Why that little....

INFURIATED!!! AGGRAVATED!!!! AND IF YOU (you know who you are >[ ) ARE READING THIS, I DON'T REALLY CARE. Cause I like expressing myself to the world. Whether the worlds wants to read it or not. MAD, ANGRY, TICKED OFF. I wanna scream and strangle 'em. Yet we all know, I would never actually do it.

"AUGHHHH I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'M SO FREAKING MAD. AND U KNOW WAT??? I'M EXPRESSING AND BROADCASTING IT TO THE WORLD! do i care? NO do i want attention? I'M JUST EXPRESSING MYSELF. and i don't care for what JERKS LIKE U HAVE 2 SAY. immature? yes. do i care?NO" was my Facebook and Yahoo Messenger status.

Some guy I knew and wasn't much close friends with IMs me on Facebook. We have a normal conversation when it later came into academics and he mentioned how "gay" AP Euro was because of their style of teaching, unlike how college would be. And after I mentioned honors, things went way out of hand. He judged how pathetic and immature I was, and the way he gave details, it sounded like he was checking up from time to time on me. (stalker...?) And keeps telling me I just ask for attention. I got....angry though I didn't say anything (obviously to him, he probably would expect me to get angry since he kept judging me with my emotions and status's. Insecure...no new friends. Always band. What accomplishments and benifits will newspaper give or has given me? No new clubs and all that crap...I act young ("Exactly. You act young ALL the time") I DO NOT and yet you say from what I see. I'm way more than what you can see. You just don't want to read the book. Exactly.

I want attention. I demand attention. I show insecurity with my friends. I never ask people out.

So if I want attention, it isn't exactly a bad thing. Everyone needs attention. Otherwise they would be lonely in life. (of course, I could hear a stupid response to counter that). I demand attention? And my status's prove it all. Status, blog, etc. etc. I have free will to express myself however I want and if you think that I'm pathetic for being so immature in such a way with my emotions, go ahead and say all you want. There's more people than just you in this world for me to deal with. Why should you make an impact or matter at all to me? "Listing your friends on your myspace shows u are insecure..." Insecure, my butt. "Are you just using thesauraus for every word you use in Baron Banner? Are you just trying to [sound smart] and call me a loser?" fjdslafjsla;fja

IMMATURE?!?!!? I CAN BE MATURE. I HAVE BEEN MATURE. THIS IS MATURE? NO. DO I CARE NO! IM INFURIATED. I WANT TO STRANGLE "impersonal critics" as you call urself, like you and do I care that I'm broadcasting myself out to the world? Let the whole world know.

I am Michelle Doan. I can express myself however I want, and ALL of it out, whether you like it or not. And if you dont accept it, ignore it and go on with life. I express myself for my own purpose to "let it all out." I am a centerspread layout manager and graphic designer in Baron Banner. Just because I'm in the same clubs, have the same friends, still hang around band, still in Baron Banner, doesn't mean I can improve myself, and make new friends, step it up. You don't believe Baron Banner will be something of this school? Fine, by me. Someday, I'll throw it in your face, whether you'll be like "whatever, I don't care."

I have way more to rant about, but I think I've made my point...

YOU have YOUR opinions; I have mine. Don't try to play hall monitor or patrol officer on me. So don't try to change me. I'm not the one who's trying to grow up too fast. You think I'm pathetic. Do you pity me? You don't know anything and you never will.

"I Can't Remember"

Me and my selfish self wanted to get out on that marching field so bad as I listened to the band play and march. It gave me a quiver down my spine listening and watching it. And yet as the metronome and my peers marched and played, I began to step in time (in place of course) while standing on the mini-bleachers, pretending I was playing along with my imaginary clarinet. That's when things took a turn and my mind gradually began to stop caring about wanting to be in band for once.

She fell.

I didn't see, but all I heard was "IRONS! SOMEONE HIT THE DECK!" and I saw a mellophone player pointing at the pit. I assumed someone was actually hit (seeing how clueless and stupid I was). But I saw a girl laying on the ground.

