Absolutely Nothing to Say

Me: "Emily's having her birthday party on Saturday at the beach."

Dad: "Again?"

Me: "Yes."

Dad: "I saw her last night. Did she come to watch you?"

Me: "Her sister."

Dad: "Oh."

Me: "Tony's parents came too.

Dad: "They had nothing to do."

Me: "..." -walks away-

Steps to Neutrality & Calmness

1. Skip dinner because you aren't hungry and so you don't have to confront parents or brother with emotional rage.

2. Take a shower to empty your mind.

3. Rummage freezer to eat some fruit sherbet and some cookies n cream ice cream for the yummy good taste to feel better.

4. Listen to music as you enjoy the desserts.

5. Sleep

6. Success

How Typical

I'm so mad and angry right now, but I suppose that's the same time...disappointing once again and upset...Enough, that I'm crying about it. Was...I'm sniffing now because my dad called me out, but I held it in.

They told me they would come. "Are you guys coming?" "No." "..." "After we pick up your brother we'll drop by and watch." "=]"

7:20pm through the whole concert...

They never came...

I kept thinking to myself in my seat while the string orchestra played to suck it up and they might come. I see my cousin Tony's parents come and get into the audience. And I look once every while at the bleacher of parents, friends, and supporters, looking desperately for some parental support of my own...Ouch...

They haven't gone to any of my marching shows...they didn't go to this concert...We have the Monster Concert next...the last one...It won't be the same playing Fusion if it isn't a marching show. Plus, we're only playing part of the Opener...But still..."We're too busy." Yeah right... "If the tickets are free. Why don't they give out free tickets?" Well then I guess the whole stadium of people should get free watch on all the marching bands then (half actually).

Scholarships were announced and I was happy for my friends and the others. Obviously when I mentioned that Tony had a scholarship, he goes of how his sister got the full ride without band and how she joined different clubs here and how she didn't stick to one thing to make her resume "colorful." And how it doesn't make sense to do one thing and major in another. (i.e. Band to Art or Medical Major...something like that)...I was too angry and annoyed to listen...actually I did...but more like too angry or annoyed to take it all in as good advice.

After I got home, I went straight to my room. "Do you want food, Michelle?" "No..." I talk to my friend Tanh who IMed me right away when I logged on and to my cousin Tony to congradulate him. I talked to both about the sit. More to Tanh, but I just wanted to vent it out a bit...and a bit more later as I sat in front of the computer crying to myself. Luckily, I had a door that had a lock...

Honestly...I don't care if my friends are there to support me. That would be great...It's fun to spend time with them and such. Feel the victory of a 1st place for a marching show or just performing at a concert... All I really want is some parental support to watch me at those shows/concerts...Because all that seems to partially go to waste...It makes me feel horrible seeing all those kids and their parents there to support and be with them...While mine are out somewhere having another excuse not to come.

They once in awhile come to the Hapkido tests, and always to the piano recitals, awards assembly and any of the likes...But this is something I actually love and gotten attached to and feel special in...like a special group...Not just hundreds of piano students playing...not just my brother testing too along with piano (and a couple of other family members; besides Tony being in band with me). I never had felt so great in my life in a marching show. So happy to be in victory or loss with such a big group of funloving people. Not just a school of kids.

They tell me...my dad tells me "We'll come after we pick up your brother from piano." That's a bit before I start performing...It makes me pretty optimistic and happy they were coming. What's the excuse this time? "Why didn't you come?" "Grandmas." Probably meant my great grandma, but my grandmas is in Iowa and Vietnam. Still...we have all the time in the world to visit her, no offense... As tough as I wanted to be...I held the anger and disappointment and tears to myself until I was alone...

I want to say I hate them...mainly my dad...My mom wanted to come...I don't care what my brother has to say. But I can't. All I can think is... how typical it is for, especially him, to not show up or try...again...

Life's MapleSyrup: Ep2 Pt 2 & Credits

I almost completely forgot. Here ya go! Enjoy!

Much Ado About Calories

I'm on a roll. This feels a bit sloppy. D; Maybe it's my stupid pencil that leaves marks easily or my amateurity at this new technique I was using, making thick outlines around the boy.

