Taking the Jump and Cut

I think back in 8th grade when I was in a terribly depressed and at the start of my teenage mood swings of crazy emotions... emo.

I hated my life. I hated myself. I wanted to die. I wanted my life to end.

I think now how ridiculous I was back then, thinking so negative and thinking everything was hopeless.

I didn't want to attract attention to my depression, so I didn't change my wardrobe to dark, emo clothes.

I didn't cut myself because it would be too noticeable, but after learning about cutting more, I think, wow, why didn't I think of cutting myself there. In 8th grade, it was cutting your wrists and arms. Now cutting has been more creative in places not-to-be-seen. But that doesn't matter. My first ex-boyfriend was emo too and almost influenced me to cut myself as well. One night I went to the kitchen and opened the knife drawer and held up a knife.

I chickened.

I wanted to die as unpainfully fast as possible though. I thought...pills? I don't know...Shot or stab myself...Too slow. I just wanted to disappear...somehow. Some nights, I remember walking out of the house and walking towards the main streets and watching cars pass by...And day dream, at school, of walking off and jumping. Would I die really fast? What if I still lived?

I didn't jump.

Thinking about it now, I can't believe how absorbed I was into the whole depression and emo thing, neglecting the love of my close friends there for me. I never went up to them about it and ignored that they were some hope in my life. I neglected the only friend who was basically like my psychiatrist that year, who was trying to give me advice and support me. How could I not see them. All I thought about was why that guy didn't like me back, getting scared of my first ex whenever we had fights, my life at home, and envy for not looking pretty enough or talented enough as a friend.

What if I didn't chicken out though. What if I took that knife and did cut myself...leading to cutting myself more and more.

What if I jumped...

Let's think about all the great things I have today now. A great boyfriend named Charlie. My first kiss... Wonderful close friends. A great experience in marching band and Baron Banner, and Baron Broadcast News to come. A dream to attend Boston University and succeed in the film world.

I have such a wonderful life now and I can't believe I almost put it to waste.

I hope I never come down to that point of depression every again. And if I do come to a point where my mind sets to "I hate my life," I'll think...what do I have? The least amount I'll have is...my great cousins and my close friends. Seldom will there be a moment where they will all hate me for once and abandon me. At least one person will always be there for me and I will believe in them.

Life is good.