Usually, I would try to mind my own business. It's not good to snoop into other people's business when something like that happened, but I saw Mr. Wampler, the director take her over (I guess she was awake then) and take her over by the shed to sit on a chair with a water bottle. That's when I tried not to pay attention anymore until...

"Michelle!" Wampler calls me over. He told me to stay with her and to make sure she's okay and that she doesn't fall over or such just in case, and to talk to her. All I thought was, okay sure. Nothing more than that.

I sat near her and didn't say anything for awhile, until I questioned if she was okay. She responded that she was okay and that her head just hurted. Then I ask if she didn't eat that morning or didn't drink any water (it was extremely hot outside). I don't remember what she said, but I think she said she didn't remember.

"I don't even remember coming out here...Why am I wearing pajamas?!" she exclaimed, confused, holding the waterbottle to her head.

"It's a Tuesday, and it's Tired Tuesday, where you wear pajamas. You guys were practicing in the band room, and then after school around 3, you guys brought your pit ensemble equipment out to the field while the rest of the band was practicing."

"Oh my god...I don't remember sh*t..."

I asked her what her name was. "Sally [last name]" What grade she was in. "......junior. I'm a junior." What school is this. "Fountain Valley." What classes do you have. "......oh my god...I don't remember..." By now, she was already in tears as she leaned down, hands gripping her head. She was embarassed for the other band members to see her.

I tried asking her more questions and calming her down: "Just take deep breathes. Slow down. In. Out. In. Out. Take a drink of water." But she kept breathing fast and crying. I tried asking her some more stuff to try to refreshen her memory to help her feel better. "Do you remember how many siblings you have. She knew. Do you have any pets? She knew. Do you remember who you saw or what you did this morning? She was quiet and started to cry. "I don't remember."

She couldn't remember her whole day and from time to time again she would shout out "Why am I wearing pajamas? I don't even remember coming out here." Just writing about it isn't enough to express how I felt. But I knew...I couldn't do anything...

The more she cried, the worse I felt, though I tried to cheer her up or distract her to help her remember.

A school trainer came and check up on her. Later came the paramedics. I left because I had to go...and walking to the front of the school...the only thought that came to my mind was "I couldn't do anything... 'I can't remember anything.' Useless. Useless."

"You did a good job," the trainer said after I tried to tell her how much she managed to remember after the paramedics came. I didn't make much of it...but I can imagine Sally clearly sitting on the chair crying trying to remember, leaning over on the chair, head in hands.

Sally...Sally...I wonder if she'll remember me when she recovers. Though, I don't think I made much of an impact anyways. So I wouldn't really mind if she didn't remember me.

But it keeps coming back into my mind in a daze, but I don't think myself as useless anymore...I just think of myself as the random person who happened to find out she lost part of her memory and was just there to failing to comfort her.

But still...it's all that comes to mind the most at the moment...

Hot Chilli Peppers

"Curiousity killed the cat" and my curiousity seemed to set me on fire running around finding some way to put it out.

For dinner, I usually have one small bowl of rice with some meat or veggies or both and possibly, the side dish soup. Today, I just had the bowl of rice and the fish. And after I decided to have a sweet dessert (I don't know how to describe it...asian food haha). Then I got curious what was in the soup. So I took another bowl out (already put my other bowl in the sink) and took a small scoop of soup. It had celery I guess, steamed and tomatoes. It tasted pretty good and on my last slurp/bite...

My brain immediately told me to spit it out and a sting shot all throughout the inside of my mouth, as if it were on fire...My tongue and my cheeks started hurting and I quickly asked for water. I took about five cups of water, which was no use. My brother kept shouting, "KETCHUP!" to me, but I simply ignored him. I was so desperate, I began to tear off a piece of two off the chicken...still no good.

"WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT SOUP!!!??!" I exclaimed in pain.

My mom was laughing to my dad about how I probably bit into the pepper she put into the soup for flavor. She started taking my soup and seeing what was left of my soup and found a fingernail sized green chili pepper that I bit into. I was going crazy...water...WATER...SOMETHING....AHHHHH SO SPICY!!!!

