Cheese and Two Crackers

So my brother and I were watching this Vitamin Water commercial where an Asian male teenager came home to his two white parents.

Alex: He's Asian.

Me: He's adopted.

Alex: How do you konw?

Me: Two white people can't give birth to an Asian... =_=

And stupid comment...

Alex: How do you know?

myTube: Blank Slate

After posting up the Fame Menu on my YouTube Channel, I will have 105 YouTube Videos and 495 Subscribers since 8th grade. I am contemplating to start fresh after I graduate with a second channel for all my future videos. Sound like a smart idea?

How Are You, Tubaman?

I usually visit my friend Gilbert, a bando, in Ms. Axelson's class before I head to my first period. But since he wasn't here during first today, I decided to talk to my other friend Sami, who tried to compensate for his absense.

Me: Gilbert's not here today D;

Sami: I can pretend to be him today.

Me: Okay :D

Sami: -sits in seat-

Me: So, Gilbert, how are you? (Expecting an "alright").

Sami: -high squeaky voice- TUBA TUBA TUBA!

LOLOLOL

Prom 2011: Rendezvous a Paris

I wasn't able to get a decent picture for prom due to mishaps (except three from Ms. Springer, Senor Yarnton, and my cousin William; none of which I have on me), so I drew one ♥

Me: ♥

Ben: -fist pump-

When Life Gives You Lemons...

My friend Gilbert has been complaining a lot lately (he's somewhat a pessimist). He was complaining about he didn't want to go to a banquet because he probably wouldn't get an award. And he comes back getting an award but puts it down as something out of pity and not good enough as the other awards.

- - - - -

Me: Gilbert, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But when life gives you lemons, you make orange juice! What's wrong with you?!

Gilbert: Lol. You know what, I'm gonna go home now and make some orange juice out of lemons!

- - - - -

Glad to cheer u up, pal ;P

Like a Chinese Man Always Said...

My friend Andy (his real name is Alex, but I like to call him Andy) has been bugging me for awhile about the female singles in our prom group and today he asked me this.

Andy: Do you think that I could possibily hook up with someone as a temporary date for prom lol? :)

Me: Maybe [insert name here] ;)

Andy: Lol

Me: Want me to ask for you?

Andy: No, I'll ask them.

Andy: Like a Chinese man once said. Be a Man

Me: LOL

Photo: Sharp Focus (Vote Please)

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) 3 Brickfish

Most Recently Self-Made Videos: Feb 2011

More Relief, But Not All Relief (for seniors)

Haven't written an article in FOREVER. This is an editorial I wrote. Hope it isn't too crappy... Final Published Article: http://www.baronbanner.com/2011/02/02/more-relief-but-not-all-relief-for-seniors/

- - - - -

First semester has finally passed and for seniors here at Fountain Valley High School, it means one thing: relief.

My first semester of my senior year was like a slap in the face; sudden, and, of course, stressful.

Senior year is supposed to be the year to kick back and relax. That’s what everybody says. Sure, the year may be relaxing for those who stick with the average class schedule and limit themselves to three to five classes, ensuring their leave after fourth period for an off-campus lunch and a decent amount of time for themselves for the rest of the day. But for the rest of us, it’s nothing like that.

My fall semester involved applying colleges and frantically attempting to balance my classes and keep my grades up, which was harder than I expected. I applied to only private schools—University of Southern California (USC), New York University (NYU), Chapman University, and California Institute of the Arts—with an exception to CalState, Long Beach, intending to major in film production. And since my junior year was almost a complete bore with a minimized schedule I should have given myself this year instead, I decided to add in a few more classes I should have taken the previous; a foreign language class and a science class. I remember during the second semester of my junior year, I harassed my senior role models consistently. What classes should I take? Is this class to stressful? Too hard? A given? How much time does this activity take? I wanted the perfect schedule that would be appealing on my college resumes, and, at the same time, wasn’t too overwhelming or too dull. But I also wanted a zero period and a 7th, theater. So I set my schedule officially and I was satisfied with the following for the rest of the summer:

0 – Baron Banner

1 – Algebra 2B; TrigonometryA

2 – Physics

3 – AP English 4

4 – AP Government; (regular) Economics

5 – Baron Broadcast News

However, procrastination and lack of time-management tortured me. To my underclassmen out there, there is one simple rule you must follow—start your essays in the summer. Every year, seniors are told that advice by their respected alumni friends, yet most end up working on their essays last minute or too late into the school year. And the fact that no one prepares you for the college application process, unless you’re a lucky younger child of the family, puts a lot more pressure on you, the applicant, and your family, than truly needed.

