Sucked out to Neutrality

I feel like I've let it all burst out...so much, I feel really blank minded right now in feelings. I try to think about it, but the feelings don't flow. Neutral. Makes it hard for me to think what am I supposed to think or do. I acted normal I suppose today hanging out with the guys (Kevin and other Kevin). It's not like we did much, we just talked and walked Casey was all. I didn't feel depressed at all...but I suppose I had neutral feelings towards him. Weird...I guess that's what happens when I stress a lot. But I suppose it was my dad that got the 'on' switch turned back on me...a bit...my dad's being a overprotective worrywart all over again....don't want to talk about it right now...but I suppose right now...I guess I just miss the dream I was in...even if it never existed. Go on with life...I told myself and Alice I would talk to Kevin about it...I'm not really sure what to say...or...iunno, and I guess I don't really want to screw up the friendship as I think I said before or like...I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Say hi or not tomorrow morning. Act myself?

Question: What is myself? This neutrality drives me nuts even though I don't feel it, because my mind is too tired for thoughts. I think to myself a hug is the last thing I need. But I think honestly...what I really miss is the dream...wish it was real...I mean...who wouldn't? Not me...And, I guess, all I really want to have someone in my life who actually TRUELY liked me back more than just friends, if you know what I mean. And at the moment, a really meaningful hug from that someone.

But I bet on Monday at school, it's gonna come back to me...and I'll be confused as heck as I am now...Because I can't just avoiding this...sigh...He's just my friend and I'll keep being a friend back to him as I always have, but yeah...I'm not even sure if this depression is even worth it anymore...

I feel like a vacuum has sucked out all my emotions right now, because despite all I'm saying, I have no flow of feeling right now. Pure blank feelings and neutrality...bleh...