(For Alex's International Week editorial)

Alcohol and Exaggerations: The Next Big Trend?

Another practice cartoon. This time it's on Desiree's EFM editorial.

Grades Don't Matter

Just practicing my editorial cartooning, by making cartoons off previous BB editoral articles.

"Ferb, I Know What We're Going to Do Today!"

DING DING DING! I have an idea! Haha, I just wanted to say that one quote from Phineas and Ferb for fun because it sounded so identical :D Heh.

Anyways, I have three main subects to talk about right now:

Grounding:

My dad was never really good at grounding. Pretty good at threats, but never really was the grounding type. I already encouraged him to let me walk the same area to the car again so I don't have to wait out in front afterschool for him and so he doesn't have to drive through the crazy school traffic. By the first day, I was already back in my room doing homework rather than in the kitchen, because my bro was playing piano and I'm in my room now o.O Phone? Not that I call anyone. Usually only my dad calls me and some random people at randomly once in a while moments. Computer? I just need to get myself to finish my homework is all, I suppose. This is the 2nd time he's ever "grounded" me. 1st time was in 3rd grade for getting a C on something. I know it wasn't a report card. Probably a test. What did I get grounded from? Nothing. Just a a lecture.

Class Schedule:

Okay, previously, I was somewhat down because there was no off season tennis, BUT instead of taking P.E. to make up the last semester of those P.E. credits, I can just rejoin tennis, or rejoin band. Genius, Michelle. Pat on the back. Heh.

Line Art:

I should probably post Episode 2 Part 2/2 this weekend. It got rejected before because it was too long. Sigh. I'll re-render it again later. I have to remind myself to make the music video also, but besides the video making, I've been going back into my drawing period. Yay, this time it's LINEART (I guess, it's because I lost my color pencils :[ ) But I've also gotten a great idea that I would use scrapbood cardstock as backgrounds for the cutout copies and stuff. Afterwards, I would save the cardstock for later and tape the cut out figures on my wall. I'm gonna try to attempt to draw all my family and close friends and attach it along the middle moldings of my wall. :] It's an idea and I've already started with my, Alice's, and Tanh's cuttouts. To see some of my work so far, click here.

I think that's all I really wanted to talk about. Oh, and things are going fine, I suppose. Still have that crush on Kevin a bit, but keeping that stable friendly status. I'm not one of those people who will go immediately to anothr person again. I think I'll stay single for awhile. More freedom and bigger view on who's out there for me. :]

Not As Bad As I Thought

Grounding isn't all that bad...Okay, it's only one day. But yeah, I talked to myself about how bad it really was. Not really. It's not like I'm a computer freak. And I can just blog at school and check everything else at school. Though, it might be inconvenient to my Youtube subscribers waiting for my Life's MapleSyrup episodes. Hehe...Whatever, let them wait. They've been getting on my nerves, bugging me to get them up anyway. Haha. Uh...(thinks what to say). I forced myself to wake up at 7 this morning just to serve my detention, which wasn't as bad as I thought...just did homework and studied for biology (whoohoo =_=). Then after I went to talk to my guidance counselor about my next year's class list. Too bad there isn't any off season girl's tennis =( I could get into band 2nd semester than. I'd join tennis if there was an off season so I can get my P.E. credits finished and join concert band at the same time. Darn. Yeah, things are going neutral now. Though...I might have hurt myself during P.E. yesterday playing Rocks. Now, I'm slightly limping on my left leg, and couldn't do much with my left leg during Hapkido class. Bleh. Life's going alright I suppose. Not as bad as I thought. Grateful for the responses though. :] I'll end it here and check my stuff before class starts.

Grounded

Why is it that all the problems come down on me all at once? Maybe I'll just get to the point.

I'm grounded...

That's the last thing I ever needed...

I always had a problems with my memory. Where for any moment, I could forget what to say or what I was doing, and I wouldn't remember what I was going to say, do, or where it was taking place until a few minutes later...seconds, later...eventually...never? How inconvenient.