In “brief”, this is my college application experience: I turned in all my online applications, whether for Common App or a different online host, all on the day of the deadline. I turned almost all of my film portfolios the day of or late (at least post-marked). I sent in the wrong portfolio for one of my colleges (I sent in a portfolio for screenwriting versus film production) and had to make another one and send it in after the scholarship deadline; however, it was sent on the day of the regular deadline. But luckily the essays for the incorrect major proved beneficial for other college applications and scholarships. I failed to talk to Ms. Michaela Wakeman regularly and turn in the teacher reports for her letter of recommendations for me—and have up to this day, become too intimidated and ashamed of myself to approach her again. I also ended up asking my teachers for my letters of recommendation on the last week before my first college application was due (Chapman) for early decision.

Let’s just say my college application experience wasn’t pretty…

Worst of all, I didn’t realize how much work I would have in Baron Banner and Baron Broadcast News as a senior versus as an underclassman, whether I had high positions already or not. That promoted lack of time-management and dedication to a lot of negativities; punctuality for deadlines was a big demerit, which I am ashamed of.

Luckily, now that the stress of keeping my grades up and college applications are now over, I can breathe once more. I can’t get relax completely like the rest of my senior class, some of who have started dropping their classes or transferring out to an easier course (AP to regular). And as tempting as that might seem, (utter relaxation for the last semester of my senior year), I have to resist. I did make some adjustments, however.

I switched from AP Government into regular Economics as planned and transferred to a different, but easier-to-understand physics teacher, which should prove more beneficial to me for my second semester report card.

All there’s left to truly worry about is scholarship applications and anticipation for those college acceptance or rejection letters pouring in slowly through April. Chapman should be my first to hear from, as I heard they recently started sending out their letters. Luckily for one of my friends already in Baron Broadcast News, he got accepted; which created a more intense anxiety for me every time I rummage through the mail or encounter him at school.

My goal for this semester is punctuality, motivation, and responsibility in keeping up my grades, keeping up with financial aid deadlines, extra curricular deadlines, and building up my artistic resume with film, design, and writing, especially with film festivals coming up.

Overall the pattern that was and I predict will be my senior year as a whole is as follows: fall to winter, a climatic stress pattern; winter to spring, cooling down; spring to summer, freedom.

I can’t cool down too much just yet. But one thing is true: more relief.

Most Recently Self-Made Videos: Jan 2011

Jigsaw Puzzle Pieces

I am like an optometrist. I produce a film or a video is like creating a pair of eye glasses. I provide the lenses and let my audience sit back, try them on and see the world the way I see it. Details of who I am, what I do, and how I live are carefully embedded into each tiny layer of the lenses. Individually, film or video I have worked on may stand on its own, but together they create a jigsaw puzzle of a bigger picture, one that can only be interpreted as one idea, one concept, one thing, one person—me. It is known that a picture may have a thousand words; however, with motion picture, an infinite deeper meaning is a possibility that cannot be overlooked.

My Title and My Pages

There are always cases of situations that are “easier said than done”. As a high school student, it is my most commonly met situation. Someone always seems to have a vision or dream: “I want to…”, “This would be cool if…”, “I will…” Many promises and reassurances are made, and often times broken, that a natural reaction toward these redundancies is, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” On the other hand, high school definitely produces a great deal of competition to pursue one’s future career.

Rarely will you ever see me sitting to take a break and “just relax” for more than a minute. Perhaps I would spend some free-time with my friends here and there, but, in my work environment, “nothing to do” was not in my vocabulary. I was almost always up and about asking my peers about what they filmed, assigning them a project, confirming information, checking out cameras, organizing special events, or, for a majority of the time, gluing my butt to a comfortable chair in front of an LCD screen, editing a video segment or the front page design of the school newspaper. When I have a prophetic moment in my mind, I fully project it onto a paper or screen for all to see. I could stay stationary hour after hour, despite my lower body feeling numb and stiff, to make sure every little aesthetic detail was precise and perfect. Although there are times when my own battery does die, I am not ready to give any breathing room for doubt. I want to serve as a role model—editor-in-chief, executive producer, and/or club president—like my respected seniors before me. To one day have someone respond back to me, “I’ll believe it when I see it,” would be a sin. A fire grew in my eyes and a crescent moon in my smile as I urge myself to succeed and pull people into my shoes and behind my glasses.

