Can't Go to Sleep

"My friend Alice a long time ago told me that when you wake up, you could write down everything you could remember from a dream or a nightmare like a dream journal before you forget it."

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After a good day's work of working on the new Life's MapleSyrup website, finishing it's foundation, I thought I could sleep "early" for once today...or rather...take a break. I told everyone I left to sleep at 11...but I was still awake reading Fruits Basket until around 12ish then I decided I wanted to hit the haystack for real...

I turned off my computer and I go to my bed...deciding not to sleep on my bed and just go outside and probably sleep secretly with my dog Casey in the house on the couch or something...So I slept with Casey for a bit out in the family room on the LazyBoy recliner chair...But my eyes were open...

Is it possible to sleep with your eyes open? But I was "day dreaming" at the same time...Another deja vu dream...where it bothers me enough that it makes me want to cry because it feels real...death...

Parents dying and...me being at school...covering it all up in front of my friends with my happiness...Somehow...just thinking about it...made me feel frustrated...everything felt frustrated...even if it wasn't real, thoughts ran through my head...am I just wanting attention? Why don't I tell them what happened? They probably don't notice a thing through my happy-go-lucky mask...Do they?...AGHHH...I'm asking for attention...am I really this selfish...is this selfishness or is it just me?

Dreaming me taking care of my bro while they're gone...me crying over their death...

But the thing that felt like a familiar chill everytime I go to a band tourney or rather a concert or anywhere where the band parents were there to support their kids...there was me, staring at a bunch of parents and siblings congradulating and supporting their child at a football game? a band tourney? Settings are strange in dreams...but...I couldn't keep my eyes off of them...and that chill went down me again. "Stop staring at them...look away..." I kept telling myself...I wanted it... "Stop looking..." I wanted it... "Look away" Why did you have to go?

I looked away... Was I only finding a way out of the pain...escaping the truth...being happy? looking away...but after, I just led my brother back into the bleacher stands and putting back on my happy mask when confronting my friends.

I remember later on...I get all dazed out...thinking to myeslf depressed...then they question me what's wrong and I burst out "I'm hungry! I want ice cream! Who wants ice cream? Anyone? No one? Someone come with me. I want ice cream!" in a ...happyish state...it bugged them...and I could imagine their faces, David, Kevin, and Gilbert's faces...only theirs...why only their's? Worried... And Nathan just being his "stupid" self...

I didn't feel hungry...and buying the ice cream, sometimes I'd just stare at it in depression then snap back into happy mode before the person who was with me saw or said anything.

I remember dropping the ice cream... punching...the wall? the gate? (settings...blurry), but it was definately the area where we always hung out at school...and me finally cracking out of my shell...finally? "I...w-was....wondering if...if...y-you guys...w-...wanted to go...to...my...p-...par-....parent's funeral with me." The last part too fast and mumbled to be heard.

One of them: "What did you say?"

I quickly put the mask back on.

"Nothin! I was just thinking to myself!" And something else all happy and innocent like...But again they questioned...and yadidah...

But I could remember me holding in tears from remembering past memories...not too great memories of my dad..."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL YOU KNOW" going to band practice... "STUPID..." .... "STUPID" ....i'm not stupid...............I'm not...."YOU'RE A STUPID GIRL" just another temper tantrum........ "I'm very disappointed in you." "You need to be like other girls" "STUPID!!" STOP IT!

I woke up...Casey sleeping peacefully in my lap...me trying to close my eyes...but the whole time...my eyes were open...

I want to eat something...

I rummaged the refridgerator...nothing...cabinet...I grabbed the box of crackers and started eating them and heading back to my room after I let Casey back outside...I didn't eat them because they tasted good...it reminds me back into 1st semester health from Mr. Birinyi. I only ate them because it made feel better and satisfied... But...I wasn't hungry...

I couldn't sleep...So I just pulled a blanket over my head and climbed back onto the computer again...

Sometimes...I feel better...a bit writing it all out...even though I feel dead-like still in the end...at the same time...I wish I didn't because everyone would read it and start trying to comfort me or go "awwww D; hope you feel better" or something like that...

plz dont... I feel like saying that...agian i feel like I'm only wanting more attention...I wanted someone to read this...but at the same time...I want to just run off and keep to myself and when I'm ready to go back to reality...I'm put back on my mask...

