"Ignore all grammar and spelling mistakes in this."
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im not sure if its my nighttime stress that's taken control of me once again...
or its just me but i feel all worried and that things aren't the way i expected them to be...or that once again...this could all be a game of deja vu or a lil seep or the bad side ive always been revealed everytime this happens... . iunno... even when i just try to put it aside becuz i think its just another pointless thing to think about, i cnat help thinking its coming bak to haunt me again in a way. i hate myself for this stress. ad yet i try restraining myself from all this depression and anger at night...i dont think it's working despite all my hype >.> im still confused what to do. im here now....what do i do next? what's supposed to happen? what if it's not wat it seems? course, i should stop asking myself questions to make more stress... i keep telling myself to forget....but things just cant help me do that. And when I find out other stuff, makes me think...oh no.... ugh... my mind's just all confused right now. i feel like talking to someone, at the same time, I just feel like putting it all away in a shell i tend to hid in when dealt with all these problems now... cuz i can't stand making others worry for me or iunno....again burdening other stuff...but....im not a burden...i know that....a thousands times ive been told that....and yet....i keep having paranoia about being stressed or depressed all this crap and expressing it. drives me nuts. at the same time, i feel like my depression has always gotten in the way of something that was so pointless. and guessing would always get me.....iunno...like someone is going to mess up before me. ...i don't know what i want... and i again i feel its just me and.....like i dont have that feeling that if i disappear, people won't care or notice....i know they will and care...but iunno....if i dont wnat to kill myself....sigh...being happy doesn't seem to get me anywhere. optimistic UGH i hate myself for this =_+ maybe its the nighttime stress i have when i think too much tonight....maybe.... ill forget all about it in the morning....then again....it'll be a mask...wont it? i feel so frking angry and ...iunno depressed right now....becuz no matter how hard i try to be happy and to make others happy by putting a smile on
or...doing stuff to show i care...i dont know.....i always feel like im being left behind somehow.......im not sure....maybe its attention..... its attention...it's always been attention...i WANT attention at the same time, i dont want to attract it......and yet....iunno i yearn for it and let those to be the seeker in my hide and seek game....how deja vu is that line? i believe i said this again in my previous blogs.....-shrugs- its the same feeling i cant get over....something that pulls be bak in a way...and i cant seem to come to a decission or conclusion, i wish to blame myself and i don't want to include anyone into, but...UGH but this but that....IM SO UNDECISIVE! im not even sure if that's a word.... I am not going to be emo. i am not going to be emo...never emo. i just feel so....left out in a way...i dont know....or just -shrugs-...and at the time....i dont want anyone to know i think that....to put my mask of happiness on and go running along like nothings wrong with me, so no one's worried and be themselves. i feel like just crying under a blanket in a corner along where no one can bother me cuz i know the walls will stare at me too and know and if i dont cry...i guess ill just sit there...thinking to myself...until i know that i don't need to think all this, but then again....ill probably put on another mask and come bak out like nothing's happened but i didn't want anyone to read this either. but w/e nothing's with me...its just night time stress. so don't bother asking wats wrong cuz i probably won't answer.
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