Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Half n' Half



So yeah, last week...

Last week all the way up to ...Tuesday? Wednesday? I was depressed out of my mind. Stressing out like crazy. ESPECIALLY Tuesday...

I wanted to run away from home. And I was ready to if I didn't go to piano school.

After the 5th time of going back and forth to my guidance counselor to go join 7th period Theatre Production. My dad finally tells me to drop it. He doesn't want to drive me back and forth from school and home and he won't let anyone else drive me nor let me walk to school. He doesn't want to use up his time volunteering if he was required to (which he doesn't) and doesn't want to pay more money ($50 vs the $3k from band freshman year). He wants me to focus more on academics because he doesn't trust me doing extra stuff without maintaining grades. (I blame myself for the last day of school, forgetting to turn in my Bio packet for Ms. Foley which dropped my B to a C freshman year). I mean 6th period Theatre is okay. But it's so boring because I was three days late to signing up for festival, plus it seems more active if I join a production (Charlie Brown or Three Angry Jurors, both of which I can't try out for because my dad forbids me to.

So going to piano school, I was waiting in the car, kinda upset as is because I was already having a crappy week so far. I was munching away my stress on a sandwich (I wasn't even hungry) as I was waiting forever for my dad and my brother to come out. Apparently, Alex broke his glasses (again) while playing basketball with his friends back at Gisler.

When they finally come out, my dad is completely furious and he comes into the car, SLAMS the car door shut, turns on the car, smacks the radio to shut up and waits there. Before driving out of the driveway, he seriously yells madly into my ear about how tired he is, how much money he makes, how we don't appreciate anything he does, how Alex is slacking at school, just everything. I didn't finish my sandwich, but I had it beside me in my right hand while he was screaming at us.

After handling years of his reckless scolding, I learned to try to hold it in without uncontrollably staggering breathing and stiffing, but a rain of tears still came out. When we finally drove up to the side of the business building where piano was, I climbed up and walked up the stairs and I was trying my best to hold it in. But I had to let it out a little and I walked into the apartment, trying to wipe my eyes clean. My teacher saw me, but by then, my eyes were still kinda eh, but I wasn't crying. And I went to my new classroom. There was another piano in there, but luckily, no one else was sitting in there with me today. While Co Thuy went to teach the other student out by the grand piano, I sat at my piano (which actually a good quality electric piano for once) and wiped my face with tissues.

In the car and at the beginning of the lesson, I thought to myself, "I wanna run away." I planned it all out in my mind. I would take the laptop, my phone, my bag with all my school stuff, and some clothes. I'd leave behind my stuffed animals, Casey, my bed...I didn't car. I wouldn't live in the streets though. There's no friend I'd trust to go to, whose parents would be willing to take a runaway friend in. And the only family I trusted would take me in would be Bianca and Emerald's. So I'd take off for there at night. Or I could go to a shelter. Anywhere, but home. I hated it there.

I started to practice piano on my Sonata song and Rockata. Some little kids started to look through the window of my door to see who was playing the vibrant up-and-at-it song of my Rockata...some teachers too. I tried not to notice though. While playing my Sonata, Co Thuy and my old teacher Co Hai (now Alex's teacher) was listening along while having a conversation in my room. "She's so talented at playing piano, but she's just lazy at practicing," they said. Which I guess was a compliment, which it was, but it was true. I do get quite lazy at practicing piano. But I'm starting to practice more again. Once or twice a week now at home XP compared to none at all...Eh, it's a start.

After piano, I felt calm again, but getting back into the car with my dad, I got quiet and angsty again. The rest of the night, I spent it upset, stressed, and such. No one really understands what I go through, no matter now I explain it, even Charlie.

Whenever I explain all these stressful stuff to people, they're always like, I know how you feel, my parents do that too. I feel like they don't truly know unless they were in my shoes, literally.

That's just me.

Anyway, that was last Tuesday. The rest of the week, things started to get chill again.

