The Teenage Asian American Project

I've been making this my goal since freshman year of high school and I haven't really gotten to attempting it yet...I probably should soon, I have about two years of high school left before the goal deadline is over.

I made a goal to myself to make at least one full-length movie before I graduate. Sounds somewhat challenging, but I think I can do it. And I think I found some inspiration thinking about what it should be able today, while vacuuming the house (I know...weird time to find some inspiration, huh?). I want to make a movie based on the life (lives?) of the teenager Asian-American (maybe more specific...like the first generation Vietnamese-American, such as myself).

I didn't want it based all about me though, I wanted stories to connect with each other...Then I thought, maybe I'll get some of my first generation-Vietnamese and other Asian-American friends and peers to help me create a script.

This is going to be a little project I will attempt at doing to help me start writing the script for my movie. I'm going to get those people to write me a story or essay, I don't care, about their lives as an Asian American. It doesn't matter how long it is and they don't have to put their names. I'm not expecting a melodramatic story. I expect someone to be honest for me to write an accurate script as possible. It could somewhat be like what Nuran did last year for the Baron Banner blogs--Truth. Something where they could write about anything personal and such anonymously. Hard to explain...maybe it's just me.

That will be my basis for now for the movie.

I'll call it...The Teenage Asian American Project (TTAAP).

In My Dreams...

In my dreams, there is a guy...one I wish would exist in my life...one who will...

• have the guts to come up to me face-to-face and ask me out...
• commit to the relationship as much as I would at least...
• sing car karaoke with me without any care in the world...
• dance with me at prom or a ball...or my wedding
  
• be gentle, friendly, and honest with me so that I will not be afraid to talk to...
• not be clueless and notice when somethings wrong...
• reassure me that he cares and loves me...and hopefully, at least once, that he will go above and beyond what is expected to achieve that goal...
  
• take interest in what my life is like as I will take interest into his...
• watch the stars with me at night while laying on the wide empty field of grass...
• have a good relationship with my parents and will have parents whom I will have a good relationship with too...
• appreciate having a dog...
• always be open for a hug, even at random times (I hug almost everyone)...
  
• make the first move...
• have more guts to talk to me about personal things face to face rather than on the phone, or especially on IM chat/texting...
• not be overly-sensitive if I tease him, unless reasonable...
• be my best friend and my boyfriend (and maybe even more later on in life) at the same time...
• try to make me happy
• be the one who I will be proud and happy to call mine...

He would be almost good to be true and obviously, not everyone is perfect...But I can dream...and I wish somewhere in my lifetime, I would meet such a guy. I wish.

Holiday Cheer

Vietnamese Terms:

-Chi: Older sister/female cousin
-Anh: Older brother/male cousin
-Co: Aunt on Dad's Side
-Di: Aunt on Mom's Side

Hey! It's been...almost a month since I last posted an official journal that isn't a survey, etc.

Happy (belated or not) Chrimahanukwanzakah! or Happy Holidays :3 -sing- And a Happy New Year!

This year, we did something different, I had my family Christmas party on Christmas Eve instead, since I guess my cousin who's visiting from Medical School in Minnesota will be busy on Christmas party at her house.

So this year, theres:
-Tony & Chi Phuong (the one that's visiting from Med School)
-Chi Phuong's bf Marcos
-Belle & Chi (Tony's dad's side)
-Johnny
-Chi Trang, Anh Nai, Anh Gon
-Chi Trang's bf Kenny

My cousins Elbert, Natalie, & William always spend Christmas in Texas or San Jose and this year, my cousin Hang and in-law Thai (and sweet little Ethan) are spending Christmas in Arizona with Thai's family. So the party is smaller this year. Plus, my little nieces and twin nephews, Jessica and Jasmine, and Jason and Jacob, usually come, but they aren't anymore (sadly).

Thanksgiving is usually the biggest family reunion of the year. I don't know where we're spending New Years this year, maybe at my house again (we usually spend special holidays at my house).

ANYWAY...

My parents didn't want us to open all our presents, so my cousin opened all their's while Alex and I only opened 2-3 presents and saved the rest for Christmas morning (I never opened presents Christmas morning before I always wait in the afternoon with my cousins for the party each year).

I decided to open the biggest box first. It was like the size of one of those computer thingys that sit next to your monitor or under your desk. It was huge o.O so I opened it. Inside the box was... Elmo Live.