My dad brought out the mango and started cutting out pieces for me to eat and to relieve the sting in my mouth. It calmed down as I started biting and sucking onto the mango slices... After the first piece, my mouth still stung and I asked for another...a few minutes later, I was calm again and the sting my mouth neutralized...

Remind me again...to never taste anything with any hot chilli peppers and to ask my mom what she puts in the soup or food beforehand... My curiousity to see what that soup tasted like led me to run around the kitchen and dining room like crazy...STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!

AHHHHHHH! -runs off the building like that one man did in Lord of the Rings- Hahaha.

Baron Banner Goes Cyber

Let's just say, I got really bored... (click on picture for a better view)

Missing: My Identity

Is it possible that one day the wind comes blowing by, snatching away your identity and you end up beingstuck feeling like crap because you dont feel like you're who you think you were anymore...?

I keep asking myself that and that's just how it's felt like since even a little bit before school started. I feel like (again, I must say, but this is the best way for me to describe it) something had died inside me...my happiness? my hope? my sense of...being? I don't know what...but I know deep down inside, I can feel it rotting and it hurts a lot.

I want to say I hate my life, but it's not possible to say so. I have many great friends and I achieved so much that benifited me...it's all there standing before me...the only thing missing is that person who it all belongs to...me? Of course me...but why do I feel like I am doing all these great stuff and living this life...yet...I feel a "dead" inanimous object, like a toy I suppose, that's walking among the living. Weird...

Emotionally unstable

That's how I've been lately...even when I'm at my happiest...just on the inside, deep down...there's a pain which I squeeze at my stomach that brings a sting throughout my body...

A trigger is all I need or a distraction...and I'm out of it into my own little world where anything can happen. Someone shouting, especially towards me, profanity (especially the "F" word or anything towards me, again), someone annoying me or getting me angry...or just...something that makes me depressed...And when it comes to me...I get very depressed or angry easily, even though it doesn't look like it.

I just haven't feel like myself...though I'm not sure what being myself is anymore...

I'm getting mad at myself for being depressed which makes me feel worse because I'm getting more stressed and I can't even help it...and I absolutely sometimes feel myself to be a burden...again I mention it...yes, burden...but I'm not...I know I'm not...maybe I am to others...but you know never...I feel like I am, no matter how many times I hear people tell me I'm not...

I don't know what much to write about...I'm just depressed in general...I feel like my hope is somewhat diminishing...in some part of my mind...Or maybe it's just who I thought and wanted to be and was for awhile...maybe that was diminishing...

I think myself to ask for so much attention sometimes that I feel ashamed of myself...I feel bad for changing myself for others before and now becoming who I am now to be so worried for attention...Do I really want attention? People need attention, I supposed. Otherwise, everyone in this world would be lonely...but I don't know...besides all that...I don't know what to think...All I can say is that...I'm depressed...and something's dying withing me...Whether I'm happy or not, eventually it'll all come back to remind me, the depressions still there...

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Rain, Rain, go away.

Come again another day…

Or what I’d rather have: not to come back at all.

I seemed to get over this type of situation faster than the others I’ve had…somewhat…

Last night, I had a theory, while talking to my friend Tanh. I think the reason why my head would go blank due to over-stress, was because my mind was covering it up, making me blank out on those feelings. When I tried to be really cheery and laughed a lot talking to my friend Steph, my head just started hurting a lot. But that night was a better night compared to the previous. I didn’t cry my eyes out and slept just fine, because my head was hurting every time I tried thinking or dreaming too hard…which I somehow thanked.

Today, I was still kinda so so in classes, but quiet overall and depressed a bit, but mainly quiet and just calm. And I wanted and had to face that I didn’t at all or wanted to like Kevin at all anymore, which was…alright. I’ve been single before and now as always. I’ll live and, though, I’m quite hopeless in that certain area, I’m still determined to go on with life to improve myself in other areas.

I didn’t stop being quiet depressed until after lunch (lunchtime which I was extremely quiet while watching the other guys). Gradually until Spanish 6th period, I felt myself again. And walking to the band room after school, I didn’t feel like wanted to drag, like I had no motivation to go to my next class on time (not that I was tardy). I just felt like…it went away…though my head still has a minor ache in the brain @_@, but I’ll be fine.