"I'm pathetic...absolutely retarded and stupid..." I remember myself saying that after putting the happy mask on after trying to ask my friends to attend the funeral with me...And again I say it...Confused again...I can't escape it...and it's backfired for the millionth time in a dream...no...a nightmare I wish I would stop dreaming about every so often lately...or weird dreams that would never come true, but bug me like heck.

What do I want??!?!

...

I want to go to sleep.

No Such Thing as A "UnITverse"

"Forgive me if this is a bit wierd and confusing. I only wrote this to release some thought 'stress.' Not really stress, but just to write about something I was thinking about for a bit. I do not wish to hear any comments specific to who HIM, HER, or IT are. I wish to keep this anonymous."

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It makes me sick...absolutely sick, not ill-sick...disgusted-sick...angry-sick, but I don't want to be the one to take the action to violence anymore when things like this happen. I want to help. To rid of IT that hurt the society to gain IT's feeling of superiority. To put HIM or HER down to create them to be who they are today and in a state of weakness. Sometimes I wished IT were gone...sometimes I wanted to kill that IT, but it wasn't worth it in the end, to get in as much trouble as IT would be in as well. But then again...it'd be worth it to help HER...to help HIM.

Sometimes I wish that I had a more matured and true-caring heart one or two years ago that I had and have now. But I can't seem to change that since I cannot force a flower to bloom before winter melts into spring. I had a childish heart back then, but if I had known HIM...if I knew...if I had the guts...if, if, if, if...It's already happened, so why ask myself if? But I know now...if I had a chance to do it, I'd help HIM. Quiet and shy...kept to themselves...why does IT love to pick on the weak and innocent? Because they cannot fight back? Because of IT, HE has become the bitter self HE is today. No friends. Great everything, but no one notices...Ever since IT.

I didn't believe that all this bullying actually existed in my innocent childish life...until the day I was in the same class as HER...IT came near HER...and I saw fear and nervousness in HER eyes and, just in her unsteadiness, IT was dangerous...dangerous to HER, at least. And I pulled HER, giving IT a glare to stay away. But that only made IT want to bug HER more...to tease HER...to bully HER in any mental way...some never learn and I'm amazed some wish to ignore these same problems that have been occuring in different situations all throughout history...

Just like HIM, SHE was quiet and shy and has become pessimistic at times. But on the inside at times, SHE can be optimistic, great to be around when she's happy, and a good friend. IT, although, is the reason why SHE gets scared and insecure...Sometimes, I wish to strangle IT...but I do not wish to lead to my violent ways anymore for the answer.

Nobody likes HIM...Most people at least...HE's bitter and cold and sometimes some think HE has a messed up mind...but I believe HE can be really good at heart...if HE was given a chance. IT picked on HIM just as much as on HER, but probably more, and, perhaps, the results of all the suffering vary.

But, I wish to help HER...to make HER strong...to gain self-confidence...to stand up to IT and be everything SHE can be without IT getting in the way.

I wish to be HIS friend, so his ice cold heart can bloom as well, so others will see that HE is an amazing person...to see that SHE can be strong. The true weaker one from start to the end will always be IT, no matter how much IT tries to put HIM, put HER, put anyone down, for their own selfish needs and feelings for superiority. We are all human, yet it makes me sick, IT wishes to feel more superior than one another when in general, we are all the same, whether we're missing an arm, a leg, half of a body, an ability to read like some others, and even if we are missing confidence to stand up for oneself. We're human; we have a soul; we are alive. IT is what causes the scars. WE can be the one to heal them...for HER...for HIM...

This school year, my goals are to help HIM and HER become strong, not in the negative way that IT has led to, but in a way, it will benifit THEMSELVES and US. Bring IT down, not with violence, but with strength and confidence, happiness and life to let him know, there is no such thing as a "unITverse," only a "universe," equality for "uno"...one. One for all.

This is my project and my goal for HIM and HER.

The Definition of Our Generations

Today, I came to the Adobe InDesign Workshop Productivity Tour in the LA Convention Center with some of the Baron Banner crew: Victoria, Sabrina, and Claudia. I thought things would just be just a teach and learn about InDesign more thing...And it somewhat was...but, boy, did I get more than I came for. And the thing that came to my mind the most, was how strange the humor of all the adults were in the room, finding humor in a whole bunch of things, I would have never gotten as funny or laughed at.

