"My friend Alice a long time ago told me that when you wake up, you could write down everything you could remember from a dream or a nightmare like a dream journal before you forget it."
- - - - -
After a good day's work of working on the new Life's MapleSyrup website, finishing it's foundation, I thought I could sleep "early" for once today...or rather...take a break. I told everyone I left to sleep at 11...but I was still awake reading Fruits Basket until around 12ish then I decided I wanted to hit the haystack for real...
I turned off my computer and I go to my bed...deciding not to sleep on my bed and just go outside and probably sleep secretly with my dog Casey in the house on the couch or something...So I slept with Casey for a bit out in the family room on the LazyBoy recliner chair...But my eyes were open...
Is it possible to sleep with your eyes open? But I was "day dreaming" at the same time...Another deja vu dream...where it bothers me enough that it makes me want to cry because it feels real...death...
Parents dying and...me being at school...covering it all up in front of my friends with my happiness...Somehow...just thinking about it...made me feel frustrated...everything felt frustrated...even if it wasn't real, thoughts ran through my head...am I just wanting attention? Why don't I tell them what happened? They probably don't notice a thing through my happy-go-lucky mask...Do they?...AGHHH...I'm asking for attention...am I really this selfish...is this selfishness or is it just me?
Dreaming me taking care of my bro while they're gone...me crying over their death...
But the thing that felt like a familiar chill everytime I go to a band tourney or rather a concert or anywhere where the band parents were there to support their kids...there was me, staring at a bunch of parents and siblings congradulating and supporting their child at a football game? a band tourney? Settings are strange in dreams...but...I couldn't keep my eyes off of them...and that chill went down me again. "Stop staring at them...look away..." I kept telling myself...I wanted it... "Stop looking..." I wanted it... "Look away" Why did you have to go?
I looked away... Was I only finding a way out of the pain...escaping the truth...being happy? looking away...but after, I just led my brother back into the bleacher stands and putting back on my happy mask when confronting my friends.
I remember later on...I get all dazed out...thinking to myeslf depressed...then they question me what's wrong and I burst out "I'm hungry! I want ice cream! Who wants ice cream? Anyone? No one? Someone come with me. I want ice cream!" in a ...happyish state...it bugged them...and I could imagine their faces, David, Kevin, and Gilbert's faces...only theirs...why only their's? Worried... And Nathan just being his "stupid" self...
I didn't feel hungry...and buying the ice cream, sometimes I'd just stare at it in depression then snap back into happy mode before the person who was with me saw or said anything.
I remember dropping the ice cream... punching...the wall? the gate? (settings...blurry), but it was definately the area where we always hung out at school...and me finally cracking out of my shell...finally? "I...w-was....wondering if...if...y-you guys...w-...wanted to go...to...my...p-...par-....parent's funeral with me." The last part too fast and mumbled to be heard.
One of them: "What did you say?"
I quickly put the mask back on.
"Nothin! I was just thinking to myself!" And something else all happy and innocent like...But again they questioned...and yadidah...
But I could remember me holding in tears from remembering past memories...not too great memories of my dad..."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL YOU KNOW" going to band practice... "STUPID..." .... "STUPID" ....i'm not stupid...............I'm not...."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL" just another temper tantrum........ "I'm very disappointed in you." "You need to be like other girls" "STUPID!!" STOP IT!
I woke up...Casey sleeping peacefully in my lap...me trying to close my eyes...but the whole time...my eyes were open...
I want to eat something...
I rummaged the refridgerator...nothing...cabinet...I grabbed the box of crackers and started eating them and heading back to my room after I let Casey back outside...I didn't eat them because they tasted good...it reminds me back into 1st semester health from Mr. Birinyi. I only ate them because it made feel better and satisfied... But...I wasn't hungry...
I couldn't sleep...So I just pulled a blanket over my head and climbed back onto the computer again...
Sometimes...I feel better...a bit writing it all out...even though I feel dead-like still in the end...at the same time...I wish I didn't because everyone would read it and start trying to comfort me or go "awwww D; hope you feel better" or something like that...
plz dont... I feel like saying that...agian i feel like I'm only wanting more attention...I wanted someone to read this...but at the same time...I want to just run off and keep to myself and when I'm ready to go back to reality...I'm put back on my mask...
"I'm pathetic...absolutely retarded and stupid..." I remember myself saying that after putting the happy mask on after trying to ask my friends to attend the funeral with me...And again I say it...Confused again...I can't escape it...and it's backfired for the millionth time in a dream...no...a nightmare I wish I would stop dreaming about every so often lately...or weird dreams that would never come true, but bug me like heck.