The sun came back to bring away the grey rainy storm in my mind =] And by the end of the day, David, who was worried about me being depressed, was relieved for my recovery.

I still think Kevin is avoiding me though. But I guess I’ll just go up to him and greet him normally, now that I feel myself again.

No crushes

No stress

No depression

No relationship

No hope for love

And honestly, I feel like part of me died, leaving a rotting hole. But right now, I just want to try to ignore that and try to be happy. I hope the sun keeps on shining and another hurricane or natural disaster doesn’t come along to ruin it all, but that’s life. And I have to deal with it and go on again. Unless I’m in my other pessimistic personality when I’m down, I am perfect fine being single right now, because I have my friends =] and I’m still alive and good.

Hopeless

"I started writing this from English 4th period and during seperate times of the day after that."

- - - - -

4th Period English
It's like all strands of thoughts, or, rather, feelings of any such depression or stress has been pulled out of me, like a loose thread on a piece of clothing. And yet, when there is nothing to bother me or to think about, excluding homework, that thread will be sewed back in to bring back all that pain I've felt inside. I just know it.

I wake up in the morning, eyes puffy from crying myself tired to sleep the previous night. And throughout the day, I feel like I want to go back to my bed for rest. Yet, even sleeping for half an hour after my geometry test, I was shouting at myself and stressing in my mind. But, skipping breakfast and having a rough night, I dozed off, my head tired from thinking too much. Although, still, I did not feel those painful emotions on the inside.

Although I've been holding up a tired cover over my book (I've been doing lots of metaphors lately ._.), in my pages, I was absolutely exhausted and a bit depressed.

- - - - -

5th Period Chem after lunch
Somehow I expected it, yet I tried not to make too much of it a big deal. Though I feel numb on the inside. I'm not completely over-the-head upset though. Part of my mind just wants to shout out and boast: "I told you so..." But I knew I didn't want to hear it. Again I wish I would give up on this and stopp trying to like others as a crush and stay single and keep my mind off of it. Boy, do I fail at that...

My predictions from previous experiences seem to come true w/out denying it. I'm not satisfied with the guess nor am I relieved. Only one world can completely describe this: hopeless.

Yet I'll keep going on with life, eventually getting it over with, and put on my happy mask. On the inside though, I want to cry to let it all out as much I am (writing/typing) it out.

- - - - -

After School
I seem to keep it all in the whole day, though during geometry I let out a tear or two, but I didn't want to break out in class. In Spanish, I felt exhausted laying my head the nest by my arms while doing Spanish classwork. I couldn't focus at times and all I thought was..."Just forget about it and stop dreaming, Michelle..."

Right as the bell for the end of 6th period rang, I rushed out of the room. Why rush to my destination to the band room to great my friends so fast? I don't know. All I knew was I wanted to get there before any of them left. So I quickly go to my locker and walk my way to the band room. But hopelessness and my exhaustion overcame me and I began to feel a bit depressed as I was beginning to finally feel in Spanish (gradually sewing part of the thread back on). I was only on the outside happy for some of the day, but on the way to my friends, I just felt terrible.

Walking to class after Lunchtime
Me: I don't think Kevin likes me (being my hopeless self).
David: He likes someone else.

Somehow I just knew it. And that was when the dissappointment and pain gradually came kicking in. I was depressed when I got there to great my friends, but I didn't break out. Just sad...Until Kevin came walking out of the band room. I immediately tried blocking myself away from his view while facing David, who immediately noticed my depression. Kevin came over to talk to the guys behind me and for some reason, I just felt...even worse... And faced him for a second and walked off behind them where the other guys were talking and there I was...

I broke out crying, trying to hide it to attract so much attention. My other Kevin friend (I'll call him Klink), who I usually walk with to the car where my dad picks me up, was going to say goodbye and came over to comfort me and brought me along to start walking to the car, but I went back to say bye. I don't know why, but it's one of those moments where I felt like I really wanted a specific (or some certain specific) friend's (friends') attention the most. Like before it was just Klink. This time it was David, Gilbert, and Klink.

