Retracting Back my Dark Corner

This week feels like...crap...

Of course, I don't really know what it really feels like to be a pile of poo...but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean.

I haven't felt like this in forever...

Everything at home just makes me feel so frustrated, angsty, upset...angry...yeah...

My brother pisses me off every single day with his annoyance. Everyone says, oh all siblings do that. It's the "typical sibling rivalry." This isn't the Full House show, where after there's a fight, you get a nice comfy hug. Since this is a journal, I mind as well be 100% be myself and mind. He's a total annoying bastard who should get a life...Seriously...I have my door locked...BANG BANG BANG BANG. Me: "What?" Him: "Let me in." Me: "Why?" Him: "Because." Me: "You don't need anything." Him: "Yes, I do. I forgot something in there." Me: "You're a bad liar." Him: "I swear!" -opens door- He comes into my room and walks out...or even worse, he comes in tries to grab one of my stuff and run out...or climb on my bed with his stinky feet or drooly face. Or my dad yelling at me or pushing me around like I'm an unanimous object to take his anger and stress out at. I think he thinks I'm ugly (my physique, my hair, etc...He always calls me fat and disses on my style and looks). Even worse, when my mom sees me all like eh, she gives me the bad attitude, which makes me feel more crappy.

Sometimes, I wish I could just runaway. I want to go to college soon. Get some years of relief away from home.

I spotted a flyer at school while heading to my guidance counselor to talk to about theatre about runaways, providing shelter for any runaway or such if there is a conflict at home, etc. I was curious to write down the information for later, just in case, but I didn't and I planned to go back later to right it down. I told Charlie about this, and I was surprised to hear that he wanted details on it, instead of opposing it. Not really what I expected.

I just feel so depressed and crappy so much lately, I kind of wanna shoot myself...like George did to Lennie in Of Mice and Men that we just finished reading in CP English 3. The other day when I was completely dead-spirited, I took two painkillers just to relieve the excruciating pain from the palm of my hands. I never took pills before during depression time, but after that, it feels like it's tempting to take them again. I was tempted to take the whole bottle without my parents looking, and keeping it just in case.

Charlie freaked and told me not to take the painkillers anymore, since he was scared of losing me, like the story he told me about a guy strangling himself and girl killing herself too (I forgot how it went).

I started of thinking, just like in the book Wintergirls to cut myself...Yeah, I said it: cut myself. I never cut myself before, but I felt/feel? so tempted. Perhaps it would hurt too much...Maybe that's the point, but, at least, I know now not to cut myself on the wrist (it's too obvious). I didn't though. "Michelle, I think you're overreacting," Charlie says.

Maybe I am... "I think you're PMSing," he says. Perhaps...

And I feel like such a jerk...IDIOTIC; I get angry and upset with myself. Stop it, Michelle! ...for thinking the stupidest things...but I just can't help it...

I was looking at Charlie's tagged photos the other day on Facebook and I spotted one of his really old pictures from 2007-08 (freshman year) and some comments from his ex-girlfriend Becca; so I went to stalk her on her page and her photos and what Charlie commented to her. A couple that seemed to get to me were:

Charliee Makika

dood u look hot :P

u should taake more pixies or ur self :D

ur pix is 2 shiny D: i can't see half of u >< (but i like the it's shiny :D)

July 31, 2007 at 5:49pm

Charliee Makika

lol alvin is kinda right xD cuz ur jux that hawt lol

September 17, 2007 at 2:10am

Beccaa Chuu Chuu

lol whos the cute 1 xD

September 16, 2007 at 3:53pm

Charliee Makika

BOTH OF U! lol but i like becca more :P lol

September 16, 2007 at 3:59pm

Charliee Makika

me and becca are always teh cutest! (except i'm not really and becca is really really cute♥)

Hot...(basically cute, pretty, beautiful...anything that goes under the same category...including sexy), I like her more, always the cutest, I'm pretty sure he said I love you to her too a lot, like I did with Dani, of course, I don't feel like I truly meant it as much as now, seeing all the stuff that happened between us. I didn't feel as significant anymore. I mean, I love him. I'm just...scared...jealous? upset, obviously... Why the heck am I thinking about this when we just got through one successful year together already...!?!? I don't know...-imagines self shooting brain out- Stupid mind... I feel like the worst girlfriend though still...thinking of all this. And it felt so tempting to think some more, but I got mad at myself and Charlie started being like >.> with me talking about it. Why are you so stupid, Michelle? Why can't I think of the positives of this relationship FOR ONCE!!?? I mean...I guess I do...but...-shrugs-

...I think I'm like completely obsessed with how Charlie's previous relationships went...especially Becca and him, since I am more familiar with it and I found her on Facebook...I was really determined to go through Charlie's WHOLE wall of older posts until I hit the beginning of 2009 when he broke up with Becca, just so I could look at their wall-to-wall (I also found this guy who was Becca's friend, named Kenny) and I looked at their conversation. I'm such a freak...

I wish Charlie was here...like seriously...maybe I wouldn't be worrying about all this stuff...maybe, maybe not...But I know he loves me...and I need to keep in mind (or rather, keep out of mind) that Charlie's past doesn't matter (and should go...poof :D).

I'm just scared, that one day, I might become another one of his ex's, which I hope in a million...billion...infinity and beyond years will never happen.

But maybe I'm just hanging on the so-called love I have already, just like my previous...But I don't want to think into depth about that...

I have finals coming up...Well, I AM having finals right now...Get out of school early :] Yay. English was easy and I hope I get a high or middle B in that class, Geometry is tomorrow...going to ace it as well as the class (then off the Algebra 2...thank gosh...), and APUSH and AP Studio Art 2D Design on Friday (classes with most hassle to study or prepare a portfolio for the final). :]

But I've been distracted a lot lately by stupid emotions/stress and the computer and internet.

The highlight of my week so far, standing oh so glamorous bright out of all the downers in this entry...perhaps just talking to Charlie, period, despite all the burdens of depression I have poured upon him D; Wahh...I'm sorry... is all I have to say over and over again. (TABOO WORD -smack- ...thank you :D)

I really HAVE to get the thought that I'm probably not that special of a girlfriend out of my head...I can't stop thinking about it...

Someone put me out of my misery =( I don't know how anyone can stand me being depressed like this...