I like someone, because nothing ever goes right and it was all kind of …pointless. But after while, while trying to force myself NOT to like Kevin, one day, I start getting all daydreamy and spacing out, thinking how cute he is (I like his personality too, but I don’t even know since I’ve said that for other boys too =/). The next day, I was kind of depressed, stressing after talking to Tanh about it.

Tanh: “Is it me or do you have a need to like someone?” which was what stuck to me after that long ago conversation and why I find myself to be a very hopelessly desperate person. So that next day, I looked at Kevin and I thought: “Why the heck do I feel so obsessed at the moment towards him, yet don’t feel those feelings of liking him? What is wrong with me?” So that day, I was pretty much distracted and quiet. Though to my friends, I kept telling them I was tired, but they knew I wasn’t being myself, since I’m never so quiet.

I got better and later on, again trying to force myself not to like him. I couldn’t help thinking about him and how much I liked him (I even dreamt about him…). I mean it wasn’t a bad thing, though it wasn’t a good thing either. Of course, I didn’t know… I like him, but I was scared to admit it. What if things were like déjà vu again and all I do is just make things bad for me? But I knew the first thing I had to do: try to stop being depressed and pessimistic.

Trying not to be so pessimistic, I thought to myself: “Is it weird for a girl to ask out a guy?” I thought no, but to distract myself, I started asking my friends that question anyway. “Do you think a girl asking a guy out is weird?” “No, why?” was the continuous replies I received. So I thought…maybe I could possibly ask him out. Though I knew that weekend night…I would be nervous and scared as heck…

So Monday comes by, and I see Kevin in the morning after zero period. I greet him usually, except I couldn’t get myself to say anything, because I was too nervous about it, so I covered it up being my usual self and talked about other topics (How was your weekend? Etc.) After 1st period during passing period, I still couldn’t get myself to say anything, until we split up at the bowl area.

“Do you want to sit with my friends and me during lunch?”

“Sure (Askes where and so on),”

During 2nd period geometry, I sit in the very back corner of the room (my teacher assigned seats; if I had to choose, I would have chosen the 1st row…), where usually, if I sit in the back, there are more distractions; so I daze off in my own little world and space out thinking about how to ask out Kevin…And the more I thought about it, the more of a nervous wreck, I felt like.

It didn’t feel any better during 4th period English while Mr. Penhall was reading out “The Pardoner’s Tale” from our worn-out textbooks. I dazed off once again, not so much as in geometry, but enough to make me nervous that lunch was coming up and I would meet up with Kevin to ask him. Flashbacks came back to me to whenever I often confessed my crush on a boy or the 3 months of a misunderstanding relationship. And again the word “déjà vu” came about my mind. I lost my appetite to eat.

Usually band gets out early for lunch at the end of 4th period, so by the time I was talking to our usual lunch area, my whole bando-choir mix group of friends where there already…and Kevin.

Kevin had to go to the cafeteria for a moment to get some help from his cousins, so he could study for his Japanese quiz next period. So I decided to tag along. On the way there, I couldn’t get myself to ask him. Waiting in the cafeteria for a few minutes, I just stared at all the people in the cafeteria enjoying themselves and Kevin asking his cousins some questions. I wouldn’t budge. And finally on the way back. I got myself to say it, but apparently too quickly that he couldn’t hear me. So, I nervously try again. (Yet, in my pessimistic mind, I find my nervousness another part of a pointless thought.)

“Hey, Kevin. Do you want to go out sometime?”

“Go out where?”

“Errr iunno…” Apparently, I didn’t exactly think this all the way through. “Like go out…go out?” >_< I need to work on this…

“What?”

“Nevermind…” >.> Yet, he was acting so casual. Of course, that’s Kevin for you. It made me a little more relaxed rather than depressed, but going over to my friend David after my other friend named Kevin (I’ll just call him KFC by his nickname) gave me my lunch I asked him to buy for me. I wasn’t hungry…And David starts looking at me as my face showed sign of disappointment or depressed and me moving around nervously as Kevin sat on the other side on him.

I state to him my dilemma and he tries to give me some advice to ask to hang out somewhere like the movies or something. So there I sat trying to think of some places, w/out making it feel so awkward. I was quite new to this…so my mind was racing by faster than I was about to catch up to. It took a few minutes before I went over to Kevin to talk and peeped over to see him do his Japanese. Again, just budging it out again took a few minutes too. He was getting very distracted though, by the guys (for some reason, being extremely hyper that day, shouting, singing, and dancing around…yeah…don’t want to explain).

“Hey, I know I’m bothering you while you’re studying, but…do you want to hang out sometime during the weekend or something?” I try again.

“Sure, where?” I try thinking for a moment again.

“I don’t know. Where do you want to hang out?”

“I don’t care where.”

So I get quiet for a few minutes, thinking of some possible places while he studies and everyone else is going crazy. I thought movies, but then I thought my dad would probably want my brother to come along or him along as well, like last time I went to the movies with my friends. So that was out. Then I thought the park, but I thought how awkward that would be. The next thing I thought was Boomers. A bit much, but…maybe some friends could some along?
“How about Boomers?” I say, though still unsure.
“Boomers sounds cool.” I didn’t know what else to say and I would think of the time later on, so I felt a bit better and went off to go eat my food and watch him study. It didn’t really mean anything, but it made me feel more relieved that I let it out. But later on, David told me Kevin knows I liked him. So it made me uneasily…

What if he didn’t like me back?

I guess as I told myself before while thinking this whole thing through (not completely, but mostly), I’ll take that risk and I guess I can endure the emotional pain again =/ I don’t enjoy it, but what happens happens…

I don’t know what else to write (type?) next, but that I have a major official crush on him right now…though at the same time, my paranoia is coming to me, making me a nervous wreck and all the additional to the package of stressed out crushing…I just hope things don’t repeat itself all over again…

- - - - -

“Music is the best medicine in the world to sooth my mind in times like this.”

Tornados and Volcanos

2008-09-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

“I don’t know why I write the most when I’m just not happy…but it just helps letting it out I suppose.”

- - - - -

In my mind, I just feel like throwing my belongings in my room all over the place, as a tornado would, kick my furniture, like lightning, and scream like there was no one around that I cared to hear the deathly screech, like thunder. I feel like an active volcano, building up its magma, almost ready to erupt and explode my lava all over the place. Beware, citizens. Mount Michelle is very unstable with her emotions right now…

It’s been the way almost in my house with my dad with the rules of getting in trouble. And I even remember when my cousin interviewed him years ago for her school project. One of her questions was about his discipline towards us. No matter who caused the problem…the other sibling got in trouble to for not doing anything about it before it happened. And as years pass, my sensitivity to my emotions began to increase, every time I got in trouble with my dad and, even worse, as I started getting really into the whole “crush” thing in 8th grade and on, but that’s a different story.