I gave David a hug and Joe patted me on the head to feel better. Ben and Gilbert greeted me too.

David (while hugging): I'll be on tonight to talk to you after practice, okay?

I find myself to be a crybaby, but walking away, I saw my choir friends Emily and Kaleigh come about. I immediately tried to wipe my tears away and Kaleigh came attacking me with a hug, trying not to make me fall with the lack of my sense of balance. Somehow, trying to make it all go away, and after them coming along, I felt a little bit better now. But feeling it's happened again, just made me feel like I wanted to break out, especially since he was right there.

So I felt a bit myself again as I walked to the car and at Hapkido. And that thread seems to come loose and pull out of me again. And I feel blankminded to this whole situation due to over-stress...All I know what I want to think is...I don't want to have a crush on another guy again at all or for awhile...I'm completely hopeless with this...

"I'll take the risk." Somehow I had so much hope. I guess I let my guard down once again and let it fly away... And once again...the only world to describe this feeling, blank or not...is hopeless.

Nervous ShipWreck

“I’ve been going up and down with my stability of my emotions lately. The somehow, at the moment, remind me of a magnet, attracting so-called problems to build up in my mind. (It’s hard to type this when I’m so ticked off.”

- - - - -

I’ve grown a big paranoia to like anyone after while with some bad experiences here and there. And I tried to restrain myself from doing to again. And yet, I started liking my friend Tanh…got over him…and, again, I get myself right away into liking someone else. It makes me mad at myself for switching so quickly and that maybe I only liked people because I was so desperate for someone to like me. I had a crush on Kevin N (the guy I almost liked at San Fran at band last year). I extremely didn’t want to get myself into the situation with liking anyone anymore because I didn’t want to make them bother with it or make myself supposedly-suffer all the time when I like someone, because nothing ever goes right and it was all kind of …pointless. But after while, while trying to force myself NOT to like Kevin, one day, I start getting all daydreamy and spacing out, thinking how cute he is (I like his personality too, but I don’t even know since I’ve said that for other boys too =/). The next day, I was kind of depressed, stressing after talking to Tanh about it.

Tanh: “Is it me or do you have a need to like someone?” which was what stuck to me after that long ago conversation and why I find myself to be a very hopelessly desperate person. So that next day, I looked at Kevin and I thought: “Why the heck do I feel so obsessed at the moment towards him, yet don’t feel those feelings of liking him? What is wrong with me?” So that day, I was pretty much distracted and quiet. Though to my friends, I kept telling them I was tired, but they knew I wasn’t being myself, since I’m never so quiet.

I got better and later on, again trying to force myself not to like him. I couldn’t help thinking about him and how much I liked him (I even dreamt about him…). I mean it wasn’t a bad thing, though it wasn’t a good thing either. Of course, I didn’t know… I like him, but I was scared to admit it. What if things were like déjà vu again and all I do is just make things bad for me? But I knew the first thing I had to do: try to stop being depressed and pessimistic.

Trying not to be so pessimistic, I thought to myself: “Is it weird for a girl to ask out a guy?” I thought no, but to distract myself, I started asking my friends that question anyway. “Do you think a girl asking a guy out is weird?” “No, why?” was the continuous replies I received. So I thought…maybe I could possibly ask him out. Though I knew that weekend night…I would be nervous and scared as heck…

So Monday comes by, and I see Kevin in the morning after zero period. I greet him usually, except I couldn’t get myself to say anything, because I was too nervous about it, so I covered it up being my usual self and talked about other topics (How was your weekend? Etc.) After 1st period during passing period, I still couldn’t get myself to say anything, until we split up at the bowl area.

“Do you want to sit with my friends and me during lunch?”

“Sure (Askes where and so on),”

During 2nd period geometry, I sit in the very back corner of the room (my teacher assigned seats; if I had to choose, I would have chosen the 1st row…), where usually, if I sit in the back, there are more distractions; so I daze off in my own little world and space out thinking about how to ask out Kevin…And the more I thought about it, the more of a nervous wreck, I felt like.

