Step It Up

I never noticed how these LA Convention Center Pictures with Sabrina, Claudia, Victoria, and me where we were standing on weird stone sculptures were quite similar to our new goal to meet this year "stepping it up" in a way. I didn't even realize how much it matched until after I made these pictures. I made new pictures in substitute for last year's sideline picture I edited for my blogspot. This year, my little lines on the pictures, instead of "Surf's Up" for riding on the turtle with Nuran, Victoria, and me, its "Step It Up." I got bored, so I even edited the white picture as well. Click on the pictures for a closer view on my DeviantArt.

Natural Smiles and Frowns

"Recently, a few days ago, a girl at my Hapkido class, told me: "You know, I see you smile a lot. Is that like a natural smile or do you just...do it?" After I thought about it, I guess it was natural, and while answering, I was trying to restrain myself from smiling so, but I couldn't help it. I never noticed how I smiled so much and how someone else noticed it...I'm pretty sure other people noticed it too in other places...but I never really thought about it...still there was something else inside that contradicted that natural smile..."

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I feel like I'm getting supposedly carsick once again, like on my Lake Tahoe trip. UP and DOWN and left and right...Turns and bumps...

Well...at the moment, that's how my moods have been a lot lately...but overall, on the inside, I just feel darn depressed, no matter how much I smile and have fun during the day...At the end of the day, I just feel kinda...terrible...

Different traffic signs and turns and bumps after another on the road...And me, being at a very sensitive state in emotions at the moment, I just get kind of...well, obviously, moody.

I can't think right now and I wish I could think of more to write like I usually do, but it's probably the intense homework and studying time I pushed myself to do this year compared to last year to "improve myself academically." It kind of hurts my head though. Academics crashing into my mind filled with mixed emotions...not the greatest thing in the world.

I seemed to enjoy my freshman year so much last year...so far for this...2nd day of school, I've never felt school to be so...depressing before...Maybe it's just me, but it just feels that way and only to me. I mean, getting distracted, I have fun sometimes, but not until lunch. 1st period is pretty entertaining with Mr. Fitspatrick in AP Euro which wakes me up for the day for a lil laugh and smile. Geometry, I feel like a loner. Me, choosing to keep to myself, sitting in the back.

My close friend David asked me to try to befriend his girlfriend who sat next to me, but I've been trying not to talk to her, even though she could be that one person who I could befriend. But...we didn't really have very good experiences with each other in middle school and I told myself I wouldn't talk to her and just focus on the academics and the talking freshman (95% of the class is freshmen ._.). I'll try I guess and say Hi tomorrow.

P.E. It's the almost usual peeps, except for some old friends, which is pretty kewl. Time to distract myself, but I don't feel the best until lunch time when I'm with my close close friends.

Iunno, like the rest of the day is alright...but I guess, the first thing's first...

No matter how much I "naturally smile" and have fun, in the end or in between when it's over or something I don't know...I just...don't feel all that great...

When I'm depressed, I cry easily, worry, frustrate, get angry, etc. etc. Unless, I distract myself...

My first goal of the year: Try not to be depressed.

Yeah...that's all I need for now...Oh...and another.

Don't be late to 0 period...no matter how long my mom takes to get ready to leave the house to drive me and how slow she drives on the street whenever and ONLY when she drives me to school ._.

First Impressions

"Technically, was supposed to be on the first day of school. But, internet was being weird."

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Some people say first impressions matter. Well...sometimes, but not in all cases. As for me...I just wasn't having the best of my days...and even before school even started.

Let's start with something simple first. How are you feeling today, Michelle? Somehow this reminds me of my good friend Charles from band. Whenever I asked him this very question everyday last year, his response would be: "horrible D;"

Me: "Ah, comon, Charles. Look on the bright side. Stop being so pessimistic."
Him: "Fine...It was great! -failing at trying to be optimistic attitude- No...I can't lie, Michelle... haha"

Well, for me...I have to say honestly...and I don't mean kind of in a jokingly way...I feel...depressed, angry, upset...just plain in the almost emo stage. Though, it doesn't seem like it, my moods tend to go up and down. But lately for the last few days, that's how it's been: crying, feeling depressed, getting angry, and all that jazz. And even a few suicidal thoughts.

Today after 0 period, it was hard to find some of the friends that I really wanted to see. Emily was gone and no one was at this one spot where we usually meet. Probably because most of them were in 0 period choir, but I found Ben...obviously, he hangs around the bandos, like always from last year. I found Klink from the art peeps...Nathan from just...wondering around. So that made me feel kinda disappointed for the morning...(lately...I've been a bit sensitive to my emotions due to the depression). OH and I SAW KRISTINE while being late to 0 period :3 But I never saw her again after T.T

In AP Euro 1st period, I thought Mr. Fitzpatrick would be a fun teacher to be with. I realized most of my class composed of well...the extremely smart people (asians). It made me feel weird. I haven't been with them since 8th grade and I wanted to seperate from that. All the other bandos in AP Euro were in a diff period :[ Well, at least I knew Lily and TiffChau. They were in orchestra. Westlina from PitEnsemble. And other azn people I obviously knew from GATE class. And others...so it made me feel weird how I'll do in this class compared to the rest.

In Geometry, as usual, I let out a yawn at least once...it's math...I get bored even when I'm focusing on them...there's just no way to make math fun ._. But then he opened a Youtube video on Geometry rap...scary...

P.E. Brodi grew taller than me. Go figure (The kid who used to be the shortest kid in class...) Nick's in my class again. At least Klink, Chris, and Krystal are in my class. I mean I don't mind Brodi and Nick, but they can be a handful at times.

4th Period English (I could have had band :[...) I step into Mr. Penhall's class and what is the first time I did when I stepped in.......I stopped and went....whoa.....Why do I feel like I'm in APEuro again....Why? Every single person in that class was in 1st period APEuro...that's why...I was freaking out again, but I mellowed out a bit more...I guess this explains why lots of people from APEuro had Penhall with me ._. And why everyone else had diff APEuro and Eng from me. So yeah...don't need to explain dejavu again so...

5th period Olsberg. CONNOR AND ANDREW! THE ONLY bandos from 4th period band in ANY of my classes. I really wish David or something was in my classes tho =[ Or Emily or Kaleigh or ANYONE closer than those two. I mean those two are my bando friends too, but yeah..you know what I mean...

6th period Spanish. seems like the usual. blah blah blah

I just really wished more of my choir/band friends were in my classes though...I have friends in my classes, I just really want at least one or two of my closer friends =[ O wellz...

But after school...I was telling my dad about the APEuro/Eng thing where everyones in the same class...and he went off about academics, majors, colleges, AP college credits...I just stayed quiet and got mad how he completely ignored everything I said except for the AP part....I was gonna break out in tears, but being...angry for no reason...I was holding it in and it stayed in...

My bro ticking me off...that's usual, but him being such a jerk STUPID IDIOTIC jerk lately...I just get so mad at him for everything he does and tell him to go away. Even my mom's having a thing aagainst him. I think it's those rated MATURE games...that's why they're MATURE! >[

Iunno...I just get so emotional and, yet, I give other people advice and "inspirational" speeches to help them...yet I keep bagging on myself ._.

I haven't been posting on these other problems lately, because I didn't want a lot of people to know about it because well I dunno...just a moment where I felt, I was kind of annoying talking about all my problems "all the time."

Well, my head hurts from too much Spanish translatoins for questions for 1st day hw so...I'm hitting the haystack. Cyas

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Forgive me for this not so great blog compared to my others ._.