On Sunday, my cousins, Emerald (who is a year younger than my brother in 7th grade) and Bianca (who is a year older than me), came over for dinner with my grandparents. Emerald wanted to play on my electronic keyboard and turned it on and started to play some tunes. Then my dim-witted brother (he’s been such a jerk lately, especially the more he’s gone to middle school ._.), Alex, comes in and starts turning off the keyboard. Emerald turns it back on. He turns it back off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Emerald was trying to play some notes and press some buttons on the piano. Alex, stupidly, was turning it back off. What am I doing? I’m sitting at the computer, talking on the phone. Emerald and Alex argue so much when they see each other, I’m quite used to it by now…though, that’s where the bad part happened when I let my guard down.

“ALEX! You broke the piano!”

Me: “WHAT!??!??”

All the keys and buttons on the electronic piano were messed up. I couldn’t change tones, record tunes anymore to play duets with myself or anything…Everything was messed up ._. And some notes played louder than others or had a different tone. Alex keeps going, “I didn’t do it!” And I get angry at both Emerald and Alex, especially Alex, for breaking the piano and that Alex shouldn’t have turned off the piano while Emerald was playing. Here’s where the extremely overboard part came up that came along with the “Hi! I’m a jerk!” package after Alex came to middle school.

Alex started putting his hands around my throats and attempts to choke me. “I DIDN’T DO IT!” he shouts, in a ticked off tone. And leaves the room.

Sheesh…I mean….SERIOUSLY…I stopped being violent to him (excluding martial arts class), and I tried making it habit to rather attack him in love or something and the only time I actually argue with him is when it’s somewhat like a debate. But sometimes he just asks too many questions; so my dad and I stop answering him. But, besides that point, sometimes I wish I could strangle him sometimes too or such, but I never would actually do it.

Later on, my cousins like to tease him about an imaginary person named “Samantha” whom he supposedly has a crush on. So Emerald goes to Alex’s room to look at his elementary class pictures to see if there actually ever was a “Samantha” in any of his classes. Alex gets ticked off, throws her on the bed, and starts choking her. And Emerald comes back to my room, crying.

I get ticked off and complain to my parents. Dad calls him out for a talk. Alex comes back like his annoying self again like he always does, and opens and closes my room’s door repeating: “I didn’t do it,” as a little kid would do. I later on just lock my door and just hang around my room with Emerald. Though…I was somewhat disappointed and sad for my loss of not being able to have fun on my piano anymore =[ (at least, I still have the real one outside, but still…).

Today, I tell my dad how Alex and Emerald were fighting and broke my piano. What are the consequences? “Alex, you’re grounded. Michelle, you too.”

ME!???!?!?! WHAT THE HECK!?!? WHY ME?!!?!? (Of course, since I have to be respectful to my elders and “oriental” as my dad says, I just went, “Wait, why me?”)

“It’s your belonging; you’re responsible for it. You should have stopped them before it happened.”

Reasonable…but, even so, I was still extremely ticked off at Alex and the fact I got in trouble to it as well…It’s like whatever my brother does to get in trouble, I somehow almost always get in trouble with him when I’m with him. And this is the part sometimes where I wish I could strangle my brother.

So…Instead of being a tornado, throwing my belongings around, screaming my throat out in my room, and kicking furniture or such…I’m throwing my homework aside to write this whole rant before I actually start breaking out of the shell all crazy. (Though, academically, that might not be the best idea…)

So lately, I’ve just been a sensitive volcano ready to erupt and explode, whether I’m angrily, depressed, or a nervous wreck. (I’ve been having “crush” problems again. I’ll write about that in a separate blog). So wish the citizens of the town nearby and hope I don’t come pouring my lava on them ._.

Step It Up

2008-08-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

I never noticed how these LA Convention Center Pictures with Sabrina, Claudia, Victoria, and me where we were standing on weird stone sculptures were quite similar to our new goal to meet this year "stepping it up" in a way. I didn't even realize how much it matched until after I made these pictures. I made new pictures in substitute for last year's sideline picture I edited for my blogspot. This year, my little lines on the pictures, instead of "Surf's Up" for riding on the turtle with Nuran, Victoria, and me, its "Step It Up." I got bored, so I even edited the white picture as well. Click on the pictures for a closer view on my DeviantArt.

Natural Smiles and Frowns

2008-08-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

"Recently, a few days ago, a girl at my Hapkido class, told me: "You know, I see you smile a lot. Is that like a natural smile or do you just...do it?" After I thought about it, I guess it was natural, and while answering, I was trying to restrain myself from smiling so, but I couldn't help it. I never noticed how I smiled so much and how someone else noticed it...I'm pretty sure other people noticed it too in other places...but I never really thought about it...still there was something else inside that contradicted that natural smile..."

- - - - -

I feel like I'm getting supposedly carsick once again, like on my Lake Tahoe trip. UP and DOWN and left and right...Turns and bumps...

Well...at the moment, that's how my moods have been a lot lately...but overall, on the inside, I just feel darn depressed, no matter how much I smile and have fun during the day...At the end of the day, I just feel kinda...terrible...

Different traffic signs and turns and bumps after another on the road...And me, being at a very sensitive state in emotions at the moment, I just get kind of...well, obviously, moody.

I can't think right now and I wish I could think of more to write like I usually do, but it's probably the intense homework and studying time I pushed myself to do this year compared to last year to "improve myself academically." It kind of hurts my head though. Academics crashing into my mind filled with mixed emotions...not the greatest thing in the world.

I seemed to enjoy my freshman year so much last year...so far for this...2nd day of school, I've never felt school to be so...depressing before...Maybe it's just me, but it just feels that way and only to me. I mean, getting distracted, I have fun sometimes, but not until lunch. 1st period is pretty entertaining with Mr. Fitspatrick in AP Euro which wakes me up for the day for a lil laugh and smile. Geometry, I feel like a loner. Me, choosing to keep to myself, sitting in the back.

My close friend David asked me to try to befriend his girlfriend who sat next to me, but I've been trying not to talk to her, even though she could be that one person who I could befriend. But...we didn't really have very good experiences with each other in middle school and I told myself I wouldn't talk to her and just focus on the academics and the talking freshman (95% of the class is freshmen ._.). I'll try I guess and say Hi tomorrow.

P.E. It's the almost usual peeps, except for some old friends, which is pretty kewl. Time to distract myself, but I don't feel the best until lunch time when I'm with my close close friends.

Iunno, like the rest of the day is alright...but I guess, the first thing's first...

No matter how much I "naturally smile" and have fun, in the end or in between when it's over or something I don't know...I just...don't feel all that great...

When I'm depressed, I cry easily, worry, frustrate, get angry, etc. etc. Unless, I distract myself...

My first goal of the year: Try not to be depressed.

Yeah...that's all I need for now...Oh...and another.

Don't be late to 0 period...no matter how long my mom takes to get ready to leave the house to drive me and how slow she drives on the street whenever and ONLY when she drives me to school ._.