Reactions:
Mine - O_O
Johnny (who helped me open it) - omg lol

Also inside the box was a couple books I wanted for Xmas and...a big Pikachu plushie taht looked just like the one from my room...hmm this looks familiar, especially since it's not in my room at the moment...WAIT A MINUTE! My parents put it in there to take up space...lol But the center of attention was the Elmo Live. My family kept watching it, neglecting their gifts as they stared and was mesmorized by the dancing and talking Elmo. It was so funny. But after awhile, I've grown to love it My favorite story Elmo tells is about his encounter with the giant :]

"Hey! Elmo has a story to tell you!
-sits down and crosses his legs- Hmmm...Oh! I know!

One day, Elmo was walking down Sesame Street, when all of a sudden, he heard someone say: "FI FI FO FUM! I smell a little monster!"
Elmo was scared. -hand touches chin and shivers-
Elmo looks up -tilts his head up-
...and up -even higher-
...all the way up! -looks up at the ceiling- Whoa-ha-ha! (me: cracking up)
It was a giant!
Elmo screamed! AHHHHHH!!!! -flaps arms and screams up to the ceiling-
But then...the giant screamed too! AHHHHHH!!! -same thing-
Elmo said: "Hey! What are you screaming for? You're a BIIIIG giant!"
The giant said: "But I'm scared of little red monsters."
Elmo and the giant look at each other. -looks up a the ceiling-
And then we laugh for being so silly! Ahahahahahha.
Elmo had so much fun that day with his new friend!
The End!

Elmo loves that story!"

Hahahha.

All of my presents:
-Set of 84 Gel Pens (from Mom)
-Elmo Live!
-Books: (from Dad)
::The Tales of Beedle the Bard (JK ROWLING)
::Th1rteen R3asons Why (Jay Asher)
::The Things They Carried (Tim O'Brien)
::Marley & Me (John Grogan)
::The Memory Keeper's Daughter (Kim Edwards)
::Sarah's Key (Tatiana Rosney)
::Ever (Gail Carlson Levine)
::Fairy Haven and the Quest for the Wand (Gail Carlson Levine)
::The Long Walk (Stephen King)
-Vietnamese Books: (from Co Thu)
::Snow White & the 7 Dwarves
::The other two, I can't tell what the title's mean
-Cute black dress (from Chi Trang)
-Toe socks (from Bianca)
-Socks and a photo frame (from Chi Phuong)
-Scrapbook and scrapbook items (from Chi Hang and Thai)
-A brown puffy vest that looks almost like the one I have already (from Di Oanh)
-Black hand purse that I gave to my mom (from Di Hong)
-Pink thermal-like longsleeve shirt (from Dad)

On New Year's day, Tony and I are going to go to our friend Zong Wei's house for a club potluck. KFC's gonna be there too And Cindy. And other bando friends (club is like 80% bando xD...maybe 90%).

I think I've typed too much. So I'm signing out now. :] Have a great winter break!

Cursed Journal

Way back before the Baron Banner, before blogging in freshman year to this year as a sophomore, I used to keep a journal. It was one of those spiral notebooks with a fancy looking cover, I put an elephant sticker on it to make it look more cute. That was my daily journal, in which I kept all my thoughts in, and I never showed anyone. Not even my best friends.

These were the times where hormones start coming on and when my mood swings started. 8th grade, the year in which I considered the worst from start to end. I wasn't used to talking to people about my problems a lot, because I didn't want people to know I was feeling depressed or sad, just happy. And if I really really wanted to express it, like on my ex-Myspace account, I would leave confusing status messages only I would understand.

I wrote in the journal every single day as much as I could when I was in a writing mood. I wrote about what I did in the day, I ranted in it when I felt angry, went to the journal when I was depressed, anything.

Sooner or later, it got to a point where the journal began to drive me nuts, leading me to overthink issues, questioning myself without anything consulting to me back. It was like containing all my emotions into a bottle or a balloons, filling it more and more with air or maybe bees or any kinda of bug, that sooner or later, there's too much to hold inside and the balloon wants to pop, or the bugs barely have enough room or air to breathe in the bottle, they begin to go crazy and hallucinate...Well, you get it.