Thursday, I started my first day in 6th period theatre after talking to my guidance counselor for the 6th time. I got nervous and shy, but I got used to the atmosphere pretty easily. I just wish I could join production and do more. I asked some of my new friends Skylar, Andrew (Ochoa), Alex, and Lauren to help me out by maybe giving me some acting exercises to get a jist of it. I also went to a BBN workshop thingy from 5:30pm and stayed at school until 8pm, helping Sean with editing sports anchor.

The next day, Friday, was the BBN, where I got praised for my amazing typography skills with my Pennies for Patients PSA by the staff members. Also, JoVo called Andrew (Neal), Nick, Addi, Presley, and me up after the meeting about the BBN. We all attended the BBN workshop...ish the previous day, and JoVo was confident with our group as we were all juniors and were strong as leaders for next year's executive admin for BBN. She wanted each of us to figure out in 5minutes what to say about why each of us should be the next episode producer.

I panicked and made a big list of why. I was responsible. I am a fast learner, am able and wish to learn more stuff, like graphics design, Adobe Aftereffects, greenscreen, and I will be willing to teach it to others, punctual, artistic skills, etc.

So I went first. The rest of the guys just mentions how to improve the BBN. I felt pretty confident with myself. After some discussion, JoVo, Josh, Sean, Soheil, and Jessica called us back and told us all of us are going to be working with each other. Heh? So we were basically going to replace the five of them. Oh...cool :] Alaa though wasn't too sure about that and spoke to Mr. Ziebarth about it.

My weekend basically consisted of talking to Charlie, zooming around on the laptop at times (I don't go on my computer a lot during the weekend), studying for math and a little bit of writing skills for the SAT, and watching TV. I snuck Casey into my room at night twice on Sunday night and Monday night :D Buahahha. Except Casey snores sometimes =/ Nya.

So on Monday, Presley texted me that we had a production meeting in the BBN room for lunch. Lunch? What time? We had school off on Monday because of Lincoln's birthday...right? I called her.

"Hey, um...you know for the production meeting?"
"Yeah?"
"What time is lunch?"
"...When the bell rings...?"
"...o.o...-confused- What time is that...?"
"I don't know...When the bell rings..."
"Erm...okay ^_^""" Thanks."
"Uh-huh."
-hangs up-

Crap...It was 10am. So it must be around passing period right? For 2nd to 3rd period. O_O

What if I was truant from school and I only THOUGHT today was a day off?

I remembered earlier that day my mom laughing how my cousin William accidentally went to school the previous Monday. And I was laughing to, but what if I was a joke and I missed school D; How embarrassing!!

So, I was freaking out for the next 10-20minutes. I called Kevin Ai's and Kevin Avent's house numbers. I didn't want to interrupt their class time just in case if they WERE in class if I called their cell phones. No answer. Dx What if they weren't home because they were at school!?!?? I thought about calling the school and asking if there was school today, but that would seem stupid and embarrassing as well. Perhaps I should call the school, sound like my mom and excuse myself from school as sick. Dx

My mom decided to go visit my aunt to play with Phuong Trinh (Elizabeth) and her Ong Ba Noi (our Ong Ba Ngoai is visiting in Viet Nam and isn't coming back until March). Luckily, my uncle had a laptop in his room where Phuong Trinh was sleeping. I immediately went on FVHS.com and checked the calendar: Lincoln's Birthday HOLIDAY...holiday? I called Presley.

"Hello?"
"Hi, Presley, It's Michelle."
"Oh, hey"
"Um...do we have school today?"
"No, no, no..."
"Oh, okay." And I told her my story.