First Impressions

2008-08-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

"Technically, was supposed to be on the first day of school. But, internet was being weird."

- - - - -

Some people say first impressions matter. Well...sometimes, but not in all cases. As for me...I just wasn't having the best of my days...and even before school even started.

Let's start with something simple first. How are you feeling today, Michelle? Somehow this reminds me of my good friend Charles from band. Whenever I asked him this very question everyday last year, his response would be: "horrible D;"

Me: "Ah, comon, Charles. Look on the bright side. Stop being so pessimistic."
Him: "Fine...It was great! -failing at trying to be optimistic attitude- No...I can't lie, Michelle... haha"

Well, for me...I have to say honestly...and I don't mean kind of in a jokingly way...I feel...depressed, angry, upset...just plain in the almost emo stage. Though, it doesn't seem like it, my moods tend to go up and down. But lately for the last few days, that's how it's been: crying, feeling depressed, getting angry, and all that jazz. And even a few suicidal thoughts.

Today after 0 period, it was hard to find some of the friends that I really wanted to see. Emily was gone and no one was at this one spot where we usually meet. Probably because most of them were in 0 period choir, but I found Ben...obviously, he hangs around the bandos, like always from last year. I found Klink from the art peeps...Nathan from just...wondering around. So that made me feel kinda disappointed for the morning...(lately...I've been a bit sensitive to my emotions due to the depression). OH and I SAW KRISTINE while being late to 0 period :3 But I never saw her again after T.T

In AP Euro 1st period, I thought Mr. Fitzpatrick would be a fun teacher to be with. I realized most of my class composed of well...the extremely smart people (asians). It made me feel weird. I haven't been with them since 8th grade and I wanted to seperate from that. All the other bandos in AP Euro were in a diff period :[ Well, at least I knew Lily and TiffChau. They were in orchestra. Westlina from PitEnsemble. And other azn people I obviously knew from GATE class. And others...so it made me feel weird how I'll do in this class compared to the rest.

In Geometry, as usual, I let out a yawn at least once...it's math...I get bored even when I'm focusing on them...there's just no way to make math fun ._. But then he opened a Youtube video on Geometry rap...scary...

P.E. Brodi grew taller than me. Go figure (The kid who used to be the shortest kid in class...) Nick's in my class again. At least Klink, Chris, and Krystal are in my class. I mean I don't mind Brodi and Nick, but they can be a handful at times.

4th Period English (I could have had band :[...) I step into Mr. Penhall's class and what is the first time I did when I stepped in.......I stopped and went....whoa.....Why do I feel like I'm in APEuro again....Why? Every single person in that class was in 1st period APEuro...that's why...I was freaking out again, but I mellowed out a bit more...I guess this explains why lots of people from APEuro had Penhall with me ._. And why everyone else had diff APEuro and Eng from me. So yeah...don't need to explain dejavu again so...

5th period Olsberg. CONNOR AND ANDREW! THE ONLY bandos from 4th period band in ANY of my classes. I really wish David or something was in my classes tho =[ Or Emily or Kaleigh or ANYONE closer than those two. I mean those two are my bando friends too, but yeah..you know what I mean...

6th period Spanish. seems like the usual. blah blah blah

I just really wished more of my choir/band friends were in my classes though...I have friends in my classes, I just really want at least one or two of my closer friends =[ O wellz...

But after school...I was telling my dad about the APEuro/Eng thing where everyones in the same class...and he went off about academics, majors, colleges, AP college credits...I just stayed quiet and got mad how he completely ignored everything I said except for the AP part....I was gonna break out in tears, but being...angry for no reason...I was holding it in and it stayed in...

My bro ticking me off...that's usual, but him being such a jerk STUPID IDIOTIC jerk lately...I just get so mad at him for everything he does and tell him to go away. Even my mom's having a thing aagainst him. I think it's those rated MATURE games...that's why they're MATURE! >[

Iunno...I just get so emotional and, yet, I give other people advice and "inspirational" speeches to help them...yet I keep bagging on myself ._.

I haven't been posting on these other problems lately, because I didn't want a lot of people to know about it because well I dunno...just a moment where I felt, I was kind of annoying talking about all my problems "all the time."

Well, my head hurts from too much Spanish translatoins for questions for 1st day hw so...I'm hitting the haystack. Cyas

- - - - -

Forgive me for this not so great blog compared to my others ._.

Can't Go to Sleep

2008-07-28T02:46:00.000-07:00

"My friend Alice a long time ago told me that when you wake up, you could write down everything you could remember from a dream or a nightmare like a dream journal before you forget it."

- - - - -

After a good day's work of working on the new Life's MapleSyrup website, finishing it's foundation, I thought I could sleep "early" for once today...or rather...take a break. I told everyone I left to sleep at 11...but I was still awake reading Fruits Basket until around 12ish then I decided I wanted to hit the haystack for real...

I turned off my computer and I go to my bed...deciding not to sleep on my bed and just go outside and probably sleep secretly with my dog Casey in the house on the couch or something...So I slept with Casey for a bit out in the family room on the LazyBoy recliner chair...But my eyes were open...

Is it possible to sleep with your eyes open? But I was "day dreaming" at the same time...Another deja vu dream...where it bothers me enough that it makes me want to cry because it feels real...death...

Parents dying and...me being at school...covering it all up in front of my friends with my happiness...Somehow...just thinking about it...made me feel frustrated...everything felt frustrated...even if it wasn't real, thoughts ran through my head...am I just wanting attention? Why don't I tell them what happened? They probably don't notice a thing through my happy-go-lucky mask...Do they?...AGHHH...I'm asking for attention...am I really this selfish...is this selfishness or is it just me?

Dreaming me taking care of my bro while they're gone...me crying over their death...

But the thing that felt like a familiar chill everytime I go to a band tourney or rather a concert or anywhere where the band parents were there to support their kids...there was me, staring at a bunch of parents and siblings congradulating and supporting their child at a football game? a band tourney? Settings are strange in dreams...but...I couldn't keep my eyes off of them...and that chill went down me again. "Stop staring at them...look away..." I kept telling myself...I wanted it... "Stop looking..." I wanted it... "Look away" Why did you have to go?

I looked away... Was I only finding a way out of the pain...escaping the truth...being happy? looking away...but after, I just led my brother back into the bleacher stands and putting back on my happy mask when confronting my friends.

I remember later on...I get all dazed out...thinking to myeslf depressed...then they question me what's wrong and I burst out "I'm hungry! I want ice cream! Who wants ice cream? Anyone? No one? Someone come with me. I want ice cream!" in a ...happyish state...it bugged them...and I could imagine their faces, David, Kevin, and Gilbert's faces...only theirs...why only their's? Worried... And Nathan just being his "stupid" self...