Film production has become a “projector of my life”, incorporating all the aspects of art, visual or performing, that I enjoyed. Surprisingly, I never heard one whisper of objection from my parents. I remember from elementary school, I told myself “when I grow up, I want to be a doctor.” Yet by my sophomore year of high school, I was exposed to a number of activities—marching band, martial arts, journalism, graphics design, film, theatre, visual arts, and more—that cleared my mind to want a great deal more. “I want to be the first female Vietnamese American to be awarded an Oscar for Best Director.” My parents and I knew that I was bound down by an equivocated, yet potential, path for a life better than the daily economic struggle we dwell in today. They pushed me along to keep up with my grades and to stay on top of deadlines. As the years passed by, they gradually expressed an increase support and appreciation for my creative talent. I am truly grateful to feel an aura of warmth around me and to have my parents behind me. Else, it would have been an impossibility for me to be standing here today.

But obviously I don’t have a clean and perfect slate. There was a period of time when my superego ambition overpowered me to strive to be “king of the hill”—all for the titles, less on the substance. Doing anything to embellish one’s college application was brainwashed into many students through the intense high school competition. Unfortunately, I became one of the many who became sucked into the peer pressure. Editor-in-chief, executive producer, president. Those three words ran through my mind continuously. It wasn’t until my film and journalism advisor, Mr. Ziebarth, reminded me of the journey yet again—“I don’t care what you want to be called, as long as what you do applies to your title.” It was the most common sense one could agree to. Yet it hit me on the back of my head, as if an inspirational quote, and got me keeping on my feet. I was now able to take a step back and view the bigger picture.

With all the years of experience and knowledge I have, I not only want to learn and apply it to life around me, but to teach and to help improve others as well. I want others to be able to stand up for them and climb up their own mountain to success as well. And it makes me have an uplifting feeling on the inside whenever I do teach people and they understand. With that I have confirmed with myself that one day, I want to become a significant leader of the world, promoting Asian cultural awareness in the United States mainstream, feminism, and visual and performing arts, and entertaining the world as the first Vietnamese-American, or female Vietnamese-American to be awarded an Oscar for “Best Director”. And I want to be judged by my book as a whole.

Self-Expression is Power

With the touch of my pen to the paper, I have the power of a sword. With the touch of my finger to this keyboard, I have the power of a hammer. With the press of the "publish" button, I have the power of a gargantuan microphone, projecting over the millions of digital bytes spread across the World Wide Web. My life is an open book and I made it an open book. But when I finally make this possible, there is always someone or something waiting with a blowtorch to burn it to ashes.

When I was in eighth grade while at the peak of my uncontrollable mood swings and hormones, I kept a journal. Never did I show this journal to anyone, including my best friends. As everything became less carefree, I slowly hid myself in my corner. I was not adjusted to expressing my problems. As much as I wished to express my feelings, the most it would sprout out would convey as vague and confusing status messages on my old MySpace profile page that only I would be able to decipher.

Yet, the journal was like my second beating heart, a separate superego entity. I always kept it among my possession at all times and became addicted to writing my thoughts into it. Every single day, every single minute, every single passage that I wrote in my obsessive mood drove me to my insanity. It was my Tom Riddle’s diary.

Why are you doing this? Why doesn't he like me back? Why are you thinking about this? Why am I thinking too much? What’s wrong with you? Did I do something wrong? Oh, you’re just over-reacting. I hate my life. You’re such an idiot I don’t deserve to live. I’m so fat. Slowly, my head began to fill up continuously with one thought and emotion after another. I felt like I was going to explode.

It was not until my best friend, Vivian, finally opened me up and she became someone to express my every single complaint, every single rant, every sob-story, and even a few happy ones. But I was not talking to a wall this time. She spoke. She guided me. And I felt sane again. Since the longest time, I had a smile across my face. I felt happy.

To rid of the journal that used to be my source of life, my source of relief, I engraved the phrase “cursed journal” with a permanent marker page after page until it was down to its last layer of skin. I then handed the bloody taboo off to Vivian for burning or disposal, and I never saw it again.

Since, I have avoided capping the bottle and began to express my thoughts through words again through my online blog with my journalism peers. The only difference between my blog and simple fancy-covered spiral notebook was that it was thrown out there for all my peers to read freely, and advise and comfort me in times of good or bad. And I felt a connection when I discover others have fallen into the same hole I was in. I burned down my dark corner and felt I could run to the top of a hill and burst out my voice to the sun.

But he just had to bring the rain on my world.

His name was David. He was not a close friend in any way, but he decided to start up a casual conversation over FaceBook chat one day during sophomore year. However, a conversation about our school system and about how “gay” he thought our AP European History class quickly rampaged into a catapulting game of insults and critical judgment. It was as if he had a microscope to my brain as he began to probe my mind, judging me with my emotions and statuses.

Pathetic. Immature. Insecure. No new friends or clubs or activities. Always marching band. What accomplishments and benefits will newspaper give or has given you? You act young…I act young? Exactly. You act young all the time.