I lost my retainers for the 2nd time. Ouch? Yes. So now I need to go find them...or else I'm grounded...forever? I'm grounded until I find them. No computer in my room, no phone (not that I call people a lot), not allowed to walk with Kevin home (even more ouch...), I have to do homework in the dining room (not so bad, along with the computer thing, it's just I can't blog at home when I want or talk to my distant friends for a bit). I'll just blog and all that stuff at school and write my blog posts on a journal. This is sure gonna make my day until I find it...yeah right...

(To Zack) The other direction? Sorry to disappoint you.

Can't think about anything else to type. So I'll end it here.

Doodling

I think I'll just lay on the desk, doodling to distract myself from this neutrality...maybe that will help. I'm getting a bit tired...That's progress. -shrugs- I wish I could sleep for the rest of the day until tomorrow morning. School sounds good right now...I guess.

Thought Block

I don't know. I'm really bored right now and this neutrality is driving me crazy. I've been reading my previous old posts and I have to agree with Titus about one thing. I'd take stress any day over a day where everything is the same and repeats over and over. In my boredom, I also concluded that the contradiction between my stress and my distracting myself from that stress has caused me to be neutral at the moment. Pretty logical in my point of view. I guess since I have nothing to do, I'll write. It's the best thing to do right now at the moment for me, I suppose. It's somewhat hard to think what to write with th neutrality...because my mind is having thought-block. You know...like somewhat like writer's block...Can't think what to say, write, think at all...my emotions are all blocked away for now. And I guess I really want them back. Because I want to say I really do like Kevin...though I can't feel it...stupid contradiction...Nothing I'm listening to or reading is helping trigger it on again, but I suppose I'll keep looking around reading some previous and current blog posts of mine and others.

Sucked out to Neutrality

I feel like I've let it all burst out...so much, I feel really blank minded right now in feelings. I try to think about it, but the feelings don't flow. Neutral. Makes it hard for me to think what am I supposed to think or do. I acted normal I suppose today hanging out with the guys (Kevin and other Kevin). It's not like we did much, we just talked and walked Casey was all. I didn't feel depressed at all...but I suppose I had neutral feelings towards him. Weird...I guess that's what happens when I stress a lot. But I suppose it was my dad that got the 'on' switch turned back on me...a bit...my dad's being a overprotective worrywart all over again....don't want to talk about it right now...but I suppose right now...I guess I just miss the dream I was in...even if it never existed. Go on with life...I told myself and Alice I would talk to Kevin about it...I'm not really sure what to say...or...iunno, and I guess I don't really want to screw up the friendship as I think I said before or like...I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Say hi or not tomorrow morning. Act myself?

Question: What is myself? This neutrality drives me nuts even though I don't feel it, because my mind is too tired for thoughts. I think to myself a hug is the last thing I need. But I think honestly...what I really miss is the dream...wish it was real...I mean...who wouldn't? Not me...And, I guess, all I really want to have someone in my life who actually TRUELY liked me back more than just friends, if you know what I mean. And at the moment, a really meaningful hug from that someone.

But I bet on Monday at school, it's gonna come back to me...and I'll be confused as heck as I am now...Because I can't just avoiding this...sigh...He's just my friend and I'll keep being a friend back to him as I always have, but yeah...I'm not even sure if this depression is even worth it anymore...

I feel like a vacuum has sucked out all my emotions right now, because despite all I'm saying, I have no flow of feeling right now. Pure blank feelings and neutrality...bleh...

Re: Deja Vu

I'm not trying to worry you guys out. I'm not going emo or anything. Just venting out my stress so I don't end up bottling it all up and ...yeah. Ya know. o.o...just a note I wanted to leave this morning, before I do anything.