I didn't feel hungry...and buying the ice cream, sometimes I'd just stare at it in depression then snap back into happy mode before the person who was with me saw or said anything.

I remember dropping the ice cream... punching...the wall? the gate? (settings...blurry), but it was definately the area where we always hung out at school...and me finally cracking out of my shell...finally? "I...w-was....wondering if...if...y-you guys...w-...wanted to go...to...my...p-...par-....parent's funeral with me." The last part too fast and mumbled to be heard.

One of them: "What did you say?"

I quickly put the mask back on.

"Nothin! I was just thinking to myself!" And something else all happy and innocent like...But again they questioned...and yadidah...

But I could remember me holding in tears from remembering past memories...not too great memories of my dad..."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL YOU KNOW" going to band practice... "STUPID..." .... "STUPID" ....i'm not stupid...............I'm not...."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL" just another temper tantrum........ "I'm very disappointed in you." "You need to be like other girls" "STUPID!!" STOP IT!

I woke up...Casey sleeping peacefully in my lap...me trying to close my eyes...but the whole time...my eyes were open...

I want to eat something...

I rummaged the refridgerator...nothing...cabinet...I grabbed the box of crackers and started eating them and heading back to my room after I let Casey back outside...I didn't eat them because they tasted good...it reminds me back into 1st semester health from Mr. Birinyi. I only ate them because it made feel better and satisfied... But...I wasn't hungry...

I couldn't sleep...So I just pulled a blanket over my head and climbed back onto the computer again...

Sometimes...I feel better...a bit writing it all out...even though I feel dead-like still in the end...at the same time...I wish I didn't because everyone would read it and start trying to comfort me or go "awwww D; hope you feel better" or something like that...

plz dont... I feel like saying that...agian i feel like I'm only wanting more attention...I wanted someone to read this...but at the same time...I want to just run off and keep to myself and when I'm ready to go back to reality...I'm put back on my mask...

"I'm pathetic...absolutely retarded and stupid..." I remember myself saying that after putting the happy mask on after trying to ask my friends to attend the funeral with me...And again I say it...Confused again...I can't escape it...and it's backfired for the millionth time in a dream...no...a nightmare I wish I would stop dreaming about every so often lately...or weird dreams that would never come true, but bug me like heck.

What do I want??!?!

...

I want to go to sleep.

No Such Thing as A "UnITverse"

2008-07-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

"Forgive me if this is a bit wierd and confusing. I only wrote this to release some thought 'stress.' Not really stress, but just to write about something I was thinking about for a bit. I do not wish to hear any comments specific to who HIM, HER, or IT are. I wish to keep this anonymous."

- - - - -

It makes me sick...absolutely sick, not ill-sick...disgusted-sick...angry-sick, but I don't want to be the one to take the action to violence anymore when things like this happen. I want to help. To rid of IT that hurt the society to gain IT's feeling of superiority. To put HIM or HER down to create them to be who they are today and in a state of weakness. Sometimes I wished IT were gone...sometimes I wanted to kill that IT, but it wasn't worth it in the end, to get in as much trouble as IT would be in as well. But then again...it'd be worth it to help HER...to help HIM.

Sometimes I wish that I had a more matured and true-caring heart one or two years ago that I had and have now. But I can't seem to change that since I cannot force a flower to bloom before winter melts into spring. I had a childish heart back then, but if I had known HIM...if I knew...if I had the guts...if, if, if, if...It's already happened, so why ask myself if? But I know now...if I had a chance to do it, I'd help HIM. Quiet and shy...kept to themselves...why does IT love to pick on the weak and innocent? Because they cannot fight back? Because of IT, HE has become the bitter self HE is today. No friends. Great everything, but no one notices...Ever since IT.

I didn't believe that all this bullying actually existed in my innocent childish life...until the day I was in the same class as HER...IT came near HER...and I saw fear and nervousness in HER eyes and, just in her unsteadiness, IT was dangerous...dangerous to HER, at least. And I pulled HER, giving IT a glare to stay away. But that only made IT want to bug HER more...to tease HER...to bully HER in any mental way...some never learn and I'm amazed some wish to ignore these same problems that have been occuring in different situations all throughout history...

Just like HIM, SHE was quiet and shy and has become pessimistic at times. But on the inside at times, SHE can be optimistic, great to be around when she's happy, and a good friend. IT, although, is the reason why SHE gets scared and insecure...Sometimes, I wish to strangle IT...but I do not wish to lead to my violent ways anymore for the answer.

Nobody likes HIM...Most people at least...HE's bitter and cold and sometimes some think HE has a messed up mind...but I believe HE can be really good at heart...if HE was given a chance. IT picked on HIM just as much as on HER, but probably more, and, perhaps, the results of all the suffering vary.

But, I wish to help HER...to make HER strong...to gain self-confidence...to stand up to IT and be everything SHE can be without IT getting in the way.

I wish to be HIS friend, so his ice cold heart can bloom as well, so others will see that HE is an amazing person...to see that SHE can be strong. The true weaker one from start to the end will always be IT, no matter how much IT tries to put HIM, put HER, put anyone down, for their own selfish needs and feelings for superiority. We are all human, yet it makes me sick, IT wishes to feel more superior than one another when in general, we are all the same, whether we're missing an arm, a leg, half of a body, an ability to read like some others, and even if we are missing confidence to stand up for oneself. We're human; we have a soul; we are alive. IT is what causes the scars. WE can be the one to heal them...for HER...for HIM...

This school year, my goals are to help HIM and HER become strong, not in the negative way that IT has led to, but in a way, it will benifit THEMSELVES and US. Bring IT down, not with violence, but with strength and confidence, happiness and life to let him know, there is no such thing as a "unITverse," only a "universe," equality for "uno"...one. One for all.

This is my project and my goal for HIM and HER.

The Definition of Our Generations

2008-07-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

Today, I came to the Adobe InDesign Workshop Productivity Tour in the LA Convention Center with some of the Baron Banner crew: Victoria, Sabrina, and Claudia. I thought things would just be just a teach and learn about InDesign more thing...And it somewhat was...but, boy, did I get more than I came for. And the thing that came to my mind the most, was how strange the humor of all the adults were in the room, finding humor in a whole bunch of things, I would have never gotten as funny or laughed at.

We were the youngest of all the attendees of the workshop and after awhile from the moment we entered the room, we got used to that and I'm pretty sure, the adults around us we're trying to get used to it too. But everytime the instructor made a joke, or did something "funny"...or perhaps some adults made a funny remark, they all laughed...of course they did, didn't they? I mean they're adults. But something about it, somewhat, freaked me out.