What do I want??!?!...
I want to go to sleep.
I turned off my computer and I go to my bed...deciding not to sleep on my bed and just go outside and probably sleep secretly with my dog Casey in the house on the couch or something...So I slept with Casey for a bit out in the family room on the LazyBoy recliner chair...But my eyes were open...
Is it possible to sleep with your eyes open? But I was "day dreaming" at the same time...Another deja vu dream...where it bothers me enough that it makes me want to cry because it feels real...death...
Parents dying and...me being at school...covering it all up in front of my friends with my happiness...Somehow...just thinking about it...made me feel frustrated...everything felt frustrated...even if it wasn't real, thoughts ran through my head...am I just wanting attention? Why don't I tell them what happened? They probably don't notice a thing through my happy-go-lucky mask...Do they?...AGHHH...I'm asking for attention...am I really this selfish...is this selfishness or is it just me?
Dreaming me taking care of my bro while they're gone...me crying over their death...
But the thing that felt like a familiar chill everytime I go to a band tourney or rather a concert or anywhere where the band parents were there to support their kids...there was me, staring at a bunch of parents and siblings congradulating and supporting their child at a football game? a band tourney? Settings are strange in dreams...but...I couldn't keep my eyes off of them...and that chill went down me again. "Stop staring at them...look away..." I kept telling myself...I wanted it... "Stop looking..." I wanted it... "Look away" Why did you have to go?
I looked away... Was I only finding a way out of the pain...escaping the truth...being happy? looking away...but after, I just led my brother back into the bleacher stands and putting back on my happy mask when confronting my friends.
I remember later on...I get all dazed out...thinking to myeslf depressed...then they question me what's wrong and I burst out "I'm hungry! I want ice cream! Who wants ice cream? Anyone? No one? Someone come with me. I want ice cream!" in a ...happyish state...it bugged them...and I could imagine their faces, David, Kevin, and Gilbert's faces...only theirs...why only their's? Worried... And Nathan just being his "stupid" self...
I didn't feel hungry...and buying the ice cream, sometimes I'd just stare at it in depression then snap back into happy mode before the person who was with me saw or said anything.
I remember dropping the ice cream... punching...the wall? the gate? (settings...blurry), but it was definately the area where we always hung out at school...and me finally cracking out of my shell...finally? "I...w-was....wondering if...if...y-you guys...w-...wanted to go...to...my...p-...par-....parent's funeral with me." The last part too fast and mumbled to be heard.
One of them: "What did you say?"
I quickly put the mask back on.
"Nothin! I was just thinking to myself!" And something else all happy and innocent like...But again they questioned...and yadidah...
But I could remember me holding in tears from remembering past memories...not too great memories of my dad..."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL YOU KNOW" going to band practice... "STUPID..." .... "STUPID" ....i'm not stupid...............I'm not...."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL" just another temper tantrum........ "I'm very disappointed in you." "You need to be like other girls" "STUPID!!" STOP IT!
I woke up...Casey sleeping peacefully in my lap...me trying to close my eyes...but the whole time...my eyes were open...
I want to eat something...
I rummaged the refridgerator...nothing...cabinet...I grabbed the box of crackers and started eating them and heading back to my room after I let Casey back outside...I didn't eat them because they tasted good...it reminds me back into 1st semester health from Mr. Birinyi. I only ate them because it made feel better and satisfied... But...I wasn't hungry...
I couldn't sleep...So I just pulled a blanket over my head and climbed back onto the computer again...
Sometimes...I feel better...a bit writing it all out...even though I feel dead-like still in the end...at the same time...I wish I didn't because everyone would read it and start trying to comfort me or go "awwww D; hope you feel better" or something like that...
plz dont... I feel like saying that...agian i feel like I'm only wanting more attention...I wanted someone to read this...but at the same time...I want to just run off and keep to myself and when I'm ready to go back to reality...I'm put back on my mask...
"I'm pathetic...absolutely retarded and stupid..." I remember myself saying that after putting the happy mask on after trying to ask my friends to attend the funeral with me...And again I say it...Confused again...I can't escape it...and it's backfired for the millionth time in a dream...no...a nightmare I wish I would stop dreaming about every so often lately...or weird dreams that would never come true, but bug me like heck.
What do I want??!?!...
I want to go to sleep.
1 comment:
Sleep.
It's good stuff. :P
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