As for me, I went emo. And as much as I didn't want people to know how I felt, I didn't want people to know I was emo. So I didn't show it off, dressed all in black, etc. I wanted to kill myself, run in front of a car. Suicidal. And that's all I wanted to think. I didn't want to live anymore.

Until one day, I finally had the guts to talk to a close friend about it, and she became somewhat like a psychiatrist for me. That's how it was all year, whenever I had something to talk about (and I had much to talk about to her, good or bad), I went to her for advise, her consultation, just for her to listen. And I stopped writing in my journal.

By the end of 8th grade, I still had those mood swings and now, but I wasn't suicidal anymore, and I wasn't going nuts, keeping it all in. I looked at my old journal, in which I used to go to for comfort every single day in 8th grade, at the end of the school year in the summer. I took a sharpie and scribbled in "CURSED JOURNAL" on every single page.

Later on in my freshman year, I found my old journal again and looked through it. What a different I was like in writing. And what a different person I was like then and now. I did not wish to cherish this memory though. The next day, I handed the journal to my friend and asked her to burn it or dispose of it somehow. And after that, I never saw it again.

When I started the Baron Banner Blogs, I was uneasy about starting something like a journal again, but it's probably the best things that's helped me let things off my chest. I felt free, open, and honest to express myself just like any other journal. It was public too and my loyal peers gave me great advise and comfort to my blogs, and I felt similarity when others write about problems similar to mine.

From now on, I've gotten myself to avoid trying to bottle up all my emotions into a bottle. In the end, the emotions will fly around out of control if they become too much to handle all by myself.

Unexplainable Passion

December. "The Greatest Time of the Year" as Aly & AJ titled their song for the holidays two years ago for the Santa Claus movie with Jack Frost.

There's an unexplainable feeling whenever Christmas, just the spirit of it, makes me really psyched for the holidays to come. I enjoy the decorations at the mall, Christmas tree decorating and gift wrapping, and the best thing is giving gifts to my friends and family.

This month, I look forward to Disneyland with my bando and orchestra friends, Christmas, the day before Winter break to give presents to my friends, and ice skating with NHS and OpS (Operation Smile). Too bad some of my close friends can't go to the ice skating thing, but at least there's still Disneyland. I actually get to march with the other guys at Disneyland too. I'm so excited. All year, I've been wanting to get in that uniform again, mainly to have that same feeling, I get when I'm on the football field, performing in front of the hundreds of people and the judges. It's like a satisfied feeling, and from the first tournament to the last tournament, I had that small depression I tried to hide at the back of my mind, so it wouldn't cause a burden. I wanted to be happy for everyone, and I was.

(This is the part where I start drifting off into another subject). I wrote a little bit about my weird happiness for the guys their first tournament. So happy, I cried a bit, but I wiped the tears away quickly. And when Kevin and David stacked their shackos (hats) on my head, it made me miss it so much. But that's life. The last competition I got to see was at Trabuco Hills. Instead of buying a ticket to sit out in the audience and watch all the other bands perform as well. I helped the pit, as I started to do the 3rd competition. We pushed the pit equipment all the way around the track as Upland High School marched onto the field to get ready to start their show. After setting up the equipment on deck, I watched the pit girls running around hugging each other good luck. I was mesmorized by the Upland marchers marching on the turf, and being so close to the corner of the turf field myself, I wanted to know what it was like to march on it again, but it wasn't the same. The turf was more rubbery in the middle of the field. I stared up at the judge's box for a minute and imagine and flashback myself performing Fusion at RCC, Madera, Finals, etc. last year. I couldn't grasp that same feeling.

But it was weird, while standing there about to push the pit equipment again for Fountain Valley performing next, I felt a nervous feeling as if I, myself, were going to perform. But I wasn't, that's the crusher. I wasn't performing. Again, I tried to contain my tears, but i ended up shedding a tear or two anyways. But I ended up trying to put that feeling and thought at the back of my mind again, after Fountain Valley came on the field and set up. I was up and about, going back and forth video-recording the band for a band music video, and I lost focus of the show, so I couldn't get a deep feeling about it.

Wearing that uniform on Tuesday at Disneyland is the closest thing I've got to being a part of the band again, as if I were going to go on the field again, but its just marching around Disneyland. Not so bad, it's just not so intense as marching on the football field.

