Holiday Cheer

Vietnamese Terms:

-Chi: Older sister/female cousin
-Anh: Older brother/male cousin
-Co: Aunt on Dad's Side
-Di: Aunt on Mom's Side

Hey! It's been...almost a month since I last posted an official journal that isn't a survey, etc.

Happy (belated or not) Chrimahanukwanzakah! or Happy Holidays :3 -sing- And a Happy New Year!

This year, we did something different, I had my family Christmas party on Christmas Eve instead, since I guess my cousin who's visiting from Medical School in Minnesota will be busy on Christmas party at her house.

So this year, theres:
-Tony & Chi Phuong (the one that's visiting from Med School)
-Chi Phuong's bf Marcos
-Belle & Chi (Tony's dad's side)
-Johnny
-Chi Trang, Anh Nai, Anh Gon
-Chi Trang's bf Kenny

My cousins Elbert, Natalie, & William always spend Christmas in Texas or San Jose and this year, my cousin Hang and in-law Thai (and sweet little Ethan) are spending Christmas in Arizona with Thai's family. So the party is smaller this year. Plus, my little nieces and twin nephews, Jessica and Jasmine, and Jason and Jacob, usually come, but they aren't anymore (sadly).

Thanksgiving is usually the biggest family reunion of the year. I don't know where we're spending New Years this year, maybe at my house again (we usually spend special holidays at my house).

ANYWAY...

My parents didn't want us to open all our presents, so my cousin opened all their's while Alex and I only opened 2-3 presents and saved the rest for Christmas morning (I never opened presents Christmas morning before I always wait in the afternoon with my cousins for the party each year).

I decided to open the biggest box first. It was like the size of one of those computer thingys that sit next to your monitor or under your desk. It was huge o.O so I opened it. Inside the box was... Elmo Live.

Reactions:
Mine - O_O
Johnny (who helped me open it) - omg lol

Also inside the box was a couple books I wanted for Xmas and...a big Pikachu plushie taht looked just like the one from my room...hmm this looks familiar, especially since it's not in my room at the moment...WAIT A MINUTE! My parents put it in there to take up space...lol But the center of attention was the Elmo Live. My family kept watching it, neglecting their gifts as they stared and was mesmorized by the dancing and talking Elmo. It was so funny. But after awhile, I've grown to love it My favorite story Elmo tells is about his encounter with the giant :]

"Hey! Elmo has a story to tell you!
-sits down and crosses his legs- Hmmm...Oh! I know!

One day, Elmo was walking down Sesame Street, when all of a sudden, he heard someone say: "FI FI FO FUM! I smell a little monster!"
Elmo was scared. -hand touches chin and shivers-
Elmo looks up -tilts his head up-
...and up -even higher-
...all the way up! -looks up at the ceiling- Whoa-ha-ha! (me: cracking up)
It was a giant!
Elmo screamed! AHHHHHH!!!! -flaps arms and screams up to the ceiling-
But then...the giant screamed too! AHHHHHH!!! -same thing-
Elmo said: "Hey! What are you screaming for? You're a BIIIIG giant!"
The giant said: "But I'm scared of little red monsters."
Elmo and the giant look at each other. -looks up a the ceiling-
And then we laugh for being so silly! Ahahahahahha.
Elmo had so much fun that day with his new friend!
The End!

Elmo loves that story!"

Hahahha.

All of my presents:
-Set of 84 Gel Pens (from Mom)
-Elmo Live!
-Books: (from Dad)
::The Tales of Beedle the Bard (JK ROWLING)
::Th1rteen R3asons Why (Jay Asher)
::The Things They Carried (Tim O'Brien)
::Marley & Me (John Grogan)
::The Memory Keeper's Daughter (Kim Edwards)
::Sarah's Key (Tatiana Rosney)
::Ever (Gail Carlson Levine)
::Fairy Haven and the Quest for the Wand (Gail Carlson Levine)
::The Long Walk (Stephen King)
-Vietnamese Books: (from Co Thu)
::Snow White & the 7 Dwarves
::The other two, I can't tell what the title's mean
-Cute black dress (from Chi Trang)
-Toe socks (from Bianca)
-Socks and a photo frame (from Chi Phuong)
-Scrapbook and scrapbook items (from Chi Hang and Thai)
-A brown puffy vest that looks almost like the one I have already (from Di Oanh)
-Black hand purse that I gave to my mom (from Di Hong)
-Pink thermal-like longsleeve shirt (from Dad)

On New Year's day, Tony and I are going to go to our friend Zong Wei's house for a club potluck. KFC's gonna be there too And Cindy. And other bando friends (club is like 80% bando xD...maybe 90%).

I think I've typed too much. So I'm signing out now. :] Have a great winter break!

Cursed Journal

Way back before the Baron Banner, before blogging in freshman year to this year as a sophomore, I used to keep a journal. It was one of those spiral notebooks with a fancy looking cover, I put an elephant sticker on it to make it look more cute. That was my daily journal, in which I kept all my thoughts in, and I never showed anyone. Not even my best friends.

These were the times where hormones start coming on and when my mood swings started. 8th grade, the year in which I considered the worst from start to end. I wasn't used to talking to people about my problems a lot, because I didn't want people to know I was feeling depressed or sad, just happy. And if I really really wanted to express it, like on my ex-Myspace account, I would leave confusing status messages only I would understand.

I wrote in the journal every single day as much as I could when I was in a writing mood. I wrote about what I did in the day, I ranted in it when I felt angry, went to the journal when I was depressed, anything.

Sooner or later, it got to a point where the journal began to drive me nuts, leading me to overthink issues, questioning myself without anything consulting to me back. It was like containing all my emotions into a bottle or a balloons, filling it more and more with air or maybe bees or any kinda of bug, that sooner or later, there's too much to hold inside and the balloon wants to pop, or the bugs barely have enough room or air to breathe in the bottle, they begin to go crazy and hallucinate...Well, you get it.

As for me, I went emo. And as much as I didn't want people to know how I felt, I didn't want people to know I was emo. So I didn't show it off, dressed all in black, etc. I wanted to kill myself, run in front of a car. Suicidal. And that's all I wanted to think. I didn't want to live anymore.

Until one day, I finally had the guts to talk to a close friend about it, and she became somewhat like a psychiatrist for me. That's how it was all year, whenever I had something to talk about (and I had much to talk about to her, good or bad), I went to her for advise, her consultation, just for her to listen. And I stopped writing in my journal.

By the end of 8th grade, I still had those mood swings and now, but I wasn't suicidal anymore, and I wasn't going nuts, keeping it all in. I looked at my old journal, in which I used to go to for comfort every single day in 8th grade, at the end of the school year in the summer. I took a sharpie and scribbled in "CURSED JOURNAL" on every single page.

Later on in my freshman year, I found my old journal again and looked through it. What a different I was like in writing. And what a different person I was like then and now. I did not wish to cherish this memory though. The next day, I handed the journal to my friend and asked her to burn it or dispose of it somehow. And after that, I never saw it again.

When I started the Baron Banner Blogs, I was uneasy about starting something like a journal again, but it's probably the best things that's helped me let things off my chest. I felt free, open, and honest to express myself just like any other journal. It was public too and my loyal peers gave me great advise and comfort to my blogs, and I felt similarity when others write about problems similar to mine.

From now on, I've gotten myself to avoid trying to bottle up all my emotions into a bottle. In the end, the emotions will fly around out of control if they become too much to handle all by myself.

Unexplainable Passion

December. "The Greatest Time of the Year" as Aly & AJ titled their song for the holidays two years ago for the Santa Claus movie with Jack Frost.

There's an unexplainable feeling whenever Christmas, just the spirit of it, makes me really psyched for the holidays to come. I enjoy the decorations at the mall, Christmas tree decorating and gift wrapping, and the best thing is giving gifts to my friends and family.

This month, I look forward to Disneyland with my bando and orchestra friends, Christmas, the day before Winter break to give presents to my friends, and ice skating with NHS and OpS (Operation Smile). Too bad some of my close friends can't go to the ice skating thing, but at least there's still Disneyland. I actually get to march with the other guys at Disneyland too. I'm so excited. All year, I've been wanting to get in that uniform again, mainly to have that same feeling, I get when I'm on the football field, performing in front of the hundreds of people and the judges. It's like a satisfied feeling, and from the first tournament to the last tournament, I had that small depression I tried to hide at the back of my mind, so it wouldn't cause a burden. I wanted to be happy for everyone, and I was.

(This is the part where I start drifting off into another subject). I wrote a little bit about my weird happiness for the guys their first tournament. So happy, I cried a bit, but I wiped the tears away quickly. And when Kevin and David stacked their shackos (hats) on my head, it made me miss it so much. But that's life. The last competition I got to see was at Trabuco Hills. Instead of buying a ticket to sit out in the audience and watch all the other bands perform as well. I helped the pit, as I started to do the 3rd competition. We pushed the pit equipment all the way around the track as Upland High School marched onto the field to get ready to start their show. After setting up the equipment on deck, I watched the pit girls running around hugging each other good luck. I was mesmorized by the Upland marchers marching on the turf, and being so close to the corner of the turf field myself, I wanted to know what it was like to march on it again, but it wasn't the same. The turf was more rubbery in the middle of the field. I stared up at the judge's box for a minute and imagine and flashback myself performing Fusion at RCC, Madera, Finals, etc. last year. I couldn't grasp that same feeling.

