Welcome to Reality

How are you?

If I were talking to some person, I'd probably go...alright, I suppose. Nothing much.

If I were talking to an inanimous object, which I'd probably be more comfortable talking to right now (the computer? Haha, technically, I'm talking to a computer and you all are just reading it)...I'd probably go...

...confused...SHOCKED?!?!...SUPPOSEDLY DEPRESSED!??!!??!?!?!?! It's not like...I-hate-my-life depressed...I guess it's somewhat more like disappointed...very...

These past 2 and a half months, I felt like the hole I had inside of me was filled up and I was probably at my happiest in the longest time. I loved it. I noticed that hole starting to leak again and I wonder why...check it out...and I end up in reality from the other side of the hole. I could leave one way to reality...but it wouldn't let me back into the fantasy, which I was in. Being snatched from a sweet dream? Depressing...somewhat shocked in a way that it was never real...never there...never was...

Yesterday...or was it the day before...yes, the day before or...I don't remember...some time period of 2-3 days previous from today, I felt like my relationship with Kevin wasn't going anywhere...like we were still only best friends. The hugs were alright. They were daily now, but it wasn't going anywhere...no dates, kisses, holding hands, and all that boyfriend and girlfriend shinanigan. And the way he's acted toward me through this 2 and a half month time period, he's acted as if he were my boyfriend in a way, but w/out all the rest of the stuff...Doesn't make sense? Eh...I'm drifting away from my topic sentence. A couple days ago, I wanted to confirm with Kevin if we were boyfriend/girlfriend or just best friends. I wouldn't have minded if it were both. I mean, before the "relationship" started, we were best friends.

Let's start with this:

Me: almost 3 months =O

Kevin: ...?

Me: since the week b4 valentines

Kevin: ...till?...

Me: u dont get it do you? lol

Kevin: ... nope...... XD

Me: can i ask a quick question?
Kevin: =} ask away

Me: are we bfgf or just best friends?

Kevin Avent: hmmm.... I'd just asy for now... BESTEST OF BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

And...? I wait anxiously for the next part...there was no next part.

Kevin: i spelled asy wrong...

Me: lol.

Kevin: say...lol

Me: asy lol

Kevin Avent: LOLOLOLOLOL killed it

Me: so hows tom and denise

I had to change the subject and act normal...I just held it in and didn't vent it out, until later Alice, Tanh, and (another) Kevin logged on...But Alice gave me a logical assumption to his response, that maybe he was just trying to protect me from my dad (because my dad doesn't want me to have a boyfriend) and would rather be a best friend rather than a secret boyfriend. So, I felt better still kinda...shocked, but better with the logical assumption. The next day on the way home, I wanted to make sure.

So, I talk to him on the way home, and I ask him what he meant by the "for now" and the "forever" contradiction in his response...He just responds all happily cluelessly that he was probably out of it or something. Then I ask him if he had any reason to his response. No. Refer to previous statement. The logical assumption was thrown out of the window of my head...my ears...nah...actually...more like down the lump of my throat...let's just let it grind into lil tiny pieces into digestion... I was too nervous, shocked, and...the opposite of my gutsy self, to express my feelings at the moment...

Suppose you tell that one girl or guy you like that you have a crush on them and they like you back and tell you. So you guys supposedly go out and act as if you were boyfriend and girlfriend and you start telling everyone he or she is your girlfriend. A couple months later, you feel like the relationship is kinda on the tip of the boat for some reason, so you speak up a little bit to see what's up...Step into reality...Your girlfriend or boyfriend...or let me rephrase that your "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" has thought through those past happy months...the point where you were at your happiest (at least I was, where I thought things were going alright), that hole inside of you was filled up...you guys were just...best friends...only...nothing more...nada...zip...JUST best friends. Or as Kevin said: "BESTEST OF BEST FRIENDS FOREVER."

What am I supposed to do? I try to be neutral with him and act myself...but it's not working because everytime he's around...I get to feel really terrible...horrible...in shock...obviously...disappointed. I made him a drawing just for him for our 3 month "relationship." I ended up ripping it to pieces because...how could I ever give it to him, if there was nothing at all?

What makes me somewhat mad and frustrated is that...that week before Valentine's...2 and a half months ago...almost 3 months, I told him I liked him fighting through my nervousness...and he got happy and hugged me...and I asked him if he liked me back the same way...he said, yes. And...I drew a picture of me and him in the Baron Banner for the Valentine's Day special...made a very special present for him for Valentines, I previously posted he was my boyfriend and made a Valentine's video and left a comment on my vid saying some Valentine's love on it...through the rest of these months, I've acted as if he were my boyfriend and his response seemed to be like I was his girlfriend...at least...in my point of view. One of my friends joke around going "stop flirting you two" and we're just standing there hugging.

I'm not even in the hugging mood anymore and when I do try to act normal and hug him back...I feel like I'm not even trying...I don't know how to act like his best friend, when the whole time I was being his "bestest friend of friends" I believed to be his girlfriend...I could just act like how I did before...but...I'm...way...too much into the shock and confused...disappointed moods...

Alice told me the yesteray night to talk to him straightforward to sort things out before I go even more nuts. I was too nervous and too down to talk to him during lunch...After school, I was going to speak up...I suppose...I didn't have the guts to and I wanted to plan to speak up a few seconds or minutes later during the walk to the car, his friend happened to tag along and walk. I assumed and wished he was gonna go the seperate direction and go to the crosswalk as we walked around the corner...he still walked along until halfway down the walk after the corner to the cars, his mom came...Almost to the car...what's the point of speaking up now...But at school, I've been completely neutral and normal, being myself, except for each time I was around Kevin...I couldn't help, but somewhat look away during band, during lunch, and just stay quiet...and to my band friends...when I was quiet...obviously, something was wrong. But them being idiots, they went on throwing and messing around with the water bottles like kickballs and frisbees. Kevin just acted himself. I sat studying for my English test the next period. I skipped club to talk to Kevin. Great job, Michelle. Pat on the back.

Now I have a whole weekend...Whoopdidoo...I think I'll distract myself with something entertaining...I'm good at distracting...But I guess during the night with nothing to do...I tend to be cheery, but for some reason...for once, it didn't work and my inside true feelings started seeping out. So much for the cheery mask. (Random: lol...If I wrote something about that, I'd probably title it, "Seeping Through the Mask." I don't know, I'm in the mood to title random stuff. Heh...).

Welcome to Reality.