Not Asian Enough

"Forgive me for my cruddy writing. I just bs-ed it because I'm doing homework."

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Stereotype. It's peer pressure.

"Your parents don't look Asian."

I remember hearing one of my friends saying that when I was younger when I showed them a photo of my parents. What made them not look Asian?

Their eyes look big.

I look at some of my other Asian friends, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc, and some of the Asian celebrities online. Vietnamese people usually don't have as slanted eyes as other south-eastern Asians, but there are still those who do. And when I look at Asians with pretty narrow eyes, I envy them and wish I had eyes like those too.

I was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom tonight and I thought to myself how I didn't really look so pretty compared to other Asian girls. I have the side bangs...And I try putting on lip gloss. I look at my eyebrows and try making them more narrow and pretty. If only I had some eye liner and some foundation or something.

I look at myself in the mirror again. Ugly. My eyebrows are still ugly and bushy. And my forehead is humongous... even worse of it all...my eyes are too big...

I went back to my room and put lotion all over my face in place of foundation, hoping my skin would look more smooth and such. Then I grabbed the roll of scotch tape and took pieces of tape to pull back my eyes to make it more narrow, curved, and pretty. And I push down the tape on my face to make the tape as transparent as possible. I look at myself in the mirror again and I think.

I must be so desperate, but I wish I had prettier eyes like these...or better, without the tape.

I try to think of my good points that "make me Asian."

At least I try to speak my own language, and I can read/write in Vietnamese, though I still have a long way to go to be fluent in Vietnamese.

I feel like crying on the inside though, because I'm not a skinny Asian enough to fit an Ao dai during Tet. And I'm not so pretty like my other cousins with my pretty long flowing hair, etc.

I don't even have a Vietnamese accent...

Stereotype kills self-esteem.

I don't feel Asian enough.

How Long Will You Last? (Another Penhall Moment)

4th period English Honors 2 discusses the CAHSEE a week before testing.

Lily: What if we aren't done by fourth period?

Mr. Penhall: We're having a study period. And besides, you're not going to take 4 or 5 periods taking the CAHSEE...

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1st Day (modified Tuesday) of the English CAHSEE

Mr. Penhall: -takes attendance- Where's Lily?

Tiffany: Still taking the CAHSEE.

Mr. Penhall: You're kidding me... -shocked smile-

Lily comes in a few minutes after class starts.

Lily: I couldn't take it anymore... I was soooo bored!

Snip and Cut

"I'm halfway done with my first TTAAP Film Short's storyboard and script =] It's based off Sami's 'Reflections on Culture' blog post."

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I remember before I became more aware of our declining economy, especially before this schoolyear, everything seemed to be fine. Now anything from teacher protests to housing foreclosures are almost a naturally familiar topic of the days. Any thought of spending money was crucially thought out and as this economy gets worse every single day that passes by, the more scared people get of losing everything they once had in their everyday life.

I suppose I never thought about it, but my dad didn't truly start struggling and complaining about his money crisis until last year during fall marching band season. Almost every day I went to rehearsal, my dad would always lecture me on how much time band took up and how much money they used up. He used excuses like "they don't care about the students doing their homework or anything, they just want your money." It's not that my dad couldn't absolutely afford letting me join marching band, at least last year. I became angry that he pulled me out of band the next year because of his many complaints about it, but as I came to think about it...If I kept staying in band for the rest of my 3 years in high school...he'll surely go broke. Three thousand dollars per year is a lot of money to work for...

Awhile ago, my cousins' family on my mom's side moved to Arizona because the houses there were cheap and I remember visiting them winter break during freshman year. This year, both my cousins' families were forced to move back to California and find a new job and rent a new house or stay with another family. Times are getting tough and I feel like its all over the news now--people losing their jobs and homes. My dad recently has been talking about how long until he loses his job too and when we are forced to move when housing foreclosure hits us. So he tries to remind me as much as possible how lucky I am to have the possessions I have now, such as my own computer and room, a collection of loving stuffed animals, and even a dog.

A few years ago when I was younger, my dad used to get my little brother, Alex,  and I to find and help cut out the double coupons for Ralph's every Sunday to buy a surplus amount of groceries. Alex and I always dreaded bothering to cut and snip up every single coupon and matching them up with their double coupon and stapling them together. And let's not forget forget categorizing them in piles of what we need, what we want, and what we don't need period. As time passed by, Alex and I got lazier and the number of double coupons to cut out declined. Soon, there were even double coupons and they only came as one page. Today is March 17, 2009. Every Sunday, I never see the Ralph's coupons section anymore. Am I relieved? Somewhat. At the same time, I feel a bit of guilt now for not taking advantage of those last coupons. But when exactly was the last time I ever saw those coupons? Too long ago...

We need a miracle.

As graduation day senior year comes closer, although two years from now (but times flies by too fast), my dad gets more nervous about having to pay for a four-year college or a university, so recieving scholarships is extremely crucial. And with everyone almost in the same situation, theres going to be chaos in competition.

I don't know exactly how the rest of the country is doing right now...but in my world, if I were to describe the economy's role in our community in a one words, it'd be "chaotic."

I've never felt so much fear in the air in my life.