But it was weird, while standing there about to push the pit equipment again for Fountain Valley performing next, I felt a nervous feeling as if I, myself, were going to perform. But I wasn't, that's the crusher. I wasn't performing. Again, I tried to contain my tears, but i ended up shedding a tear or two anyways. But I ended up trying to put that feeling and thought at the back of my mind again, after Fountain Valley came on the field and set up. I was up and about, going back and forth video-recording the band for a band music video, and I lost focus of the show, so I couldn't get a deep feeling about it.

Wearing that uniform on Tuesday at Disneyland is the closest thing I've got to being a part of the band again, as if I were going to go on the field again, but its just marching around Disneyland. Not so bad, it's just not so intense as marching on the football field.

I don't think I'm going to try to get Wampler to attempt to pull me out of PE, though, to get me into 2nd semester concert band. I think I'll use my 2nd semester to try to get straight A's or at least one B. I would say this is karma, for being such a forgetful, sometimes procastinating, person. But Christmas spirit keeps my hopes up.

Raining Joy

I've heard of people being so happy, they cried with joy, but I never really experienced it myself...It was weird...I was close to crying...but I wasn't depressed, I was so filled up with happiness, so excited...even more since...I don't know...I was just SO happy for them...I felt tears in my eyes.

I rode to Chino Hills to Ayala High School on Saturday with my cousin Tony (graduated last year and was in the FVRR marching band), and my friends Tom, Kevin, Denise, and their mom. The band was having their first WBA competition of the season and, although I've been to their rehearsals on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I couldn't wait to see their show in the competition up in the bleachers. Right when we arrived at the school, we went to find the band and there practice spot and I was dashing off to greet the bandos good luck and see my friends.

We later left the band to warm up to get our seats in the bleachers with the other bando parents fron Fountain Valley. We came early enough to watch at least all of the 5A performances (at least Tony really wanted to). I was only going to wait until after the FVRR performance, then go hang out with them.

The band was on deck to perform after Arcadia high school. When Arcadia came on, I was thinking, oh my gosh, this is almost like last year's championships and finals with James Logan High school, but they were smaller. They still took up almost all of the football field though and had very small intervals (they even had trombones, how difficult to march with such small intervals). Because of such a large number of student marchers on the field, I guess that's the reason why they had their director be their only drum major, compared to the other bands and their student drum majors. James Logan High School although had student drum majors and was so big, they had a freshman band AND a regular band. And they STILL took up most of the football field! Crazy!

I was shaking and pulling on Denise's arm as I pointed at our band. "Our band's coming up next!!! I can't wait!" I was so impatient and anxious I was shaking all over, especially at my legs. Tom, Tony, and I bought an airgram for our friend Zongwei when they walk out on the field. We were always in band and never bought an airgram before, so we were confused how to do it. We decided to send him and inside band joke from last year's Fusion show, where Tony and his friend James made up lyrics with part of the 3rd movement of Fusion, which created Zongwei's new theme song. The message said: "To Zongwei. From Tom, Tony, and Michelle. Zongwei, he is the section leader. He will bite your head off. Watch out for his [piccalo.]" It was so hilarious and Denise and I screamed our throats out as the band came on. I made sure not to step on the funnel cake I laid down in front of me (I was plannig to save it to give to the bando's to eat afterwards).

(written and unfinished on October 9, 2008)

Hallow's Eve Dress Up Time

For awhile this month, I was thinking what to be this year. I wanted to be creative and something pretty cool, compared to just wearing my martial arts uniform.

OH! I got my brown belt yesterday! I am so happy =] Yay. The next test for my brother and I will be in six months now rather than the usual three since it's takes longer to learn and know all the things for brown/red/black belts for the belt tests. Next test, I hope I can break the real thick one-inch, instead of the half-inch. I asked for one-inch, but couldn't break it (I need to kick harder). Oh, I was doing the flying sidekick. I kept falling and landing on the guys holding the board. Haha >_<

Back to the subject. I knew I was going to be Tohru from Fruits Basket next summer for Anime Expo when I grow out my hair and get my mom to help me make my outfit (AND I CAN HOLD STUFFED ANIMALS; I need to find an orange cat, purple mouse, and a tiger stuffed animal...). But it wouldn't be so fun doing it at school. So then I thought today during dinner, randomly.

I could be a white tiger!! I love tigers =] And dragons. I could get my mom to help me with the outfit.

Make:
-White hat with pointy roundish ears (white on outside/behind; pink or black inside/front?)
----[if my brown hat with ears doesn't match; if that fails, i can always get a headband or something and make ears and stick them in my hair]
-White long gloves with pink paw prints and black stripes
-White tshirt with black stripes
-White pants with black stripes (my mom used to sew custom pjs for me =])
-White tail (how do i do that?)

Have:
-boots (yay i have those!)
-

Need:
-Light blue eye shadow :3
-Black facepaint for stripes and whiskers on face (sharpie=no no)
-pink? (ill just just use my marker maybe =]) for nose

Band this year is marching in their costumes for the home game. I cant wait to watch that. I heard the clarinet section is dressing up as Pacman hahahah

1:10 with Casey Ep1 - The Casey Dance

- - - - -

www.youtube.com/takkamichelledoan

Emily was at my house and we were waiting to leave to go to the school Homecoming football game at OCC, when we were playing with my dog Casey (3 year old female chihuahua/pug).

Haha. It's so funny =]

I was able to edit, render, and upload this video in like...a few minutes, so I need to go afk. I will make a update video on Life's MS later today (doesn't know when this video will finally finish uploading)

Anyhow.
Enjoy!

Music:
Hey Ya-OutKast

Why that little....

INFURIATED!!! AGGRAVATED!!!! AND IF YOU (you know who you are >[ ) ARE READING THIS, I DON'T REALLY CARE. Cause I like expressing myself to the world. Whether the worlds wants to read it or not. MAD, ANGRY, TICKED OFF. I wanna scream and strangle 'em. Yet we all know, I would never actually do it.

"AUGHHHH I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'M SO FREAKING MAD. AND U KNOW WAT??? I'M EXPRESSING AND BROADCASTING IT TO THE WORLD! do i care? NO do i want attention? I'M JUST EXPRESSING MYSELF. and i don't care for what JERKS LIKE U HAVE 2 SAY. immature? yes. do i care?NO" was my Facebook and Yahoo Messenger status.

Some guy I knew and wasn't much close friends with IMs me on Facebook. We have a normal conversation when it later came into academics and he mentioned how "gay" AP Euro was because of their style of teaching, unlike how college would be. And after I mentioned honors, things went way out of hand. He judged how pathetic and immature I was, and the way he gave details, it sounded like he was checking up from time to time on me. (stalker...?) And keeps telling me I just ask for attention. I got....angry though I didn't say anything (obviously to him, he probably would expect me to get angry since he kept judging me with my emotions and status's. Insecure...no new friends. Always band. What accomplishments and benifits will newspaper give or has given me? No new clubs and all that crap...I act young ("Exactly. You act young ALL the time") I DO NOT and yet you say from what I see. I'm way more than what you can see. You just don't want to read the book. Exactly.

I want attention. I demand attention. I show insecurity with my friends. I never ask people out.

So if I want attention, it isn't exactly a bad thing. Everyone needs attention. Otherwise they would be lonely in life. (of course, I could hear a stupid response to counter that). I demand attention? And my status's prove it all. Status, blog, etc. etc. I have free will to express myself however I want and if you think that I'm pathetic for being so immature in such a way with my emotions, go ahead and say all you want. There's more people than just you in this world for me to deal with. Why should you make an impact or matter at all to me? "Listing your friends on your myspace shows u are insecure..." Insecure, my butt. "Are you just using thesauraus for every word you use in Baron Banner? Are you just trying to [sound smart] and call me a loser?" fjdslafjsla;fja

IMMATURE?!?!!? I CAN BE MATURE. I HAVE BEEN MATURE. THIS IS MATURE? NO. DO I CARE NO! IM INFURIATED. I WANT TO STRANGLE "impersonal critics" as you call urself, like you and do I care that I'm broadcasting myself out to the world? Let the whole world know.

I am Michelle Doan. I can express myself however I want, and ALL of it out, whether you like it or not. And if you dont accept it, ignore it and go on with life. I express myself for my own purpose to "let it all out." I am a centerspread layout manager and graphic designer in Baron Banner. Just because I'm in the same clubs, have the same friends, still hang around band, still in Baron Banner, doesn't mean I can improve myself, and make new friends, step it up. You don't believe Baron Banner will be something of this school? Fine, by me. Someday, I'll throw it in your face, whether you'll be like "whatever, I don't care."

I have way more to rant about, but I think I've made my point...

YOU have YOUR opinions; I have mine. Don't try to play hall monitor or patrol officer on me. So don't try to change me. I'm not the one who's trying to grow up too fast. You think I'm pathetic. Do you pity me? You don't know anything and you never will.