Each piece of evidence he pulled up to support his statements was as if he was keeping tab on me from time to time, like a stalker. I could sense that he could see my face flushing red with anger. Though I kept my silence and I could hear him laughing clearly through the other side of the screen from his computer.

You want attention. You demand attention. You show insecurity with my friends. You never ask people out.

He might have brought the rain on my party, but I had lightning and thunder to strike him down. I was not going to let another devil’s advocate similar to a familiar superego of mine to return and beat me to the ground. I had a will to fight back against myself, against him, a free will to express myself however I want, when I want.

I felt strong. There is more people than just you in this world for me to deal with. I felt confident. Do I care that I’m broadcasting myself out to the world? Let the whole world know. Why should you make an impact or matter at all to me?

Cursed journal. Cursed journal. Cursed journal. Cursed journal. Cursed journal.

And there was silence, as I closed my eyes, spread my arms around as I looked up to the sky and smiled. “Sweet silence” was the only thing I heard as those words slipped across my lips.

At times, as I express my every thought and feeling, my life story, onto a sheet of paper, a digital document, as my previous respected editor-in-chief Victoria once said to me, “though it may seem that your voice is being silenced, there is always the written word.

And that may be the loudest of all.”

- - - - -

Essay in response to previous blog posts:

• http://michelledoan93.blogspot.com/2008/09/why-that-little.html
• http://michelledoan93.blogspot.com/2008/12/cursed-journal.html

Half n' Half

So yeah, last week...

Last week all the way up to ...Tuesday? Wednesday? I was depressed out of my mind. Stressing out like crazy. ESPECIALLY Tuesday...

I wanted to run away from home. And I was ready to if I didn't go to piano school.

After the 5th time of going back and forth to my guidance counselor to go join 7th period Theatre Production. My dad finally tells me to drop it. He doesn't want to drive me back and forth from school and home and he won't let anyone else drive me nor let me walk to school. He doesn't want to use up his time volunteering if he was required to (which he doesn't) and doesn't want to pay more money ($50 vs the $3k from band freshman year). He wants me to focus more on academics because he doesn't trust me doing extra stuff without maintaining grades. (I blame myself for the last day of school, forgetting to turn in my Bio packet for Ms. Foley which dropped my B to a C freshman year). I mean 6th period Theatre is okay. But it's so boring because I was three days late to signing up for festival, plus it seems more active if I join a production (Charlie Brown or Three Angry Jurors, both of which I can't try out for because my dad forbids me to.

So going to piano school, I was waiting in the car, kinda upset as is because I was already having a crappy week so far. I was munching away my stress on a sandwich (I wasn't even hungry) as I was waiting forever for my dad and my brother to come out. Apparently, Alex broke his glasses (again) while playing basketball with his friends back at Gisler.

When they finally come out, my dad is completely furious and he comes into the car, SLAMS the car door shut, turns on the car, smacks the radio to shut up and waits there. Before driving out of the driveway, he seriously yells madly into my ear about how tired he is, how much money he makes, how we don't appreciate anything he does, how Alex is slacking at school, just everything. I didn't finish my sandwich, but I had it beside me in my right hand while he was screaming at us.

After handling years of his reckless scolding, I learned to try to hold it in without uncontrollably staggering breathing and stiffing, but a rain of tears still came out. When we finally drove up to the side of the business building where piano was, I climbed up and walked up the stairs and I was trying my best to hold it in. But I had to let it out a little and I walked into the apartment, trying to wipe my eyes clean. My teacher saw me, but by then, my eyes were still kinda eh, but I wasn't crying. And I went to my new classroom. There was another piano in there, but luckily, no one else was sitting in there with me today. While Co Thuy went to teach the other student out by the grand piano, I sat at my piano (which actually a good quality electric piano for once) and wiped my face with tissues.

In the car and at the beginning of the lesson, I thought to myself, "I wanna run away." I planned it all out in my mind. I would take the laptop, my phone, my bag with all my school stuff, and some clothes. I'd leave behind my stuffed animals, Casey, my bed...I didn't car. I wouldn't live in the streets though. There's no friend I'd trust to go to, whose parents would be willing to take a runaway friend in. And the only family I trusted would take me in would be Bianca and Emerald's. So I'd take off for there at night. Or I could go to a shelter. Anywhere, but home. I hated it there.

I started to practice piano on my Sonata song and Rockata. Some little kids started to look through the window of my door to see who was playing the vibrant up-and-at-it song of my Rockata...some teachers too. I tried not to notice though. While playing my Sonata, Co Thuy and my old teacher Co Hai (now Alex's teacher) was listening along while having a conversation in my room. "She's so talented at playing piano, but she's just lazy at practicing," they said. Which I guess was a compliment, which it was, but it was true. I do get quite lazy at practicing piano. But I'm starting to practice more again. Once or twice a week now at home XP compared to none at all...Eh, it's a start.