We were the youngest of all the attendees of the workshop and after awhile from the moment we entered the room, we got used to that and I'm pretty sure, the adults around us we're trying to get used to it too. But everytime the instructor made a joke, or did something "funny"...or perhaps some adults made a funny remark, they all laughed...of course they did, didn't they? I mean they're adults. But something about it, somewhat, freaked me out.

I then began to get into some deep thinking about while listening on to the InDesign seminar. It's amazing how different human being change within the years: styles, attitude, fashion, technology, knowledge, etc. But it happens through each generation that passes by. What our parent generation's sense of humor, for example in my point of view, they could find things completely funny that teens or kids of our generation would be all like...I don't get it...how do you find this funny? And sometimes through the seminar, I would just shake my head, smiling to myself, at the adults laughing. "Oh my gosh..." I would say to myself. It would be vice versa from the children to the adults as well. But there are still similarity in humor as well in some areas of those generations. America's Funniest Videos. Most of those videos, who wouldn't laugh? Some videos, although, some would be like... that's not funny...while the rest of their peers are cracking up like crazy.

Humor changes then around between generation and generation and, I bet, if I knew how to speak completely fluent Vietnamese and I tried making a joke with my greatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreat (you get it) grandfather or grandmother. They probably would have never gotten it...UNLESS without even knowing it, our sense of style that varies between each generation goes in a various cycle.

Everyone in each generation has their own sense of definition in life or how they make up their generation. It's very peculiar and very interesting...I can't believe I actually would come to think of that...but now that I think about it, isn't it true?

It reminds me of genetics--how you get half of your mom's chromosomes and half of your dad's, but how I see it, part of the similarities of interest from the previous generation and a mix of your own interest you find yourself that makes the generation unique than the other.

Next time I go to something with almost all adults, I'll just sit, listen, and think about how different our generation has merged off of their branch.

I Measured My Ear

That's right...I can't believe it...but I measured my ear...

I never thought someone would actually ask me this kind of question before, but I was willing to answer just to be the nice self as I was.

This is a response comment to my previous blog post from January 2008: My Small Ears:

"rhoda said...

hi michelle, how old are you? and how small are they exactlly? because i have a 3-month old baby whose ears are so small and i'm worried that something's wrong with her."

Well, Rhoda, I'm fifteen >.> Don't worry, I don't have an ear infection or anything. And...(yes, I measured them ._. lol) they are 2 inches long? O_O Man, now I feel awkward :D

I'm going to admit to the world. I have small ears; how should I know? My parents, brother, and friends tease me about it sometimes...

...and I measured it myself :]

Special News!

Part 1

Kids in America MMV
[link]
Posted May 18, 2008

I won 3rd place (SonyVegas/Adobe/Ulead editing) in Wishinuponastarr's Special News Contest! I'm so happy! I never thought I would win a contest for MS videos. I thought mine was too not oober crazy editing like the other guys, but I got a 10 for creativity, 8 for song used, 9 for editing and 27 total as a score (out of 30). I'm so happy. I don't know what my prize is yet, but it doesn't matter. I'm so happy :3 Now my videos will be recognized a bit more when peopple watch my 3rd place entry.

Part 2

I got my blue belt today in Hapkido! I feel really happy about this too, because next test, I get to break boards. Except since I'm 14+, I have to break thicker boards than my brother Alex. I also get to learn skyfall. I can't wait. My bro and I also started going every weekday to Hapkido and I absolutely love martial arts now :] We go to take down and sparring on Tues/Thurs. And last Thursday, I beat Alex twice in sparring. haha, Wimp :3

Upcoming Stuff

I have a Adobe workshop with my Baron Banner FVHS newspaper staff at the LA Convention Center and I'm going to wear my new brown hat with ears I got at AnimeExpo at the LAConventionCenter just last Saturday. I love my new hat :3 I can't wait to see the BB gang agian. At least, some of them hehe.