"I Can't Remember"

Me and my selfish self wanted to get out on that marching field so bad as I listened to the band play and march. It gave me a quiver down my spine listening and watching it. And yet as the metronome and my peers marched and played, I began to step in time (in place of course) while standing on the mini-bleachers, pretending I was playing along with my imaginary clarinet. That's when things took a turn and my mind gradually began to stop caring about wanting to be in band for once.

She fell.

I didn't see, but all I heard was "IRONS! SOMEONE HIT THE DECK!" and I saw a mellophone player pointing at the pit. I assumed someone was actually hit (seeing how clueless and stupid I was). But I saw a girl laying on the ground.

Usually, I would try to mind my own business. It's not good to snoop into other people's business when something like that happened, but I saw Mr. Wampler, the director take her over (I guess she was awake then) and take her over by the shed to sit on a chair with a water bottle. That's when I tried not to pay attention anymore until...

"Michelle!" Wampler calls me over. He told me to stay with her and to make sure she's okay and that she doesn't fall over or such just in case, and to talk to her. All I thought was, okay sure. Nothing more than that.

I sat near her and didn't say anything for awhile, until I questioned if she was okay. She responded that she was okay and that her head just hurted. Then I ask if she didn't eat that morning or didn't drink any water (it was extremely hot outside). I don't remember what she said, but I think she said she didn't remember.

"I don't even remember coming out here...Why am I wearing pajamas?!" she exclaimed, confused, holding the waterbottle to her head.

"It's a Tuesday, and it's Tired Tuesday, where you wear pajamas. You guys were practicing in the band room, and then after school around 3, you guys brought your pit ensemble equipment out to the field while the rest of the band was practicing."

"Oh my god...I don't remember sh*t..."

I asked her what her name was. "Sally [last name]" What grade she was in. "......junior. I'm a junior." What school is this. "Fountain Valley." What classes do you have. "......oh my god...I don't remember..." By now, she was already in tears as she leaned down, hands gripping her head. She was embarassed for the other band members to see her.

I tried asking her more questions and calming her down: "Just take deep breathes. Slow down. In. Out. In. Out. Take a drink of water." But she kept breathing fast and crying. I tried asking her some more stuff to try to refreshen her memory to help her feel better. "Do you remember how many siblings you have. She knew. Do you have any pets? She knew. Do you remember who you saw or what you did this morning? She was quiet and started to cry. "I don't remember."

She couldn't remember her whole day and from time to time again she would shout out "Why am I wearing pajamas? I don't even remember coming out here." Just writing about it isn't enough to express how I felt. But I knew...I couldn't do anything...

The more she cried, the worse I felt, though I tried to cheer her up or distract her to help her remember.

A school trainer came and check up on her. Later came the paramedics. I left because I had to go...and walking to the front of the school...the only thought that came to my mind was "I couldn't do anything... 'I can't remember anything.' Useless. Useless."

"You did a good job," the trainer said after I tried to tell her how much she managed to remember after the paramedics came. I didn't make much of it...but I can imagine Sally clearly sitting on the chair crying trying to remember, leaning over on the chair, head in hands.

Sally...Sally...I wonder if she'll remember me when she recovers. Though, I don't think I made much of an impact anyways. So I wouldn't really mind if she didn't remember me.

But it keeps coming back into my mind in a daze, but I don't think myself as useless anymore...I just think of myself as the random person who happened to find out she lost part of her memory and was just there to failing to comfort her.

But still...it's all that comes to mind the most at the moment...

Hot Chilli Peppers

"Curiousity killed the cat" and my curiousity seemed to set me on fire running around finding some way to put it out.

For dinner, I usually have one small bowl of rice with some meat or veggies or both and possibly, the side dish soup. Today, I just had the bowl of rice and the fish. And after I decided to have a sweet dessert (I don't know how to describe it...asian food haha). Then I got curious what was in the soup. So I took another bowl out (already put my other bowl in the sink) and took a small scoop of soup. It had celery I guess, steamed and tomatoes. It tasted pretty good and on my last slurp/bite...

My brain immediately told me to spit it out and a sting shot all throughout the inside of my mouth, as if it were on fire...My tongue and my cheeks started hurting and I quickly asked for water. I took about five cups of water, which was no use. My brother kept shouting, "KETCHUP!" to me, but I simply ignored him. I was so desperate, I began to tear off a piece of two off the chicken...still no good.

"WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT SOUP!!!??!" I exclaimed in pain.

My mom was laughing to my dad about how I probably bit into the pepper she put into the soup for flavor. She started taking my soup and seeing what was left of my soup and found a fingernail sized green chili pepper that I bit into. I was going crazy...water...WATER...SOMETHING....AHHHHH SO SPICY!!!!

My dad brought out the mango and started cutting out pieces for me to eat and to relieve the sting in my mouth. It calmed down as I started biting and sucking onto the mango slices... After the first piece, my mouth still stung and I asked for another...a few minutes later, I was calm again and the sting my mouth neutralized...

Remind me again...to never taste anything with any hot chilli peppers and to ask my mom what she puts in the soup or food beforehand... My curiousity to see what that soup tasted like led me to run around the kitchen and dining room like crazy...STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!

AHHHHHHH! -runs off the building like that one man did in Lord of the Rings- Hahaha.

Baron Banner Goes Cyber

Let's just say, I got really bored... (click on picture for a better view)

Missing: My Identity

Is it possible that one day the wind comes blowing by, snatching away your identity and you end up beingstuck feeling like crap because you dont feel like you're who you think you were anymore...?

I keep asking myself that and that's just how it's felt like since even a little bit before school started. I feel like (again, I must say, but this is the best way for me to describe it) something had died inside me...my happiness? my hope? my sense of...being? I don't know what...but I know deep down inside, I can feel it rotting and it hurts a lot.

I want to say I hate my life, but it's not possible to say so. I have many great friends and I achieved so much that benifited me...it's all there standing before me...the only thing missing is that person who it all belongs to...me? Of course me...but why do I feel like I am doing all these great stuff and living this life...yet...I feel a "dead" inanimous object, like a toy I suppose, that's walking among the living. Weird...

Emotionally unstable

That's how I've been lately...even when I'm at my happiest...just on the inside, deep down...there's a pain which I squeeze at my stomach that brings a sting throughout my body...

A trigger is all I need or a distraction...and I'm out of it into my own little world where anything can happen. Someone shouting, especially towards me, profanity (especially the "F" word or anything towards me, again), someone annoying me or getting me angry...or just...something that makes me depressed...And when it comes to me...I get very depressed or angry easily, even though it doesn't look like it.

I just haven't feel like myself...though I'm not sure what being myself is anymore...

I'm getting mad at myself for being depressed which makes me feel worse because I'm getting more stressed and I can't even help it...and I absolutely sometimes feel myself to be a burden...again I mention it...yes, burden...but I'm not...I know I'm not...maybe I am to others...but you know never...I feel like I am, no matter how many times I hear people tell me I'm not...

I don't know what much to write about...I'm just depressed in general...I feel like my hope is somewhat diminishing...in some part of my mind...Or maybe it's just who I thought and wanted to be and was for awhile...maybe that was diminishing...

I think myself to ask for so much attention sometimes that I feel ashamed of myself...I feel bad for changing myself for others before and now becoming who I am now to be so worried for attention...Do I really want attention? People need attention, I supposed. Otherwise, everyone in this world would be lonely...but I don't know...besides all that...I don't know what to think...All I can say is that...I'm depressed...and something's dying withing me...Whether I'm happy or not, eventually it'll all come back to remind me, the depressions still there...

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Rain, Rain, go away.

Come again another day…

Or what I’d rather have: not to come back at all.

I seemed to get over this type of situation faster than the others I’ve had…somewhat…

Last night, I had a theory, while talking to my friend Tanh. I think the reason why my head would go blank due to over-stress, was because my mind was covering it up, making me blank out on those feelings. When I tried to be really cheery and laughed a lot talking to my friend Steph, my head just started hurting a lot. But that night was a better night compared to the previous. I didn’t cry my eyes out and slept just fine, because my head was hurting every time I tried thinking or dreaming too hard…which I somehow thanked.

Today, I was still kinda so so in classes, but quiet overall and depressed a bit, but mainly quiet and just calm. And I wanted and had to face that I didn’t at all or wanted to like Kevin at all anymore, which was…alright. I’ve been single before and now as always. I’ll live and, though, I’m quite hopeless in that certain area, I’m still determined to go on with life to improve myself in other areas.

I didn’t stop being quiet depressed until after lunch (lunchtime which I was extremely quiet while watching the other guys). Gradually until Spanish 6th period, I felt myself again. And walking to the band room after school, I didn’t feel like wanted to drag, like I had no motivation to go to my next class on time (not that I was tardy). I just felt like…it went away…though my head still has a minor ache in the brain @_@, but I’ll be fine.

The sun came back to bring away the grey rainy storm in my mind =] And by the end of the day, David, who was worried about me being depressed, was relieved for my recovery.

I still think Kevin is avoiding me though. But I guess I’ll just go up to him and greet him normally, now that I feel myself again.

