Sunday, April 20, 2008

Deja Vu

Equals? ...I don't want to write muchright now....because I'm not much in a writing mood...my mind's all mixed around. I feel guilty now for my feeling selfish in my depression. I just...don't like being depressed. And I don't want to make Kevin feel bad just because of all this and my crazy stupid thoughts. I guess I always I always bag on myself, as Zack says to himself, and I care too much about others. It just bugs me when I makepeople feelbad, pity me, or suffer more or less thn me at all. (i.e. Alice). So I haven't talked to Kevn yet...I should...I'll try on Monday...if I can get it out, but I don't know what to say... >_<>
I mean...I LIKE Kevin a lot. But maybe its just deja vu all over again with everyone else with a "HA! GOT YOU AGAIN MICHELLE!" Gosh, I hate my emotions...I'm such stupid idiot and I don't think I ever learn my lesson. Because it keeps smacking me back in the face. I hate blaming others when I have problems...so I always end up blaming everything on me. I mean...I started it all...I'm always the problem of everything. I wish I could just distract myself and be happy...but it's not working...again...for the millionth time.....................oh god..........right now I have to restrain myself from going back to my 8th grade almost emo period.....cuz I feel like everyone things deja vu again...in a different form, no matter how happy I was...or was I? Maybe it was just a completely mask.......I need to avoid all this relationship/love stuff........for more than a year or two...a couple months will not do....I don't remember if I said this before...but since I never was in a relatoinship for 3 months...that.....easier I suppose (I swear...I reember typing this line from somewhere...too lazy to look back at my previous entries)....Since there was nothing...I feelterrible. I'm sorry for my less organized deep writing...just read my previous post to learn more....


Conclusion: I feel guilty...I feel bad for my selfishness...I feel depressed....terrible.........all that stuff.... and I could avod the subject as much as I want being myself....I just can't do it...Deja Vu.......................


This keeps smacking me back in the face and everything back keeps coming back to me....thoughts or just events....anything.... And despite everything good, honestly right now


I hate my life....

1 comment:

Zack said...

Ok Michelle, take a deep breath and hear this.

You are not as half as bad as you think you are. In fact, you're not at all as bad as you think you are.

You are not selfish. You are nowhere near selfish. I think that it's incredibly incredible that you would actually even think that you are. You have NO IDEA how selfish people are and how selfish people can be. You, Michelle, are not selfish.

I understand what you mean when you say,
"It just bugs me when I makepeople feelbad, pity me, or suffer more or less thn me at all."
I can understand that it bugs you, but here's the thing – I don't mind and I don't think anybody else does either. Nobody is blaming you for making them feel bad or accusing you of forced pity. Pity is a positive emotion, not a negative one, and you are not making anybody feel bad themselves. It should feel awkward, but it should go no further than that. It's ok to keep a check on yourself, but to start bagging about it isn't right.

On that note, it's perfectly alright (and I would maybe even a little healthy) to bag on yourself from time to time. Nobody's sitting at their computer and shaking their head thinking how crazy you are. So don't worry about it. And realize this: there are actually times when it really is alright to blame someone else. I'm not saying this is one of those times, and I'm not saying that it's always alright, but sometimes it is.
For example (this won't be a very good one), when I play doubles in tennis if we ever loose a match I always blame myself, not my partner. I always say that I could have done better and that had I done so we would have won. About a week ago, I played a match with (someone) who wouldn't listen to any of my advice. He would stand in the middle of the court at the net post and let balls fly past him to his right and his left. I stood on the base line (in the back) and had to cover him from everywhere. It was impossible for me to do it, no matter how hard I tried. We lost terribly. I started to criticize my game and I felt terrible because we had lost to two guys who we were a lot better than (we're on JV and one of the guys was on FroshSoph). After feeling terrible for a while, I realized that had he listened to me we would have most definitely won. He made up the difference, not me. This was one of those times when it was ok to blame someone else. I later learned that some of the other guys on the team felt the same way.

It's okay to take the blame off yourself when you're really not the one to blame. After that, it's only really bad if you hold it against them. I don't want to play with that partner again for a while, but that doesn't mean we're not friends anymore or that we won't play again eventually. So I guess what I'm trying to say (which took me long enough) is that you shouldn't feel guilty. I honestly don't think you have anything to really feel guilty about.

So Michelle – don't feel guilty, you're not selfish, and nobody's criticizing you for bagging on yourself (quite the reverse).

Don't feel like a stupid idiot.
Some of us are stupid idiots.
Those of us who are stupid idiots don't know they're stupid idiots.
You are not a stupid idiot.

As for feeling depressed, I don't have much advice there. I wish I did. If I knew how to fix feeling depressed I'd write a book about it and become a gazillionaire. Alas, I don't know. I can say that the key to feeling better is to start feeling better. I hope that helps.