After piano, I felt calm again, but getting back into the car with my dad, I got quiet and angsty again. The rest of the night, I spent it upset, stressed, and such. No one really understands what I go through, no matter now I explain it, even Charlie.

Whenever I explain all these stressful stuff to people, they're always like, I know how you feel, my parents do that too. I feel like they don't truly know unless they were in my shoes, literally.

That's just me.

Anyway, that was last Tuesday. The rest of the week, things started to get chill again.

Thursday, I started my first day in 6th period theatre after talking to my guidance counselor for the 6th time. I got nervous and shy, but I got used to the atmosphere pretty easily. I just wish I could join production and do more. I asked some of my new friends Skylar, Andrew (Ochoa), Alex, and Lauren to help me out by maybe giving me some acting exercises to get a jist of it. I also went to a BBN workshop thingy from 5:30pm and stayed at school until 8pm, helping Sean with editing sports anchor.

The next day, Friday, was the BBN, where I got praised for my amazing typography skills with my Pennies for Patients PSA by the staff members. Also, JoVo called Andrew (Neal), Nick, Addi, Presley, and me up after the meeting about the BBN. We all attended the BBN workshop...ish the previous day, and JoVo was confident with our group as we were all juniors and were strong as leaders for next year's executive admin for BBN. She wanted each of us to figure out in 5minutes what to say about why each of us should be the next episode producer.

I panicked and made a big list of why. I was responsible. I am a fast learner, am able and wish to learn more stuff, like graphics design, Adobe Aftereffects, greenscreen, and I will be willing to teach it to others, punctual, artistic skills, etc.

So I went first. The rest of the guys just mentions how to improve the BBN. I felt pretty confident with myself. After some discussion, JoVo, Josh, Sean, Soheil, and Jessica called us back and told us all of us are going to be working with each other. Heh? So we were basically going to replace the five of them. Oh...cool :] Alaa though wasn't too sure about that and spoke to Mr. Ziebarth about it.

My weekend basically consisted of talking to Charlie, zooming around on the laptop at times (I don't go on my computer a lot during the weekend), studying for math and a little bit of writing skills for the SAT, and watching TV. I snuck Casey into my room at night twice on Sunday night and Monday night :D Buahahha. Except Casey snores sometimes =/ Nya.

So on Monday, Presley texted me that we had a production meeting in the BBN room for lunch. Lunch? What time? We had school off on Monday because of Lincoln's birthday...right? I called her.

"Hey, um...you know for the production meeting?"

"Yeah?"

"What time is lunch?"

"...When the bell rings...?"

"...o.o...-confused- What time is that...?"

"I don't know...When the bell rings..."

"Erm...okay ^_^""" Thanks."

"Uh-huh."

-hangs up-

Crap...It was 10am. So it must be around passing period right? For 2nd to 3rd period. O_O

What if I was truant from school and I only THOUGHT today was a day off?

I remembered earlier that day my mom laughing how my cousin William accidentally went to school the previous Monday. And I was laughing to, but what if I was a joke and I missed school D; How embarrassing!!

So, I was freaking out for the next 10-20minutes. I called Kevin Ai's and Kevin Avent's house numbers. I didn't want to interrupt their class time just in case if they WERE in class if I called their cell phones. No answer. Dx What if they weren't home because they were at school!?!?? I thought about calling the school and asking if there was school today, but that would seem stupid and embarrassing as well. Perhaps I should call the school, sound like my mom and excuse myself from school as sick. Dx

My mom decided to go visit my aunt to play with Phuong Trinh (Elizabeth) and her Ong Ba Noi (our Ong Ba Ngoai is visiting in Viet Nam and isn't coming back until March). Luckily, my uncle had a laptop in his room where Phuong Trinh was sleeping. I immediately went on FVHS.com and checked the calendar: Lincoln's Birthday HOLIDAY...holiday? I called Presley.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Presley, It's Michelle."

"Oh, hey"

"Um...do we have school today?"

"No, no, no..."

"Oh, okay." And I told her my story.

Apparently, she meant tomorrow and forgot to include that in her text. Whew. (Tomorrow meaning Today o.o)

Charlie had school though :D Buahhahah Sucker. JK. I love him :3

So today, we had our little meeting during lunch for BBN. Andrew, Nick, Addi, and Me. It was time to separate our responsibilities, as Andrew put it. According to our conversation, Nick wanted to handle the production meetings and the cabinet with Sydnee, Addi wanted to do whatever and was sports manager, and Andrew, Presley, and I crashed heads into the position as executive producer for next year and episode producer for the next BBN. We decided to go into compromise and to switch off positions for the next BBN. Andrew and Presley were going to be episode producers, while I was the anchor's producer but still help do rounds (ask people to make sure they do their clips) and timeline (work on teh WHOLE BBN, which is what the episode producer does), Addi was sports manager, and Nick was cabinet (which isn't exactly executive staff...so......?). I was kind of disappointed, but that's okay. I was kind of jealous of Andrew and Presley though, saying they have already "shadowed" Jovo and the rest of the executive staff. So they basically know what they're doing. Dx Huh. I'll deal with it. Keep my head up.