No crushes

No stress

No depression

No relationship

No hope for love

And honestly, I feel like part of me died, leaving a rotting hole. But right now, I just want to try to ignore that and try to be happy. I hope the sun keeps on shining and another hurricane or natural disaster doesn’t come along to ruin it all, but that’s life. And I have to deal with it and go on again. Unless I’m in my other pessimistic personality when I’m down, I am perfect fine being single right now, because I have my friends =] and I’m still alive and good.

Hopeless

"I started writing this from English 4th period and during seperate times of the day after that."

- - - - -

4th Period English
It's like all strands of thoughts, or, rather, feelings of any such depression or stress has been pulled out of me, like a loose thread on a piece of clothing. And yet, when there is nothing to bother me or to think about, excluding homework, that thread will be sewed back in to bring back all that pain I've felt inside. I just know it.

I wake up in the morning, eyes puffy from crying myself tired to sleep the previous night. And throughout the day, I feel like I want to go back to my bed for rest. Yet, even sleeping for half an hour after my geometry test, I was shouting at myself and stressing in my mind. But, skipping breakfast and having a rough night, I dozed off, my head tired from thinking too much. Although, still, I did not feel those painful emotions on the inside.

Although I've been holding up a tired cover over my book (I've been doing lots of metaphors lately ._.), in my pages, I was absolutely exhausted and a bit depressed.

- - - - -

5th Period Chem after lunch
Somehow I expected it, yet I tried not to make too much of it a big deal. Though I feel numb on the inside. I'm not completely over-the-head upset though. Part of my mind just wants to shout out and boast: "I told you so..." But I knew I didn't want to hear it. Again I wish I would give up on this and stopp trying to like others as a crush and stay single and keep my mind off of it. Boy, do I fail at that...

My predictions from previous experiences seem to come true w/out denying it. I'm not satisfied with the guess nor am I relieved. Only one world can completely describe this: hopeless.

Yet I'll keep going on with life, eventually getting it over with, and put on my happy mask. On the inside though, I want to cry to let it all out as much I am (writing/typing) it out.

- - - - -

After School
I seem to keep it all in the whole day, though during geometry I let out a tear or two, but I didn't want to break out in class. In Spanish, I felt exhausted laying my head the nest by my arms while doing Spanish classwork. I couldn't focus at times and all I thought was..."Just forget about it and stop dreaming, Michelle..."

Right as the bell for the end of 6th period rang, I rushed out of the room. Why rush to my destination to the band room to great my friends so fast? I don't know. All I knew was I wanted to get there before any of them left. So I quickly go to my locker and walk my way to the band room. But hopelessness and my exhaustion overcame me and I began to feel a bit depressed as I was beginning to finally feel in Spanish (gradually sewing part of the thread back on). I was only on the outside happy for some of the day, but on the way to my friends, I just felt terrible.

Walking to class after Lunchtime
Me: I don't think Kevin likes me (being my hopeless self).
David: He likes someone else.

Somehow I just knew it. And that was when the dissappointment and pain gradually came kicking in. I was depressed when I got there to great my friends, but I didn't break out. Just sad...Until Kevin came walking out of the band room. I immediately tried blocking myself away from his view while facing David, who immediately noticed my depression. Kevin came over to talk to the guys behind me and for some reason, I just felt...even worse... And faced him for a second and walked off behind them where the other guys were talking and there I was...

I broke out crying, trying to hide it to attract so much attention. My other Kevin friend (I'll call him Klink), who I usually walk with to the car where my dad picks me up, was going to say goodbye and came over to comfort me and brought me along to start walking to the car, but I went back to say bye. I don't know why, but it's one of those moments where I felt like I really wanted a specific (or some certain specific) friend's (friends') attention the most. Like before it was just Klink. This time it was David, Gilbert, and Klink.

I gave David a hug and Joe patted me on the head to feel better. Ben and Gilbert greeted me too.

David (while hugging): I'll be on tonight to talk to you after practice, okay?

I find myself to be a crybaby, but walking away, I saw my choir friends Emily and Kaleigh come about. I immediately tried to wipe my tears away and Kaleigh came attacking me with a hug, trying not to make me fall with the lack of my sense of balance. Somehow, trying to make it all go away, and after them coming along, I felt a little bit better now. But feeling it's happened again, just made me feel like I wanted to break out, especially since he was right there.

So I felt a bit myself again as I walked to the car and at Hapkido. And that thread seems to come loose and pull out of me again. And I feel blankminded to this whole situation due to over-stress...All I know what I want to think is...I don't want to have a crush on another guy again at all or for awhile...I'm completely hopeless with this...

"I'll take the risk." Somehow I had so much hope. I guess I let my guard down once again and let it fly away... And once again...the only world to describe this feeling, blank or not...is hopeless.

Nervous ShipWreck

“I’ve been going up and down with my stability of my emotions lately. The somehow, at the moment, remind me of a magnet, attracting so-called problems to build up in my mind. (It’s hard to type this when I’m so ticked off.”

- - - - -

I’ve grown a big paranoia to like anyone after while with some bad experiences here and there. And I tried to restrain myself from doing to again. And yet, I started liking my friend Tanh…got over him…and, again, I get myself right away into liking someone else. It makes me mad at myself for switching so quickly and that maybe I only liked people because I was so desperate for someone to like me. I had a crush on Kevin N (the guy I almost liked at San Fran at band last year). I extremely didn’t want to get myself into the situation with liking anyone anymore because I didn’t want to make them bother with it or make myself supposedly-suffer all the time when I like someone, because nothing ever goes right and it was all kind of …pointless. But after while, while trying to force myself NOT to like Kevin, one day, I start getting all daydreamy and spacing out, thinking how cute he is (I like his personality too, but I don’t even know since I’ve said that for other boys too =/). The next day, I was kind of depressed, stressing after talking to Tanh about it.

Tanh: “Is it me or do you have a need to like someone?” which was what stuck to me after that long ago conversation and why I find myself to be a very hopelessly desperate person. So that next day, I looked at Kevin and I thought: “Why the heck do I feel so obsessed at the moment towards him, yet don’t feel those feelings of liking him? What is wrong with me?” So that day, I was pretty much distracted and quiet. Though to my friends, I kept telling them I was tired, but they knew I wasn’t being myself, since I’m never so quiet.

I got better and later on, again trying to force myself not to like him. I couldn’t help thinking about him and how much I liked him (I even dreamt about him…). I mean it wasn’t a bad thing, though it wasn’t a good thing either. Of course, I didn’t know… I like him, but I was scared to admit it. What if things were like déjà vu again and all I do is just make things bad for me? But I knew the first thing I had to do: try to stop being depressed and pessimistic.

Trying not to be so pessimistic, I thought to myself: “Is it weird for a girl to ask out a guy?” I thought no, but to distract myself, I started asking my friends that question anyway. “Do you think a girl asking a guy out is weird?” “No, why?” was the continuous replies I received. So I thought…maybe I could possibly ask him out. Though I knew that weekend night…I would be nervous and scared as heck…

So Monday comes by, and I see Kevin in the morning after zero period. I greet him usually, except I couldn’t get myself to say anything, because I was too nervous about it, so I covered it up being my usual self and talked about other topics (How was your weekend? Etc.) After 1st period during passing period, I still couldn’t get myself to say anything, until we split up at the bowl area.

“Do you want to sit with my friends and me during lunch?”

“Sure (Askes where and so on),”

During 2nd period geometry, I sit in the very back corner of the room (my teacher assigned seats; if I had to choose, I would have chosen the 1st row…), where usually, if I sit in the back, there are more distractions; so I daze off in my own little world and space out thinking about how to ask out Kevin…And the more I thought about it, the more of a nervous wreck, I felt like.

It didn’t feel any better during 4th period English while Mr. Penhall was reading out “The Pardoner’s Tale” from our worn-out textbooks. I dazed off once again, not so much as in geometry, but enough to make me nervous that lunch was coming up and I would meet up with Kevin to ask him. Flashbacks came back to me to whenever I often confessed my crush on a boy or the 3 months of a misunderstanding relationship. And again the word “déjà vu” came about my mind. I lost my appetite to eat.

Usually band gets out early for lunch at the end of 4th period, so by the time I was talking to our usual lunch area, my whole bando-choir mix group of friends where there already…and Kevin.

Kevin had to go to the cafeteria for a moment to get some help from his cousins, so he could study for his Japanese quiz next period. So I decided to tag along. On the way there, I couldn’t get myself to ask him. Waiting in the cafeteria for a few minutes, I just stared at all the people in the cafeteria enjoying themselves and Kevin asking his cousins some questions. I wouldn’t budge. And finally on the way back. I got myself to say it, but apparently too quickly that he couldn’t hear me. So, I nervously try again. (Yet, in my pessimistic mind, I find my nervousness another part of a pointless thought.)

“Hey, Kevin. Do you want to go out sometime?”

“Go out where?”

“Errr iunno…” Apparently, I didn’t exactly think this all the way through. “Like go out…go out?” >_< I need to work on this…

“What?”

“Nevermind…” >.> Yet, he was acting so casual. Of course, that’s Kevin for you. It made me a little more relaxed rather than depressed, but going over to my friend David after my other friend named Kevin (I’ll just call him KFC by his nickname) gave me my lunch I asked him to buy for me. I wasn’t hungry…And David starts looking at me as my face showed sign of disappointment or depressed and me moving around nervously as Kevin sat on the other side on him.