I then began to get into some deep thinking about while listening on to the InDesign seminar. It's amazing how different human being change within the years: styles, attitude, fashion, technology, knowledge, etc. But it happens through each generation that passes by. What our parent generation's sense of humor, for example in my point of view, they could find things completely funny that teens or kids of our generation would be all like...I don't get it...how do you find this funny? And sometimes through the seminar, I would just shake my head, smiling to myself, at the adults laughing. "Oh my gosh..." I would say to myself. It would be vice versa from the children to the adults as well. But there are still similarity in humor as well in some areas of those generations. America's Funniest Videos. Most of those videos, who wouldn't laugh? Some videos, although, some would be like... that's not funny...while the rest of their peers are cracking up like crazy.

Humor changes then around between generation and generation and, I bet, if I knew how to speak completely fluent Vietnamese and I tried making a joke with my greatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreat (you get it) grandfather or grandmother. They probably would have never gotten it...UNLESS without even knowing it, our sense of style that varies between each generation goes in a various cycle.

Everyone in each generation has their own sense of definition in life or how they make up their generation. It's very peculiar and very interesting...I can't believe I actually would come to think of that...but now that I think about it, isn't it true?

It reminds me of genetics--how you get half of your mom's chromosomes and half of your dad's, but how I see it, part of the similarities of interest from the previous generation and a mix of your own interest you find yourself that makes the generation unique than the other.

Next time I go to something with almost all adults, I'll just sit, listen, and think about how different our generation has merged off of their branch.

I Measured My Ear

2008-07-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

That's right...I can't believe it...but I measured my ear...

I never thought someone would actually ask me this kind of question before, but I was willing to answer just to be the nice self as I was.

This is a response comment to my previous blog post from January 2008: My Small Ears:

"rhoda said...

hi michelle, how old are you? and how small are they exactlly? because i have a 3-month old baby whose ears are so small and i'm worried that something's wrong with her."

Well, Rhoda, I'm fifteen >.> Don't worry, I don't have an ear infection or anything. And...(yes, I measured them ._. lol) they are 2 inches long? O_O Man, now I feel awkward :D

I'm going to admit to the world. I have small ears; how should I know? My parents, brother, and friends tease me about it sometimes...

...and I measured it myself :]

Special News!

2008-07-08T03:39:00.000-07:00

Part 1

Kids in America MMV
[link]
Posted May 18, 2008

I won 3rd place (SonyVegas/Adobe/Ulead editing) in Wishinuponastarr's Special News Contest! I'm so happy! I never thought I would win a contest for MS videos. I thought mine was too not oober crazy editing like the other guys, but I got a 10 for creativity, 8 for song used, 9 for editing and 27 total as a score (out of 30). I'm so happy. I don't know what my prize is yet, but it doesn't matter. I'm so happy :3 Now my videos will be recognized a bit more when peopple watch my 3rd place entry.

Part 2

I got my blue belt today in Hapkido! I feel really happy about this too, because next test, I get to break boards. Except since I'm 14+, I have to break thicker boards than my brother Alex. I also get to learn skyfall. I can't wait. My bro and I also started going every weekday to Hapkido and I absolutely love martial arts now :] We go to take down and sparring on Tues/Thurs. And last Thursday, I beat Alex twice in sparring. haha, Wimp :3

Upcoming Stuff

I have a Adobe workshop with my Baron Banner FVHS newspaper staff at the LA Convention Center and I'm going to wear my new brown hat with ears I got at AnimeExpo at the LAConventionCenter just last Saturday. I love my new hat :3 I can't wait to see the BB gang agian. At least, some of them hehe.

I'm going on vacation to Lake Tahoe from July 14-18. I haven't gone on vacation with my family in a long time. We usually go every summer, but last summer, because of band, I couldn't (money). Because of gas prices, we will be driving up and staying in the cabin instead of taking the trailer. My first time being in a cabin. It'll be kewl =] MORE SWIMMING!

My 15th Birthday is coming up on July15. Hehe 15 on the 15th. I already sent out details about that to the BDay Invites to my buddies :] I'll be celebrating it with my buds after I get back from vacation on the 19th.

My annual piano testing is coming up (or as my teachers call it "auditions"). This year, I'm on level PA...I don't know what that stands for but I know last time I was in ID which was Intermediate D; so I must be in the advanced program. Now that it's summer, I got to focus on my piano playing more and, sadly, because of my procastinatin for not practicing a lot during the year, I have four songs to memorize anad test for rather than 5 or 7. So I'm in the ....district level? Iunno. The least I ever had was 5, which is district, and 3 is Local. 7=National; 10=International. Wish me luck in later July/early August.

- - - - -

Still really happy about the contest and my belt and I can't wait for upcoming stuff. Summer otherwise at the moment despite all the excitement is extremely boring at home. I'm not allowed to go outside when my parents are at work D: Well...excluding the backyard :] Hope you are all having a better summer than I am. BYE!~~

-Much love, Michelle Doan

Ahhh...Summer Relaxation...or Too Much Relaxation?

2008-07-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

Summer...Most people can't wait for it when school comes and sometimes myself, I do wish it were summer with all the loads of schoolwork. But...is it really better? Conversations online could go from GREAT...FUN! Absolutely hyper at times or deep. Then later on the neutrality of summer starts to dim down even more from all the climaxes...to boring.

Sometimes even through all the fun, especially when you're not with your friends and such...summer relaxation can become a little bit too good too be true and it ends up to a point where you're doing absolutely nothing.

Maybe you could get yourself to feel a little less "summer-relaxed" if it's too much to bare. Join an activity you could do during school that has summer practice or meetings at school (i.e. clubs, extra cirricular). Or maybe, try to feel less lonely and into that mood where you are totally used to being home doing nothing, seeing none of your companions and everything's...dull. Dull is not fun. Dull is the complete opposite of fun and if you think dull is fun. You're absolutely crazy. But I do agree with my previous editor-in-chief Titus with one of his comments he made on my long time ago blog posts: I'd take stress anyday over a day that was the same over and over again, especially a very dull day of watching TV, going on the computer/Internet, and eating and sleeping.

So, I extremely advise you and, yet try to force myself, to cherish all the out-of-the-boredom moments of summer and spend equal time with your friends and family and maybe even create some events. Be warned that overload of summer relaxation will hit you when you least know it.

Learn Something New Everyday. First Step: Try

2008-07-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

When you learn something new, you obviously have to try it to actually learn more about it and get used to it…trying asin observing, exploring, experimenting…it’s kind of like a science project. In the end, you have a conclusion and a better idea of your new learning.

Well, I haven’t really gotten myself to try WordPress lately. I’ve only posted one post and I have no excuse anymore to say that I can’t think of anything to type about. I’ve just been distracted and dazing off in this summer neutrality (English is such a strange language, I’m not even sure if “neutrality” is a real word. Could be. I’ll make it a real word!…in my world). So, what’s my point I’m tryiing to give here? I’m quite clueless again with this new blog host. It took me a couple minutes to figure out I was logged on. It even makes me curious: “Can we even change our passwords to something we can remember, rather copy and pasting the randomized letters and numbers off my email?” How do I post a blog again? And more clueless adventure to come. But at the moment, I’m still at the beginning of my billion-feet long sub-sandwich.