I have to study for my APUSH Ch25 quiz now and do my Alg2 homework now...so I'll save the rest of the week for THIS weeks post o.o I think I should imitate Charlie...Post every Sunday. I was planning Wednesday, but yeah XP Whateverrrrrrr

Peace out :D yo

Michi

Pennies for Patients PSA script

"This is the script for my BBN PSA for Pennies for Patients."

- - - - -

This is your wallet. Maybe it looks like this. Either way…this is your wallet.

Let’s see what’s inside your wallet.

A couple pennies…some nickels, dimes and quarters; Let’s not forget those dollar bills.

This is a box…Not just any box.

Now if you see a white box with this logo on it in your fourth period class, I mean…It has to be telling you something, right?

Pennies for Patients… “eh?” … huh…

Imagine if every student and teacher donated all their spare change they never use. You can donate pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, dollar bills, as much as you wish to donate! All this change, added, up, will be sent to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to help fund research for the cure for cancer.

Here’s a bonus. The fourth period class who raises the most money in three weeks from the first day your box is delivered to your class will win a pasta party. That’s right, pasta.

So donate now to Pennies for Patients. Because your small change can make a big difference.

Retracting Back my Dark Corner

This week feels like...crap...

Of course, I don't really know what it really feels like to be a pile of poo...but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean.

I haven't felt like this in forever...

Everything at home just makes me feel so frustrated, angsty, upset...angry...yeah...

My brother pisses me off every single day with his annoyance. Everyone says, oh all siblings do that. It's the "typical sibling rivalry." This isn't the Full House show, where after there's a fight, you get a nice comfy hug. Since this is a journal, I mind as well be 100% be myself and mind. He's a total annoying bastard who should get a life...Seriously...I have my door locked...BANG BANG BANG BANG. Me: "What?" Him: "Let me in." Me: "Why?" Him: "Because." Me: "You don't need anything." Him: "Yes, I do. I forgot something in there." Me: "You're a bad liar." Him: "I swear!" -opens door- He comes into my room and walks out...or even worse, he comes in tries to grab one of my stuff and run out...or climb on my bed with his stinky feet or drooly face. Or my dad yelling at me or pushing me around like I'm an unanimous object to take his anger and stress out at. I think he thinks I'm ugly (my physique, my hair, etc...He always calls me fat and disses on my style and looks). Even worse, when my mom sees me all like eh, she gives me the bad attitude, which makes me feel more crappy.

Sometimes, I wish I could just runaway. I want to go to college soon. Get some years of relief away from home.

I spotted a flyer at school while heading to my guidance counselor to talk to about theatre about runaways, providing shelter for any runaway or such if there is a conflict at home, etc. I was curious to write down the information for later, just in case, but I didn't and I planned to go back later to right it down. I told Charlie about this, and I was surprised to hear that he wanted details on it, instead of opposing it. Not really what I expected.

I just feel so depressed and crappy so much lately, I kind of wanna shoot myself...like George did to Lennie in Of Mice and Men that we just finished reading in CP English 3. The other day when I was completely dead-spirited, I took two painkillers just to relieve the excruciating pain from the palm of my hands. I never took pills before during depression time, but after that, it feels like it's tempting to take them again. I was tempted to take the whole bottle without my parents looking, and keeping it just in case.

Charlie freaked and told me not to take the painkillers anymore, since he was scared of losing me, like the story he told me about a guy strangling himself and girl killing herself too (I forgot how it went).

I started of thinking, just like in the book Wintergirls to cut myself...Yeah, I said it: cut myself. I never cut myself before, but I felt/feel? so tempted. Perhaps it would hurt too much...Maybe that's the point, but, at least, I know now not to cut myself on the wrist (it's too obvious). I didn't though. "Michelle, I think you're overreacting," Charlie says.

Maybe I am... "I think you're PMSing," he says. Perhaps...

And I feel like such a jerk...IDIOTIC; I get angry and upset with myself. Stop it, Michelle! ...for thinking the stupidest things...but I just can't help it...