I state to him my dilemma and he tries to give me some advice to ask to hang out somewhere like the movies or something. So there I sat trying to think of some places, w/out making it feel so awkward. I was quite new to this…so my mind was racing by faster than I was about to catch up to. It took a few minutes before I went over to Kevin to talk and peeped over to see him do his Japanese. Again, just budging it out again took a few minutes too. He was getting very distracted though, by the guys (for some reason, being extremely hyper that day, shouting, singing, and dancing around…yeah…don’t want to explain).

“Hey, I know I’m bothering you while you’re studying, but…do you want to hang out sometime during the weekend or something?” I try again.

“Sure, where?” I try thinking for a moment again.

“I don’t know. Where do you want to hang out?”

“I don’t care where.”

So I get quiet for a few minutes, thinking of some possible places while he studies and everyone else is going crazy. I thought movies, but then I thought my dad would probably want my brother to come along or him along as well, like last time I went to the movies with my friends. So that was out. Then I thought the park, but I thought how awkward that would be. The next thing I thought was Boomers. A bit much, but…maybe some friends could some along?
“How about Boomers?” I say, though still unsure.
“Boomers sounds cool.” I didn’t know what else to say and I would think of the time later on, so I felt a bit better and went off to go eat my food and watch him study. It didn’t really mean anything, but it made me feel more relieved that I let it out. But later on, David told me Kevin knows I liked him. So it made me uneasily…

What if he didn’t like me back?

I guess as I told myself before while thinking this whole thing through (not completely, but mostly), I’ll take that risk and I guess I can endure the emotional pain again =/ I don’t enjoy it, but what happens happens…

I don’t know what else to write (type?) next, but that I have a major official crush on him right now…though at the same time, my paranoia is coming to me, making me a nervous wreck and all the additional to the package of stressed out crushing…I just hope things don’t repeat itself all over again…

- - - - -

“Music is the best medicine in the world to sooth my mind in times like this.”

Tornados and Volcanos

“I don’t know why I write the most when I’m just not happy…but it just helps letting it out I suppose.”

- - - - -

In my mind, I just feel like throwing my belongings in my room all over the place, as a tornado would, kick my furniture, like lightning, and scream like there was no one around that I cared to hear the deathly screech, like thunder. I feel like an active volcano, building up its magma, almost ready to erupt and explode my lava all over the place. Beware, citizens. Mount Michelle is very unstable with her emotions right now…

It’s been the way almost in my house with my dad with the rules of getting in trouble. And I even remember when my cousin interviewed him years ago for her school project. One of her questions was about his discipline towards us. No matter who caused the problem…the other sibling got in trouble to for not doing anything about it before it happened. And as years pass, my sensitivity to my emotions began to increase, every time I got in trouble with my dad and, even worse, as I started getting really into the whole “crush” thing in 8th grade and on, but that’s a different story.

On Sunday, my cousins, Emerald (who is a year younger than my brother in 7th grade) and Bianca (who is a year older than me), came over for dinner with my grandparents. Emerald wanted to play on my electronic keyboard and turned it on and started to play some tunes. Then my dim-witted brother (he’s been such a jerk lately, especially the more he’s gone to middle school ._.), Alex, comes in and starts turning off the keyboard. Emerald turns it back on. He turns it back off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Emerald was trying to play some notes and press some buttons on the piano. Alex, stupidly, was turning it back off. What am I doing? I’m sitting at the computer, talking on the phone. Emerald and Alex argue so much when they see each other, I’m quite used to it by now…though, that’s where the bad part happened when I let my guard down.

“ALEX! You broke the piano!”

Me: “WHAT!??!??”

All the keys and buttons on the electronic piano were messed up. I couldn’t change tones, record tunes anymore to play duets with myself or anything…Everything was messed up ._. And some notes played louder than others or had a different tone. Alex keeps going, “I didn’t do it!” And I get angry at both Emerald and Alex, especially Alex, for breaking the piano and that Alex shouldn’t have turned off the piano while Emerald was playing. Here’s where the extremely overboard part came up that came along with the “Hi! I’m a jerk!” package after Alex came to middle school.

Alex started putting his hands around my throats and attempts to choke me. “I DIDN’T DO IT!” he shouts, in a ticked off tone. And leaves the room.

Sheesh…I mean….SERIOUSLY…I stopped being violent to him (excluding martial arts class), and I tried making it habit to rather attack him in love or something and the only time I actually argue with him is when it’s somewhat like a debate. But sometimes he just asks too many questions; so my dad and I stop answering him. But, besides that point, sometimes I wish I could strangle him sometimes too or such, but I never would actually do it.

Later on, my cousins like to tease him about an imaginary person named “Samantha” whom he supposedly has a crush on. So Emerald goes to Alex’s room to look at his elementary class pictures to see if there actually ever was a “Samantha” in any of his classes. Alex gets ticked off, throws her on the bed, and starts choking her. And Emerald comes back to my room, crying.

I get ticked off and complain to my parents. Dad calls him out for a talk. Alex comes back like his annoying self again like he always does, and opens and closes my room’s door repeating: “I didn’t do it,” as a little kid would do. I later on just lock my door and just hang around my room with Emerald. Though…I was somewhat disappointed and sad for my loss of not being able to have fun on my piano anymore =[ (at least, I still have the real one outside, but still…).

Today, I tell my dad how Alex and Emerald were fighting and broke my piano. What are the consequences? “Alex, you’re grounded. Michelle, you too.”

ME!???!?!?! WHAT THE HECK!?!? WHY ME?!!?!? (Of course, since I have to be respectful to my elders and “oriental” as my dad says, I just went, “Wait, why me?”)

“It’s your belonging; you’re responsible for it. You should have stopped them before it happened.”

Reasonable…but, even so, I was still extremely ticked off at Alex and the fact I got in trouble to it as well…It’s like whatever my brother does to get in trouble, I somehow almost always get in trouble with him when I’m with him. And this is the part sometimes where I wish I could strangle my brother.

So…Instead of being a tornado, throwing my belongings around, screaming my throat out in my room, and kicking furniture or such…I’m throwing my homework aside to write this whole rant before I actually start breaking out of the shell all crazy. (Though, academically, that might not be the best idea…)

So lately, I’ve just been a sensitive volcano ready to erupt and explode, whether I’m angrily, depressed, or a nervous wreck. (I’ve been having “crush” problems again. I’ll write about that in a separate blog). So wish the citizens of the town nearby and hope I don’t come pouring my lava on them ._.

Step It Up

I never noticed how these LA Convention Center Pictures with Sabrina, Claudia, Victoria, and me where we were standing on weird stone sculptures were quite similar to our new goal to meet this year "stepping it up" in a way. I didn't even realize how much it matched until after I made these pictures. I made new pictures in substitute for last year's sideline picture I edited for my blogspot. This year, my little lines on the pictures, instead of "Surf's Up" for riding on the turtle with Nuran, Victoria, and me, its "Step It Up." I got bored, so I even edited the white picture as well. Click on the pictures for a closer view on my DeviantArt.

Natural Smiles and Frowns

"Recently, a few days ago, a girl at my Hapkido class, told me: "You know, I see you smile a lot. Is that like a natural smile or do you just...do it?" After I thought about it, I guess it was natural, and while answering, I was trying to restrain myself from smiling so, but I couldn't help it. I never noticed how I smiled so much and how someone else noticed it...I'm pretty sure other people noticed it too in other places...but I never really thought about it...still there was something else inside that contradicted that natural smile..."

- - - - -

I feel like I'm getting supposedly carsick once again, like on my Lake Tahoe trip. UP and DOWN and left and right...Turns and bumps...

Well...at the moment, that's how my moods have been a lot lately...but overall, on the inside, I just feel darn depressed, no matter how much I smile and have fun during the day...At the end of the day, I just feel kinda...terrible...

Different traffic signs and turns and bumps after another on the road...And me, being at a very sensitive state in emotions at the moment, I just get kind of...well, obviously, moody.

I can't think right now and I wish I could think of more to write like I usually do, but it's probably the intense homework and studying time I pushed myself to do this year compared to last year to "improve myself academically." It kind of hurts my head though. Academics crashing into my mind filled with mixed emotions...not the greatest thing in the world.

I seemed to enjoy my freshman year so much last year...so far for this...2nd day of school, I've never felt school to be so...depressing before...Maybe it's just me, but it just feels that way and only to me. I mean, getting distracted, I have fun sometimes, but not until lunch. 1st period is pretty entertaining with Mr. Fitspatrick in AP Euro which wakes me up for the day for a lil laugh and smile. Geometry, I feel like a loner. Me, choosing to keep to myself, sitting in the back.

My close friend David asked me to try to befriend his girlfriend who sat next to me, but I've been trying not to talk to her, even though she could be that one person who I could befriend. But...we didn't really have very good experiences with each other in middle school and I told myself I wouldn't talk to her and just focus on the academics and the talking freshman (95% of the class is freshmen ._.). I'll try I guess and say Hi tomorrow.

