I feel happy, calm, and, at the same time, trying to pull myself through a crowd of depression, anger, and or stress. I'm not exactly any of those negativities, maybe depressed a bit at times, but I try to deny it and hide it. But I guess, my friends end up pushing it out of anyway, whether I like it or not. I don't know why I keep denying the fact that it's alright to talk to my friends about my problems and that I won't be such an annoyance or burden, always going to them with my simple or complicated problems...on and on... I start feeling bad. And somehow, I end up taking things, even jokingly to mind at times, like when one friend was like "he doesn't want to talk to you because you are always depressed," which he was joking about, but I guess I took it deep into mind. I shouldn't have done that...but I couldn't help it. I began, even before that, getting angry at myself for getting depressed after awhile when I became stressing more along my 8th grade year to now. Distracting myself, which I do best, changing the subject, which I am so habited and expertised at doing now, is all I can do to get my mind off something. I was told to forget about the stress, which I keep telling everyone, and, yet, I couldn't have seemed to do it myself: forget--the absence of thinking. Again, I tell myself. Lately, I've been having...attention yearnings in a way >.> I begin to feel left out easily. And I feel like I care about others before myself a lot. Which gets me worried a lot and when I start to feel left out at times, I feel like I'm being selfish. But I try not to say anything. I try to keep to myself, because I didn't want them to worry and I didn’t want them to get annoyed by another one of my stupid pointless problems. At the same time, as I tell myself, I get depressed and, yet, at times, I play a game of hide-and-seek. But not this time...I just try not to get anyone to know I'm sad...but I guess it's not working. I'm not completely sad. I'm having some spots of depression, but I'm fine. Nothing's wrong with me. But that's what I always say. And they always seem to see past that.
3 comments:
(oops my bad...)
I relate to your situation completely...
i guess i have also been quite an attention whore subconsciously; acting a little bit different/sad in a way because you are too afraid to actually go up to people to talk to them, but instead wanting people to notice in hopes that they may come up to you to ask what's wrong... =\
It still doesnt work for me because im scared to actually tell people thing... hahaha
Yeah. I sadly agree with you, tong and michelle.
The way I see it is that I want to keep my sorrows and problems away from people because I wouldn't want to have them feel the same way or burden them with my personal feelings.
But then again, I'm a guy, and most guys try to hold in their feelings. It's natural.
But I do act differently sometimes in an attempt to get attention; to get someone to say "Is something wrong?". I suppose it never works because there's always that other half of me telling me that trying to gain attention that way isn't right. Even if someone does ask, I say "Just fine. Nope, nothing's wrong. Why do you ask?"
Oh well.
Depression comes and goes.
Hides and lingers.
Leaves and returns.
Such is life.
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