I'm going on vacation to Lake Tahoe from July 14-18. I haven't gone on vacation with my family in a long time. We usually go every summer, but last summer, because of band, I couldn't (money). Because of gas prices, we will be driving up and staying in the cabin instead of taking the trailer. My first time being in a cabin. It'll be kewl =] MORE SWIMMING!

My 15th Birthday is coming up on July15. Hehe 15 on the 15th. I already sent out details about that to the BDay Invites to my buddies :] I'll be celebrating it with my buds after I get back from vacation on the 19th.

My annual piano testing is coming up (or as my teachers call it "auditions"). This year, I'm on level PA...I don't know what that stands for but I know last time I was in ID which was Intermediate D; so I must be in the advanced program. Now that it's summer, I got to focus on my piano playing more and, sadly, because of my procastinatin for not practicing a lot during the year, I have four songs to memorize anad test for rather than 5 or 7. So I'm in the ....district level? Iunno. The least I ever had was 5, which is district, and 3 is Local. 7=National; 10=International. Wish me luck in later July/early August.

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Still really happy about the contest and my belt and I can't wait for upcoming stuff. Summer otherwise at the moment despite all the excitement is extremely boring at home. I'm not allowed to go outside when my parents are at work D: Well...excluding the backyard :] Hope you are all having a better summer than I am. BYE!~~

-Much love, Michelle Doan

Ahhh...Summer Relaxation...or Too Much Relaxation?

Summer...Most people can't wait for it when school comes and sometimes myself, I do wish it were summer with all the loads of schoolwork. But...is it really better? Conversations online could go from GREAT...FUN! Absolutely hyper at times or deep. Then later on the neutrality of summer starts to dim down even more from all the climaxes...to boring.

Sometimes even through all the fun, especially when you're not with your friends and such...summer relaxation can become a little bit too good too be true and it ends up to a point where you're doing absolutely nothing.

Maybe you could get yourself to feel a little less "summer-relaxed" if it's too much to bare. Join an activity you could do during school that has summer practice or meetings at school (i.e. clubs, extra cirricular). Or maybe, try to feel less lonely and into that mood where you are totally used to being home doing nothing, seeing none of your companions and everything's...dull. Dull is not fun. Dull is the complete opposite of fun and if you think dull is fun. You're absolutely crazy. But I do agree with my previous editor-in-chief Titus with one of his comments he made on my long time ago blog posts: I'd take stress anyday over a day that was the same over and over again, especially a very dull day of watching TV, going on the computer/Internet, and eating and sleeping.

So, I extremely advise you and, yet try to force myself, to cherish all the out-of-the-boredom moments of summer and spend equal time with your friends and family and maybe even create some events. Be warned that overload of summer relaxation will hit you when you least know it.

Learn Something New Everyday. First Step: Try

When you learn something new, you obviously have to try it to actually learn more about it and get used to it…trying asin observing, exploring, experimenting…it’s kind of like a science project. In the end, you have a conclusion and a better idea of your new learning.

Well, I haven’t really gotten myself to try WordPress lately. I’ve only posted one post and I have no excuse anymore to say that I can’t think of anything to type about. I’ve just been distracted and dazing off in this summer neutrality (English is such a strange language, I’m not even sure if “neutrality” is a real word. Could be. I’ll make it a real word!…in my world). So, what’s my point I’m tryiing to give here? I’m quite clueless again with this new blog host. It took me a couple minutes to figure out I was logged on. It even makes me curious: “Can we even change our passwords to something we can remember, rather copy and pasting the randomized letters and numbers off my email?” How do I post a blog again? And more clueless adventure to come. But at the moment, I’m still at the beginning of my billion-feet long sub-sandwich.

I’ve been trying to tell myself that I’ll do this and I’ll do that. But will I actually do it? I just have to try…

Apologies - Stuck in Art

Forgive me for not blogging on this blogger or Wordpress lately. I've been busy being distracted looking at art school information and exploring deviantART a lot lately. Well, I entered a contest to design a poster for AnimeExpo and I didn't win, of course, but this is my entry:

I've also made and designed my first web interface. I made it for my club DesignPot on deviantARt. This is what the interface looks like:

I'm getting really tired, but I've done a lot of art stuff on my deviantART, along with something to style up my journal/blog on DA. Please check it out and comment back!

www.michixchan93.deviantart.com