“I’ve been going up and down with my stability of my emotions lately. The somehow, at the moment, remind me of a magnet, attracting so-called problems to build up in my mind. (It’s hard to type this when I’m so ticked off.”
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I’ve grown a big paranoia to like anyone after while with some bad experiences here and there. And I tried to restrain myself from doing to again. And yet, I started liking my friend Tanh…got over him…and, again, I get myself right away into liking someone else. It makes me mad at myself for switching so quickly and that maybe I only liked people because I was so desperate for someone to like me. I had a crush on Kevin N (the guy I almost liked at San Fran at band last year). I extremely didn’t want to get myself into the situation with liking anyone anymore because I didn’t want to make them bother with it or make myself supposedly-suffer all the time when I like someone, because nothing ever goes right and it was all kind of …pointless. But after while, while trying to force myself NOT to like Kevin, one day, I start getting all daydreamy and spacing out, thinking how cute he is (I like his personality too, but I don’t even know since I’ve said that for other boys too =/). The next day, I was kind of depressed, stressing after talking to Tanh about it.
Tanh: “Is it me or do you have a need to like someone?” which was what stuck to me after that long ago conversation and why I find myself to be a very hopelessly desperate person. So that next day, I looked at Kevin and I thought: “Why the heck do I feel so obsessed at the moment towards him, yet don’t feel those feelings of liking him? What is wrong with me?” So that day, I was pretty much distracted and quiet. Though to my friends, I kept telling them I was tired, but they knew I wasn’t being myself, since I’m never so quiet.
I got better and later on, again trying to force myself not to like him. I couldn’t help thinking about him and how much I liked him (I even dreamt about him…). I mean it wasn’t a bad thing, though it wasn’t a good thing either. Of course, I didn’t know… I like him, but I was scared to admit it. What if things were like déjà vu again and all I do is just make things bad for me? But I knew the first thing I had to do: try to stop being depressed and pessimistic.
Trying not to be so pessimistic, I thought to myself: “Is it weird for a girl to ask out a guy?” I thought no, but to distract myself, I started asking my friends that question anyway. “Do you think a girl asking a guy out is weird?” “No, why?” was the continuous replies I received. So I thought…maybe I could possibly ask him out. Though I knew that weekend night…I would be nervous and scared as heck…
So Monday comes by, and I see Kevin in the morning after zero period. I greet him usually, except I couldn’t get myself to say anything, because I was too nervous about it, so I covered it up being my usual self and talked about other topics (How was your weekend? Etc.) After 1st period during passing period, I still couldn’t get myself to say anything, until we split up at the bowl area.
“Do you want to sit with my friends and me during lunch?”
“Sure (Askes where and so on),”
During 2nd period geometry, I sit in the very back corner of the room (my teacher assigned seats; if I had to choose, I would have chosen the 1st row…), where usually, if I sit in the back, there are more distractions; so I daze off in my own little world and space out thinking about how to ask out Kevin…And the more I thought about it, the more of a nervous wreck, I felt like.
It didn’t feel any better during 4th period English while Mr. Penhall was reading out “The Pardoner’s Tale” from our worn-out textbooks. I dazed off once again, not so much as in geometry, but enough to make me nervous that lunch was coming up and I would meet up with Kevin to ask him. Flashbacks came back to me to whenever I often confessed my crush on a boy or the 3 months of a misunderstanding relationship. And again the word “déjà vu” came about my mind. I lost my appetite to eat.
Usually band gets out early for lunch at the end of 4th period, so by the time I was talking to our usual lunch area, my whole bando-choir mix group of friends where there already…and Kevin.
Kevin had to go to the cafeteria for a moment to get some help from his cousins, so he could study for his Japanese quiz next period. So I decided to tag along. On the way there, I couldn’t get myself to ask him. Waiting in the cafeteria for a few minutes, I just stared at all the people in the cafeteria enjoying themselves and Kevin asking his cousins some questions. I wouldn’t budge. And finally on the way back. I got myself to say it, but apparently too quickly that he couldn’t hear me. So, I nervously try again. (Yet, in my pessimistic mind, I find my nervousness another part of a pointless thought.)
“Hey, Kevin. Do you want to go out sometime?”
“Go out where?”
“Errr iunno…” Apparently, I didn’t exactly think this all the way through. “Like go out…go out?” >_< I need to work on this…
“What?”
“Nevermind…” >.> Yet, he was acting so casual. Of course, that’s Kevin for you. It made me a little more relaxed rather than depressed, but going over to my friend David after my other friend named Kevin (I’ll just call him KFC by his nickname) gave me my lunch I asked him to buy for me. I wasn’t hungry…And David starts looking at me as my face showed sign of disappointment or depressed and me moving around nervously as Kevin sat on the other side on him.
I state to him my dilemma and he tries to give me some advice to ask to hang out somewhere like the movies or something. So there I sat trying to think of some places, w/out making it feel so awkward. I was quite new to this…so my mind was racing by faster than I was about to catch up to. It took a few minutes before I went over to Kevin to talk and peeped over to see him do his Japanese. Again, just budging it out again took a few minutes too. He was getting very distracted though, by the guys (for some reason, being extremely hyper that day, shouting, singing, and dancing around…yeah…don’t want to explain).
“Hey, I know I’m bothering you while you’re studying, but…do you want to hang out sometime during the weekend or something?” I try again.
“Sure, where?” I try thinking for a moment again.
“I don’t know. Where do you want to hang out?”
“I don’t care where.”
So I get quiet for a few minutes, thinking of some possible places while he studies and everyone else is going crazy. I thought movies, but then I thought my dad would probably want my brother to come along or him along as well, like last time I went to the movies with my friends. So that was out. Then I thought the park, but I thought how awkward that would be. The next thing I thought was Boomers. A bit much, but…maybe some friends could some along?
“How about Boomers?” I say, though still unsure.
“Boomers sounds cool.” I didn’t know what else to say and I would think of the time later on, so I felt a bit better and went off to go eat my food and watch him study. It didn’t really mean anything, but it made me feel more relieved that I let it out. But later on, David told me Kevin knows I liked him. So it made me uneasily…
What if he didn’t like me back?
I guess as I told myself before while thinking this whole thing through (not completely, but mostly), I’ll take that risk and I guess I can endure the emotional pain again =/ I don’t enjoy it, but what happens happens…
I don’t know what else to write (type?) next, but that I have a major official crush on him right now…though at the same time, my paranoia is coming to me, making me a nervous wreck and all the additional to the package of stressed out crushing…I just hope things don’t repeat itself all over again…
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“Music is the best medicine in the world to sooth my mind in times like this.”
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