I was looking at Charlie's tagged photos the other day on Facebook and I spotted one of his really old pictures from 2007-08 (freshman year) and some comments from his ex-girlfriend Becca; so I went to stalk her on her page and her photos and what Charlie commented to her. A couple that seemed to get to me were:

Charliee Makika

dood u look hot :P

u should taake more pixies or ur self :D

ur pix is 2 shiny D: i can't see half of u >< (but i like the it's shiny :D)

July 31, 2007 at 5:49pm

Charliee Makika

lol alvin is kinda right xD cuz ur jux that hawt lol

September 17, 2007 at 2:10am

Beccaa Chuu Chuu

lol whos the cute 1 xD

September 16, 2007 at 3:53pm

Charliee Makika

BOTH OF U! lol but i like becca more :P lol

September 16, 2007 at 3:59pm

Charliee Makika

me and becca are always teh cutest! (except i'm not really and becca is really really cute♥)

Hot...(basically cute, pretty, beautiful...anything that goes under the same category...including sexy), I like her more, always the cutest, I'm pretty sure he said I love you to her too a lot, like I did with Dani, of course, I don't feel like I truly meant it as much as now, seeing all the stuff that happened between us. I didn't feel as significant anymore. I mean, I love him. I'm just...scared...jealous? upset, obviously... Why the heck am I thinking about this when we just got through one successful year together already...!?!? I don't know...-imagines self shooting brain out- Stupid mind... I feel like the worst girlfriend though still...thinking of all this. And it felt so tempting to think some more, but I got mad at myself and Charlie started being like >.> with me talking about it. Why are you so stupid, Michelle? Why can't I think of the positives of this relationship FOR ONCE!!?? I mean...I guess I do...but...-shrugs-

...I think I'm like completely obsessed with how Charlie's previous relationships went...especially Becca and him, since I am more familiar with it and I found her on Facebook...I was really determined to go through Charlie's WHOLE wall of older posts until I hit the beginning of 2009 when he broke up with Becca, just so I could look at their wall-to-wall (I also found this guy who was Becca's friend, named Kenny) and I looked at their conversation. I'm such a freak...

I wish Charlie was here...like seriously...maybe I wouldn't be worrying about all this stuff...maybe, maybe not...But I know he loves me...and I need to keep in mind (or rather, keep out of mind) that Charlie's past doesn't matter (and should go...poof :D).

I'm just scared, that one day, I might become another one of his ex's, which I hope in a million...billion...infinity and beyond years will never happen.

But maybe I'm just hanging on the so-called love I have already, just like my previous...But I don't want to think into depth about that...

I have finals coming up...Well, I AM having finals right now...Get out of school early :] Yay. English was easy and I hope I get a high or middle B in that class, Geometry is tomorrow...going to ace it as well as the class (then off the Algebra 2...thank gosh...), and APUSH and AP Studio Art 2D Design on Friday (classes with most hassle to study or prepare a portfolio for the final). :]

But I've been distracted a lot lately by stupid emotions/stress and the computer and internet.

The highlight of my week so far, standing oh so glamorous bright out of all the downers in this entry...perhaps just talking to Charlie, period, despite all the burdens of depression I have poured upon him D; Wahh...I'm sorry... is all I have to say over and over again. (TABOO WORD -smack- ...thank you :D)

I really HAVE to get the thought that I'm probably not that special of a girlfriend out of my head...I can't stop thinking about it...

Someone put me out of my misery =( I don't know how anyone can stand me being depressed like this...

Slip n' Jeans

Morning:

Mom: Wait...are you wearing my jeans?
Me: Yeah...I wore them yesterday to
Mom: I've been trying to find those all day yesterday! That's where they've been. There were new; I haven't even worn them yet!
Me: Mine are in the laundry!
Mom: Wear them only today, then give them back
Me: Okay

- - - - -

Going to Zero (REALLY wet rainy dark morning)

Me: -slipping on the wet concrete while in her ugg boots that have eroded down to flatness- I bet I'm going to fall sometime before lunch -walks into Ziebarth's room-
SLIP and FALL
Person: Are you okay!??!
Me: -gets up with difficulty because of the slippery floor- @_@ I'm OKAY! -walks to chair carefully without slipping again, embarassed-

- - - - -

Afterschool at home

Mom: She wore my jeans today! See! I haven't even worn them yet!
Dad: o.O
Me: I had no jeans -walking into the garage and by the time i get to the kitchen door, I change the subject- I fell today.
Mom: YOU FELL TODAY!??!? ON MY JEANS!?!?!
Me: ...o.o (in thought: crap...) uh...no o.o
Mom: Yeah, you did! I just heard you!
Me: uh...-takes off boots and walks in the house-
Alex: Stupid...
Mom: (from outside in the garage) CHANGE UR PANTS NOW
Me: I FELL IN THE CLASSROOM NOT OUTSIDE O.O
Mom: you ruined em =_=
Me: they look fine... o.O
Mom: change your pants
Me: okay okay okay...(-chnages and walks to kitchen to get a drink of water, with the door open to the garage, my mom can see me and shakes her head at me-; awkward...)