P.E. It's the almost usual peeps, except for some old friends, which is pretty kewl. Time to distract myself, but I don't feel the best until lunch time when I'm with my close close friends.

Iunno, like the rest of the day is alright...but I guess, the first thing's first...

No matter how much I "naturally smile" and have fun, in the end or in between when it's over or something I don't know...I just...don't feel all that great...

When I'm depressed, I cry easily, worry, frustrate, get angry, etc. etc. Unless, I distract myself...

My first goal of the year: Try not to be depressed.

Yeah...that's all I need for now...Oh...and another.

Don't be late to 0 period...no matter how long my mom takes to get ready to leave the house to drive me and how slow she drives on the street whenever and ONLY when she drives me to school ._.

First Impressions

"Technically, was supposed to be on the first day of school. But, internet was being weird."

- - - - -

Some people say first impressions matter. Well...sometimes, but not in all cases. As for me...I just wasn't having the best of my days...and even before school even started.

Let's start with something simple first. How are you feeling today, Michelle? Somehow this reminds me of my good friend Charles from band. Whenever I asked him this very question everyday last year, his response would be: "horrible D;"

Me: "Ah, comon, Charles. Look on the bright side. Stop being so pessimistic."
Him: "Fine...It was great! -failing at trying to be optimistic attitude- No...I can't lie, Michelle... haha"

Well, for me...I have to say honestly...and I don't mean kind of in a jokingly way...I feel...depressed, angry, upset...just plain in the almost emo stage. Though, it doesn't seem like it, my moods tend to go up and down. But lately for the last few days, that's how it's been: crying, feeling depressed, getting angry, and all that jazz. And even a few suicidal thoughts.

Today after 0 period, it was hard to find some of the friends that I really wanted to see. Emily was gone and no one was at this one spot where we usually meet. Probably because most of them were in 0 period choir, but I found Ben...obviously, he hangs around the bandos, like always from last year. I found Klink from the art peeps...Nathan from just...wondering around. So that made me feel kinda disappointed for the morning...(lately...I've been a bit sensitive to my emotions due to the depression). OH and I SAW KRISTINE while being late to 0 period :3 But I never saw her again after T.T

In AP Euro 1st period, I thought Mr. Fitzpatrick would be a fun teacher to be with. I realized most of my class composed of well...the extremely smart people (asians). It made me feel weird. I haven't been with them since 8th grade and I wanted to seperate from that. All the other bandos in AP Euro were in a diff period :[ Well, at least I knew Lily and TiffChau. They were in orchestra. Westlina from PitEnsemble. And other azn people I obviously knew from GATE class. And others...so it made me feel weird how I'll do in this class compared to the rest.

In Geometry, as usual, I let out a yawn at least once...it's math...I get bored even when I'm focusing on them...there's just no way to make math fun ._. But then he opened a Youtube video on Geometry rap...scary...

P.E. Brodi grew taller than me. Go figure (The kid who used to be the shortest kid in class...) Nick's in my class again. At least Klink, Chris, and Krystal are in my class. I mean I don't mind Brodi and Nick, but they can be a handful at times.

4th Period English (I could have had band :[...) I step into Mr. Penhall's class and what is the first time I did when I stepped in.......I stopped and went....whoa.....Why do I feel like I'm in APEuro again....Why? Every single person in that class was in 1st period APEuro...that's why...I was freaking out again, but I mellowed out a bit more...I guess this explains why lots of people from APEuro had Penhall with me ._. And why everyone else had diff APEuro and Eng from me. So yeah...don't need to explain dejavu again so...

5th period Olsberg. CONNOR AND ANDREW! THE ONLY bandos from 4th period band in ANY of my classes. I really wish David or something was in my classes tho =[ Or Emily or Kaleigh or ANYONE closer than those two. I mean those two are my bando friends too, but yeah..you know what I mean...

6th period Spanish. seems like the usual. blah blah blah

I just really wished more of my choir/band friends were in my classes though...I have friends in my classes, I just really want at least one or two of my closer friends =[ O wellz...

But after school...I was telling my dad about the APEuro/Eng thing where everyones in the same class...and he went off about academics, majors, colleges, AP college credits...I just stayed quiet and got mad how he completely ignored everything I said except for the AP part....I was gonna break out in tears, but being...angry for no reason...I was holding it in and it stayed in...

My bro ticking me off...that's usual, but him being such a jerk STUPID IDIOTIC jerk lately...I just get so mad at him for everything he does and tell him to go away. Even my mom's having a thing aagainst him. I think it's those rated MATURE games...that's why they're MATURE! >[

Iunno...I just get so emotional and, yet, I give other people advice and "inspirational" speeches to help them...yet I keep bagging on myself ._.

I haven't been posting on these other problems lately, because I didn't want a lot of people to know about it because well I dunno...just a moment where I felt, I was kind of annoying talking about all my problems "all the time."

Well, my head hurts from too much Spanish translatoins for questions for 1st day hw so...I'm hitting the haystack. Cyas

- - - - -

Forgive me for this not so great blog compared to my others ._.

Can't Go to Sleep

"My friend Alice a long time ago told me that when you wake up, you could write down everything you could remember from a dream or a nightmare like a dream journal before you forget it."

- - - - -

After a good day's work of working on the new Life's MapleSyrup website, finishing it's foundation, I thought I could sleep "early" for once today...or rather...take a break. I told everyone I left to sleep at 11...but I was still awake reading Fruits Basket until around 12ish then I decided I wanted to hit the haystack for real...

I turned off my computer and I go to my bed...deciding not to sleep on my bed and just go outside and probably sleep secretly with my dog Casey in the house on the couch or something...So I slept with Casey for a bit out in the family room on the LazyBoy recliner chair...But my eyes were open...

Is it possible to sleep with your eyes open? But I was "day dreaming" at the same time...Another deja vu dream...where it bothers me enough that it makes me want to cry because it feels real...death...

Parents dying and...me being at school...covering it all up in front of my friends with my happiness...Somehow...just thinking about it...made me feel frustrated...everything felt frustrated...even if it wasn't real, thoughts ran through my head...am I just wanting attention? Why don't I tell them what happened? They probably don't notice a thing through my happy-go-lucky mask...Do they?...AGHHH...I'm asking for attention...am I really this selfish...is this selfishness or is it just me?

Dreaming me taking care of my bro while they're gone...me crying over their death...

But the thing that felt like a familiar chill everytime I go to a band tourney or rather a concert or anywhere where the band parents were there to support their kids...there was me, staring at a bunch of parents and siblings congradulating and supporting their child at a football game? a band tourney? Settings are strange in dreams...but...I couldn't keep my eyes off of them...and that chill went down me again. "Stop staring at them...look away..." I kept telling myself...I wanted it... "Stop looking..." I wanted it... "Look away" Why did you have to go?

I looked away... Was I only finding a way out of the pain...escaping the truth...being happy? looking away...but after, I just led my brother back into the bleacher stands and putting back on my happy mask when confronting my friends.

I remember later on...I get all dazed out...thinking to myeslf depressed...then they question me what's wrong and I burst out "I'm hungry! I want ice cream! Who wants ice cream? Anyone? No one? Someone come with me. I want ice cream!" in a ...happyish state...it bugged them...and I could imagine their faces, David, Kevin, and Gilbert's faces...only theirs...why only their's? Worried... And Nathan just being his "stupid" self...

I didn't feel hungry...and buying the ice cream, sometimes I'd just stare at it in depression then snap back into happy mode before the person who was with me saw or said anything.

I remember dropping the ice cream... punching...the wall? the gate? (settings...blurry), but it was definately the area where we always hung out at school...and me finally cracking out of my shell...finally? "I...w-was....wondering if...if...y-you guys...w-...wanted to go...to...my...p-...par-....parent's funeral with me." The last part too fast and mumbled to be heard.

One of them: "What did you say?"

I quickly put the mask back on.

"Nothin! I was just thinking to myself!" And something else all happy and innocent like...But again they questioned...and yadidah...

But I could remember me holding in tears from remembering past memories...not too great memories of my dad..."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL YOU KNOW" going to band practice... "STUPID..." .... "STUPID" ....i'm not stupid...............I'm not...."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL" just another temper tantrum........ "I'm very disappointed in you." "You need to be like other girls" "STUPID!!" STOP IT!

I woke up...Casey sleeping peacefully in my lap...me trying to close my eyes...but the whole time...my eyes were open...

I want to eat something...

I rummaged the refridgerator...nothing...cabinet...I grabbed the box of crackers and started eating them and heading back to my room after I let Casey back outside...I didn't eat them because they tasted good...it reminds me back into 1st semester health from Mr. Birinyi. I only ate them because it made feel better and satisfied... But...I wasn't hungry...

I couldn't sleep...So I just pulled a blanket over my head and climbed back onto the computer again...

Sometimes...I feel better...a bit writing it all out...even though I feel dead-like still in the end...at the same time...I wish I didn't because everyone would read it and start trying to comfort me or go "awwww D; hope you feel better" or something like that...

plz dont... I feel like saying that...agian i feel like I'm only wanting more attention...I wanted someone to read this...but at the same time...I want to just run off and keep to myself and when I'm ready to go back to reality...I'm put back on my mask...