I’ve been trying to tell myself that I’ll do this and I’ll do that. But will I actually do it? I just have to try…

Apologies - Stuck in Art

2008-07-02T02:00:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for not blogging on this blogger or Wordpress lately. I've been busy being distracted looking at art school information and exploring deviantART a lot lately. Well, I entered a contest to design a poster for AnimeExpo and I didn't win, of course, but this is my entry:

I've also made and designed my first web interface. I made it for my club DesignPot on deviantARt. This is what the interface looks like:

I'm getting really tired, but I've done a lot of art stuff on my deviantART, along with something to style up my journal/blog on DA. Please check it out and comment back!

www.michixchan93.deviantart.com

Busy Summer Bee

2008-06-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

Summer's been a bit of a time-wasting bore. I can't believe that it's almost close to July already.

But this summer's about to give me a chunk of busy stuff to do soon...then most likely return to complete boredom.

Today, I have my Hapkido Martial Arts test today to test for my blue belt. I can't wait at the same time, I can wait for the boredom I'll have there sitting for an hour or two as everyone else tests before me. White, yellow, orange, purple. GREEN. YAY! blue...brown...oooo....RED going black. WOW! And it's over. Haha. The test reminds me of how my summer will be--neutral... then a CLIMAX...then neutral...then...I nice climax end as well :] (I wonder what will be the climax to my summer after my summer busy chunk.

On Friday, I'm going to see Wall-E with a couple of my friends, I can't wait, though, I hope the lines aren't too big and the tickets aren't sold out. A couple of my friends going will also pay me some money for some Life's MapleSyrup shirts I've designed and will make for the cast members and some friends/fans who were willing to buy some. (Design: http://michixchan93.deviantart.com/art/Life-s-MapleSyrup-Shirt-Tifa-89373989).

I got my parents to have another party for the family on the 4th of July and that night, my cousin William is going to sleep over and come with me and three other friends to AnimeExpo at the LA Convention Center. I can't wait for that.

Then later, I have to go to the LA Convention Center again for a Baron Banner thing with Victoria, Sabrina, Claudia, Titus, and I think Photo Club, but I'm not sure. (I'd give details, but until I read that email again, I'll explain later after I go.)

Then I have my birthday party! I'm going to celebrate it with my friends at the park near my house three days before my birthday because I'll be on vacation to Lake Tahoe for a week from July 14-20.

After that? Nothing planned so far after that...So yeah, a bit busy for a bit later...starting today :] Wish me luck at the belt test!

Structured

2008-06-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

Posted on Baron Banner Blogs

http://baronbanner.com/blogs/?p=22

- - - - -

Michelle has been caught in the scene of the crime and pronounced guilty!

You guys probably have something like this if you read one of my recent blog posts on the other Baron Banner Blogs on Blogger.

For awhile, I have been delaying and stalling time to post in these blogs and it makes me think, “I can’t really write anything as good as everyone else in those blogs.” But then again, writing can have rules and you can bend them in anyway you want to interpret your message.
I couldn’t think of a single great thing to write about, but there are a million ways and great things to write about in any event, and a blog post is just waiting there to be written on. For a public blog, I suppose I can write all I want and be honest and confident about it, just as much as my regular blogs, but more “structured,” I suppose.

The way I see it, most of our blog posts from the blogger were mostly personal and like a diary or journal, a personal one in which anyone can write freely, whether caring for grammar or mistakes or not. I see now as, also, a blueprint or a brainstorm map…And usually as most people start off in certain writing (let’s take essays, for example), a rough draft.

“Structured.” I don’t completely understand how to exactly structure my writing in the blogs and I’m still trying to figure out how to put some…well strenghth into my article writings like my blogs, without turning it into something like an editorial or something with cheerleading into it. I’m kind of drifting away from the point so… (I guess that part was un-structured to the post).

Most of the best writings I have ever written was sometime I could relate to or something that I extremely thought into in my mind with brainstorm. So if we just chose to write an article, just because we had a passion for it, it would turn out to be a better article (with the basic needs of an article, of course). But if we were picked or chose to write an article that was news we didn’t exactly particularly liked, but chose because we needed an article to write, there is a bit of slack and less strength in that writing. If there was something interesting that could catch our attention in each article, a bit of something that makes us know that the article or the post was something we could relate to or want to read…something like a hook of a story and another hook within the story… Something that authors and writers perfect in, that makes us urge to read more. I feel like that is because a part of the author’s passion into writing and trying to interest in in anyway with steps. (Structured?)

I’m not sure where I was going with this blog, but -ding- I guess I found something to write about; though, I have to try to be more confident with my writing with this post. I also suppose, I was trying to understand myself, about the word “structured.” So far, in most of these posts, I felt a bit of passion and a bit of interest into the blogs from the authors. I hope mine have done the same. Sorry, if I don’t make a bit sense at all.

It's Not...The End...of the World...

2008-06-26T01:37:00.000-07:00

Must...vent out frustration...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH T.T I GOT MY FIRST C ON A REPORT CARD....Wait...HOLY CRAP NOOO I GOT A C. WHY!?!?!?!?....well i know why >_<>well at least i got productive attitude comments and a o in citizenship in eng despite my B

i dont care about any of the other grades....i knew they were gonna be ther same...but.....C!!!?! i forgot to turn my packet last day of schoool....why was my bio final last day of school T_T AND MY GRADE LOWERS FROM A SAFE 83% to....A C T_T wahhhhh and i worked so hard to raise it too and try to.........why me......i was gonna be worrired about that grade after school was over and i could nvr turn in th epacket after and now i feel terrible T_T absolutely terrible

now all i want to do is worry about that C and when my dad opens the report card T.T......he's gonna lecture me again about grades and college which is gonna get annoying and .....MY FIRST C T_T and question me y i didnt get a b like i said....IF I TURNED IN MY PACKET STUPID ME FOR NOT REMMEBERED TO BRING MY PACKET ON THE BIO FINAL RAWR T_T........im gonna bag on myself for awhile....

4 a's, 2 b's, 1 c.... T_T one....c..........

Guilty!

2008-06-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

Michelle Doan is declared guilty! You are sentenced to a lifetime in jail!

Nah, I'm just playing around. I just feel somewhat bad. Why? Well...I haven't really gotten myself to post on the new Baron Banner blogs lately. I kind of feel like my blog is just gonna be another un"structured" post like here...or maybe personal. I don't know. I've questioned myself and other things sometimes, but reading some of the posts on the blog, it just seems so intensely thought into and it makes me feel bad that I can't really write as...well...I don't know how to say it--deeply? as the other guys. I've read some of the poetry and writing from the old and new blogs and it makes me unsure. I'll get myself to write something eventually ._. I'll just write in these blogs until I can think of something good? to write about.