Deja Vu

Equals? ...I don't want to write muchright now....because I'm not much in a writing mood...my mind's all mixed around. I feel guilty now for my feeling selfish in my depression. I just...don't like being depressed. And I don't want to make Kevin feel bad just because of all this and my crazy stupid thoughts. I guess I always I always bag on myself, as Zack says to himself, and I care too much about others. It just bugs me when I makepeople feelbad, pity me, or suffer more or less thn me at all. (i.e. Alice). So I haven't talked to Kevn yet...I should...I'll try on Monday...if I can get it out, but I don't know what to say... >_<>
I mean...I LIKE Kevin a lot. But maybe its just deja vu all over again with everyone else with a "HA! GOT YOU AGAIN MICHELLE!" Gosh, I hate my emotions...I'm such stupid idiot and I don't think I ever learn my lesson. Because it keeps smacking me back in the face. I hate blaming others when I have problems...so I always end up blaming everything on me. I mean...I started it all...I'm always the problem of everything. I wish I could just distract myself and be happy...but it's not working...again...for the millionth time.....................oh god..........right now I have to restrain myself from going back to my 8th grade almost emo period.....cuz I feel like everyone things deja vu again...in a different form, no matter how happy I was...or was I? Maybe it was just a completely mask.......I need to avoid all this relationship/love stuff........for more than a year or two...a couple months will not do....I don't remember if I said this before...but since I never was in a relatoinship for 3 months...that.....easier I suppose (I swear...I reember typing this line from somewhere...too lazy to look back at my previous entries)....Since there was nothing...I feelterrible. I'm sorry for my less organized deep writing...just read my previous post to learn more....

Conclusion: I feel guilty...I feel bad for my selfishness...I feel depressed....terrible.........all that stuff.... and I could avod the subject as much as I want being myself....I just can't do it...Deja Vu.......................

This keeps smacking me back in the face and everything back keeps coming back to me....thoughts or just events....anything.... And despite everything good, honestly right now

I hate my life....

Welcome to Reality

How are you?

If I were talking to some person, I'd probably go...alright, I suppose. Nothing much.

If I were talking to an inanimous object, which I'd probably be more comfortable talking to right now (the computer? Haha, technically, I'm talking to a computer and you all are just reading it)...I'd probably go...

...confused...SHOCKED?!?!...SUPPOSEDLY DEPRESSED!??!!??!?!?!?! It's not like...I-hate-my-life depressed...I guess it's somewhat more like disappointed...very...

These past 2 and a half months, I felt like the hole I had inside of me was filled up and I was probably at my happiest in the longest time. I loved it. I noticed that hole starting to leak again and I wonder why...check it out...and I end up in reality from the other side of the hole. I could leave one way to reality...but it wouldn't let me back into the fantasy, which I was in. Being snatched from a sweet dream? Depressing...somewhat shocked in a way that it was never real...never there...never was...

Yesterday...or was it the day before...yes, the day before or...I don't remember...some time period of 2-3 days previous from today, I felt like my relationship with Kevin wasn't going anywhere...like we were still only best friends. The hugs were alright. They were daily now, but it wasn't going anywhere...no dates, kisses, holding hands, and all that boyfriend and girlfriend shinanigan. And the way he's acted toward me through this 2 and a half month time period, he's acted as if he were my boyfriend in a way, but w/out all the rest of the stuff...Doesn't make sense? Eh...I'm drifting away from my topic sentence. A couple days ago, I wanted to confirm with Kevin if we were boyfriend/girlfriend or just best friends. I wouldn't have minded if it were both. I mean, before the "relationship" started, we were best friends.

Let's start with this:

Me: almost 3 months =O

Kevin: ...?

Me: since the week b4 valentines

Kevin: ...till?...

Me: u dont get it do you? lol

Kevin: ... nope...... XD

Me: can i ask a quick question?
Kevin: =} ask away

Me: are we bfgf or just best friends?

Kevin Avent: hmmm.... I'd just asy for now... BESTEST OF BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

And...? I wait anxiously for the next part...there was no next part.

Kevin: i spelled asy wrong...

Me: lol.

Kevin: say...lol

Me: asy lol

Kevin Avent: LOLOLOLOLOL killed it

Me: so hows tom and denise

I had to change the subject and act normal...I just held it in and didn't vent it out, until later Alice, Tanh, and (another) Kevin logged on...But Alice gave me a logical assumption to his response, that maybe he was just trying to protect me from my dad (because my dad doesn't want me to have a boyfriend) and would rather be a best friend rather than a secret boyfriend. So, I felt better still kinda...shocked, but better with the logical assumption. The next day on the way home, I wanted to make sure.