I don't think I'm going to try to get Wampler to attempt to pull me out of PE, though, to get me into 2nd semester concert band. I think I'll use my 2nd semester to try to get straight A's or at least one B. I would say this is karma, for being such a forgetful, sometimes procastinating, person. But Christmas spirit keeps my hopes up.

Raining Joy

I've heard of people being so happy, they cried with joy, but I never really experienced it myself...It was weird...I was close to crying...but I wasn't depressed, I was so filled up with happiness, so excited...even more since...I don't know...I was just SO happy for them...I felt tears in my eyes.

I rode to Chino Hills to Ayala High School on Saturday with my cousin Tony (graduated last year and was in the FVRR marching band), and my friends Tom, Kevin, Denise, and their mom. The band was having their first WBA competition of the season and, although I've been to their rehearsals on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I couldn't wait to see their show in the competition up in the bleachers. Right when we arrived at the school, we went to find the band and there practice spot and I was dashing off to greet the bandos good luck and see my friends.

We later left the band to warm up to get our seats in the bleachers with the other bando parents fron Fountain Valley. We came early enough to watch at least all of the 5A performances (at least Tony really wanted to). I was only going to wait until after the FVRR performance, then go hang out with them.

The band was on deck to perform after Arcadia high school. When Arcadia came on, I was thinking, oh my gosh, this is almost like last year's championships and finals with James Logan High school, but they were smaller. They still took up almost all of the football field though and had very small intervals (they even had trombones, how difficult to march with such small intervals). Because of such a large number of student marchers on the field, I guess that's the reason why they had their director be their only drum major, compared to the other bands and their student drum majors. James Logan High School although had student drum majors and was so big, they had a freshman band AND a regular band. And they STILL took up most of the football field! Crazy!

I was shaking and pulling on Denise's arm as I pointed at our band. "Our band's coming up next!!! I can't wait!" I was so impatient and anxious I was shaking all over, especially at my legs. Tom, Tony, and I bought an airgram for our friend Zongwei when they walk out on the field. We were always in band and never bought an airgram before, so we were confused how to do it. We decided to send him and inside band joke from last year's Fusion show, where Tony and his friend James made up lyrics with part of the 3rd movement of Fusion, which created Zongwei's new theme song. The message said: "To Zongwei. From Tom, Tony, and Michelle. Zongwei, he is the section leader. He will bite your head off. Watch out for his [piccalo.]" It was so hilarious and Denise and I screamed our throats out as the band came on. I made sure not to step on the funnel cake I laid down in front of me (I was plannig to save it to give to the bando's to eat afterwards).

(written and unfinished on October 9, 2008)

Hallow's Eve Dress Up Time

For awhile this month, I was thinking what to be this year. I wanted to be creative and something pretty cool, compared to just wearing my martial arts uniform.

OH! I got my brown belt yesterday! I am so happy =] Yay. The next test for my brother and I will be in six months now rather than the usual three since it's takes longer to learn and know all the things for brown/red/black belts for the belt tests. Next test, I hope I can break the real thick one-inch, instead of the half-inch. I asked for one-inch, but couldn't break it (I need to kick harder). Oh, I was doing the flying sidekick. I kept falling and landing on the guys holding the board. Haha >_<

Back to the subject. I knew I was going to be Tohru from Fruits Basket next summer for Anime Expo when I grow out my hair and get my mom to help me make my outfit (AND I CAN HOLD STUFFED ANIMALS; I need to find an orange cat, purple mouse, and a tiger stuffed animal...). But it wouldn't be so fun doing it at school. So then I thought today during dinner, randomly.

I could be a white tiger!! I love tigers =] And dragons. I could get my mom to help me with the outfit.

Make:
-White hat with pointy roundish ears (white on outside/behind; pink or black inside/front?)
----[if my brown hat with ears doesn't match; if that fails, i can always get a headband or something and make ears and stick them in my hair]
-White long gloves with pink paw prints and black stripes
-White tshirt with black stripes
-White pants with black stripes (my mom used to sew custom pjs for me =])
-White tail (how do i do that?)

Have:
-boots (yay i have those!)
-

Need:
-Light blue eye shadow :3
-Black facepaint for stripes and whiskers on face (sharpie=no no)
-pink? (ill just just use my marker maybe =]) for nose

Band this year is marching in their costumes for the home game. I cant wait to watch that. I heard the clarinet section is dressing up as Pacman hahahah