It didn’t feel any better during 4th period English while Mr. Penhall was reading out “The Pardoner’s Tale” from our worn-out textbooks. I dazed off once again, not so much as in geometry, but enough to make me nervous that lunch was coming up and I would meet up with Kevin to ask him. Flashbacks came back to me to whenever I often confessed my crush on a boy or the 3 months of a misunderstanding relationship. And again the word “déjà vu” came about my mind. I lost my appetite to eat.

Usually band gets out early for lunch at the end of 4th period, so by the time I was talking to our usual lunch area, my whole bando-choir mix group of friends where there already…and Kevin.

Kevin had to go to the cafeteria for a moment to get some help from his cousins, so he could study for his Japanese quiz next period. So I decided to tag along. On the way there, I couldn’t get myself to ask him. Waiting in the cafeteria for a few minutes, I just stared at all the people in the cafeteria enjoying themselves and Kevin asking his cousins some questions. I wouldn’t budge. And finally on the way back. I got myself to say it, but apparently too quickly that he couldn’t hear me. So, I nervously try again. (Yet, in my pessimistic mind, I find my nervousness another part of a pointless thought.)

“Hey, Kevin. Do you want to go out sometime?”

“Go out where?”

“Errr iunno…” Apparently, I didn’t exactly think this all the way through. “Like go out…go out?” >_< I need to work on this…

“What?”

“Nevermind…” >.> Yet, he was acting so casual. Of course, that’s Kevin for you. It made me a little more relaxed rather than depressed, but going over to my friend David after my other friend named Kevin (I’ll just call him KFC by his nickname) gave me my lunch I asked him to buy for me. I wasn’t hungry…And David starts looking at me as my face showed sign of disappointment or depressed and me moving around nervously as Kevin sat on the other side on him.

I state to him my dilemma and he tries to give me some advice to ask to hang out somewhere like the movies or something. So there I sat trying to think of some places, w/out making it feel so awkward. I was quite new to this…so my mind was racing by faster than I was about to catch up to. It took a few minutes before I went over to Kevin to talk and peeped over to see him do his Japanese. Again, just budging it out again took a few minutes too. He was getting very distracted though, by the guys (for some reason, being extremely hyper that day, shouting, singing, and dancing around…yeah…don’t want to explain).

“Hey, I know I’m bothering you while you’re studying, but…do you want to hang out sometime during the weekend or something?” I try again.

“Sure, where?” I try thinking for a moment again.

“I don’t know. Where do you want to hang out?”

“I don’t care where.”

So I get quiet for a few minutes, thinking of some possible places while he studies and everyone else is going crazy. I thought movies, but then I thought my dad would probably want my brother to come along or him along as well, like last time I went to the movies with my friends. So that was out. Then I thought the park, but I thought how awkward that would be. The next thing I thought was Boomers. A bit much, but…maybe some friends could some along?
“How about Boomers?” I say, though still unsure.
“Boomers sounds cool.” I didn’t know what else to say and I would think of the time later on, so I felt a bit better and went off to go eat my food and watch him study. It didn’t really mean anything, but it made me feel more relieved that I let it out. But later on, David told me Kevin knows I liked him. So it made me uneasily…

What if he didn’t like me back?

I guess as I told myself before while thinking this whole thing through (not completely, but mostly), I’ll take that risk and I guess I can endure the emotional pain again =/ I don’t enjoy it, but what happens happens…

I don’t know what else to write (type?) next, but that I have a major official crush on him right now…though at the same time, my paranoia is coming to me, making me a nervous wreck and all the additional to the package of stressed out crushing…I just hope things don’t repeat itself all over again…

- - - - -

“Music is the best medicine in the world to sooth my mind in times like this.”

Tornados and Volcanos

“I don’t know why I write the most when I’m just not happy…but it just helps letting it out I suppose.”