Apparently, she meant tomorrow and forgot to include that in her text. Whew. (Tomorrow meaning Today o.o)

Charlie had school though :D Buahhahah Sucker. JK. I love him :3

So today, we had our little meeting during lunch for BBN. Andrew, Nick, Addi, and Me. It was time to separate our responsibilities, as Andrew put it. According to our conversation, Nick wanted to handle the production meetings and the cabinet with Sydnee, Addi wanted to do whatever and was sports manager, and Andrew, Presley, and I crashed heads into the position as executive producer for next year and episode producer for the next BBN. We decided to go into compromise and to switch off positions for the next BBN. Andrew and Presley were going to be episode producers, while I was the anchor's producer but still help do rounds (ask people to make sure they do their clips) and timeline (work on teh WHOLE BBN, which is what the episode producer does), Addi was sports manager, and Nick was cabinet (which isn't exactly executive staff...so......?). I was kind of disappointed, but that's okay. I was kind of jealous of Andrew and Presley though, saying they have already "shadowed" Jovo and the rest of the executive staff. So they basically know what they're doing. Dx Huh. I'll deal with it. Keep my head up.

I have to study for my APUSH Ch25 quiz now and do my Alg2 homework now...so I'll save the rest of the week for THIS weeks post o.o I think I should imitate Charlie...Post every Sunday. I was planning Wednesday, but yeah XP Whateverrrrrrr

Peace out :D yo
Michi

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Pennies for Patients PSA script

"This is the script for my BBN PSA for Pennies for Patients."

- - - - -

This is your wallet. Maybe it looks like this. Either way…this is your wallet.

Let’s see what’s inside your wallet.

A couple pennies…some nickels, dimes and quarters; Let’s not forget those dollar bills.

This is a box…Not just any box.

Now if you see a white box with this logo on it in your fourth period class, I mean…It has to be telling you something, right?

Pennies for Patients… “eh?” … huh…

Imagine if every student and teacher donated all their spare change they never use. You can donate pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, dollar bills, as much as you wish to donate! All this change, added, up, will be sent to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to help fund research for the cure for cancer.

Here’s a bonus. The fourth period class who raises the most money in three weeks from the first day your box is delivered to your class will win a pasta party. That’s right, pasta.

So donate now to Pennies for Patients. Because your small change can make a big difference.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Retracting Back my Dark Corner

This week feels like...crap...

Of course, I don't really know what it really feels like to be a pile of poo...but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean.

I haven't felt like this in forever...

Everything at home just makes me feel so frustrated, angsty, upset...angry...yeah...

My brother pisses me off every single day with his annoyance. Everyone says, oh all siblings do that. It's the "typical sibling rivalry." This isn't the Full House show, where after there's a fight, you get a nice comfy hug. Since this is a journal, I mind as well be 100% be myself and mind. He's a total annoying bastard who should get a life...Seriously...I have my door locked...BANG BANG BANG BANG. Me: "What?" Him: "Let me in." Me: "Why?" Him: "Because." Me: "You don't need anything." Him: "Yes, I do. I forgot something in there." Me: "You're a bad liar." Him: "I swear!" -opens door- He comes into my room and walks out...or even worse, he comes in tries to grab one of my stuff and run out...or climb on my bed with his stinky feet or drooly face. Or my dad yelling at me or pushing me around like I'm an unanimous object to take his anger and stress out at. I think he thinks I'm ugly (my physique, my hair, etc...He always calls me fat and disses on my style and looks). Even worse, when my mom sees me all like eh, she gives me the bad attitude, which makes me feel more crappy.

Sometimes, I wish I could just runaway. I want to go to college soon. Get some years of relief away from home.

I spotted a flyer at school while heading to my guidance counselor to talk to about theatre about runaways, providing shelter for any runaway or such if there is a conflict at home, etc. I was curious to write down the information for later, just in case, but I didn't and I planned to go back later to right it down. I told Charlie about this, and I was surprised to hear that he wanted details on it, instead of opposing it. Not really what I expected.

I just feel so depressed and crappy so much lately, I kind of wanna shoot myself...like George did to Lennie in Of Mice and Men that we just finished reading in CP English 3. The other day when I was completely dead-spirited, I took two painkillers just to relieve the excruciating pain from the palm of my hands. I never took pills before during depression time, but after that, it feels like it's tempting to take them again. I was tempted to take the whole bottle without my parents looking, and keeping it just in case.

Charlie freaked and told me not to take the painkillers anymore, since he was scared of losing me, like the story he told me about a guy strangling himself and girl killing herself too (I forgot how it went).