"I'm pathetic...absolutely retarded and stupid..." I remember myself saying that after putting the happy mask on after trying to ask my friends to attend the funeral with me...And again I say it...Confused again...I can't escape it...and it's backfired for the millionth time in a dream...no...a nightmare I wish I would stop dreaming about every so often lately...or weird dreams that would never come true, but bug me like heck.

What do I want??!?!

...

I want to go to sleep.

No Such Thing as A "UnITverse"

"Forgive me if this is a bit wierd and confusing. I only wrote this to release some thought 'stress.' Not really stress, but just to write about something I was thinking about for a bit. I do not wish to hear any comments specific to who HIM, HER, or IT are. I wish to keep this anonymous."

- - - - -

It makes me sick...absolutely sick, not ill-sick...disgusted-sick...angry-sick, but I don't want to be the one to take the action to violence anymore when things like this happen. I want to help. To rid of IT that hurt the society to gain IT's feeling of superiority. To put HIM or HER down to create them to be who they are today and in a state of weakness. Sometimes I wished IT were gone...sometimes I wanted to kill that IT, but it wasn't worth it in the end, to get in as much trouble as IT would be in as well. But then again...it'd be worth it to help HER...to help HIM.

Sometimes I wish that I had a more matured and true-caring heart one or two years ago that I had and have now. But I can't seem to change that since I cannot force a flower to bloom before winter melts into spring. I had a childish heart back then, but if I had known HIM...if I knew...if I had the guts...if, if, if, if...It's already happened, so why ask myself if? But I know now...if I had a chance to do it, I'd help HIM. Quiet and shy...kept to themselves...why does IT love to pick on the weak and innocent? Because they cannot fight back? Because of IT, HE has become the bitter self HE is today. No friends. Great everything, but no one notices...Ever since IT.

I didn't believe that all this bullying actually existed in my innocent childish life...until the day I was in the same class as HER...IT came near HER...and I saw fear and nervousness in HER eyes and, just in her unsteadiness, IT was dangerous...dangerous to HER, at least. And I pulled HER, giving IT a glare to stay away. But that only made IT want to bug HER more...to tease HER...to bully HER in any mental way...some never learn and I'm amazed some wish to ignore these same problems that have been occuring in different situations all throughout history...

Just like HIM, SHE was quiet and shy and has become pessimistic at times. But on the inside at times, SHE can be optimistic, great to be around when she's happy, and a good friend. IT, although, is the reason why SHE gets scared and insecure...Sometimes, I wish to strangle IT...but I do not wish to lead to my violent ways anymore for the answer.

Nobody likes HIM...Most people at least...HE's bitter and cold and sometimes some think HE has a messed up mind...but I believe HE can be really good at heart...if HE was given a chance. IT picked on HIM just as much as on HER, but probably more, and, perhaps, the results of all the suffering vary.

But, I wish to help HER...to make HER strong...to gain self-confidence...to stand up to IT and be everything SHE can be without IT getting in the way.

I wish to be HIS friend, so his ice cold heart can bloom as well, so others will see that HE is an amazing person...to see that SHE can be strong. The true weaker one from start to the end will always be IT, no matter how much IT tries to put HIM, put HER, put anyone down, for their own selfish needs and feelings for superiority. We are all human, yet it makes me sick, IT wishes to feel more superior than one another when in general, we are all the same, whether we're missing an arm, a leg, half of a body, an ability to read like some others, and even if we are missing confidence to stand up for oneself. We're human; we have a soul; we are alive. IT is what causes the scars. WE can be the one to heal them...for HER...for HIM...

This school year, my goals are to help HIM and HER become strong, not in the negative way that IT has led to, but in a way, it will benifit THEMSELVES and US. Bring IT down, not with violence, but with strength and confidence, happiness and life to let him know, there is no such thing as a "unITverse," only a "universe," equality for "uno"...one. One for all.

This is my project and my goal for HIM and HER.

The Definition of Our Generations

Today, I came to the Adobe InDesign Workshop Productivity Tour in the LA Convention Center with some of the Baron Banner crew: Victoria, Sabrina, and Claudia. I thought things would just be just a teach and learn about InDesign more thing...And it somewhat was...but, boy, did I get more than I came for. And the thing that came to my mind the most, was how strange the humor of all the adults were in the room, finding humor in a whole bunch of things, I would have never gotten as funny or laughed at.

We were the youngest of all the attendees of the workshop and after awhile from the moment we entered the room, we got used to that and I'm pretty sure, the adults around us we're trying to get used to it too. But everytime the instructor made a joke, or did something "funny"...or perhaps some adults made a funny remark, they all laughed...of course they did, didn't they? I mean they're adults. But something about it, somewhat, freaked me out.

I then began to get into some deep thinking about while listening on to the InDesign seminar. It's amazing how different human being change within the years: styles, attitude, fashion, technology, knowledge, etc. But it happens through each generation that passes by. What our parent generation's sense of humor, for example in my point of view, they could find things completely funny that teens or kids of our generation would be all like...I don't get it...how do you find this funny? And sometimes through the seminar, I would just shake my head, smiling to myself, at the adults laughing. "Oh my gosh..." I would say to myself. It would be vice versa from the children to the adults as well. But there are still similarity in humor as well in some areas of those generations. America's Funniest Videos. Most of those videos, who wouldn't laugh? Some videos, although, some would be like... that's not funny...while the rest of their peers are cracking up like crazy.

Humor changes then around between generation and generation and, I bet, if I knew how to speak completely fluent Vietnamese and I tried making a joke with my greatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreat (you get it) grandfather or grandmother. They probably would have never gotten it...UNLESS without even knowing it, our sense of style that varies between each generation goes in a various cycle.

Everyone in each generation has their own sense of definition in life or how they make up their generation. It's very peculiar and very interesting...I can't believe I actually would come to think of that...but now that I think about it, isn't it true?

It reminds me of genetics--how you get half of your mom's chromosomes and half of your dad's, but how I see it, part of the similarities of interest from the previous generation and a mix of your own interest you find yourself that makes the generation unique than the other.

Next time I go to something with almost all adults, I'll just sit, listen, and think about how different our generation has merged off of their branch.

I Measured My Ear

That's right...I can't believe it...but I measured my ear...

I never thought someone would actually ask me this kind of question before, but I was willing to answer just to be the nice self as I was.

This is a response comment to my previous blog post from January 2008: My Small Ears:

"rhoda said...

hi michelle, how old are you? and how small are they exactlly? because i have a 3-month old baby whose ears are so small and i'm worried that something's wrong with her."

Well, Rhoda, I'm fifteen >.> Don't worry, I don't have an ear infection or anything. And...(yes, I measured them ._. lol) they are 2 inches long? O_O Man, now I feel awkward :D

I'm going to admit to the world. I have small ears; how should I know? My parents, brother, and friends tease me about it sometimes...

...and I measured it myself :]

Special News!

Part 1

Kids in America MMV
[link]
Posted May 18, 2008

I won 3rd place (SonyVegas/Adobe/Ulead editing) in Wishinuponastarr's Special News Contest! I'm so happy! I never thought I would win a contest for MS videos. I thought mine was too not oober crazy editing like the other guys, but I got a 10 for creativity, 8 for song used, 9 for editing and 27 total as a score (out of 30). I'm so happy. I don't know what my prize is yet, but it doesn't matter. I'm so happy :3 Now my videos will be recognized a bit more when peopple watch my 3rd place entry.

Part 2

I got my blue belt today in Hapkido! I feel really happy about this too, because next test, I get to break boards. Except since I'm 14+, I have to break thicker boards than my brother Alex. I also get to learn skyfall. I can't wait. My bro and I also started going every weekday to Hapkido and I absolutely love martial arts now :] We go to take down and sparring on Tues/Thurs. And last Thursday, I beat Alex twice in sparring. haha, Wimp :3

Upcoming Stuff

I have a Adobe workshop with my Baron Banner FVHS newspaper staff at the LA Convention Center and I'm going to wear my new brown hat with ears I got at AnimeExpo at the LAConventionCenter just last Saturday. I love my new hat :3 I can't wait to see the BB gang agian. At least, some of them hehe.

I'm going on vacation to Lake Tahoe from July 14-18. I haven't gone on vacation with my family in a long time. We usually go every summer, but last summer, because of band, I couldn't (money). Because of gas prices, we will be driving up and staying in the cabin instead of taking the trailer. My first time being in a cabin. It'll be kewl =] MORE SWIMMING!

My 15th Birthday is coming up on July15. Hehe 15 on the 15th. I already sent out details about that to the BDay Invites to my buddies :] I'll be celebrating it with my buds after I get back from vacation on the 19th.

My annual piano testing is coming up (or as my teachers call it "auditions"). This year, I'm on level PA...I don't know what that stands for but I know last time I was in ID which was Intermediate D; so I must be in the advanced program. Now that it's summer, I got to focus on my piano playing more and, sadly, because of my procastinatin for not practicing a lot during the year, I have four songs to memorize anad test for rather than 5 or 7. So I'm in the ....district level? Iunno. The least I ever had was 5, which is district, and 3 is Local. 7=National; 10=International. Wish me luck in later July/early August.