Detentions for FVHS Bikers Due to Lack of Parking

Lately, members of supervision staff have been hanging around the bike gates near Room 305, Mrs. Henderson’s room, for some unknown reason. I discovered today that a few of the bikes were labeled with green slips, which were detentions issued for “improperly parking” their bikes. As I gazed upon the few bike racks crowded and filled with bikes, I thought to myself, “Is this a joke? They can’t even fit their bikes into the racks anymore…There’s no more room.”

It isn’t fair for students to receive detentions due to the lack of bike parking because when there is a lack of parking, students have to improvise. I walked around the lot and observed every bike that had a green slip. They were all locked and standing upright to a fence, rack, or pipe. Although locking their bike to a pipe IS unsafe for the school, it lowers the risk of any students having their bikes stolen.

There just aren’t enough bike racks to properly park all of these valuable bikes.

Plus, another issue of this problem is the way supervision sent out the detentions. The green slips, which were taped to the bikes, stated a warning and asked the student bikers to go to office for a detention. One problem, supervision: any student could simply rip the paper off and go riding back home. Supervision labeled each bike that was “improperly parked” a detention, but they don’t know to whom it belongs to, or their student identification number. It seems like a poor way of punishing the students, unless the student was truly honest enough to go to the office after school to serve or complain about the detention.

At least supervision didn’t take their bikes away. Of course, that would be too much of a hassle. It’s not like we use our bikes in class. Seriously? Detentions for improperly parking bikes? If you want to stop the students from parking outside the bike racks or have the students get their bikes ruined or caught between other bikes, try to fund at least one or two more bike racks for the students. The Homecoming Dance is coming up and all that revenue raised from selling tickets could go to good use. It’s the least the administration can do.

FVHS BBN - Reflections 2009 PSA

- - - - -

October 1, 2009

Video 61:

FVHS BBN - Reflections 2009 PSA

So every year, we have an art contest called "Reflections" that is theme-oriented. This year's theme is "Beauty is..." We can enter as many entries in visual arts, photo, literature, film production, dance choreography, and music composition. I'm going to enter in all of the categories, except for dance. ANYWAYS, this is the PSA (public service announcement) I made for my school's BBN (Baron Broadcast News).

Anyhow.

Enjoy :D

Music:

"Beat on Classic" by Drawoh (From Newsgrounds Audio Portal)

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I Love Ya! Tomorrow!

Conversation with Charlie

Michelle Doan: hey! txt me bak if ur there :] HOPE U FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU GET UR WISDOM TOOTH PULLED OUT. I love youuuuuuuuu -heart-

Michelle Doan: btw the drawings for you, tanh, and hannah should have arrived yesterday or today by now so check up for that :] kk ttyl

Michelle Doan: (unless ur here)

Charlie Mai: i said it was tomorrow...

Michelle Doan: GOSH DARNIT

Michelle Doan: u said that yesterday

Michelle Doan: T.T

Michelle Doan: and the day before

Charlie Mai: o.o

Michelle Doan: i swore u did

Michelle Doan: u said...thursday

Michelle Doan: D;

Michelle Doan: no first wednesday then thursday....and now ur telling me friday

Charlie Mai: i said i found out its the next day.

Charlie Mai: it was never on wednesday...

Michelle Doan: tsh.....w/e i was being nice

Michelle Doan: D;

Michelle Doan: I TAKE IT BAK

Michelle Doan: >D

Michelle Doan: buahahhah

Charlie Mai: i love you lol

Michelle Doan: i love you -heart-

Charlie Mai: wow :]

- - - - -

Conversation with Tanh

Michelle Doan: charlie's getting his wisdom tooth pulled out today

Michelle Doan: nvrmind

Michelle Doan: he keeps telling me

Michelle Doan: tomorrow...

Tanh Truong: Tomorrow

Michelle Doan: and tomorrow

Tanh Truong: Ehh?

Michelle Doan: and tomorrow

Michelle Doan: he said tomororw on tuesa

Michelle Doan: tomorrow

Michelle Doan: yesterday

Tanh Truong: It's tomorrow isn't it?

Michelle Doan: now he's teling me tomorrow again

Michelle Doan: DX

Tanh Truong: LOL

Michelle Doan: like the WORD "tomorrow"

Michelle Doan: Charlie Mai: i said i found out its the next day.

Charlie Mai: it was never on wednesday...

Michelle Doan: tsh....w/e

Tanh Truong: lol