Thanks

2008-06-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'm really going to miss some of the seniors I've befriended this year in marching band and the Baron Banner. I still didn't get John's signature lol :D and I never got to sign Nuran's, but oh wells. There are memories to remember for at least. If anyone doesn't mind, I'm going to post the Baron Banner slideshow with ratings disabled on my Youtube.

I've made many great friends this year and I'm very grateful for all of them and my supporters. Some people whom I really want to think for helping me through all my tough times with their advice here and there were Titus, Victoria, Zack, and my other friends Kevin (Klink) and David (C). You (They) really helped me out a lot through my crazy times expressing all my feelings I could have kept in a regular journal. Though, I even know myself, I would have never continued my journal anyways because in my last one in 8th grade. I kept questioning myself and keeping it all in without anyone reading it and helping me and...as anyone would expect, I went nuts and was in the stage of becoming emo...But this year, despite through all my bad times, I feel better than ever with my great friends, family (though, I'm still trying to deal with my dad and etc.), supporters, and more.

This would be better than any rant blog, but I supposed this is my blog of thanks :D

Thank you.

The Ultimate Rant?

2008-06-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm Michelle Doan and I guess this is supposed to be "The Ultimate Rant."

I can't believe it's summer already and, at the same time, it feels like I should be going to school...especially this year, which has been caught up in so many things in high school...but I believe it's been one of my best years of my life so far.

I haven't really made a lot of blog posts lately, especially during other stress-a-thons, and I haven't really made any rants either since I'd hate to complain so much (me and my caring for others comes first instinct @.@); so I'll use up this blog as my Ultimate Rant Blogpost :D

Also, the Baron Banner has a new blog host in Word Press and I should post something decent and structured...but I'm not really sure how. How some people are paid to write posts just like mine, but structured...I'm not sure I could really do that. I've never been good at required writing, but I don't know. I'll find something to write about somehow.

I'm at my cousin Bianca and Emerald's house right now and, may I say, my gosh... One thing is that Bianca calling herself fat and trying to be anerexic or something when she's already...what, 107 pounds? (Note: She's one year older than me, becoming a junior). Another is whenever Emerald and Bianca have selfish weird irrational arguements. (Emerald is becoming a 6th grader). But whatever...(wow, I suck at ranting :D)

Actually you know what...I can't think of any rants anymore =] hehe...

"The Ultimate Rant?" ...not...

Hi, I'm Michelle Doan and I suck at ranting.

Different Ways to Say "I Miss You"

2008-05-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

I honestly do miss someone right now...and it's the person whom I thought I would never really think about missing or think about terribly again...

Kids in America MMV

2008-05-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

Here it FINALLY is! This took me awhile, but you guys will love it :]

Life's MapleSyrupEp3Pt2

2008-05-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

170 suscribers. im really suprised how my youtube status has been :]

Life's MapleSyrup Ep3Pt2:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=iYbRx_0Az5g&fmt=18

Anyone Seen What I made for my mom for Mother's Day! Go check it out!
http://michixchan93.deviantart.com/art/My-Mother-s-Day-Gift-85316871

Had some crazy temper tantrums lately, but things are alright, I suppose.I rejoined MapleStory for sure again now :] Anyone wants to buddy me, my ign (character name) is Takkaria. I finally made a new guild! It's called LifeMpleSyrp! YAY!~!~!~

Well, I'll try to work on my MMV (MapleStory Music Video) and animation for Ep4 asap and try to plan out the script for Ep5 when I'm bored at school and such when I'm not home.

Anyhow.
Enjoy :]

~Michelle

Life's MapleSyrup: Ep3, Part 1 of 2

2008-05-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

Here ya'all go!~

[Tagged] 5 Facts About Me, Myself, & I!

2008-05-03T19:34:00.000-07:00

Absolutely Nothing to Say

2008-04-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

Me: "Emily's having her birthday party on Saturday at the beach."

Dad: "Again?"

Me: "Yes."

Dad: "I saw her last night. Did she come to watch you?"

Me: "Her sister."

Dad: "Oh."

Me: "Tony's parents came too.

Dad: "They had nothing to do."

Me: "..." -walks away-

Steps to Neutrality & Calmness

2008-04-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

1. Skip dinner because you aren't hungry and so you don't have to confront parents or brother with emotional rage.

2. Take a shower to empty your mind.

3. Rummage freezer to eat some fruit sherbet and some cookies n cream ice cream for the yummy good taste to feel better.

4. Listen to music as you enjoy the desserts.

5. Sleep

6. Success

How Typical

2008-04-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

I'm so mad and angry right now, but I suppose that's the same time...disappointing once again and upset...Enough, that I'm crying about it. Was...I'm sniffing now because my dad called me out, but I held it in.

They told me they would come. "Are you guys coming?" "No." "..." "After we pick up your brother we'll drop by and watch." "=]"

7:20pm through the whole concert...

They never came...

I kept thinking to myself in my seat while the string orchestra played to suck it up and they might come. I see my cousin Tony's parents come and get into the audience. And I look once every while at the bleacher of parents, friends, and supporters, looking desperately for some parental support of my own...Ouch...

They haven't gone to any of my marching shows...they didn't go to this concert...We have the Monster Concert next...the last one...It won't be the same playing Fusion if it isn't a marching show. Plus, we're only playing part of the Opener...But still..."We're too busy." Yeah right... "If the tickets are free. Why don't they give out free tickets?" Well then I guess the whole stadium of people should get free watch on all the marching bands then (half actually).

Scholarships were announced and I was happy for my friends and the others. Obviously when I mentioned that Tony had a scholarship, he goes of how his sister got the full ride without band and how she joined different clubs here and how she didn't stick to one thing to make her resume "colorful." And how it doesn't make sense to do one thing and major in another. (i.e. Band to Art or Medical Major...something like that)...I was too angry and annoyed to listen...actually I did...but more like too angry or annoyed to take it all in as good advice.

After I got home, I went straight to my room. "Do you want food, Michelle?" "No..." I talk to my friend Tanh who IMed me right away when I logged on and to my cousin Tony to congradulate him. I talked to both about the sit. More to Tanh, but I just wanted to vent it out a bit...and a bit more later as I sat in front of the computer crying to myself. Luckily, I had a door that had a lock...

Honestly...I don't care if my friends are there to support me. That would be great...It's fun to spend time with them and such. Feel the victory of a 1st place for a marching show or just performing at a concert... All I really want is some parental support to watch me at those shows/concerts...Because all that seems to partially go to waste...It makes me feel horrible seeing all those kids and their parents there to support and be with them...While mine are out somewhere having another excuse not to come.

They once in awhile come to the Hapkido tests, and always to the piano recitals, awards assembly and any of the likes...But this is something I actually love and gotten attached to and feel special in...like a special group...Not just hundreds of piano students playing...not just my brother testing too along with piano (and a couple of other family members; besides Tony being in band with me). I never had felt so great in my life in a marching show. So happy to be in victory or loss with such a big group of funloving people. Not just a school of kids.