- - - - -

In my mind, I just feel like throwing my belongings in my room all over the place, as a tornado would, kick my furniture, like lightning, and scream like there was no one around that I cared to hear the deathly screech, like thunder. I feel like an active volcano, building up its magma, almost ready to erupt and explode my lava all over the place. Beware, citizens. Mount Michelle is very unstable with her emotions right now…

It’s been the way almost in my house with my dad with the rules of getting in trouble. And I even remember when my cousin interviewed him years ago for her school project. One of her questions was about his discipline towards us. No matter who caused the problem…the other sibling got in trouble to for not doing anything about it before it happened. And as years pass, my sensitivity to my emotions began to increase, every time I got in trouble with my dad and, even worse, as I started getting really into the whole “crush” thing in 8th grade and on, but that’s a different story.

On Sunday, my cousins, Emerald (who is a year younger than my brother in 7th grade) and Bianca (who is a year older than me), came over for dinner with my grandparents. Emerald wanted to play on my electronic keyboard and turned it on and started to play some tunes. Then my dim-witted brother (he’s been such a jerk lately, especially the more he’s gone to middle school ._.), Alex, comes in and starts turning off the keyboard. Emerald turns it back on. He turns it back off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Emerald was trying to play some notes and press some buttons on the piano. Alex, stupidly, was turning it back off. What am I doing? I’m sitting at the computer, talking on the phone. Emerald and Alex argue so much when they see each other, I’m quite used to it by now…though, that’s where the bad part happened when I let my guard down.

“ALEX! You broke the piano!”

Me: “WHAT!??!??”

All the keys and buttons on the electronic piano were messed up. I couldn’t change tones, record tunes anymore to play duets with myself or anything…Everything was messed up ._. And some notes played louder than others or had a different tone. Alex keeps going, “I didn’t do it!” And I get angry at both Emerald and Alex, especially Alex, for breaking the piano and that Alex shouldn’t have turned off the piano while Emerald was playing. Here’s where the extremely overboard part came up that came along with the “Hi! I’m a jerk!” package after Alex came to middle school.

Alex started putting his hands around my throats and attempts to choke me. “I DIDN’T DO IT!” he shouts, in a ticked off tone. And leaves the room.

Sheesh…I mean….SERIOUSLY…I stopped being violent to him (excluding martial arts class), and I tried making it habit to rather attack him in love or something and the only time I actually argue with him is when it’s somewhat like a debate. But sometimes he just asks too many questions; so my dad and I stop answering him. But, besides that point, sometimes I wish I could strangle him sometimes too or such, but I never would actually do it.

Later on, my cousins like to tease him about an imaginary person named “Samantha” whom he supposedly has a crush on. So Emerald goes to Alex’s room to look at his elementary class pictures to see if there actually ever was a “Samantha” in any of his classes. Alex gets ticked off, throws her on the bed, and starts choking her. And Emerald comes back to my room, crying.

I get ticked off and complain to my parents. Dad calls him out for a talk. Alex comes back like his annoying self again like he always does, and opens and closes my room’s door repeating: “I didn’t do it,” as a little kid would do. I later on just lock my door and just hang around my room with Emerald. Though…I was somewhat disappointed and sad for my loss of not being able to have fun on my piano anymore =[ (at least, I still have the real one outside, but still…).

Today, I tell my dad how Alex and Emerald were fighting and broke my piano. What are the consequences? “Alex, you’re grounded. Michelle, you too.”

ME!???!?!?! WHAT THE HECK!?!? WHY ME?!!?!? (Of course, since I have to be respectful to my elders and “oriental” as my dad says, I just went, “Wait, why me?”)

“It’s your belonging; you’re responsible for it. You should have stopped them before it happened.”

Reasonable…but, even so, I was still extremely ticked off at Alex and the fact I got in trouble to it as well…It’s like whatever my brother does to get in trouble, I somehow almost always get in trouble with him when I’m with him. And this is the part sometimes where I wish I could strangle my brother.

So…Instead of being a tornado, throwing my belongings around, screaming my throat out in my room, and kicking furniture or such…I’m throwing my homework aside to write this whole rant before I actually start breaking out of the shell all crazy. (Though, academically, that might not be the best idea…)

So lately, I’ve just been a sensitive volcano ready to erupt and explode, whether I’m angrily, depressed, or a nervous wreck. (I’ve been having “crush” problems again. I’ll write about that in a separate blog). So wish the citizens of the town nearby and hope I don’t come pouring my lava on them ._.