So, I talk to him on the way home, and I ask him what he meant by the "for now" and the "forever" contradiction in his response...He just responds all happily cluelessly that he was probably out of it or something. Then I ask him if he had any reason to his response. No. Refer to previous statement. The logical assumption was thrown out of the window of my head...my ears...nah...actually...more like down the lump of my throat...let's just let it grind into lil tiny pieces into digestion... I was too nervous, shocked, and...the opposite of my gutsy self, to express my feelings at the moment...

Suppose you tell that one girl or guy you like that you have a crush on them and they like you back and tell you. So you guys supposedly go out and act as if you were boyfriend and girlfriend and you start telling everyone he or she is your girlfriend. A couple months later, you feel like the relationship is kinda on the tip of the boat for some reason, so you speak up a little bit to see what's up...Step into reality...Your girlfriend or boyfriend...or let me rephrase that your "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" has thought through those past happy months...the point where you were at your happiest (at least I was, where I thought things were going alright), that hole inside of you was filled up...you guys were just...best friends...only...nothing more...nada...zip...JUST best friends. Or as Kevin said: "BESTEST OF BEST FRIENDS FOREVER."

What am I supposed to do? I try to be neutral with him and act myself...but it's not working because everytime he's around...I get to feel really terrible...horrible...in shock...obviously...disappointed. I made him a drawing just for him for our 3 month "relationship." I ended up ripping it to pieces because...how could I ever give it to him, if there was nothing at all?

What makes me somewhat mad and frustrated is that...that week before Valentine's...2 and a half months ago...almost 3 months, I told him I liked him fighting through my nervousness...and he got happy and hugged me...and I asked him if he liked me back the same way...he said, yes. And...I drew a picture of me and him in the Baron Banner for the Valentine's Day special...made a very special present for him for Valentines, I previously posted he was my boyfriend and made a Valentine's video and left a comment on my vid saying some Valentine's love on it...through the rest of these months, I've acted as if he were my boyfriend and his response seemed to be like I was his girlfriend...at least...in my point of view. One of my friends joke around going "stop flirting you two" and we're just standing there hugging.

I'm not even in the hugging mood anymore and when I do try to act normal and hug him back...I feel like I'm not even trying...I don't know how to act like his best friend, when the whole time I was being his "bestest friend of friends" I believed to be his girlfriend...I could just act like how I did before...but...I'm...way...too much into the shock and confused...disappointed moods...

Alice told me the yesteray night to talk to him straightforward to sort things out before I go even more nuts. I was too nervous and too down to talk to him during lunch...After school, I was going to speak up...I suppose...I didn't have the guts to and I wanted to plan to speak up a few seconds or minutes later during the walk to the car, his friend happened to tag along and walk. I assumed and wished he was gonna go the seperate direction and go to the crosswalk as we walked around the corner...he still walked along until halfway down the walk after the corner to the cars, his mom came...Almost to the car...what's the point of speaking up now...But at school, I've been completely neutral and normal, being myself, except for each time I was around Kevin...I couldn't help, but somewhat look away during band, during lunch, and just stay quiet...and to my band friends...when I was quiet...obviously, something was wrong. But them being idiots, they went on throwing and messing around with the water bottles like kickballs and frisbees. Kevin just acted himself. I sat studying for my English test the next period. I skipped club to talk to Kevin. Great job, Michelle. Pat on the back.

Now I have a whole weekend...Whoopdidoo...I think I'll distract myself with something entertaining...I'm good at distracting...But I guess during the night with nothing to do...I tend to be cheery, but for some reason...for once, it didn't work and my inside true feelings started seeping out. So much for the cheery mask. (Random: lol...If I wrote something about that, I'd probably title it, "Seeping Through the Mask." I don't know, I'm in the mood to title random stuff. Heh...).

Welcome to Reality.

Unexpecting the Unreal

I believe to myself that these past 3 months...I was in a dream away from the reality world. And when I was somewhat just snapped back into reality... It's like that feeling when you wake up from a really sweet dream and you wish you were asleep again to continue it. But along with that feeling, you have the feeling that you're somewhat crushed that you couldn't tell between the dream and reality. I suppose that's how I feel right now. Crushed and shocked...confused? At least, I bothered to ask just to make sure...after 3 months? Great job, Michelle...But still, at least I spoke up...or else it could have been longer and I swear...I feel I wish it was real...at the same time, I'm glad I did speak up and snap out of reality... How pointless of a depression before. But luckily, I'm taking it neutral right now.

