Hopeless

"I started writing this from English 4th period and during seperate times of the day after that."

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4th Period English
It's like all strands of thoughts, or, rather, feelings of any such depression or stress has been pulled out of me, like a loose thread on a piece of clothing. And yet, when there is nothing to bother me or to think about, excluding homework, that thread will be sewed back in to bring back all that pain I've felt inside. I just know it.

I wake up in the morning, eyes puffy from crying myself tired to sleep the previous night. And throughout the day, I feel like I want to go back to my bed for rest. Yet, even sleeping for half an hour after my geometry test, I was shouting at myself and stressing in my mind. But, skipping breakfast and having a rough night, I dozed off, my head tired from thinking too much. Although, still, I did not feel those painful emotions on the inside.

Although I've been holding up a tired cover over my book (I've been doing lots of metaphors lately ._.), in my pages, I was absolutely exhausted and a bit depressed.

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5th Period Chem after lunch
Somehow I expected it, yet I tried not to make too much of it a big deal. Though I feel numb on the inside. I'm not completely over-the-head upset though. Part of my mind just wants to shout out and boast: "I told you so..." But I knew I didn't want to hear it. Again I wish I would give up on this and stopp trying to like others as a crush and stay single and keep my mind off of it. Boy, do I fail at that...

My predictions from previous experiences seem to come true w/out denying it. I'm not satisfied with the guess nor am I relieved. Only one world can completely describe this: hopeless.

Yet I'll keep going on with life, eventually getting it over with, and put on my happy mask. On the inside though, I want to cry to let it all out as much I am (writing/typing) it out.

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After School
I seem to keep it all in the whole day, though during geometry I let out a tear or two, but I didn't want to break out in class. In Spanish, I felt exhausted laying my head the nest by my arms while doing Spanish classwork. I couldn't focus at times and all I thought was..."Just forget about it and stop dreaming, Michelle..."

Right as the bell for the end of 6th period rang, I rushed out of the room. Why rush to my destination to the band room to great my friends so fast? I don't know. All I knew was I wanted to get there before any of them left. So I quickly go to my locker and walk my way to the band room. But hopelessness and my exhaustion overcame me and I began to feel a bit depressed as I was beginning to finally feel in Spanish (gradually sewing part of the thread back on). I was only on the outside happy for some of the day, but on the way to my friends, I just felt terrible.

Walking to class after Lunchtime
Me: I don't think Kevin likes me (being my hopeless self).
David: He likes someone else.

Somehow I just knew it. And that was when the dissappointment and pain gradually came kicking in. I was depressed when I got there to great my friends, but I didn't break out. Just sad...Until Kevin came walking out of the band room. I immediately tried blocking myself away from his view while facing David, who immediately noticed my depression. Kevin came over to talk to the guys behind me and for some reason, I just felt...even worse... And faced him for a second and walked off behind them where the other guys were talking and there I was...

I broke out crying, trying to hide it to attract so much attention. My other Kevin friend (I'll call him Klink), who I usually walk with to the car where my dad picks me up, was going to say goodbye and came over to comfort me and brought me along to start walking to the car, but I went back to say bye. I don't know why, but it's one of those moments where I felt like I really wanted a specific (or some certain specific) friend's (friends') attention the most. Like before it was just Klink. This time it was David, Gilbert, and Klink.

I gave David a hug and Joe patted me on the head to feel better. Ben and Gilbert greeted me too.

David (while hugging): I'll be on tonight to talk to you after practice, okay?

I find myself to be a crybaby, but walking away, I saw my choir friends Emily and Kaleigh come about. I immediately tried to wipe my tears away and Kaleigh came attacking me with a hug, trying not to make me fall with the lack of my sense of balance. Somehow, trying to make it all go away, and after them coming along, I felt a little bit better now. But feeling it's happened again, just made me feel like I wanted to break out, especially since he was right there.

So I felt a bit myself again as I walked to the car and at Hapkido. And that thread seems to come loose and pull out of me again. And I feel blankminded to this whole situation due to over-stress...All I know what I want to think is...I don't want to have a crush on another guy again at all or for awhile...I'm completely hopeless with this...

"I'll take the risk." Somehow I had so much hope. I guess I let my guard down once again and let it fly away... And once again...the only world to describe this feeling, blank or not...is hopeless.