Stress-a-thon

"Try saying that ten times fast...Anyways, this is only a explanation of my well...'stress-a-thon' the past week and days."

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You could say I am an easily stressed out...mmm, emotional...person...ish...Actually, let me just start explaining and you'll get what I'm trying to get out.

Lately, Ive been getting so much stress it drive me crazy. One on another on another. Even after I'm over one and calming down, another comes up. And there are always things that sometimes comes back to haunt me again or pops up to make me more frustrated. During this stress phase once again (yes, once again), I've gotten more angry and depressed, it wasn't funny (not that it ever was...).

I had problems with Dani whom I thought for once, things were going to go smoothly and we were going to get back together, but because of his sensitivity and my high stress-o-meter, we just had to get in another fight...for the millionth time AND WE WEREN'T EVEN BFGF! Amazing, huh? I mean even though, we always fight, we get back together after the million break ups, but I guess I couldn't take it anymore and just wanted to go on, like I am right now. But -shrugs- yeah, I'm going on with my life.

Anyways, as that stress went away, I had extreme fun at Disneyland...Then another stress came up. On the bus, Maddie asked Klink, "Hey, Kevin. Are you and Michelle going out?" Klink>"Iunno, Michelle, are we going out?" WHAT!??!!? My own best friend wondering if we were going out. THAT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH! And I just stressed about it like crazy. I decided to sit next to Benji in front to release my stress of not looking at Klink and with all the noise on the bus, I just looked down at my lap, covering my ears. Benji asks if I'm alright, and I just deny to him, while I end up...yes...I end up tearing up about it secretly to myself...I'm such a crybaby and I always make a big deal about this. Even worse, I talked it over with Klink yesterday after the middle school tour, since he couldn't go, and just ended up brushing it off. How...pointless... (I mean my making a big deal...)

Next...I don't really remember most of the details, but I guess that's what emotional stress does to you, make you forget more often (I think that's what my health teacher taught us). All I remember is me being more stressed, making me having an attitude towards my dad when I got angry a bit at my brother...as usual (he's always being extra annoying lately ever since middle school started), so I ended up getting a beating, which made me more stressed out and angry...which lead to more crying...crying myself to sleep. My head just hurt so much. I kept stressing about everything negative.

I kept thinking myself a burden to everyone.

That reminds me. This is the last thing Dani has ever said to me after that last stress fight; he's never said it before, but I suppose I've always been thinking this lately, now and before in my negativity:

"I do hate you. And you know what? You ruin society. You ruin people's lives. You should smash your head against a wall and die."

That's the harshest thing someone has ever said to me, but I guess I'm trying to brush that off my shoulder, too.

Afterwards, at school, I just wasn't as happy, or more like I just couldn't be happy. Klink, Hawaii (other Kevin), Benji, and my other friends noticed that and tried to cheer me up.

During lunch, I decided to talk to Klink, Hawaii, Benji, and David (C) privately away from the other people in the band room where we couldn't be heard and talk it over. The thought was so fuzzy, I had a hard time remembering what happened which made me kind of frustrated, but I didn't cry. Thank gosh, I didn't cry.

The big deal I keep thinking no matter what was that I was a burden, but they kept telling I wasn't and if I was, they would say.

The time between it was fuzzy again.

I believe this is...the day before the last day of school of the year. (I mean the next event I'm going to talk about)

I felt depressed again, but the next before I just felt so angry at myself at everything I do. I have a C+ in Biology, which made me frustrated. The last time I saw my grade it was a B- and I just wanted to try to get an A...and I got a C+ which made me mad...My dad is the kind of dad who wants their child to get straight A's or mostly A's. The only class he allows a B in is my Eng Honors class. I took my blame on my C+ on my teacher Ms. Foley and started getting angry at her being annoying. It's probably irrational at the same time -shrugs-... I've also been angry at myself for my depressed. I remembered myself thinking, I need to be depressed about something. How...pathetic... I think all I want is attention and for that I get angry at myself for. Being depressed makes me angry. Even the more I talk to my friends about my situation, the more angry I get now, because I'm getting them included into my problems and just putting a downfall on them...I suppose. But they kept telling me, "You're not a burden!" Etc. etc. -shrugs-

I also tell myself "I hate myself; I hate my life; I want to kill myself." To release stress, but I never really mean it. To tell you the truth, I'm terrified of death. I also tell myself this that...I may be really stressed out, really angry, and depressed, but I am not emo, I am not a cutter, I am not going suicidal, I am not bipolar, despite my quick emotional change, but I suppose I have extreme mood swings is all. But I am not emo.

Friday was better, I wanted all the depressed to go again and the unwanted thoughts of wanting to be depressed for attention, especially for attention or being depressed at all or getting anything that can make me depressed...well, you get it. Friday was like a day of relaxation, though, I was still worrying over my C+. I really want to raise it to at least a high B+, but especially an A-. I'll just try harder. But...easier said then done. Who knows.

Hmm...I already explained my break so far, but I do have a confession to make before I go nuts again. After having so many bad love experiences, I've developed a...you could say phobia against liking someone, crushing, having a bf...well, being involved in any kind of in-love or love situation.

This is my bulletin from Myspace:
"Title: I have a confession to make I can't avoid

Body: cuz if i do. i prob will drive myself more nuts than i am not...that that I'm going crazy...I'm just in deep thought....supposedly....


k...enough explanation...
i conclude i like someone despite the fact i told myself i wouldn't get involved in love anymore for now...because of some..previous experiences...


but yes...


but its a one way love right now since i haven't said anything


so I'm basically in-love only


i have learned that there is a different between being in-love and loving someone.i am basically...in-love -nods and shakes head-"

I have to say...I believe I have a crush on Klink. I've gotten so attached to him and I really do mean it if you knew me. I drag him around; I hug him like crazy; when he's not around for lunch, I have a anxious need to see Klink again after school; I usually make sure at least Klink is the person there to listen to my problems first, he's my partner for beans :D etc. etc. But yes...

Err...I'm kind of tired lol 1:24am I don't know what else to say, so I shall end this entry. Write back soon! [And behold! Another extremely long entry!]