- - - - -

Still really happy about the contest and my belt and I can't wait for upcoming stuff. Summer otherwise at the moment despite all the excitement is extremely boring at home. I'm not allowed to go outside when my parents are at work D: Well...excluding the backyard :] Hope you are all having a better summer than I am. BYE!~~

-Much love, Michelle Doan

Ahhh...Summer Relaxation...or Too Much Relaxation?

Summer...Most people can't wait for it when school comes and sometimes myself, I do wish it were summer with all the loads of schoolwork. But...is it really better? Conversations online could go from GREAT...FUN! Absolutely hyper at times or deep. Then later on the neutrality of summer starts to dim down even more from all the climaxes...to boring.

Sometimes even through all the fun, especially when you're not with your friends and such...summer relaxation can become a little bit too good too be true and it ends up to a point where you're doing absolutely nothing.

Maybe you could get yourself to feel a little less "summer-relaxed" if it's too much to bare. Join an activity you could do during school that has summer practice or meetings at school (i.e. clubs, extra cirricular). Or maybe, try to feel less lonely and into that mood where you are totally used to being home doing nothing, seeing none of your companions and everything's...dull. Dull is not fun. Dull is the complete opposite of fun and if you think dull is fun. You're absolutely crazy. But I do agree with my previous editor-in-chief Titus with one of his comments he made on my long time ago blog posts: I'd take stress anyday over a day that was the same over and over again, especially a very dull day of watching TV, going on the computer/Internet, and eating and sleeping.

So, I extremely advise you and, yet try to force myself, to cherish all the out-of-the-boredom moments of summer and spend equal time with your friends and family and maybe even create some events. Be warned that overload of summer relaxation will hit you when you least know it.

Learn Something New Everyday. First Step: Try

When you learn something new, you obviously have to try it to actually learn more about it and get used to it…trying asin observing, exploring, experimenting…it’s kind of like a science project. In the end, you have a conclusion and a better idea of your new learning.

Well, I haven’t really gotten myself to try WordPress lately. I’ve only posted one post and I have no excuse anymore to say that I can’t think of anything to type about. I’ve just been distracted and dazing off in this summer neutrality (English is such a strange language, I’m not even sure if “neutrality” is a real word. Could be. I’ll make it a real word!…in my world). So, what’s my point I’m tryiing to give here? I’m quite clueless again with this new blog host. It took me a couple minutes to figure out I was logged on. It even makes me curious: “Can we even change our passwords to something we can remember, rather copy and pasting the randomized letters and numbers off my email?” How do I post a blog again? And more clueless adventure to come. But at the moment, I’m still at the beginning of my billion-feet long sub-sandwich.

I’ve been trying to tell myself that I’ll do this and I’ll do that. But will I actually do it? I just have to try…

Apologies - Stuck in Art

Forgive me for not blogging on this blogger or Wordpress lately. I've been busy being distracted looking at art school information and exploring deviantART a lot lately. Well, I entered a contest to design a poster for AnimeExpo and I didn't win, of course, but this is my entry:

I've also made and designed my first web interface. I made it for my club DesignPot on deviantARt. This is what the interface looks like:

I'm getting really tired, but I've done a lot of art stuff on my deviantART, along with something to style up my journal/blog on DA. Please check it out and comment back!

www.michixchan93.deviantart.com

Busy Summer Bee

Summer's been a bit of a time-wasting bore. I can't believe that it's almost close to July already.

But this summer's about to give me a chunk of busy stuff to do soon...then most likely return to complete boredom.

Today, I have my Hapkido Martial Arts test today to test for my blue belt. I can't wait at the same time, I can wait for the boredom I'll have there sitting for an hour or two as everyone else tests before me. White, yellow, orange, purple. GREEN. YAY! blue...brown...oooo....RED going black. WOW! And it's over. Haha. The test reminds me of how my summer will be--neutral... then a CLIMAX...then neutral...then...I nice climax end as well :] (I wonder what will be the climax to my summer after my summer busy chunk.

On Friday, I'm going to see Wall-E with a couple of my friends, I can't wait, though, I hope the lines aren't too big and the tickets aren't sold out. A couple of my friends going will also pay me some money for some Life's MapleSyrup shirts I've designed and will make for the cast members and some friends/fans who were willing to buy some. (Design: http://michixchan93.deviantart.com/art/Life-s-MapleSyrup-Shirt-Tifa-89373989).

I got my parents to have another party for the family on the 4th of July and that night, my cousin William is going to sleep over and come with me and three other friends to AnimeExpo at the LA Convention Center. I can't wait for that.

Then later, I have to go to the LA Convention Center again for a Baron Banner thing with Victoria, Sabrina, Claudia, Titus, and I think Photo Club, but I'm not sure. (I'd give details, but until I read that email again, I'll explain later after I go.)

Then I have my birthday party! I'm going to celebrate it with my friends at the park near my house three days before my birthday because I'll be on vacation to Lake Tahoe for a week from July 14-20.

After that? Nothing planned so far after that...So yeah, a bit busy for a bit later...starting today :] Wish me luck at the belt test!

Structured

Posted on Baron Banner Blogs

http://baronbanner.com/blogs/?p=22

- - - - -

Michelle has been caught in the scene of the crime and pronounced guilty!

You guys probably have something like this if you read one of my recent blog posts on the other Baron Banner Blogs on Blogger.

For awhile, I have been delaying and stalling time to post in these blogs and it makes me think, “I can’t really write anything as good as everyone else in those blogs.” But then again, writing can have rules and you can bend them in anyway you want to interpret your message.
I couldn’t think of a single great thing to write about, but there are a million ways and great things to write about in any event, and a blog post is just waiting there to be written on. For a public blog, I suppose I can write all I want and be honest and confident about it, just as much as my regular blogs, but more “structured,” I suppose.

The way I see it, most of our blog posts from the blogger were mostly personal and like a diary or journal, a personal one in which anyone can write freely, whether caring for grammar or mistakes or not. I see now as, also, a blueprint or a brainstorm map…And usually as most people start off in certain writing (let’s take essays, for example), a rough draft.

“Structured.” I don’t completely understand how to exactly structure my writing in the blogs and I’m still trying to figure out how to put some…well strenghth into my article writings like my blogs, without turning it into something like an editorial or something with cheerleading into it. I’m kind of drifting away from the point so… (I guess that part was un-structured to the post).

Most of the best writings I have ever written was sometime I could relate to or something that I extremely thought into in my mind with brainstorm. So if we just chose to write an article, just because we had a passion for it, it would turn out to be a better article (with the basic needs of an article, of course). But if we were picked or chose to write an article that was news we didn’t exactly particularly liked, but chose because we needed an article to write, there is a bit of slack and less strength in that writing. If there was something interesting that could catch our attention in each article, a bit of something that makes us know that the article or the post was something we could relate to or want to read…something like a hook of a story and another hook within the story… Something that authors and writers perfect in, that makes us urge to read more. I feel like that is because a part of the author’s passion into writing and trying to interest in in anyway with steps. (Structured?)

I’m not sure where I was going with this blog, but -ding- I guess I found something to write about; though, I have to try to be more confident with my writing with this post. I also suppose, I was trying to understand myself, about the word “structured.” So far, in most of these posts, I felt a bit of passion and a bit of interest into the blogs from the authors. I hope mine have done the same. Sorry, if I don’t make a bit sense at all.

It's Not...The End...of the World...

Must...vent out frustration...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH T.T I GOT MY FIRST C ON A REPORT CARD....Wait...HOLY CRAP NOOO I GOT A C. WHY!?!?!?!?....well i know why >_<>well at least i got productive attitude comments and a o in citizenship in eng despite my B

i dont care about any of the other grades....i knew they were gonna be ther same...but.....C!!!?! i forgot to turn my packet last day of schoool....why was my bio final last day of school T_T AND MY GRADE LOWERS FROM A SAFE 83% to....A C T_T wahhhhh and i worked so hard to raise it too and try to.........why me......i was gonna be worrired about that grade after school was over and i could nvr turn in th epacket after and now i feel terrible T_T absolutely terrible

now all i want to do is worry about that C and when my dad opens the report card T.T......he's gonna lecture me again about grades and college which is gonna get annoying and .....MY FIRST C T_T and question me y i didnt get a b like i said....IF I TURNED IN MY PACKET STUPID ME FOR NOT REMMEBERED TO BRING MY PACKET ON THE BIO FINAL RAWR T_T........im gonna bag on myself for awhile....

4 a's, 2 b's, 1 c.... T_T one....c..........

Guilty!

Michelle Doan is declared guilty! You are sentenced to a lifetime in jail!

Nah, I'm just playing around. I just feel somewhat bad. Why? Well...I haven't really gotten myself to post on the new Baron Banner blogs lately. I kind of feel like my blog is just gonna be another un"structured" post like here...or maybe personal. I don't know. I've questioned myself and other things sometimes, but reading some of the posts on the blog, it just seems so intensely thought into and it makes me feel bad that I can't really write as...well...I don't know how to say it--deeply? as the other guys. I've read some of the poetry and writing from the old and new blogs and it makes me unsure. I'll get myself to write something eventually ._. I'll just write in these blogs until I can think of something good? to write about.