I already vented out all my craziness last night. But now I have a reason ... well ... assuming ... it's logical, hopefully, the right reason. But I'll keep with that thought right now, because it's the most and only logical thing right now to me in reality.

Showers

The best thing about taking a shower...is having all that time to yourself...and to use that time to think to yourself, or perhaps sing or day dream...etc.

All day, I've been kind of a bit moping around...and I supposed I started getting aggravated that my friends accidentally "ditched" me during lunch that I couldn't help but cry a bit to myself in 5th...tried not to...We were reading then the teacher came in and I was like, "Oh, crap...Michelle, you stupid-head. Stop crying!" He calls on me, I assume about to ask if I was ready to continue presenting my project. I just eneded up saying, "Wait, and asking to go to the restroom." and on...

I don't reallywant to explain in detail what I was really dreading about...probably something stupid, but even so...In the shower...I just thought to myself how...it's not a big deal...I can't get myself to do it anyways...and I suppose (hint?) I like him too much, to do so despite the status (hint hint? rofl............ ._.) w/e...not that I really care that you would know :D...I just need a place to vent out my feelings...heh........But I'm glad my view have come back to positive...I just hate my mood swings sometimes...

But I appreciate taking a shower in my weirdo times...they help me think things out.

No words to explain...but depressed...i suppose

I posted this yesterday at around 11pm
- - - - -
I have a lump in my throat....
I....>.<....i dont even know waht to say w/out just plain stammering and using a thosand periods.... I feel unsure of things right now and a bit depressed... I'd talk to someon eabout it...mybe like to two people...but they had to go...and no one is on.....iunno i feel weird talking about it...plus i probably end up just doing the same thing...just..........talking.......like this.....cuz im so unsure and confused >_<..... ugh....iunno........sometimes i think of an idiot.....and sometimes i try to ask myself....is it worth it thinking such a thught?.......etc..... no one's here....course i shouldn't ask advice fom people so much...but make my own decisions....i don't think i'll end up sleeping tonight w/out crying at least a lil.... until tomorrow....ive come to my conclucsions >_<.................don't even ask.......it's probably pointless....or maybe not......i dun want to talk about it....i need some time alone....maybe.....>_> gugh..... =_= iunno >>>>>>>>>>_____<<<<<<<
somethings just missing and just admitting it and thinking about it......makes me feel worse.....

i need to learn to speak up....cuz i feel like im going to do a stupid thing

Life's MapleSyrup: Ep2, Part 1 of 2

Enuff said :]

Week by Week & Day by Day

I found my little book I made in 5th grade and found this poem that I am proud to say I wrote. I'll post it for you all to read.
- - - - -
Week by week and day by day...
Share the moment;
There are many ways.
See new paces and meet new people.
Week by week and day by day...
Over and over and start again.
Once and then twice and try if you can.
Listen to your heart;
You'll do the right thing.
Your conscience says so,
So listen to the king!
If you could fly, you fly to the stars.
It's transportation, but there aren't any cars.
You leap and jump from star to star.
If you slip off the edge, I'll catch you from way up far.
Week by week and day by day...
I could see your smile in a joyful way.
You're exploring everyday and you learn new things.
Week by week and day by day...
Reach higher and higher and try your best.
You do this half and I'll do the rest.
If your legs are tired, I'll carry you all the way back.
Week by week and day by day...
From time to time, the door bell will ring,
"Listen to your parents;
You'll do the right thing."
You know that voice is me if you have an easy clue.
If you need any help, I"ll be here right beside you.
Week by week and day by day...
Week by week and day by day...

Life's MapleSyrup: Ep1, Part 2 of 2

Life's MapleSyrup: Episode 1 "New Changes" (Part 2/2)

- - - - -

Sorry for the long wait, but here it is. The next post will not be delayed. I promise. If you guys notice one of the words in the video is bleeped out, I accidentally forgot to edit that bleep out because I censored the swear words for the English project version. Anyhow. Enjoy :]