I started of thinking, just like in the book Wintergirls to cut myself...Yeah, I said it: cut myself. I never cut myself before, but I felt/feel? so tempted. Perhaps it would hurt too much...Maybe that's the point, but, at least, I know now not to cut myself on the wrist (it's too obvious). I didn't though. "Michelle, I think you're overreacting," Charlie says.

Maybe I am... "I think you're PMSing," he says. Perhaps...

And I feel like such a jerk...IDIOTIC; I get angry and upset with myself. Stop it, Michelle! ...for thinking the stupidest things...but I just can't help it...

I was looking at Charlie's tagged photos the other day on Facebook and I spotted one of his really old pictures from 2007-08 (freshman year) and some comments from his ex-girlfriend Becca; so I went to stalk her on her page and her photos and what Charlie commented to her. A couple that seemed to get to me were:

Charliee Makika
dood u look hot :P
u should taake more pixies or ur self :D
ur pix is 2 shiny D: i can't see half of u >< (but i like the it's shiny :D)
July 31, 2007 at 5:49pm

Charliee Makika
lol alvin is kinda right xD cuz ur jux that hawt lol
September 17, 2007 at 2:10am

Beccaa Chuu Chuu
lol whos the cute 1 xD
September 16, 2007 at 3:53pm
Charliee Makika
BOTH OF U! lol but i like becca more :P lol
September 16, 2007 at 3:59pm
Charliee Makika
me and becca are always teh cutest! (except i'm not really and becca is really really cute♥)

Hot...(basically cute, pretty, beautiful...anything that goes under the same category...including sexy), I like her more, always the cutest, I'm pretty sure he said I love you to her too a lot, like I did with Dani, of course, I don't feel like I truly meant it as much as now, seeing all the stuff that happened between us. I didn't feel as significant anymore. I mean, I love him. I'm just...scared...jealous? upset, obviously... Why the heck am I thinking about this when we just got through one successful year together already...!?!? I don't know...-imagines self shooting brain out- Stupid mind... I feel like the worst girlfriend though still...thinking of all this. And it felt so tempting to think some more, but I got mad at myself and Charlie started being like >.> with me talking about it. Why are you so stupid, Michelle? Why can't I think of the positives of this relationship FOR ONCE!!?? I mean...I guess I do...but...-shrugs-

...I think I'm like completely obsessed with how Charlie's previous relationships went...especially Becca and him, since I am more familiar with it and I found her on Facebook...I was really determined to go through Charlie's WHOLE wall of older posts until I hit the beginning of 2009 when he broke up with Becca, just so I could look at their wall-to-wall (I also found this guy who was Becca's friend, named Kenny) and I looked at their conversation. I'm such a freak...

I wish Charlie was here...like seriously...maybe I wouldn't be worrying about all this stuff...maybe, maybe not...But I know he loves me...and I need to keep in mind (or rather, keep out of mind) that Charlie's past doesn't matter (and should go...poof :D).

I'm just scared, that one day, I might become another one of his ex's, which I hope in a million...billion...infinity and beyond years will never happen.

But maybe I'm just hanging on the so-called love I have already, just like my previous...But I don't want to think into depth about that...

I have finals coming up...Well, I AM having finals right now...Get out of school early :] Yay. English was easy and I hope I get a high or middle B in that class, Geometry is tomorrow...going to ace it as well as the class (then off the Algebra 2...thank gosh...), and APUSH and AP Studio Art 2D Design on Friday (classes with most hassle to study or prepare a portfolio for the final). :]

But I've been distracted a lot lately by stupid emotions/stress and the computer and internet.

The highlight of my week so far, standing oh so glamorous bright out of all the downers in this entry...perhaps just talking to Charlie, period, despite all the burdens of depression I have poured upon him D; Wahh...I'm sorry... is all I have to say over and over again. (TABOO WORD -smack- ...thank you :D)

I really HAVE to get the thought that I'm probably not that special of a girlfriend out of my head...I can't stop thinking about it...

Someone put me out of my misery =( I don't know how anyone can stand me being depressed like this...