I feel like just laying on the ground or something...laying there dead and thoughtless. Maybe just hunched in a corner or a shell under my blanket where the walls can't see me or where no one can bother me...Nothing can get in...
And as I know already from my dad...I'm a disappointment...To me...I'm worthless...
We were almost there...ALMOST THERE! An inch before we reached the parking lot of our Hapkido studio when I made an outburst, "What?!" to my brother because he mentioned "small ears" once again. And lately, that comment has been jumping around more than ever, especially from my dad and brother...It got on my nerves. My dad goes, "What's wrong?!" I go how I don't like it how they keep talking about my small ears like that teasing me because it was getting to me. I thought he might understand...FJKSALJFKSDJF ...I hate him...He went straight on passed the studio...pissed off at my attitude...
"We're taking a day off...I need to talk to you...especially you..." referring to me.
To me...in my mind, "WHY THE HELL DO YOU NEED TO TALK TO ME?!?! YOU DON'T F****ING CARE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY! I CAN'T EVEN GET ANGRY WITHOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE!"
He tells me how I disappoint him in everything...my attitude (especially towards my brother), my grades (all A's, 1 B in health, and B- in biology..I'M TRYING?!?!)...on and on...My attitude...I've been happy, nice, funny and all this crap and he only points on my bad sides when I'm on tense moods...GEE! I'M SORRY! LOOK AT YOU ALWAYS BURSTING LIKE A VOLCANO. DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ALWAYS BURST LIKE THIS TOO AND NEVER WANT TO HEAR SH*T ABOUT ME IF IT'S "NOT IMPORTANT."
AHHHH! He tries to tell me how I'm his first child and how ....I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER! about how he's been going easy on me...letting me join band all this stuff that he didn't let Alex have or do...
But he doesn't care any crap about me truly...he doesn't care what I do...he only wants to hear or notice what he wants to hear. I GET PARANOID WHEN I GET LOW GRADES AND I HARD NOT TO GET THOSE GRADES TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! I TRY TO DO NICE THINGS FOR YOU AND TRY TO BE NICE SOMETIMES, BUT WHY DO YOU F*CKING CARE!?!? YOU ONLY CARE IF I F*CKING GO ALONG WITH MY LIFE PLAN SO YOU CAN BE HAPPY. YOU THINK I'M SELFISH! I FRKING THINK OF OTHERS BEFORE MYSELF AND I'M DAM SORRY IF MY BROTHER IS ALWAYS TRYING TO BE A NUISANCE CALLING ME LOSER AND HASNO REASON TO BOTHER ME TO TICK ME OFF SO OFTEN. WHY AM I SO NICE TO MY FRIENDS AND NOT MY BROTHER!?!? I'm TRYING BUT ALL THIS CRAP ISN'T MAKING IT ANY EASIER!
I hate all these threats and I thought maybe parents' lectures were supposed to help...Dam with that because this is my way of my dad lecturing me and my brother sometimes. Bring out the stick...or the belt or just damn shout at us about his needs like how he works all day and he gets out of bed for us and how he wants my brother and i to love each other and how when he dies it'll be just my brother and i. and how i could just run away if i want cuz that's not teh daughter he wants...basically who i am now...
AND IF YOU WERE REALLY PROUD OF ME WhEVER YOU BRAGGED ABOUT MY TALENTS TO OTHER PEOPLE, WHY DON"T yOU F*CKING GO UP AND TELL THAT TO ME 1ST. "uh huh." "That's nice" "IM busy!" Your work is more important than my needs. you don't come to 1 damn band performance cuz i wanted you to see how much i worked...but you were too busy thinking "we have to buy a ticket?!" "were busy!" YOURE JUST HOME DOING NOTHING BUT STUFF ON UR COMPUTER! AND STOP THREATENING ME ABOUT HOW UR NOT GONNA LET ME JOIN BAND JUST SO I CAN DO WHAT U SAY.
STOP LOOKING AT MY BAD SIDES AND AT LEAST LOOKAT ALEX WHO'S ALWAYS BEING LAZY AND IMMATURE CALLING ME LOSER OR BEING A NUISANCE ONCE IN AWHILE. I AT LEAST TRY TO BE RESPONSIBLE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM. HE CRIES OF EVERYTHING HE CANT GET OR DO. HE WHINES OR CIRESTOO WHEN HE GETS PUNCHES ON THE SHOULDER AND ALL THIS CRAP CUZ HE'S A WIMP. calls me losser once in awhile as a habit now and it gets annoying and he runs off like a stupid idiot. AND COMPARE ME TO MY COUSINS...about their grades..ESPECIALLY TONY AND EVERYONE ELSE OLDER...and about how they treat their sisters and brothers right..I AM SO SORRY!?!?!MAYBE IS ALEX TREATED ME THE SAME WAY ONCE IN AWHILE, I WOULDN"T SCREAM AT HIM TO GET OUT OT MY ROOM! id run away if i want to escape all this, but what sh*t will that do. but of course...you don't care about my needs...i could cry all i want in my bed to myself..but i would rather let it all out....
now all i feel like doing is just laying on the ground or my bed, blankminded....cuz i feel tired letting all this stress and anger out already...
1 comment:
It's hard to connect with parents sometimes.
My parents threatened to take me out of the Baron Banner a few times before, and in the back of my mind,
"When was the last time you even looked at the newspapers we publish, and all the hard work that I've put into it? And all you can think of is taking me out when you don't even understand what you're about to do?"
We all have to learn to stand up tall in the face of whatever comes at us.
Stay strong, Michelle. You're doing your best, and that's all that anyone can ever expect of you. Some people don't even try.
But sometimes, it's all we can do to keep from screaming out loud. Writing in CAPS can relieve stress like no other. And it gets you in a hell of a lot less trouble than yelling at your parents.
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