They tell me...my dad tells me "We'll come after we pick up your brother from piano." That's a bit before I start performing...It makes me pretty optimistic and happy they were coming. What's the excuse this time? "Why didn't you come?" "Grandmas." Probably meant my great grandma, but my grandmas is in Iowa and Vietnam. Still...we have all the time in the world to visit her, no offense... As tough as I wanted to be...I held the anger and disappointment and tears to myself until I was alone...

I want to say I hate them...mainly my dad...My mom wanted to come...I don't care what my brother has to say. But I can't. All I can think is... how typical it is for, especially him, to not show up or try...again...

Life's MapleSyrup: Ep2 Pt 2 & Credits

2008-04-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

I almost completely forgot. Here ya go! Enjoy!

Much Ado About Calories

2008-04-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

I'm on a roll. This feels a bit sloppy. D; Maybe it's my stupid pencil that leaves marks easily or my amateurity at this new technique I was using, making thick outlines around the boy.

(For Alex's International Week editorial)

Alcohol and Exaggerations: The Next Big Trend?

2008-04-26T17:04:00.000-07:00

Another practice cartoon. This time it's on Desiree's EFM editorial.

Grades Don't Matter

2008-04-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

Just practicing my editorial cartooning, by making cartoons off previous BB editoral articles.

"Ferb, I Know What We're Going to Do Today!"

2008-04-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

DING DING DING! I have an idea! Haha, I just wanted to say that one quote from Phineas and Ferb for fun because it sounded so identical :D Heh.

Anyways, I have three main subects to talk about right now:

Grounding:

My dad was never really good at grounding. Pretty good at threats, but never really was the grounding type. I already encouraged him to let me walk the same area to the car again so I don't have to wait out in front afterschool for him and so he doesn't have to drive through the crazy school traffic. By the first day, I was already back in my room doing homework rather than in the kitchen, because my bro was playing piano and I'm in my room now o.O Phone? Not that I call anyone. Usually only my dad calls me and some random people at randomly once in a while moments. Computer? I just need to get myself to finish my homework is all, I suppose. This is the 2nd time he's ever "grounded" me. 1st time was in 3rd grade for getting a C on something. I know it wasn't a report card. Probably a test. What did I get grounded from? Nothing. Just a a lecture.

Class Schedule:

Okay, previously, I was somewhat down because there was no off season tennis, BUT instead of taking P.E. to make up the last semester of those P.E. credits, I can just rejoin tennis, or rejoin band. Genius, Michelle. Pat on the back. Heh.

Line Art:

I should probably post Episode 2 Part 2/2 this weekend. It got rejected before because it was too long. Sigh. I'll re-render it again later. I have to remind myself to make the music video also, but besides the video making, I've been going back into my drawing period. Yay, this time it's LINEART (I guess, it's because I lost my color pencils :[ ) But I've also gotten a great idea that I would use scrapbood cardstock as backgrounds for the cutout copies and stuff. Afterwards, I would save the cardstock for later and tape the cut out figures on my wall. I'm gonna try to attempt to draw all my family and close friends and attach it along the middle moldings of my wall. :] It's an idea and I've already started with my, Alice's, and Tanh's cuttouts. To see some of my work so far, click here.

I think that's all I really wanted to talk about. Oh, and things are going fine, I suppose. Still have that crush on Kevin a bit, but keeping that stable friendly status. I'm not one of those people who will go immediately to anothr person again. I think I'll stay single for awhile. More freedom and bigger view on who's out there for me. :]

Not As Bad As I Thought

2008-04-22T07:54:00.000-07:00

Grounding isn't all that bad...Okay, it's only one day. But yeah, I talked to myself about how bad it really was. Not really. It's not like I'm a computer freak. And I can just blog at school and check everything else at school. Though, it might be inconvenient to my Youtube subscribers waiting for my Life's MapleSyrup episodes. Hehe...Whatever, let them wait. They've been getting on my nerves, bugging me to get them up anyway. Haha. Uh...(thinks what to say). I forced myself to wake up at 7 this morning just to serve my detention, which wasn't as bad as I thought...just did homework and studied for biology (whoohoo =_=). Then after I went to talk to my guidance counselor about my next year's class list. Too bad there isn't any off season girl's tennis =( I could get into band 2nd semester than. I'd join tennis if there was an off season so I can get my P.E. credits finished and join concert band at the same time. Darn. Yeah, things are going neutral now. Though...I might have hurt myself during P.E. yesterday playing Rocks. Now, I'm slightly limping on my left leg, and couldn't do much with my left leg during Hapkido class. Bleh. Life's going alright I suppose. Not as bad as I thought. Grateful for the responses though. :] I'll end it here and check my stuff before class starts.

Grounded

2008-04-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

Why is it that all the problems come down on me all at once? Maybe I'll just get to the point.

I'm grounded...

That's the last thing I ever needed...

I always had a problems with my memory. Where for any moment, I could forget what to say or what I was doing, and I wouldn't remember what I was going to say, do, or where it was taking place until a few minutes later...seconds, later...eventually...never? How inconvenient.

I lost my retainers for the 2nd time. Ouch? Yes. So now I need to go find them...or else I'm grounded...forever? I'm grounded until I find them. No computer in my room, no phone (not that I call people a lot), not allowed to walk with Kevin home (even more ouch...), I have to do homework in the dining room (not so bad, along with the computer thing, it's just I can't blog at home when I want or talk to my distant friends for a bit). I'll just blog and all that stuff at school and write my blog posts on a journal. This is sure gonna make my day until I find it...yeah right...

(To Zack) The other direction? Sorry to disappoint you.

Can't think about anything else to type. So I'll end it here.

Doodling

2008-04-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

I think I'll just lay on the desk, doodling to distract myself from this neutrality...maybe that will help. I'm getting a bit tired...That's progress. -shrugs- I wish I could sleep for the rest of the day until tomorrow morning. School sounds good right now...I guess.

Thought Block

2008-04-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know. I'm really bored right now and this neutrality is driving me crazy. I've been reading my previous old posts and I have to agree with Titus about one thing. I'd take stress any day over a day where everything is the same and repeats over and over. In my boredom, I also concluded that the contradiction between my stress and my distracting myself from that stress has caused me to be neutral at the moment. Pretty logical in my point of view. I guess since I have nothing to do, I'll write. It's the best thing to do right now at the moment for me, I suppose. It's somewhat hard to think what to write with th neutrality...because my mind is having thought-block. You know...like somewhat like writer's block...Can't think what to say, write, think at all...my emotions are all blocked away for now. And I guess I really want them back. Because I want to say I really do like Kevin...though I can't feel it...stupid contradiction...Nothing I'm listening to or reading is helping trigger it on again, but I suppose I'll keep looking around reading some previous and current blog posts of mine and others.